Going to start a new journal with New WANTED/Joy to aid in my new life. I’ve found myself again, so now’s the time to get high on my own supply:
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One of the maddest journal titles on here rofl
I just imagined a couple cartel dudes panicking because you don’t need their supply anymore.
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I don’t mean to write like a Gen Zer (bestie), but New GLM is something else.
Trauma teaches me to leave my body, to dissociate, to no longer feel.
It also teaches me to access the upper chakras and delve into the world of intuition and the imagination.
But the lower chakras get neglected.
That makes me nervous on the inside, unfeeling on the outside.
Just pretending to be “stoic alpha number 1”.
Which is pretentious bullshit.
New GLM solved this immediately.
I’ve stopped running from myself.
Because there is no need to anymore.
There’s nothing to escape from - trauma, beatings, repeated shame attacks, mockery of my very being and character.
No wonder I didn’t want to inhabit this flesh suit.
I wanted to escape it.
Heaven seemed safer.
GLM gives me shelter, the anchor, freedom from the highs and lows, the elation and the terror.
But it doesn’t turn me into a cold stone (life did that).
In fact Joy + GLM could very well be my foundation.
The first floor after the prolonged excavation.
The second floor, the third…
I duped myself thinking women were the panacea.
I didn’t take my own advice.
But I’ll continue New WANTED.
Because IDGAF applies everywhere in life.
Plus it’s amusing to be the cause, rather than the reaction.
It’s good to take off the straitjacket.
.
Writing in prose completely spontaneously, could be a talent uncovered…
Feels weird to even be talking about GLM as a healing title but the very act of detaching from my stormy emotional climate is having that effect on a much more profound level. Being up and down like the sea isn’t nice and experiencing trauma flashbacks and trigger shots of terror on a regular basis interferes with my wellbeing. But being calm and even keeled is revealing for me in that:
- I’m not responsible for other people’s insecurities and to stop taking them on
- I can now live inside my body fully now
- I am now safe and I am now fully me
- I am present and real to myself and the world
- Destabilising public disapproval is now irrelevant
Joy and WANTED add to this “new man” feeling but what GLM offers is new and liberating for a survivor to thriver. I’m not even thinking about women in this context, I’m more committed to bringing Michel back into the body he chose to inhabit and effect the world positively.
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