In the Ice I trust ❄

[Sub.Zero]

I’ve had two major realizations related to the experiences I’ve gone through. First, the only real trauma I needed to deal with was my little brother’s suicide, which I processed many years ago. Moreover, DR and Phoenix played a key role in helping me complete the healing.

Second, the abusive treatment I endured for years is a different matter entirely. My mind developed coping mechanisms, such as derealization and depersonalization, to handle it. Over time, my mind eventually moved away from these mechanisms. However, some of them are still present, and they need to be overridden. These coping mechanisms have become redundant, unnecessary, and even potentially harmful.

I’ve concluded that trauma occurs when our mind doesn’t have enough time to process a traumatic event, while abusive treatment gradually alters the mind to cope with it. The altered part of the mind becomes obsolete once the abusive treatment stops. Over time, unnecessary coping mechanisms dissolve, but some of them can be quite stubborn and require positive conditioning to be overridden.

That positive conditioning is nothing more than replacing unfavorable, obsolete mental and behavioral patterns with new, favorable ones.

In my case, it would be about replacing regressive and asocial patterns with assertive and prosocial ones.

[Sub.Zero]

It seems to me that I’ve worked through quite a lot of mental stuff on Phoenix. Although I’m still experiencing recon most of the time, it’s much less intense than it was just two weeks ago. The issue with NSE recon is that it’s usually not easy to spot. On the other hand, it’s far less intense now, making it easier to grasp and manage.

Anyhow, I feel like I’m getting ready to explore the most frozen and paralyzed part of my psyche, just as I did when I was running Wanted in the Zero Point prototype. Back then, that part of me came as a great surprise.

I absolutely loved it—not only because it made me feel liberated and fully expressed but also because it would override the aftermath of the psychological abuse I had endured for so many years. All those unfavorable patterns, rooted in pathological inhibition, that had been burned into my psyche with no mercy whatsoever. My father passed his own trauma (and way more than that) onto me—being an unwanted child—and Wanted is the exact ‘medicine’ for that.

Another priority is improving my looks on Wanted even further—especially my hair, or at least my hairstyle. I also need a bit of that masculine calm and grounding it provides.

Moreover, it looks like my journey on EoG Stage 1 is approaching its end as well. I’m looking forward to swapping it for the new Executive once it’s released. Somehow, EoG Stage 1 has amplified the healing on Phoenix, which wasn’t a surprise. However, I really need more focus and efficiency in working on my SEO projects, and Executive is going to be extremely useful.

[Sub.Zero]

So, it’s begun. I’m on WANTED again. I’ve run its prototypes and the first release for around 3–4 months in total. Now, it’s time for v2. I’ve just finished the first loop and found what my favorite antagonist, Fernando Vera, says to Elliot, the main character in Mr. Robot (my favorite TV series). It feels as if he’s talking directly to me… as if my shadow was talking to me:

Fernando Vera “You Become The Storm” and Death Scene | Mr. Robot S4E7

See, this shit you went through, most people don’t know pain like that. They never will. And if they did, it would end them. But the people who dig in, the ones who keep surviving, those are the ones you can’t beat. Those are the ones no one can beat. Because once you’ve weathered a storm like yours… you become the storm. You hear me? You are the storm. And it’s the rest of the world that needs to run for cover.

[Sub.Zero]

WANTED has introduced a new dimension to my psychological makeup. It helped me realize that my mental patterns are organized into multiple mental complexes. The effects of “the evil that happened”—years of daily psychological abuse—are just one of those complexes. These mental complexes manifest outwardly as different personas I enact.

On WANTED, I have more awareness in choosing those personas. I exercise greater control over which mental complexes I tap into and personas I can enact. It feels more like a conscious choice now, rather than just habitual behavior.

I haven’t reached the core of it yet… if that’s even necessary.

[Sub.Zero]

I swapped Emperor: The Executive for EoG1 in the morning.

