I feel like I am slowly finding out what the inner spa is…I start to experience when I take rest that my mind relaxes and releases control over my body. I feel how the mind retracts control and projected tensions on my body to come to the here and now.
I am quite humbled to start to experience that gap between me and my mind for the first time.
Meditation never really worked for me as most my thoughts are somatized. Before I have bad thoughts my body automatically contracts and I am in a state where there is no other chance than to identifiy with my thoughts out of sheer pressure. These ideals of meditation that say: simply let the thoughts pass over you like clouds…doesnt work. as each of those clouds carries a thunderstorm that strikes me with lightning.
Also approaching a very very deep and rough pattern in my nervous system that seemingly kept my save in my childhood:
there is a connection between joy and fear. I slowly approach a point where I start to feel positive feelings like joy, accomplishment and pleasure in my body. But as soon as those come out…fear starts. And I start to realize that what I call fear is not fear. Its a feeling of terror. That feeling of: someone is after me and is gonna kick me out of society and banish me from humankind. And this feeling is connected to most of my actual feelings. there is this overhead (that seemingly tried to protect me in childhood) that makes every notion of my actual self seem life threatening.