God is for the Steadfast - Journal

[bombayduck]

Enlightening talk with my friend today, with some major takeaways:

Fuck I forgot what I was about to write. Fuck.

Anyways, the other takeaway was that my distrust of everyone is a key characteristic that is impeding me from growing, because it’s not only what I project but it also impedes my ability to ask help from others, thinking I could do it all myself because of my fear of rejection.

But my fear of rejection is ultimately a distrust of not just everyone around me, but of myself as well.

I don’t trust myself and I need to if I’m going to grow.

And this distrust of everything and everyone, not only begins with my father but it is also the root of his downfall. His distrust of everyone is why he’s where he is now, and what prevented him from ever growing.

It’s a protective mechanism to prevent myself from getting hurt, and it should not be used anymore - it’s a survival instinct that simply needs to go.

My lack of self-trust is not only something that permeates through all aspects of my life, but it’s also something that women can clock easy.

[bombayduck]

The difference between the rich and the poor is that the rich look for their money, while the poor wait to get paid.

Abundance versus scarcity.

[bombayduck]

It’s been 2 months since I started Good ZP.

Feel like I’m in a lot of recon at the moment, I find myself spinning in tires, frustrated with everything in my life and imprisoned by my desires.

I want to get a new job. I’m excessively comfortable in this place and it’s a problem. I’m tired of fighting to get paid my worth so I want to go to the place that actually will. The job market is absolutely fucked, so those options aren’t nearly as plentiful as they were 3 years ago.

I want to get a girl on my level. Feels like I find good quality girls when it comes to the personality match but the lifestyle + looks isn’t there, whereas the opposite is the case for the prettier ones.

I want my true independence. I’m starting to hyper-analyze my lifestyle here and while I do have a lot of freedom, I’m still subject to mental restrictions that I just wouldn’t have if I lived by myself. Are those restrictions worth the price of monthly rent?

Is being true to who and what I am worth the price of rent?

The common theme here: I feel stuck in the position I’m in, I have a limiting belief that prevents me from seeing the end goal and I feel the constant need to compromise.

I need to get out of my head. I can’t fucking escape, I’m done, I want out.

[bombayduck]

Vacation for December. Pausing Good + Suavemente for Paragon and Sanguine, the latter for vibes and the former because I’ve recently began to develop lower back pain that is a significant cause for concern.

Seems like my hiatus from physical activity is starting to catch up to me, and I cannot ignore it any longer.

[bombayduck]

The fact that I was able to change my life completely and turn it around is something that people rarely do, especially at the age I did it at. The humility and self-awareness it took is not something I should take for granted, people live their entire lives making the same mistakes.

I hold myself to such a high standard that I feel like I’m always failing, that I’m never enough and that I always need to do more. Even after all I’ve accomplished in 3 years, I still punish myself regularly because I feel like it’s not enough. I’ve had people tell me that I need to be kinder to myself and I agree, but I don’t know where to start.

And then I look at my sisters.

And it makes me realize what I’ve done is the impossible; I went from being the pariah to the patriarch, from the liability to the resource, once the center of attention because of all the problems I caused, to being the centre of attention due to the greatness I’ve achieved in such a short time period. I am genuinely great.

I must be better, but I am more than good enough and anyone thinking otherwise is being a fool. I need to stop being a fool and look at myself, who I am, what I’ve done, what I’ve accomplished and the love I give and get from all. I benefit the lives of those around me and that is what my ethos and life must center around.

What does it mean for me to be better? It means I need to better more lives, I need to bring more happiness and spread more joy. This can only be done with more money, more exposure, I need to be seen and heard by more people.

[bombayduck]

Chosen’s impact on my mental is clear from the post above.

Daredevil’s impact on me through Suavemente has been immense, but I’ve rarely had the chance to discuss it here. I don’t spend as much time on the forum because I simply don’t have the time to do so, which in and of itself is proof of the subliminals working.

I restarted my social life from zero after isolating myself from everyone. I was completely alone, nowhere to go, no one to speak to. I remember those days clearly, they were not far behind.

The other day at work I was conversing with someone and she expressed how shocked she was at how “the IT guy” was, and I quote, “the most popular person in the company”, a company where 80% of the workforce are between the ages of 22 and 32, and at a marketing firm no less.

She wasn’t the first to express that sentiment to me, but it was who said it and the way she formulated it that was so direct and honest and genuine that my fucking insecurity couldn’t figure out any other way to spin it in a negative way.

Keep in mind that I don’t work with a bunch of balding 40 year olds with failing marriages and oversized blazers. These are good looking, well-dressed, trendy individuals used to partying, living life, flexing on social media and they’re attracted to ME and MY life, MY energy, MY company.

This is a game-breaking change in my life, this has quite literally never happened to me before. I was never this, so it’s hard to believe that that’s who I am now but it’s true. I can’t deny it, my rotten insecurities can’t deny it anymore because the evidence on the contrary is simply too overwhelmingly great.

More to come, my little cousin is trying to play with me and I promised him I would a few hours ago

[bombayduck]

Yesterday, as I was waiting in 30 degree beautiful sunny weather in my 5 star resort hotel room for my room service to deliver food I came to the sudden realization that I am truly blessed to be where I am at in my life right now. I have the automatic respect and admiration by default of strangers and those around me, I have nothing to prove to them because I alone am great already.

What a beautiful feeling. Thank you God.

I want to try Primal, but I can’t run Suavemente because it will interfere, which is a problem because I need my KBBC.

My compromise stack: Paragon, Primal and KBBC4, with Paragon being switched back to GOOD ZP once I return home.

[bombayduck]

What if what I was looking for was right in front of me this entire time?