I felt I needed a much-needed rest after weeks of almost ceaseless work on my projects. It was an instant urge. However, I decided to go about my day and get the work done.

After showering, I felt really energetic and focused, so I got to work on my projects. This time, there were lots of distractions around, as renovation work was being done in the house, and suddenly, everyone had something to do. I got annoyed by it and let it distract me. That was the point where NSE recon hit me. I started distracting myself and procrastinating. At some point, I thought I wouldn’t get the work done even if I focused on it, as time was flying mercilessly. However, I managed to complete the work within my usual timeframe—even a bit ahead. I was surprised I pulled it off, given the recon.

I was energetic for the whole day, and only in the evening did I start feeling the need for a nap. I pushed through and did some extra work instead.

I can feel some physiological changes in my body—deep in my head, in my muscles, even in my very marrow. On the other hand, I hope it’s not some kind of infection.

Actually, it started after I ran WANTED in the afternoon (apart from the feeling in my head). Listening to WANTED felt truly blissful.

[Sub.Zero]

@Sub.Zero

See, this shit you went through, most people don’t know pain like that. They never will. And if they did, it would end them. But the people who dig in, the ones who keep surviving, those are the ones you can’t beat. Those are the ones no one can beat. Because once you’ve weathered a storm like yours… you become the storm. You hear me? You are the storm. And it’s the rest of the world that needs to run for cover.

To paraphease him:
See, this agony you went through—most people don’t know anything like that. They never will. And if they did, it would break them. But the ones who abide in the darkness, the ones who keep breathing and watching—they’re the ones you can’t break. No one can. Because once you’ve suffered a hell like yours… you become a longed-for haven. You hear me? You are the haven. And if you keep the door closed, it’s the rest of the world that will be damned.

[Sub.Zero]

Due to certain events in the house, I’ve gained a much deeper understanding of myself—of that part within me called by psychologist the shadow.

But that part is neither a fragment nor a mere side of me. It isn’t rooted in trauma (trauma as powerful, “dark,” and overwhelming experiences—not wounds), though trauma played a role in its formation, growth, and strength. I call it the Ice.

The Ice helped me survive the evil that happened. It is a direct response to—and rebellion against—that evil… and evil itself.

But what is evil? Evil is pain. Evil is fear. Evil is abandoning oneself, even for a second. The Ice is a resounding NO! to evil—the no I never spoke, never felt, never even imagined yet it was me all along. The no against all the evil that happened.

The Ice is a constant, howling no no no no no no to evil—a howling that has been reforged into a roar against evil. That is the beautiful transformation I recognized in myself today.

Now, I see its purpose. It is no longer meaningless suffering in silence, no longer just a cold and numbing weight. The Ice is a blessing I carry through the dark.

[Sub.Zero]

I need to wear my mask so that the world can understand the truth I am. Without it, there would only be the fear of the unknown, oozing from yet another fatal misunderstanding. To understand a monster, you have to become one… and then your mask is the only thing that protects the world from what you truly are.

[Sub.Zero]

I’ve come across this statement:

It’s not the bad things that happen to you in life that cause your stress, your anxiety or your lack of self-love, it’s your perceptions around those difficult events that cause you more harm than you’re aware of. This sense of misperception has been indoctrinated into your mind by those who raised and educated you, even though they loved you.

However, the idea that they “loved” me doesn’t sit well. In fact, it feels toxic. My dad didn’t love me – he loved himself. In his effort to soothe his own fears, anxieties, and frustrations, he would abused me psychologically. This is the way a monster’s mind works. Monsters are born from a low self-soothing ability. To survive and thrive, they need a victim – in my case, a 2-year-old that got crippled, broken, twisted, and used as a punching bag for life.

I know what I’m talking about. My dad took almost everything from me. I struggled with depression, derealization, and depersonalization until I was about 35. I’m 42.

