Oct 18th: Adding LBFH, why?
To sum it up, True Social has been weirdly the most emotionally healing subliminal I’ve ever listened to and helped me get to the root of some deep anxiety.
Interesting the way that combined with earth, emperor, and anti-recon.
Emperor helped me realize how the root of so much of this anxiety isn’t just social but also financial.
An earth helped me to identify the anxiety’s location inside of my body, and helped me identify that this negative physical sensation that I’ve been feeling for years and years isn’t just a negative physical sensation, but actually extremely repressed anxiety.
After having a serious conversation with my men’s group about everything that I listed into the note below, I decided to add in love bomb for humanity to really focus on myself love.
The message written below was actually something that I was transcribing voice to text, and although it was meant to be more surface level, I ended up starting to cry while I was transcribing the voice note and got so raw real and emotional about what’s been going on for me, and had new realizations in the voice note as well.
I transcribed the voice note to text less than 5 mins after listening to love for humanity for the first time in over three years… it’s amazing how quickly it helped me access a much deeper level of emotion and self-love. It really felt like love bomb for humanity, helped me go deep, cry, and then offered the solution of self-care, self love and self compassion that I discussed in the message below.
I’m excited to add love bomb for humanity to the stack now, because it obviously represents the solution to one of my biggest core needs and wounds.
in the past, I couldn’t even listen to 10 seconds of love bomb for humanity because that would send me into two days of completely unmanageable life disturbing recon.
The following is a voice note I recorded on True Social illuminating my anxiety. I started crying while writing this because I truly hit the root of an unrecognized part of my shadow.
Voice to text transcription:
on healing
I’m surprised that one of the most emotionally healing titles that I’ve ever experienced in my life has been true social dot dot dot. I was talking with my girlfriend about the way that I socialized as a kid, and right after graduating high school, and it went something like this. I moved to a new school and immediately got bullied. I didn’t socialize all that much unless we were already friends. In general, people just didn’t like me because everyone else said not to like me. So I’d have people literally talk to me for 20 minutes and then say, wow, you’re such a great guy. I thought you were an asshole, even though I had never met them. So the frame that I took on was that everybody hated me until I proved to them that I was likable, which put on a lot of neediness, a lot of insecurity, a lot of fear, a lot of fakeness, a lot of lack of vulnerability. It made me feel like I was never enough, made me feel like I was gonna die alone. In short, I just had an extreme amount of anxiety in any sort of social situation because if I don’t know you, it’s safe to assume that you hate me.
Eventually, I started to learn how to socialize actively. I started learning seduction, I started learning social skills, I started learning all of that stuff. But, eventually I got to the point where I had learned social skills and I showed up to the party, and even though I was having a fantastic connection with somebody, my mind would flash to the fact that they were faking it, only pretending to like me, they were going to laugh about me later, they actually hated me, or that I had somehow used these social skills that I learned to trap people into conversations that they didn’t want to be in, and even though I felt for a moment that we were having a good conversation, in reality I had just trapped them, and they were waiting for me to leave. So, one of the triggers for my social anxiety, and one of the reasons why I would leave parties and social gatherings is when I did have a good connection, I would leave because those were my thoughts.
So, my girlfriend hears all of that, and says, Wow, you had really bad social anxiety. And I couldn’t believe it, because I had never once considered myself to have anxiety. My mom has extreme anxiety. And so I’ve always said, I don’t have any anxiety, because I’m not nearly as bad as her. But now that I acknowledge that there’s anxiety around that, and then 24 hours later, my therapist brings up that I have anxiety about the things that I avoid doing, it opened my eyes, and I realized that I have anxiety about thousands of things in my life. I’m anxious every day. The moment I wake up, I’m anxious. Every time I think about what I need to do for work, I’m anxious that I forgot something. I’m anxious that there’s too much. I’m anxious that I’m avoiding it. I’m anxious that I feel powerless, because even if I sit down to try and do it, it’s not going to get done. I’m anxious that I don’t feel safe. I’m anxious that I’m not in the job that I want. I’m anxious that… I’m anxious. I’m sad.
But there’s a beautiful power in all of this because I’m able to actually identify it as anxiety. That’s so much better than labeling myself as having ADHD. When I label myself as ADHD, I feel like I’m broken. I feel like I’m wrong. I feel like I need to be fixed. When I label myself with anxiety, I can have some compassion for the fact that when I sit down to work, I get anxious. And of course, I want to avoid the feeling of anxiety. And so I go to some sort of distraction. When I label myself as anxious, I realize that there’s a deeper layer than just willpower forcing myself to do the things that I don’t want to do. When I label myself as anxious, I can give myself more time and space and stop blaming myself and stop supporting myself. But when I label myself as ADHD, I feel like the enemy. I feel like I’m fighting a war against myself. There’s this saying, there’s the two wolves and whichever one of them you feed more is the one that grows. And I feel like the wolf that’s trying to kill the other wolf inside of me, starve it to death, never give it any attention. I’m trying to train out the ADHD, but in reality, what I’m trying to do is avoid the anxiety.
