Healing emotionally: RoM, LBFH

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Subs (presently): RoM and LBFH
Rest day
Jan. 11, 2023

I’m tired of hiding. I’ve been on RoM and LBFH a couple of weeks now, and I had one major goal early on: to not put on a mask (a new reality) whenever someone contacted me in person or online. I’ve held this stance much better than before RoM, even feeling uncomfortable since I’m not playing my very familiar role.

RoM is doing like I’ve heard Saint and others share of it unlocking subs they’ve used. I’ve felt:

Emperor: major case of imposter syndrome came on. Thinking like “who the hell am I? Are you REALLY so special?”
DR: some remembrances of feeling safe while on it. A lot of peace (from lack of fear)
Regeneration: Regen hit me hard while on it years back, so I kept pulling off of it. Feelings of internal pain came up while using RoM, as it went to the same emotional roots. Even writing that was difficult since Regen requires I look at my stuff.

A big thing I’ve noticed in the last 24 hours is I’m losing my grip on my mental and emotional hideouts. I’m serious here. I woke up this morning, sensing my rose-colored glasses weren’t really helping me (it is difficult to write), and I wondered how my day would be if I wasn’t seeking distractions and escapes (by music, sweets, and coffee). I had sweets and coffee, but music… I’ve thought of Saint’s words lately of how music hypnotizes us so easily. I only had the radio on a 1/3 of the day today. It’s like the normal blanket I put on my mind via music…felt painful at times. Like holding on to my (system of denying truth) was painful. And I actually got a lot more done…without additional stress. That’s different.

So RoM is doing like @simon said: it’s finishing things the subs never finished.

And to check myself, I wrote a support ticket last night since I was wondering if I should return to DR. No reply yet…but after writing this I’m thinking (uncomfortably) I should stay on RoM and LBFH. It’s doing a lot of needed work.

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#2

Something I didn’t include of subs being reactivated was Chosen. I know it came up.

Whie running Chosen (a year back?), it hit my sense of integrity hard. I’d made a decision years back that was not good. I kept mentally dismissing it, and soon enough I didn’t even think about it. When I began Chosen, that guilt of this came up quickly. And I’d kept it a secret until I finally shared it with someone. I was in the spot where I had to share it, and I did.

That same feeling (good guilt) has resurfaced, and I’ve listened. I’ve not made simple changes yet…but I’m willing, needing, and wanting to. Someone shared here recently about long-standing unresolved problems suddenly breaking down, and his solutions came to him while on RoM. This gives me hope, as my decision will have consequences too. I need peace with myself, so I’m listening.

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#3

Only RoM this morning
Jan. 12, 2023

To avoid possible recon, I listened to only RoM this morning. And most of the day I felt desiring of some emotional security. Here’s why. Today may have been a signal to me.

I ended up working with a sweet girl who’s on our team now. We have similar spiritual beliefs. But emotionally…I was in low-panic mode. I noticed my fear was slowly escalating through the day, and I just went quiet.

I’d been playing this sweet, funny role at the beginning of the day, and when I wished to talk, I kept going to that same shallow mentality. I realized this, so I began holding off, leading to a lot of silence.

I noticed my expectations of her began rising up, breeding increasing silence from me. And something happened while on lunch.

We were talking about our female manager, and I chose to bring up a good thing she did. And it was how she had showed up at my mom’s funeral in 2019. I began crying, and my female coworker even said “let it out”. I cried since I’ve been pushing my mom away in my mind since she died, and it hit me. I’ve pushed every woman away since then too. Every single one. Both friends and family. I’ve remembered pieces of pain associated with my mom, and I’d instantly have those fears and feelings while in conversation with ANY female. And like today, I’d instantly withdraw. Pull back. Hide in broad daylight. And feel scared of my pain, completely unsure of what to do with it. Never telling anybody.

I shared some about pulling away from my mom with my coworker, and I shed more tears.

