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Slipped 5 minutes of RoS into my washout and my entire mind turned completely silent.
Went for a walk and felt myself being both basically completely present in the here and now, while also experiencing the things around me like one whole overlay over the real world.
Like I am actually standing on a sort of infinite grid, with the surrounding 3D world not really being differentiated into different things like a car, a dog, a wall, a tree, and so on, but everything being like a single Christmas wrapping over the real world, that everything I see as “reality” is really just a small bubble seperating my perception from infinity.
It looks so fake, like you could just tear right through it.
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For the past two days, I’ve been setting the intention to integrate my anima, as well as the shadow of both my human and soul.
Now after RoS it’s hitting me that I often enough did not really give a fuck about how I treated people.
A lot of my behaviour revolved around trying to compensate for a perceived lack of self-worth.
Right now, I can actually see this without any doubt, self-hatred, or sugarcoating.
I haven’t felt this kind of clarity in a very long time.
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I see now that I actually would have wanted to be the exact opposite of who I apparently was for some people throughout my life.
I don’t think any of them care at this point, either. I was unable to integrate an important part of my shadow self until recently, and understanding how that colored my life and relationships, and being able to move beyond that, is what matters.
There is an overwhelming sense of force that I feel at times, a sense of potential that used to terrify me.
It used to feel so overwhelming, too much to accept, too much to handle for my human body, for others.
I’m not beating myself up over it. I don’t feel emotionally hung up on it; I just understand it.
I feel a lot more whole and at peace now.
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Washout — I am feeling better with every day.
Body is great, friends are great, family is doing great, outlook is great, stomach is healing…
Moving with martial elegance, quick and sharp like a blade, yet fluid and graceful like a dancer.
I look into the mirror and can’t help it, it is almost like I am becoming more beautiful every day.
My face is sharper, my hair is dark and thick, I lost fat, I feel handsome, I feel awesome.
Gonna let my hair keep growing; I am really digging the new style.
Realizations about love are coming in. I am learning to feel what I already knew intellectually about myself. I am reconnecting with my heartspace again, re-learning my understanding of romance.
A lot of learning and forgiving going on right now, for myself and others.
The city becomes my personal dancefloor whenever I please. I have not felt this liberated in ages.
I feel zero urge for sex at the moment, though. I probably require someone who is special to me.
Or someone who’s on a completely new level of sexiness compared to anything before, fuck knows.
In the supermarket, most things don’t register as actual nutrition to me. I don’t even consider them.
It’s the same way with women in a sense, 95%+ are automatically disqualified.
It doesn’t stop them from staring, though… you know how it is.
People keep telling me that I am beautiful.
Yeah no shit 
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I am willing to close it. However, I would first like to give you something to think about. By tracking all the changes, perhaps you can notice themes that keep emerging. Extremes of perspectives. Themes of perspectives. Similar hopes, insecurities, fears. When do the perspectives change? How do they change? Is there any pattern to the changes?
What do you think?
I’m willing to close this, if you want. Please do think about this.
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The slave is the tyrant turned inside out
Just this desire to handle shit at the moment.
I feel more clear-minded and unified, recognizing the subtle shape of my aura around me.
Instead of feeling enmeshed in the undefined foam of infinity and other people’s realities, I realize myself as the central point of origin of my own. I always have been; I just failed to pick up the crown and claim my birthright of directing my own destiny, giving leeway to others to string me along theirs.
Main Character Energy is doing its thing. It feels good to come back to my own center.
The Tarot describes Kings as exceptional men who stood out through genuine mastery, something that could hardly be faked back then, in the absence of the internet and the social royalty it gave rise to.
A kingdom divided and unattended is set up to fall.
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I told one of my friends once, “I do not exist.” I see now how accurate that was.
I never really got to define myself; rather, I allowed the perspectives of others to define me.
Being a side piece in their reality bubbles instead of creating my own, because anything else felt immoral.
I was “seeking my true self,” but I was doing so by listening to the perspectives of others, assuming good intent lol.
Like a radio being tuned to someone else’s favorite song.
The lesson was that I would never find myself or my truth in someone else’s perspective.
It was something that would only develop in the absence of their noise.
I am allowed to disappoint the fears, desires, and expectations that people projected onto me.
One of my greatest strengths is my ability to repeatedly reassess and reinvent myself completely.
It can scare people who want to cling to the safety of stagnation; their fragile egos shatter so easily.
I have no time to play the role of a mirror for someone else’s maturation.
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I feel what you write here very much. Beining able to reinvent myself is also my gift…and burden…as I fail to stick with those new versions of me and old ones keep pushing through.
What stack are you listening to?
I started to let go of the question what my truth is…as it feels like I arrived at a point of being thats behind my ego…and now its time to use that ego as a tool…as everyone is carrying a mask. Better being able to form that mask myself is the way I guess.
Curious what you tagged me tough ^^
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Currently listening to my WB/Spartan custom, BDLM, RoS, HS2. Everything else, check pm.
Golden
I’m experiencing and thinking about so many things I’d like to share with people sometimes.
But the way so many of them projected roles onto me, and then became disappointed, hostile, or even tried to emotionally blackmail and destroy me when I wasn’t who they wanted me to be, has made me not want to share about these things anymore lol.
I am not your emotional dumpster. I am not your guru. I am not how you feel or think about me; that is all you. I am not your daddy. I am not your boytoy. I am not someone you can entrap into your energy. I am not your battery. I am not your saviour. I am not your submissive. I am not your scapegoat. I am not someone you can bully or blackmail. I am not the men who abused you. I am not someone you can transfer your karma onto. I am not someone you can use to avoid taking actual responsibility for your thoughts, emotions and actions.
I’m not whatever else some narcissistic girl deluded herself into believing she was entitled to from me.
I am free of the weight of the paths that other people and beings tried to manipulate me into.
And now that I’m beyond their web of vampirism, I keep asking myself:
What is left?
Only one answer comes back:
Having fun. Lots of it.
Those who want a piece of that can treat me the way I deserve to be treated, or don’t bother showing up.
Begone, all you liars, parasites, and hypocrites.
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I heard that war chant from the upcoming DUNE movie playing in my head as I read your post, rofl.
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Antares is secretly the Lisan Al Gaib 
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I love to dance. But it feels like ages since I’ve been to an event where I can go all out.
I haven’t been able to allow myself to just have fun for far too long.
It was a bit annoying tho, when you go harder than anyone else and girls end up cluttering the space, hoping you’ll dance with them, or people start thinking you’re selling drugs just because of that lol.
I get it, but guys, I need space in all directions when I’m in my zone.
And while I’ve had my phase with them, I don’t need substances to go hard all night with the right music.
I was checking out what’s going on around me, turns out there’s a proper Goa party about to go down.
I’m gonna enjoy myself. 
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