The more I think about how “all the evil that happened” (my most traumatic life experiences) is at the core of the most critical subjective limitations of mine the more I’m convinced that running Emperor along with Total Breakdown is just a must for me in order to get closer to my Zero Point (the point of complete self-alignment).
At the core of every subjective limitations there’s a trauma. The fear of a past pain. The fear of re-experiencing the pain. All the traumas constitute self-limitation that hinders the growth, that deviates the cycle of self-destruction and self-creation which is at the very core of self-actualization.
Becoming aware of those subjective limitations based on traumas and charged with their emotional burden, along with their root, is the way to releasing the emotional burden and that’s the very first step to dissolving the fear of re-experiencing the past pain, and overcoming those limitations.
It’s making another step beyond my own self-limitation, another step to “healthy” self-destruction and self-creation in my self-development. It’s heading towards my Zero Point a bit smoother.
There’s no faster lane of “subliminal” self-destruction than Total Breakdown. No faster lane of “subliminal” self-creation than Emperor. All of that based on the power of insights into my subjective limitations to dissolve them, and experiencing awakenings to living beyond the fear of re-experiencing the pain inflicted by “all the evil that happened”.
Taking action is not the prerequisite of the change. Experiences and the insights are. Action generates experiences, however. Whatever action it is. Mental or physical.
The point is to focus on overcoming the most critical subjective limitations. The most critical in terms of the desired growth. The most critical ones to overcoming myself, going beyond who I am and what I’m capable of currently, within what the scripting offers and I intend to capitalize on.
I’ve discerned those most critical subjective limitations of mine. Those fears and traumas at the core of all of that. Finding them was really easy.
I cast my gaze into my depths and saw what causes the most discomfort and fear in me. What those things I really don’t like and try to avoid are:
I don’t really like men as the presence of masculine (that used to be represented by my father) means being imperiled, being abused, being challenged way beyond my “combative” capacities and in my whole weakness and vulnerability. I dread that helplessness of the infant and child I was when facing an adult man who would abuse me however and whenever he wanted. Demasculinization, self-demasculinization to be precise, used to be my most potent coping mechanism. Masculinization of myself is the answer to that deepest subjective limitation of mine. Getting deeply familiar and comfortable with being masculine.
I don’t like people laughing as my father would use mockery and laughter to humiliate me. People’s laughter can make me feel awkward and socially inadequate even though I’m fully aware that the laughter has nothing to do with me. I avoid being social for the fear of being humiliated. “Civilizing” myself is the answer. Getting deeply familiar and comfortable with being social.
I suppress a deep fear of being rejected. The fear of being an “unwated child” like my father was (his mother didn’t want to give the birth and rejected him when he was an infant). I need to face his demon. I need to face the “devil inside me”. Becoming psychologically self-sufficient and socially “indifferent” is the answer. Getting deeply familiar and comfortable with displeasing people and getting rejected by them when it doesn’t really matter or is against my own self-interest.
Emperor and Total Breakdown are the answer.
I’ve made tremendous progress in those three areas already. However, those most critical subjective limitations have NOT been overcome utterly yet. On the other hand, I don’t need to be really masculine and social to achieve my current goals. However, sooner or later, that needs to gets done to improve my “mental baseline” and strengthen the psychological balance in me. Doing so is also opening the doorway of my holistic self-development further and that would foster the development of whatever aspect I would like to develop.