High On My Own Supply

Journals - Major Programs
#161

Went out at night

Yeah, I’m surprised too.

It wasn’t as painful as I thought, but I did enter and exited beforehand thinking that I’d socialised :white_check_mark:

But walking away I thought, I should actually make an effort… And it went well. 15 minutes turned into 3 hours.

Now, these are with my art peer group and I wasn’t shaking like a shitting dog, which is some achievement. The inner wound of “I’m not worthy they are above me and will judge me” didn’t exist at all, I deserved to be there even if I don’t like socialising at all. But I passed with flying colours.

Phoenix allowed my real self to show through and it wasn’t as life/death as before :innocent:

Conversely since the wound healed and self love is the new operating system, I’m wholly not interested in relationships anymore. That’s been totally eliminated. I see the try hard couples all out on the weekend so snuggling up thinking “what’s with the performance? Who are you trying to convince here?” Are they marking their “territory”? Thing is, I don’t care that much to enter your business like that, I’ve got me and my freedom.

They say "love yourself and someone will appear to love you back". What if I don’t want that? What if I’m actually happy by myself? What if that is a distraction to my own goals in life? I’m about to crush it in my creative practice, what does a woman add to this? Sure I’ll still be friendly and open and shit, but for that, I can’t be arsed. Chasing that love ended with LBFH actually settling inside with Phoenix healing that wound.

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#162

Blimey the labs.subliminalclub.com descriptions of both Chosen and Chosen From Within are amazingly clear and pertinent - I can see exactly what the titles are and what they represent.

From CFW:

Most leadership development works from the outside in — build the skills, project the confidence, learn the techniques. Chosen From Within works from the inside out. Know yourself first. Heal what’s broken. Build leadership on the foundation of genuine self-understanding rather than compensatory performance

It actively addresses the wounds that produce insecure leadership — the need for external validation, the fear of being exposed as inadequate, the compulsive need to control everything because trusting others feels risky.

What have I been writing about for the longest? Needing attention and adulation. Why not supply it myself?

Exactly what I need at this stage of rebuilding. Alongside Phoenix it’s going to be formidable.

The leader built from genuine self-knowledge looks confident always, because confidence isn’t a technique — it’s a byproduct of actually knowing who you are, what you stand for, and why you’re the right person to lead.

Thing is, my path isn’t the usual get married, have kids, retire hamster wheel. It’s one of being the cast out scapegoated black sheep turned influential leader. At my lowest, friends have even said that I have such a deep authoritative aura - they’ve said “he doesn’t know it yet but this guy is a leader”. I’ve had others want to be near me, but not want me as a person. I’ve been copied, I’ve been been corralled into teaching, hating the visibility and vulnerability until it felt destined. Instead of running way from it (and wondering why life hasn’t worked out) I thought I’ll build up to Chosen with CFW.

As these patterns heal, what emerges is authority that doesn’t need to defend itself because it has nothing to hide.

Already, relaxing into my own power feels great because dimming myself for others has had a 0% success rate so far. zero point led to this - my real and true powerful self. LFG :fire:

3 Likes
#163

Currently stacking CFW with Phoenix (2nd cycle)

This was half recommended by Claude and honestly this is what I’ve been wanting as a bridge between healing and leading. As a teacher, I feel sometimes that insecure feeling not knowing something and then the students pick up on it - also not keeping the structure of the lessons clear enough…

I’ve not felt it as isolating as the other reports, in fact the inwards feeling is great - I actually need to stop leaking out energy that others can freely dine on. This has started to create a few haters - because they can’t tap me anymore, they become resentful that I wouldn’t just hand over pieces of myself without some investment. Which is fine, don’t really care.

CFW is also making me more attractive as well (not DreamBoi levels) which I didn’t expect, but my anchor is firmly within, rather than seeking and searching and obsessing outside myself.

4 Likes
#164

Fuck everyone and everything.

.

CFW kicking in. May all the couples, male and female making a big deal out them being together, marking their territory near me go fuck themselves.

#165

You alright, man?

#166

I forgot. I used to get stuff like that. This was before subs tho.

It’s more women checking me out and even trying to pull moves on me in front of their bf’s, at least when that kinda thing happens. So yea, just gotta pick your poison I guess.

I also recall before being on subs if I was filled with love, the women would get clingy with their bf’s. and the bf would wonder what was going on, because he couldn’t feel the vibes at all, so he was like wtf is happening right now? lol

And last year on LBFH I had some couples start public displays with each other when they felt the vibe, lol. To me it’s just entertaining though. But chicks trying to pull moves on me in front of their bf’s, yea I just completely ignore that. i don’t want the drama of that.

1 Like
#167

Yeah. That’s what was happening all around me, especially on weekends when all couples will go out and do their thing. I’m not in the game of competing with some dude, watching some dude get up in his feelings because his woman wants to check me out. Keep those territorial Neanderthal “she’s mine” shit away from me.

Below this, inside I’m the calmest I’ve ever been, so either CFW is showing me the thorn of not being “Chosen” in a conventional sense. Either that or the universe is testing me. Chosen/CFW is supposed to be positive, so it’s probably recon coming up.

#168

Much better. Must have been recon or the weekends are especially triggering. Chosen OG seems to have added some positivity.

1 Like
#169

Going to start a new journal with Chosen and CFW as long term lead stack. I’m ready for it.

I’m unusually positive about myself since adding OG Chosen. My long term goal now is to leverage my natural self with the title that fits me the best out of the whole catalogue - that’s Chosen. I also have some healing and inner reinforcement left to do, so CFW comes in.

First thing I’ve realised is that being a chosen one doesn’t mean align with everything! Taking up other people’s causes because I want to be seen as “the good guy” - trying to befriend people that don’t fit me is exhausting… Chosen is giving me the permission slip to allow more of me to be me and to lean into my unique vibe rather than let society tell me to grind and hustle a 2.4 lifestyle.

Chosen does that well.

Signing out. @RVconsultant please lock off this thread!

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#170

One question first, what is this:

#171

2.4 lifestyle is from the saying and 90s sitcom 2.4 Children, it means being present to raise the standard nuclear family and live the standard life. I call it the 2.4 lifestyle.

2 Likes
#172
#173

I look forward to the continuation of your journey.

1 Like