The concept of Phoenix is about reframing your patterns and “rewriting” your past, or rather, your interpretation of it, in your favor. This approach works for many people. However, no amount of rewriting can change the survival factor – the intrinsic defense mechanisms that helped your psyche navigate through the abuse. Why? Because these mechanisms are not just parts of you; they are you.

You can try to rewrite your past with tools like Phoenix, and it helps somewhat. But the “survival factor” – which I refer to as the Ice – shaped who I am and I will always be - Sub.Zero. These defense mechanisms are deeply developed, and all you can do is learn to use them as your weapon against the monsters that exist in the world.

When it comes to healing, I have my own experiences and insights. I don’t believe in trauma or healing (sic!). I don’t believe in getting better by simply opening your heart to love or forgiveness. For me, that’s not the path. Love can make you soft and vulnerable and even though you forgave and let got of the past, it will never let go of you, what it made of you. Forgiveness is often seen as “letting go” of the past. But even if you consciously try to do so, the past is always “there” – it never truly lets go of you because it is you.

Victim of constant abuse haven’t developed a natural way to deal with monsters. Monsters don’t understand love or forgiveness; they only understand respect, which is based on the fear of pain.

The path I’ve found is to work with what is often called the shadow. This “shadow” is the survival factor – the very thing that helped me endure the pain in silence (under the Ice). The goal is to gradually release it, transforming it into my strength, into my weapon. I’ve done lots of work in that regard.

I believe EB and TWTP would be the ultimate tool to aid me.

[Sub.Zero]

Recon is this demon that still lurks in the recesses of our psyche, waiting for its call…

Unseasoned minds are easily lured by the siren’s voice, beckoning them from the decks of their daily comfort, down into the dark, cold abyss, where the most tender parts of them are devoured by the illusion they dared to believe. Yet the cryomancers dwell in the deepest trenches of this ocean, knowing the paths long forgotten, for the people of the surface lack the will or strength to see through the lie they have become…

Only in the Ice do I trust… for the Ice never betrays its secrets, never lies to me, never utters a word—yet in the cold silence, it binds me. It keeps me pure and crystallized among those who cannot forsake their delusions, for to do so would mean their end. They cling to their colorful glass beads, the sweet lies they repeat each day, for the fear of truth is unbearable—it burns more than anything.

But one cannot lie to the very essence of the Totality, for how could petty, little lies withstand its might and beauty?

[Sub.Zero]

@HeroicDragon

What will you be working with to reach that financial independence?

I’ve been building three affiliate websites for the past four months. In the past, I worked on them half-heartedly, but then I realized that following my passion for teaching—especially here in Thailand—was condemning me to working for people I don’t respect. Every time, they turn out to be pseudo-businessmen whose “method” is just lying, scamming their customers, and exploiting their employees. I also found myself working alongside people whose company I don’t enjoy—not only are they not real teachers, but their attitudes are unethical, let alone professional.

So, I decided to run Emperor, and it put me on the right track.

Now, I’m running Emperor: Executive since there’s a lot of “robotic” SEO work that needs to get done—no real business management or planning yet. Later on, when the time is right, I plan to switch to Mogul to focus on real business operations. I don’t think I’ll need any other subs to reach my financial goals.

[HeroicDragon]

I don’t have a plan yet, I ordered E: E with module Synergy: The Golden One and Ascended Mogul with module Synergy: Winner Overdrive but this cycle is Revelation of Wealth, EoG St1, and Limitless Mind’s Eye… I have a regular job that I need to get away from but no real plan of action yet… Good Luck and Congratulations.

[Sub.Zero]

Although WANTED is giving me a bit of classic recon (slight headaches and irritability), it’s also altering my internal frame significantly. I’m becoming cooler in my attitude and manners, and way less talkative. My movements are becoming more deliberate and purposeful. I’m becoming more of an actor, so to speak, yet expressing my authenticity more fully.

