@Michel i can relate allot to what you talk in your journal. To help speed up the process of clearing and regeneration in the occult philosophy the magician must attain first a constant state of " no mind" only then can he start is journey of the invisible world and his own powers.
My suggestion is a tape on youtube called " Barry Long - How to stop thinking " if you just listen to this tape and practice active listening it will help you in ways you cant imagine, specially releasing and absorving subs way better.