Writing now is … terrifying.
No major life crisis happening. I’m at the point of heavily desiring to move forward (relationally) but am terrified.
I’ve been using subs since 2016. I began with SC in 2018, and I’ve dodged deep honest relationships consistently. I’ve done it here. At work with peers. And a relevant truth is…I’ve NEVER sought out dating much. (Trauma and trust issues). I could count dates on one hand. All my life, I’ve been…hiding. I’ve had a feeling of being inadequate my entire life
Put simply, I’m wondering “Using subliminals, what would be my best direction NOW?”
Presently, I’m on Genesis: Ascension’s Stabilizer, 2 weeks in. In the last week, I stacked it with EOG St.1 because I’ve been investing in cryptos and I’m wanting to address the worthiness issue. I also ran LBFH instead of EOG 2 days ago.
However, I’m wondering about my masculine identity (my real one, not the one all image-based), so I’m wondering…Emperor Reforged?
This may be a recon post because I’m sitting here wondering “what’s my base?” and even I am unsure.
I’m in this spot: I’ve tried to BE someone who would be accepted. Using money. Using charm. And…deception…even to myself. Repeatedly. I’m just sick of doing this.
I’m tired of deceiving myself, and now I’m looking out, sensing and seeing hopeful possibilities. I just need to get past rejecting MYSELF. Is Stabilizer possibly picking at this root?
Lastly, I DON’T want to identify as a wounded man–because I’ve hid there. I’m open to healing titles (I have most of them), but I’m determined not to use it as another “hideout”. I desire change.