It’s a bit paradoxical—like displaying those facets of myself that are truly me but would otherwise remain dormant. I’m not transforming into a Loki-type character as I expected, but rather… James Bond. When I noticed the change, that was the only character that spontaneously came to mind. However, there’s a cold undertone to it as well.

These effects became really pronounced, and I was able to notice them clearly after taking a two-day break from the subs.

[Sub.Zero]

It’s the spiritual part of WANTED at work, it’s similar to WB yet way more intense.

- YouTube

Let’s be clear here: most people survive trauma. Me? I’ve evolved through it.

My mind had to rebuild itself around the “evil that happened,” like bones calcifying around shrapnel. There can’t be clean healing here. No return to “before.” Only adaptation through making pain part of my identity — and that’s what makes me strong and… dangerous.

What doesn’t kill me doesn’t make me stronger… it makes me colder. It feeds the Ice in me.

I’ve weaponized the “evil that happened” as it taught me hyper-vigilance. I don’t feel danger — I read it like an open book with my eyes shut. Subtle shifts in breath? Micro-movements in body language? Tones that reveal lies? I don’t just notice. That’s not just intuition either. I just see the crack before the shatter. It’s the Ice (my unique survival mode) turned tactical. They call it paranoia. I call it pattern recognition with consequences. I always expect betrayal, so I trust no one, and I’m impossible to manipulate. Betrayal, hostility, insults, negativity never break me; they only strengthen my resolve. No emotion can be weaponized against me since I feel the Ice only…

Detachment is my weapon. I know deep down that I’m capable of atrocities with absolute no hesitation or remorse whatsoever. I know no attachment nor real vulnerability. Fear is just a mere shadow, and I don’t flinch anymore. Not because I’m brave… but because I already died where it mattered.

Every time I feel powerless or emotionally cornered, I unleash the Ice like a weapon:

• Against my enemies: to destroy, dominate, humiliate.
• Against myself: to fuel my transformation.
• Against my past: to remember that I’m no longer the victim.

I use detachment to deal with every pain. I’ve built competence to silence every insecurity. My hatred protects my inner child.

My identity got reforged from ruin, from what the “evil that happened” left in me. I never really wanted to heal, even when running DR. I wanted to become something no one can hurt again.

I don’t see my past as something to overcome — I see it as a forge. The little boy who begged for mercy? Dead. The teen who cried in the dark? Buried. What’s left? A creature of ice-will. A man not healed, but crystallized.

If I let go of the past… there’d be nothing left to hold me together.

That’s my tragedy — and my strength. The Ice didn’t make me less than human. It made me more than human, but also… “less alive.”

Instead of breaking… I reconfigured.
Fear → turned into anticipation
Loss → turned into numbness
Pain → turned into silence
Anger → turned into accuracy

I learned that emotions get you damaged. But the Ice? That’s invaluable data. That’s real fuel.

Only that insatiable rage within… I ritualized it to tame it. I channeled it and refined it. The rage is not mindless… it is sacred. The ritual repeats endlessly: You won’t cage me. You won’t silence me. I won’t be powerless ever again.

I got shackled with chains. I broke them and forged them into weapons. Now the whole world shall kneel before me.

I care nothing for other people’s empathy. I don’t want to get fixed since there’s nothing to fix, really.

Don’t love me. Don’t pity me. I am the sum of everything I survived. And I won’t surrender ever again. I am not healed. I am forged. Crystallized by the Ice.

[Sub.Zero]

Although I’ve left the ravine, I can still feel its cold grip on my heart; its darkness is still looking into my very soul…

As an infant, I was cast down into its abyss, for in my father’s eyes, I was never meant to be a “Spartan,” although my body and mind were created to be a fierce, unyielding, and merciless warrior.

That nasty and cowardly betrayal was supposed to replace my death, for I had no right to breathe, with never-ending torture to turn my destiny into a life of misery and failure. It was supposed to break me forever and make of me something that is totally against my nature – a weak coward.

