Long story short, the current washout is bringing about some very deep shifts in perspective.
The vision above has kept coming back to me for nearly two years now.
The actual details of how everything will turn out remain to be seen.
Stack will be adjusted as I see fit, perhaps even reactivating APEX ZP.
A part of me that I have really struggled to accept is the fighter, the ruthless part.
Not because I do not want to, but because it has been completely suppressed throughout my childhood.
“Too loud,” “too aggressive,” “too intense,” “the boy would not sit still,” “he would not listen to orders”…
I eventually became very docile, suppressing myself.
I grew to hate myself for this part of me. That’s what I was taught.
Drugs, PMO, surrendering my autonomy… I made myself very, very small in order to be tolerated.
At the same time, this part of me did not really disappear. It was lurking in the background, along with a tendency to be unnecessarily cruel, sometimes towards the exact people who mattered most to me.
And I know that I was gaslighted, that I took on responsibilities that weren’t mine to carry, and that I allowed others to put their stuff onto me. I struggled with discerning what was mine versus what I was absorbing from others for a while. There are many sides to it, and it felt very difficult to differentiate everything clearly.
But I also know that some of this was only possible because I was not at peace with this side of myself.
And that is the part that I am responsible for: mastering it so that I am able to choose consciously instead of being run by some form of (semi-)unconscious programming or someone else using me as a pawn in their game.
I am starting to consciously confront this side of myself right now, and I already feel very different.
When I went out for a run, I felt like I had just had an injection of Khan, and people kept giving me excessive space, many avoiding eye contact altogether.
Something that I kept coming back to, and that I recognize as something real, is that I want to be a genuine positive influence on those I meet throughout my life. At scale, if possible.
There is a place where the lover and the warrior meet. I do not really experience them as separate.
Unconditional love is one thing, but on a more personal, emotional level, can I even tell a woman that I love her if I would not go to war for her?
And is she able to love me if she would not do the same for me?
What I do know, growing up, I felt useless, unwanted, like there was no place for me.
And, of course, it was “not spiritual enough.” Lol.
Joining the military/LE was not my path either. If I fight, it is because I chose to, not out of obligation.
I am not a servant or cannon fodder for someone else and their system.
I am fucking royalty.