And damn, my messy survival thinking showed up. I didn’t verbalize it, but I’d grown accustomed to depending on other people when feeling vulnerable. It was born out of fear and manipulation when young, so withdrawing made it easier today, thinking “noone wants you that way. Alone is better”.

This had me desiring some emotional sanity and security found in DR. That may be recon. Maybe, maybe not. But my head was in that space a lot after my cry.

Synopsis: I often isolate when I’m in pain. I must be in pain–for I’ve not dated anyone since my divorce in 2014. I’ve just grown used to it. I definitely don’t go looking for relationships. I even spoke to my ex tonight since we still do taxes, and I desired distance from her way before the call ever ended. I’ve been in pain for a long time. I’m living in survival mode, still haunted by the same feelings, beliefs, and scars from my wounded mother.

No reply from support yet about DR.

(What the hell am I doing to myself?)

Answer: I’m trying to avoid it AND approach it at the same time. It feels awful.

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#4

I listened to DR St1 this morning
Jan. 14, 2023

I just finished listening to DR St1. I didn’t want to keep running away from my pain, so I listened to it instead.

I need to talk about something, something I’ve done here in this forum. I’ve not written daily thoughts, like last night’s thoughts. I’ve been doing that a number of months now.

Why? I’m so used to cowering to other males in my life–and my only reason is fearing someone may not like me. And maybe someone would disagree with me. I’ve been rebelling against this internally for years.

However, when I’m alone, saying no to anybody else, I feel completely lost. Why? I barely value myself. I’m considering LBFH later today, but I’m feeling a big nada in self-worth.

This was why I will follow anyone else’s promptings and suggestions, for … you may not like mine. I barely believe in myself, and (you) might be my hero. That’s my childhood thinking still in play 40+ years later.

Even writing all that was painful. I’m still searching, hoping, and despairing while still seeking a loving brother figure. My secret (at least in my thinking) is I’m seeking that, but never telling anyone what I’m doing. Makes me think of a beautiful woman who sung on America’s Got Talent. Noone knew she’d signed up, and she was there all alone. She said she didn’t want to be rejected if she bombed… She was in tears when the audience responded to her performance.

She sung beautifully. Simon called her mesmerizing.

I’ve been doing the same thing here. Wishing to shine to others, but tearing myself down even before I finish writing. I anticipate rejection and instantly put walls up to keep me from being hurt more. So, I isolate when not at work.

Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
Will I change what I think about myself?

Yeah. I’ve been the one rejecting myself constantly. Everyone else is just in my imagination.

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#5

just to throw this in:

I’ve been sliding down into the belief that “my life’s going to be shit”. I’m watching a movie now, with roles and lifestyles completely unlike my own. But their struggles are all the same.

I guess I’m just seeing I’ve been choosing to follow this route.

#6

I’m going to follow this guidance. I’ll resume with RoM and LBFH tomorrow. The reply from support:

While we cannot offer any concrete life guidance as we do not know your life situation, nor are we supposed to, we can offer advice based on what we see from your subliminal usage.

Consider whether you ran away from Dragon Reborn’s last two stages.

Consider whether you are attempting to run away from RoM and LBFH now.

If you are afraid of standing on your own two feet, the subliminal you run will not matter. At some point in time, you will simply have to stand up.

This is part of taking action, and any of our subliminals will eventually confront you with it. It might take more or less time, but eventually it will pop up in some way if you truly desire to heal yourself fully and completely.

Since you are getting this on RoM and LBFH, we’d recommend continuing the course you are on right now until you resolve this fear. It’s working and helping you figure out and untangle this situation and fear, so make use of it and work with it. Then, once you are sure it is gone and you are emotionally steady, go back and finish the two stages. This will ensure anything left over will be healed as well.

Hope this helps, and do let us know if you have any further questions by opening a new ticket – we are happy to assist.

Warm regards,

– SC Support

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#7

That one hit the nail on the head. Nice in-dept post from support.

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#8

How is it going with the journey? Still going strong?

#9

@subliminalguy How are you doing?

I’m curious if you’ve taken a look at the newest Sanguine: The Elixir. :blush: