Fidelity, honoring myself and expressing the truth

“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.” -Thomas Paine

I wanted to jump in to the cool custom sub naming because I feel like having strong symbolism for something is like an anchor for the subconscious and helps solidify a goal more. So my custom will be named Fidelity.

Anyway this custom is about taking who I am and building that up. Not doing a complete 180 and trying to transform myself into a completely different individual. It’s about recognizing my strengths and my weaknesses, but above all understanding as an individual the only things I need to change or improve are the things that directly contribute to my own happiness. I gave it a lot of thought and it is a bit broad in its scope, but I plan to run it for the long term. I determined that a lot of the stuff I wanted to improve all had some interconnections between them. Breaking it up into stages or separate subs just didn’t feel right to me. So this custom is basically an expression of my internal vision of what I feel is right for me. Not too grand in its scale, but at the same time it will be a challenge and push me to grow. But it’s growth I’ll be aligned with. So I’ll outline it a bit to show my thought process for the module selection.

Ultimate Artist Q Core
Ascended Mogul Q Core

Support Modules
Blue Skies
Negative Energy Transmutation
Inner Voice

Result Enhancement
Joie de Virve
Current Invoker
The Merger Of Worlds

Core enhancers
Ultimate Music Producer
Sexiness Unbound

So first off is the main cores. Self explanatory. Ultimate Artist Q because I’ve always ran that and it’s my most important goal for me. Ascended Mogul to help me financially and navigating the world in a way where it doesn’t feel like I’m at the mercy of it and scrambling to keep myself afloat. But also not just ending up in some job where it’s “safe” and I make enough money but my power and autonomy over my own life seems gone. And also really building up my foundation for myself so I’m strong.

Support modules. First we have for healing Blue Skies. I decided this time around only one healing/aura/energy one. I’m sure Blue Skies is more than enough and I’ve appreciated this module. Negative energy transmutation, invaluable. I’ve already established in my life that I am unconsciously effected by negative energy. Anything that eliminates the outside messing with my inside is a great asset. Inner voice because I realized my internal dialogue with myself is terrible. And even if I do all the healing in the world if that part keeps tearing me down I won’t grow. So the focus this time around was to heal, but have backup to support me that wouldn’t cost more energy or put me too deep in reconciliation.

Result enhancers. Joie de Virve, such a simple thing but very important to impress this on the subconscious. It’s easy to lose sight of what life should really be about at times. Current invoker, I’ve always enjoyed this one so kept it. Riding the waves of reality is highly appealing to me. Omnidimensional, just general sub enhancement. Unlimiter, this one is self explanatory but it’s always good to question all self imposed limitations. Merger of Worlds, having a stronger bridge to the subconscious and conscious is so important. This one is essential to me, it’s the difference between feeling like you’re battling with the subconscious vs understanding on an intuitive level.

Core enhancers. Ultimate Music Producer, this one is a given and I’ve enjoyed it immensely with my other custom I built. Rogue, I’ve felt this one and not giving a shit is such a powerful thing. When you start acting in ways that might cause offense because you stop caring it teaches you a lot about how people pleasing behavior works. Sexiness unbound, this one is for the sexual hangups mostly and general acceptance of my own sexuality to become more comfortable in it. Temptation, this one I put in here because honestly I just want it. I want to experience it and i want to enjoy it. Maybe there’s a little validation in there but fuck it I’m human.

I think my mistake with my first custom was I built it like “this is it, the end all be all”. So I threw in too much. I don’t know how long I’ll be on this one, but once I grow from it I’m sure I’ll be building another custom to reach even higher with my goals. But as of right now setting attainable ones and every time I run the sub I FEEL it’s possible is the most important thing for me right now.

I have a good feeling about this one.


Been trying to finish this track for a while now but decided to just let it go. It’s reached that point where my energy is better spent on new ideas vs trying to refine it exactly to my vision.

Started with me messing around with creating a grime beat and then just grew into something else. I kinda just let loose on this one and did whatever. Just got more aggressive with it and experimental, just played it in on my keyboard without worrying about stuff like “is this too many notes or is this busy?” Overall I like the energy of this track, it’s more aggressive than what I usually make but I’m glad I was able to channel that kind of energy into it.

