From what you’ve said before, you already have a good plan for detoxing from this. Having goals set in the future you can work towards is a good start.
Remember, you’re not dealing with just one trauma, but three of them: being fired, being injured (so that you can’t participate in your martial arts discipline), and breaking up with her. Having all three of them in play makes it all the more important to take some action, any action which is not a reaction to the situations, in order to shift the focus away from problem focused thinking to a solution oriented mindset. Remember the quote often attributed to Einstein, “we cannot solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it”.
You’re already smart enough to realize that Tiktok brain is a thing, so don’t be a sado-masochist and torture yourself with that.
Since @Titiba mentioned neurodiversity, I think there are at least a few take-homes which can come from comparison with that. Part of the experience I had with the original Emperor when I started it in 2020 was that it started with a sense of anger at the people around me which eventually transformed after several loops and time into a specific type of consciousness, one of resilience - having the strength of mind and body to push through pain, stress and tiredness in search of the future goals.
One thing I’d found as an older neurodivergent is that the high intellectual levels reached by having such a rich inner / mental life seem to have developed as a coping mechanism or adjustment to external for physical body factors. This led to certain strengths, like being able to have keen insight into what’s happening in social situations while still often remaining an outsider, or developing intricate knowledge of things like computers when I was young through my ability to hyper focus on one thing. But when it came to moving outside the well travelled or safe pathways, it took a lot more energy and persistence to persist in the face of societal reactions.
Emperor at the time gave me that sense of “IDGAF”, blaze my own path, set the middle finger to those who would put you down.
Sub wise, if I understand it, you’re already running HeO for the resilience and the sped-up healing. I don’t know whether maybe something a little stronger might give you the kick of energy/motivation to push through the addiction to the existing traumatic state. Maybe KB ST1 would help, or just one of the majors with more of a masculine kick to it. HeO is great for persistence and willpower, but without the ability to focus on your craft the effects are going to be more subtle than something like Emperor or Khan or GLMC. On top of that, I know you’re running the stuff mentioned in a custom format, which complicates things.
What is ultimately going to help to break the state is something that can provide the impetus to break the rhythm or pattern you’ve fallen into. This is where exercise, deep breathing, walking, music and so on can help. And I’m not talking about sappy love songs, but something with a good beat or energy to it. Trauma like what you’re talking about has a flat quality to it, sadness affects the lungs, so find something that’s going to open up and clear them so healing can come.
Its easiest to look at it from an energetic perspective rather than trying to “solve” the funk with overthinking. Often just observing the state without judging it will be enough to help to start the shift. It’s when you start criticizing yourself and making yourself feel worse that things spiral.
