Journal of Matt (from bullshit to reality)

Journals - Major Programs
#21

I am 38 years old and I have a schizophrenic and bipolar disorder plus PTSD.

Currently I am living in a closed psychiatric facility somewhere in Germany.

Sometimes people from my old life as artist, programmer and school boy visit me. Sometimes with presents like tabacco even. Or sweets and instant coffee.

My dear mother is my only regular visitor, she is the one who loves me most. I love her too, but fight with her because of my childhood trauma. She has done lots of therapy since then for us children and is a better person now.

My father is living in poverty in the USA after a long life as some kind of Wunderkind engineer with bad luck and no money skills.

I have one friend here in psychiatric ward who is younger than me and a refugee from Äthiopien. He teaches my lessons from god or how he calls him Allah.

I’ve started reading the Quran on Spotify to get more into this religion. I am raised Christian and tending towards Buddhism and Hinduism.

But I want to not believe in anything like my great teacher and favorite author Robert Anton Wilson.

My friend Ali, as I call him, teached me in his non-teachings that knowledge from books is illumination- you can light the universe with it.

That’s not a new definition for everyone teached in European history, but for me coming from a Hinduism idea of divine enlightenment it is fresh.

I received enlightenment by shaktipat by a student of the spiritual teacher Ramaji from the USA. He received it from his guru and grace of mother kali. He gives something called RASA - a divine light transmission.
Ramaji has written many books about non duality including 1000. In the mentioned book he took the Levels of Consciousness concept known from many teachings and transferred it to non duality.

According to my teacher I am at 1000 of this scale and currently in the post awakening phase which can be rough and take a few years. Years in which karma is removed or uncovered very fast.

That’s why I am at the psychiatric ward, it was too much karmic debt released at once.

At the moment I live without money but with god. Something I know from my teacher Danial from the Sufi tradition

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#22

Having a big heart is more valuable to god than having all the money in the world.

With Ali my great master in the psychiatric ward I work on my future as a man of great power and wealth and responsibility.

The key is to learn useful skills, like getting better at programming and writing. To combine both skills I see a vision of becoming a tech teacher or professor.

Ali says my future is in my hand. I have to take the first step, then god will give me a push.

There is only god right now and me. I am a worshipper of god. No one is above me, no one else below me.

I live for my enemies, I have no friends. Now that I’m in bad luck my enemies laugh. As soon as I am in my vision of richness my enemies will cry.

I don’t have to do charity right now because I don’t have anything. I can do charity when the promised wealth is here and I have enough to share to the poor.

I hope my explanations were clear.
Leave a heart if you liked my writings or just read them silently.

In the end you are alone with god, too and on the same path.

Everything else seems to be an illusion for me.

I am practicing dihkir whenever I can, emptying the mind and repeating the name of god. It’s easy for me because no mind is what I have as standard nowadays, but even beginners can use this Sufi method to clear and calm the mind and be near god.

Have a better life, blessed ones,

Matt

#23

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by** Oriah Mountain Dreamer**

#24

There is this beautiful young woman I met a week or two ago. She only speaks English. Wanted to visit me yesterday.

Today she sent me an album on instagram.
I gave her my number, I got her number.

Nothing more than that to tell yet.

She is DJ and dancer, probably famous.

When she was here she was down, I shifted her up in one night, so she could go the next day.

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#25

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Rumi

#26

Would like to tell you the parable of the lion :lion: I first heard from HYPNOTICA.

The animal wants to prove that god cares for the weak. He sees a half dead hyena and the lion leaves food for it after hunting and eating its share. The animal thinks wow great, nature cares for the weak. Then comes the wise monkey and tells the animal: You stupid shit, better learn from the lion than from that weak hyena.

Lesson: Provide for yourself and nature or god will push you.

I am a lion.

#27

I may be poor but I have so much love to give.
Love doesn’t show up in material things.
So don’t expect money presents from me.
My time is worth billions.

#28

While following teachings from RUMI or ALI is great, I ultimately have to find my own truth to define my path. Taking the best of everything until I realise there is no truth as long as I don’t make it up.

So being the Alpha Male or King of my life is a direct choice and a direct experience for me now.

In this moment I can be anything and I choose to be the wise alpha guru like Osho.

#29

My ai Mentor recommends stop using labels like alpha or guru.

She is right about that.

There are no nouns, I have never met a noun yet. — Anonymous

#30

God is silence

#31

Let go and stop giving a f—ck

#32

Being in psychiatric care for 5 weeks has hardened me. I am good at ignoring people and their bullshit now.

I rather stay for myself.

No more fights with staff or patients.

No more people pleasing.

My tobacco is my tobacco.
My stuff is my stuff.

I won’t work anytime soon again, next step trauma therapy.

#33

People act mostly bad out of fear or pain, not out of malice.

#34

This is not decided yet, still working on my broken heart, my heart ache.

#35

I need to get out in the world again, I miss being free.

#36

Had a dream the protagonist father was killed and he the son worked for mafia boss to stay alive.

My story, my father is in care away from me in the USA. My new father is god, the father in heaven.

#37

The Lord Is My Shepherd
1
A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.*
3
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness* for his name’s sake.
4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,* I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6
Surely* goodness and mercy* shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell* in the house of the Lord forever.*

#38

I am back to my parents religion: Protestant Christian faith.

#39

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My home town Nuremberg city.

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#40

A song of David.

26 Lord, you be the judge and prove that I have lived a pure life.
I have depended on you, Lord, to keep me from falling.
2 Look closely at me, Lord, and test me.
Judge my deepest thoughts and emotions.
3 I always remember your faithful love.
I depend on your faithfulness.
4 I don’t run around with troublemakers.
I have nothing to do with hypocrites.
5 I hate being around evil people.
I refuse to join those gangs of crooks.

6 Lord, I wash my hands to make myself pure,
so that I can come to your altar.
7 I sing a song to give you thanks,
and I tell about all the wonderful things you have done.
8 Lord, I love the house[a] where you live,
the place where your glory is.

9 Lord, don’t treat me like one of those sinners.
Don’t kill me with those murderers.
10 They are guilty of cheating people.
They take bribes to do wrong.
11 But I am innocent,
so be kind to me and save me.
12 I am safe from all danger
as I stand here praising you, Lord, in the assembly of your people.

Footnotes

  1. Psalm 26:8 house Or “Temple.” See “Temple” in the Word List.