Taking an extended break until this custom is ready to go. Past two nights have been weird. I get this anxiety while fully relaxing in bed and the more I relax into it the more intense it gets. I can tell it’s not past emotions. It’s like an internal build up of pressure inside me and it comes in waves. It hits heavy, then fades and I feel good, then comes back. It feels like the inside of me is being realized externally if that makes any sense. Might be aura related stuff. It’s weird because it feels like a part of me is fighting to keep this part suppressed. But this suppressed part is more raw in energy, like I perceive it as dangerous but that’s because it pushes so far outside of my comfort zone and it’s going to challenge people.

Now I’ve been off my previous custom for a week once before and never got this. I don’t know if it’s possible if my new custom is already hitting me without even listening. I know I put omnidimensional in it, which has to deal with quantum level stuff. Just feeling a different “flavor” so to speak with what’s been effecting me these past two days.

Ran ElixirU last night. Got pretty heavy. Had to go to sleep early and then I had nightmares all night. One of them I was dead and didn’t know it. I lived in a world with other dead people that looked normal, but it was like a mirror image of the living world. Bizarre.

Anyway that was that. Still waiting on the custom, but noticing I’m feeling a lot more aggressive lately. I think one day I’ll return to starkQ. But for now I have to focus on the really core stuff with AM. I’ve never had a solid foundation, it’s always been shaky. So going back to the fundamentals was the best approach for me.

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Don’t know what it is but every track I “finish” never feels finished and I feel guilty. Every single one I feel like I didn’t try hard enough or do enough. It’s one thing to be conscious of where you need to grow, it’s a whole other issue when it causes anxiety. I’m trying to both enjoy the process of writing music and be mindful of improvements that can be made.

I know this is what really slows me down. Realistically I don’t have anymore ideas for the track and I’m better off marking it complete and moving on. Otherwise I go back in and start changing things that don’t need changing and adding stuff that doesn’t need adding.

Most of all I hate listening back to a track and thinking of it as some kind of fluke. I don’t know why but even when something comes out good I have doubts it was actually me.

I finished another track that was in my backlog and I hear the progress, but it doesn’t feel real. Might be heavy reconciliation if I made some big leaps in my songwriting

In any case I think inner voice will help with this a lot.

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Got my custom yesterday, so it begins.

So one thing I want for myself is to be self sufficient regardless of the circumstances. I’ve realized that I work within a very narrow range of environments I can tolerate. It puts me in a tough situation because it makes things harder in life than they need to be for me. I would love to just say fuck it and have music be the only thing in my life. But not being able to function in any other environment? That’s really risky.

So that’s really my biggest dilemma at the moment. I can’t have all my eggs in one basket. At the same time I can’t plan for failure. What I mean by that is get sucked back into the limiting way of living in the world based on fear. The main goal is music, always has been ever since I started this journey. But figuring out what to do to support that goal has been tricky. And I’ve had nobody to lean on in my life for this stuff, I went from being open about it to keeping it a secret because I quickly learned how much people will try to persuade you out of it and have you questioning your own beliefs.

I feel like the best thing I can do is build connections with fellow artists of all types. Any type of creative person who lives in a reality that isn’t all 9-5 and office jobs like what’s been burned into my brain for the past few years. But I have to work on myself enough to allow those relationships into my life without destroying them out of fear. I just don’t want that and I’m sick of hearing from people to get used to it. I can’t. I’ve known this for years, I dreaded these types of jobs even when I was 14 years old. I dreaded becoming like the people around me who were always worn out, frustrated, struggling, yet not doing anything to change their circumstances. That’s no way to live and the fact that it’s carried on like a trauma from person to person as they convince themselves that’s what life is is immensely depressing. Worse yet are the people that accuse me of being immature because I don’t want to buy into this indoctrination. You can’t present me with a shitty proposition and give no alternative, of course I’m not gonna take it regardless of how it makes me look as a person. And then there’s people who shame you for wanting something better. Like just because you have a roof over your head, a job, and food on your plate you’re greedy for wanting something more and you should be perfectly content with what you have. Businesses love to do this, “you should be grateful you have a job with us right now” fuck off.

There’s really no solid insight in this journal post. But it serves as a reminder of where my head’s at right now. I’m dealing with a transition out of a very perpetual mentality that’s made me deeply unhappy but I went with it anyway because I was told to. There’s a lot of fear, safety, self worth, guilt, shame, etc. tied up in all of it. I know I’m not happy because this isn’t a life I’ve built for myself. It’s something that got pushed on me. From who specifically? Nobody in particular, it just rubbed off on me. But people act like if you deviate from these paths you’ll die.

