Going to start a new journal with New WANTED/Joy to aid in my new life. I’ve found myself again, so now’s the time to get high on my own supply:
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One of the maddest journal titles on here rofl
I just imagined a couple cartel dudes panicking because you don’t need their supply anymore.
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I don’t mean to write like a Gen Zer (bestie), but New GLM is something else.
Trauma teaches me to leave my body, to dissociate, to no longer feel.
It also teaches me to access the upper chakras and delve into the world of intuition and the imagination.
But the lower chakras get neglected.
That makes me nervous on the inside, unfeeling on the outside.
Just pretending to be “stoic alpha number 1”.
Which is pretentious bullshit.
New GLM solved this immediately.
I’ve stopped running from myself.
Because there is no need to anymore.
There’s nothing to escape from - trauma, beatings, repeated shame attacks, mockery of my very being and character.
No wonder I didn’t want to inhabit this flesh suit.
I wanted to escape it.
Heaven seemed safer.
GLM gives me shelter, the anchor, freedom from the highs and lows, the elation and the terror.
But it doesn’t turn me into a cold stone (life did that).
In fact Joy + GLM could very well be my foundation.
The first floor after the prolonged excavation.
The second floor, the third…
I duped myself thinking women were the panacea.
I didn’t take my own advice.
But I’ll continue New WANTED.
Because IDGAF applies everywhere in life.
Plus it’s amusing to be the cause, rather than the reaction.
It’s good to take off the straitjacket.
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Writing in prose completely spontaneously, could be a talent uncovered…
Feels weird to even be talking about GLM as a healing title but the very act of detaching from my stormy emotional climate is having that effect on a much more profound level. Being up and down like the sea isn’t nice and experiencing trauma flashbacks and trigger shots of terror on a regular basis interferes with my wellbeing. But being calm and even keeled is revealing for me in that:
- I’m not responsible for other people’s insecurities and to stop taking them on
- I can now live inside my body fully now
- I am now safe and I am now fully me
- I am present and real to myself and the world
- Destabilising public disapproval is now irrelevant
Joy and WANTED add to this “new man” feeling but what GLM offers is new and liberating for a survivor to thriver. I’m not even thinking about women in this context, I’m more committed to bringing Michel back into the body he chose to inhabit and effect the world positively.
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Wanted is working in the background, got a few stares, one wanting to devour me, another in the cafe sneaking and exchanging glances. However New GLM is grounding me, making me unmovable and present in a way that reverses trauma leaving the body. I don’t need to cede or placate strangers in order to be validated. It just doesn’t happen anymore. I realise I’ve been addicted to others’ emotional drugs, but like the thread title suggests, I’m switching suppliers, I’m getting High On My Own Supply.
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Furthermore, this points out that you likely have some stubborn subconscious structures in the romance part of your life - so you’ll need plenty of time and focus with WANTED.
Reminder for me to take it easy and pace the results
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All of a sudden worried about stacking GLM with New WANTED, like one would neutralise the other when out and about…
Looking back on what’s happened on this stack:
- One woman looking at me like she wanted to eat me
- Being flanked side by side by (presumably) attached women in the cafe, both giving massive leaning-in clues, wanting to be opened…
- Muted attraction from an attached work colleague that had previously showed strong involuntary attraction cues
- Asked for a supermarket loyalty card by one woman who just wanted cheaper pizza, I told her “I’m having half!”
- Had a 10-second gaze session with another woman at the cafe. No approach yet.
So maybe I’m a little impatient
GLM? Well… in the same high level event with the female work colleague I somehow managed to share my opinion more out loud and have it well received. Heaven knows where the words came from but it all flowed out, and it was of a high quality. Out in the streets no one wants to step to me, the same scenario plays out every time - one dude intends to intimidate me with a look or presence, catches my GLM aura and decides to change course. More respect, more “don’t bring nonsense to my yard” and even respect from other men, like being asked directions for example.
An interesting combo nonetheless.
Dear Wanted diary 
I’m on the “market”, however all previous relationships prior to my 3-year relationship with my ex have been friendzoned ones, so I have no actual experience in dating, however Wanted should be enticing enough to have a couple of relationships to gain more experience.
I haven’t given up, however the weariness is in the background. I am going out by myself, which probably gives off a desperate vibe, hope not. Am I too desperate to make a relationship happen? Am I a little too insular? Let’s see.
It reminded me of when I asked a woman out in a sweet shop, after making a road sign with her name on it (art college, absolute cringe…), she “had a boyfriend already”… That was my first ask and I left feeling worthless and shameful. I’m wondering whether Wanted is pulling up these troublesome experiences and neutralising them in real time?
Is Wanted also urging me to go out too? I’m a little scared of doing that, no problems during the day, but the night scene - jeez, another trauma of being massively rejected at uni…
There’s nothing wrong with me, I know there isn’t, but Wanted seems to reinforce the good and challenge the bad, some of it embarrassing to look back at, but hopefully there is a payoff coming, even if it is just to be more charismatic, accepting of my awesomeness and effortlessly sexually playful and charming.
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From thinking about going out, whining about past embarrassment and feeling stuck to enjoying a night out by myself and getting a ton of compliments. Even the environment conspired to lead me there in the first place…
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