How might I handle shame surfacing on EOG ST1?


#1

This whole last weekend I was very uncomfortable. I’m just hitting 60 days of using ST1 of EOG, and something felt so bad, so depressing while surfacing this weekend. I couldn’t identify it. But I did just a while ago. It’s shame.

I bring this up since shame is one the hardest emotions for me to face and feel, and my whole life I’ve tried hard to perform, to impress, or to just hide–anything and almost everything to convince myself I didn’t believe I was shameful.

I’m writing here for some accountability, as I’ve considered quitting EOG for that reason alone. Shame is felt when thinking of quitting, so I’m asking for some guidance or some forgotten choices I have.

Last night, to try to avoid this heavy feeling, I put on Regeneration (3x) and Ascension v.2 (1x) and looped it all night. I own most of the major (non-sexual) stacking modules.

What might I do? And what might I listen to which might help? I’ve been running ST1 (3x) and Sanguine (1x) at home. I usually just run ST1 solo at work.

Thanks for your imput.


#2

If it’s reconciliation, you’re already doing the right thing by listening to Regeneration. Perhaps give it a day?


#3

I do tend to look for instant results, and since relief wasn’t really felt until I woke up, I will do that tonight.

For some reason, Godlike Masculinity seems appropriate here too. I mentioned I don’t own any sexual subs, and part of me knows I feel shame attached to my own masculinity. No dad ever around, and a mom who never dated.


#4

Could you share some of the thoughts please.
I don’t understand what shame means; I confuse it with guilt, unworthiness, fears of being judged/ridiculed, etc.


Either ways, Regeneration should help, and the more clearly you see/express everything, the easier it is for the subs to work.

I recommend walking when pondering, instead of sitting or lying down in one place. :+1:t2:


#5

Ok. Essentially, the main difference between guilt and shame is simple.

Guilt says “I did something wrong”. It moves me to repair and tend to what I’ve broken as soon as I can.

Shame says “I am wrong.” I feel it in my core being, but almost anything I do doesn’t change that feeling. It’s a belief that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m undesirable.

I grew up with an unavailable, alcoholic mom who I tried to make happy (I tried to be loved all the time), and when she didn’t, I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault. Shame wasn’t there because we were poor. Shame was there since I believed she wouldn’t love me. She passed last July, but it was still a struggle visiting her regularly before then since I’d constantly be pushing that awareness down when I saw her. When looking in her eyes, she was trying to do exactly what I was trying to do myself, We were both trying to squelch the truth that neither of us felt lovable.

I’m realizing I’ve been trying to hide that feeling from myself while running ST1, so that’s why I asked for help. The part of me which feels it believes he’s powerless to change that boogie man, that everpresent truth in me, and subs have moved me internally the most.

There are ways to mitigate shame, and from experience, I know one is to share what’s happening in me with one or more people. A shared burden is a lighter burden. That’s why I share it.


#6

This was strange.

I received EQ from Saint today, and listened maybe 3 loops while at work. One thing I’ve loved about Emperor is the energy drive it gives me, and it surely did not disappoint.

I had EOG running most of the day after that, and I arrived home a few hours ago. To try to avoid the shame, I’ve been running Godlike Masculinity solo since that time. 5 minutes ago I thought I should put EOG back on. I did.

What shocked me was I felt the shame I was trying to avoid immediately upon starting EOG. So be it. ST1 has dug that up, and it’s not forgetting it, obviously. Shame is what it’s breaking down, and me fighting it is not empowering. I’ve relied on shame too, expecting it if I do certain behaviors.

I question myself on how much I’ve used it and relied upon it. I have something more to share, but will save it for my EOG thread.


EOG: No small change