My dear fellow subclubbers,
I have been in this community for a while,
mostly passive I now have to regrettably admit.
I did have a couple of journals that I started by didn’t complete or nurtured.
I have been guilty of sub hoping a lot, some with which I had some notable results I must say.
I have lost my way, many times, ever since COVID hit in 2020ish, I had to restart my life over in France, where I live now at age 36.
I didn’t have a clear direction for my life at the time and most of all, close to no resolve to really change. Mostly hedonistic, slightly depressed, very much a self-critic, I had started and stopped some many things. They say hell is paved with good intentions…
I would fail, time and time again at facing my demons: drugs, alcohol, partying excessively, and be forever thrown in a never ending loops, at least so it seemed.
Fed up with the situation, I decided to give Khan a try and focus on this program as my core one. I simultaneously chose to run Diamond alongside as I just recently came out of a long ass drought…sexually speaking.
That made me realize that I had to completely turn my life around if I wanted to not depend on random encounters that were subpar to my goals and standards in women.
So the thought of going through a multistage that would start with a total breakdown of all of my fears and insecurities seemed like just what I needed.
I decided to stick with these two and most importantly to just stick with SubClub as a source of subconscious reprogramming.
To give you a little bit of background about me for those who have not come across my journals before:
I just turned 40, end of 2023. I am single, without kid, live in a big city in France in a flat that I rent. I work for a bank as an retail banking officer, all within a 5 kilometer radius.
I earn money but far from enough so I’d like to level up in that respect, doing something on my own, but I have lacked the resolve thus far to finish things that I have started, it sucks.
I have a good circle of friends, who like to party, too much sometimes and all have pretty much addiction issues.
I am pretty much the only surviving male of a small family unit comprised of my mom, sister, my 1 year old nephew and my grandma.
I have had tons of potential my whole life but have had loads of confidence, limiting beliefs and self image issues.
I have started total breakdown ST1 as well as Diamond for a month this day.
I have noticed changes right away with Diamond first because I have had a miracle totally-unexpected couple of sexual encounters with the same girl about around that same time a month ago.
Even though she wasn’t physically my type or up to my standards, I made love to her with such passion and lust that knew not that I had in me, full stamina, full erection like in my 20s. That was freaking fantastic. Unfortunately she said to me a couple of things that raised some red flags and as a result I cut ties with her.
Since then, more attraction for sure from other women on the day to day yet subtle. I speak with them with a certain non-chalance, I tend to speak my mind more without being overtly flirty or overt. I do not hesitate and open conversation for any random reason imaginable which I must admit make going out a lot more fun. Funny is that I have fantasies or daydream of being very dominant in my sexual encounters, even more so than I already am which is where I am already on the spectrum.
About a week ago I went full drugs on Saturday night at a rave party in the woods. That time was different though, its like I am still thinking about it, not with guilt mind you, like usually, but with full awareness of my decision process and failure of will. It s very interesting. I feel things much more deeply than before starting Khan ( I am able to intellectualize and feel at the same time)
For instance, I just lost someone close today that played a big role in my life. We are geographically very far apart, I am speaking continents apart…she was like a second mother to me.
Before I would remain like a stone, with all kinds of sorrow pent up inside of me. This time as soon as I was given the news, I broke down in tears and allow myself to really feel the sorrow, the pain of loss and that went on for quite a while, I am still feeling it right now as I write these lines.
I introspect and question a lot…of course each of my dreams which happen every-night, without fail, construct a story around a trauma or a fear that is mine and that I am facing. It’s crazy. Some deep stuff are happening. It feels like Khan feeds a loop within myself that activates the subliminal and the subconscious more and more, kind of like an awakening. That makes me understand why a lot of members here report staying on ST1 for months.
You can literally feel your way through this sub.
As far as manifestations, the winds are also blowing in my sails. I have tried for months to get a better appartement than the one I live in now. My sister is a single mom who is raising a toddler practically on her own while working for the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital. I have looked for an appartement closed to her place so I could step in for my little nephew and for months I had either no answer or was rejected from housing applications with landlords. Now yesterday an agency with which I had visited a flat a few months back called me out the blue saying that I got approved for a flat that I didn’t even apply for and that I was the only candidate, in competition with no one else. The flat is in the same building than a previous one I had visited, perfectly positioned near my sister’s and the subway station and its like 5 times better than the other flat. Everything in the way its unfolding is perfect.
For once, hope feels different, I don’t know quite how to explain, it’s like a feeling of regaining a long lost control on one’s life and that being regained through small but steady manifestations whilst taking action on a day-to-day, even in the smallest manner.
I have other insights to share in the near future. Today was a good day to start this journal.
I wish you all steadfast progress on your journeys.
