I’ve only had Emperor v4 17 loops, PS 17 loops, Sanguine 14 loops so far. I try to listen everyday but I took last Friday and Saturday off which is ironically when I had some breakthroughs. I haven’t been able to get 10+ loops a day like others because of my schedule and my fear of my tinnitus getting worse but hopefully I’ll start to increase.
it’s been way too long since I’ve journal but I’ve definitely had some sort of breakthrough. Before I get to that, I’ve realized that I really need to journal. I’ve noticed different positive things, e.g. very talkative when I start talking to some people, increased feeling of energy, feeling like the absolute man and nothing could bring down, while running these titles but I’ve never journaled so I’d kinda write them off. I’ve also experienced negative effects such as very mild headache (not common and could be because I don’t hydrate often), distancing myself from others sometimes (I would have to force myself to be open and social with my roommates and then it’d get better; also could be cause my subconscious feels they aren’t helping me improve myself so why bother), feeling down and depressed (not too common). I can attribute most of this reconciliation which helps.
Anyways, below is my breakthrough journal from the weekend. I had these realizations when I was pretty drunk right after going to a rave. I took these notes on my phone and only edited out names and names of places so my thoughts and the format might seem pretty scattered. here it goes:
[bar name/first night of weekend]
had to get out my comfort zone but once I did I knew hooking was natural and easy and wouldve happened if she wasnt too trashed [OP note: this girl ended up being super drunk end of night and fell asleep soon as we got back to her place so I just let her be and went home] was rusty initially cause havent gone out in awhile but once i warmed up and put myself out there it was chillin and felt natural
less porn PLEASE. deeper rooted issue/belief potentially
[night of rave]
wow I need to journal more. I’ve noticed change but they didn’t really “stick” and become actualized cause I’d just forget them or wrote them off because I wasn’t journaling. but they are definitely there and evident. just need to remember and document the effects
the combination of some super deep rooted fear of how people view me plus the type of people I’ve hanged with who are judgmental is the cause of my self consciousness regarding this issue
too worried about what people think of me at raves dancing hard
social cues are important, so if you want to express yourself alot more you have to change the environment of people youre with.
but not necessarily a knock on [friend] and [other friend], could be on own insecurity and not calibrating accurately
subs are not a final solution that’ll make me instantly perfect. I need to struggle and find my faults naturally, realize them, and then change my perceptions and original beliefs
this concert shit has been evident since forever but I put the blame on me doing something wrong rather than the type of people I went with
probably a mixture of both definitely. My issue and theirs.
getting pussy and being validated by being seen as a part of the culture isn’t the goal of life and the lack of it does not determine my worth
clearly something IS up by the way I feel. The above statements are likely true [OP note: i was starting to resist these thoughts and write them off]
life is good. stop worrying about shit and others and let go of my ego 1000%
subs are working 100% cause ive never had these realizations before to this extent
keep journaling. its huge
alcohol could also be the problem maybe.
QL module has me feeling super smart
I need to hang out less with certain people to fully grow better
ive always known deep inside this was an issue
[friend] doean’t care about me as much as a I think he does regarding if he judges me
time spent with [other friend] getting food right after is my most authentic, genuine, carefree state of being
this technology is strong. im drunk but still able to see and realize these insecurities (that might be correlated to alcohol) and document them
[next day insights]
no need to hide who I hook up with from others and care about what they think
notice I like to talk more
sometimes feel distant from others or didnt want to interact at the beginning of listening to the subs
saw older pics I initially didnt like and viewed myself as better looking and had high self esteem regarding them
end weekend journal.
for background, I go to raves/concerts but I don’t really fit the demographic, which is kinda bullshit but that’s what my subconscious tells me. because of this, sometimes I overcompensate and feel that I need to put myself out there and be visible to show people “hey, I fit in. I’m one of you guys” when they probably don’t care much in the first place. but at the same time, I really do enjoy fully expressing myself like this because it is alot of fun and makes me feel alive. some of my buddies I go with don’t really put themselves too out there which kind of effects my energy. this creates internal conflict. I shouldn’t care but also going with more likeminded friends would be way better (I had some but they moved away).
very long post but some very good insights for me