However, there’s nothing weak or cowardly about a child who found its salvation in the darkest and coldest places of its mind since its other places were impossible to inhabit. It was bravery to go through countless days living at the bottom of the ravine, which would have been the end for so many.

[Sub.Zero]

How can one open a door if one doesn’t even see it?
One may fail to see it for years, even if the door is deeply burned into one’s psyche by profoundly traumatizing events. One doesn’t even realize they’re “holding the door” — trying to keep the evil that happened from ever happening again…

Game of Thrones Season 6: Episode #5 Clip – Hold The Door (HBO)

I saw the door today… and yet, behind it lies only fear — for the “evil that happened” is no longer behind the door I’m still holding. What remains is a fear of betrayal, rejection, and psychological abuse. I protected the boy who was meant to become a true king… yet he was betrayed, crippled, and frozen in a merciless blizzard that seemed to have no end.

I found the door I’m holding — up in the North, where the Ice keeps its deepest secrets locked within its dead heart. But the true king is nowhere to be found. He is imprisoned behind the very door I’m holding so desperately, for this fear cuts deeper than swords… deeper than Valyrian steel.

And for that fear… I am killing the king I swore to protect.
I am a kingslayer.
I am the worst traitor of all — for I am betraying my Self.

[Sub.Zero]

Last night, I watched the video in the previous post a couple of times, fully identifying my most terrible trauma with it and with how the Ice (my unique survival mode) copes with that trauma (I described all of that above). And then, one more video was manifested—displayed after the first video finished.

Reactors Reacting to HODOR Holding the Door | Game of Thrones 6x5 "The Door"

I saw people reacting to the first video, and my mind identified it with something that had always been missing in dealing with my trauma—not being alone, being felt and understood by others, instead of just being judged superficially or mocked for what I became because of what was done to me. I experienced the most profound act of healing there is—catharsis.

[Sub.Zero]

I’ve been experimenting with the newest tech all day to try out more of its features. I found that, apart from making reconciliation rapid and profound, it also allows you to initiate deeper-level reconciliation—or, in this case, I would rather say consolation (as it’s related to profound healing)—where my conscious mind was actively guiding my subconscious to deeper levels so that I could find the door my subconscious holds shut (the very subconscious structure that needs to be reconciled and which triggered the whole process—trauma, blockage, limiting belief, etc.), and therefore be able to work on opening it.

It all started with something that happened in the house. One of us broke my water gun and didn’t admit it since it’s still working—just not properly—that triggered the usual sense of being mistreated (I was heavily traumatized in childhood, so things like that tend to trigger my psyche). Yet, I realized I could do whatever I wanted with that trigger. I decided to let it overflow me to get to yet another door my subconscious is holding shut. A deep sadness overtook me at the thought of “common human egoism”—not for the first time in my life, however. Still, I could clearly see how I tend to discard all the good someone has done for me just because of a petty thing like that broken water gun. I could have ended this lovely reconciliation session at that point, yet I decided to abide in that sadness to get closer to that shut door. The crying of the soul began…

Finally, I found THAT DOOR—and I realized why my subconscious was holding it so desperately. Disqualifying people so easily is my “tactic” to avoid being hurt on deeper levels. Yet the consequence of that is always being alone and never being seen for who I really am… never being truly loved. The terrible consequence of holding that door shut is condemning myself to “carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders” and knowing no relief.

I found it consoling that, despite human egoism and my own pettiness in that matter, the world is still a beautiful and amazing place I want to be part of. I felt real joy at that thought.

It’s yet another door that the newest tech helped me find and open… all of that within just three days. Amazing.

I would like to point out that all the doors I’ve found and opened so far are strictly related to the social aspect of my life. I haven’t encountered any doors related to WANTED or QL yet. Perhaps that’s because I need the “relevant triggers” for reconciliation on those subs.

[Sub.Zero]

I need the Ice no more, for the evil that happened is just an old, worn, black-and-white photograph.

The era of the shadow awaits me…