Like I said with this my choice for this custom. Fundamentals. I have to rebuild my foundation so I can deal with the bs that’s inevitably going to be thrown my way.


Speaking of building foundations. As I was working on a track today I realized I don’t have a strong foundation in track structure. I kind of just wing it, but the problem is when there’s no structure setup it can feel anxiety provoking because it’s just a blank timeline filled with nothing.

These are the small things that make the music making process more difficult than it needs to be. I’ve been trying to be more aware of when I get tense when working and it’s a lot. Gonna be a hard habit to break.

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This new track I’m working on is coming out pretty good. Started as a joke idea but is surprisingly cohesive. Still have a shit ton of difficulty finishing and writing it though. I’ve been trying really hard to push through and get things done and it is causing a lot of stress.

I just can’t approach projects without massive anxiety. New ones, one’s I’m halfway through, ones I’m almost at the finish line with, etc. And pushing past that anxiety isn’t good. I ended up with a migraine yesterday because I went too far.

My biggest issue is I can’t break things into pieces or plan when I’m writing. It all seems to be too much at once for my head. I’ve got the visual (how many tracks do I have? Is that enough? Are they too symmetrical? Too repetitive?), auditory (should that chord progression change? Should I put variation in that melody? Should the drums pick up pace here?), and then just general negative thinking (It’s too simple, you’re being lazy by repeating this section, you’re ignoring this section because it’s too difficult to figure out, etc.) Except these are ALL at once in a huge wrecking ball of anxiety that I can’t pick apart or break down to quell the anxiety short of closing down my DAW or procrastinating. And it fucking sucks because I just want to write music and it stresses me out.

This is not a new feeling for me. I’ve had this ever since I started with my first DAW. I clearly remember getting a midi keyboard and being excited to not have to click in notes and felt it would open a whole new world for me. But I’d find myself in my room, my midi keyboard sitting there, unable to bring myself to sit down at my computer to make music because I felt so anxious. Then feeling like shit because I spent money on something I wasn’t even using. Sort of similar concept now, but I feel bad that I have all this time I don’t actively utilize.

I don’t know how anyone else does it. There’s no way they deal with this level of anxiety and write anyway because it’s physically debilitating. You can’t just push past it because it takes a massive toll on your mental and physical health.

I haven’t composed anything in months.

I think it’s that my bandwidth and creative energy are wrapped up and absorbed into the intentions and manifestations that I’m cultivating right now. Was just realizing that yesterday.

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Well, you can pat yourself on the back, man. As tough as your process is, there are lots of people who use problematic or even dangerously self-destructive means just to give themselves permission to create.

And that’s true.

I feel like it’s not necessarily about pushing past it. Sometimes it’s like tv when you change the channel or hit the mute button. The show is still going on, you’re just not watching it right now. You don’t have to beat it or destroy it. Sometimes it’s possible to focus past it.

and never forget the profound spiritual force of ‘aaah, fuck it’. AFI. It has defeated many great monsters. ‘Fuck it, let’s just go ahead anyway.’

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It’s definitely my main focus, as shown by my custom choice lol. So 100% of my energy is going into that. I can’t actually stay away from music. If I wasn’t composing or working on something I’d feel lost. That’s how important a role it plays in my life.

Speaking honestly it’s crossed my mind to drink just so I can get out of my own head and compose. But I know that’s a slippery slope. I kinda understand how so many musicians end up self destructive, as cliche as it is. There’s a lot of pressure you can put yourself under and not realize it.

Yeah you’re right though about changing focus. I guess because a big ass blank project is always staring me in the face it’s hard to not focus on that. And I think part of the issue for me is I’ve started and not followed through on so many projects. When I start a new one I just really want to get it done so it doesn’t end up in that song graveyard. Because as much as I tell myself it’s ok if I don’t finish stuff, that the right stuff will finish itself, it never happens. Without willful effort on my part and trying to break this cycle it doesn’t happen.

But lately I’m seeing I’m not doing anything “wrong”. Well to most outsiders it would seem like it. But I’m doing my best within the means of what I’m capable of. A lot of that has to do with coming to terms with the difficulties ADHD brings. Which while hard to deal with, a lot of that has more to do with how hard on myself I am for not just being able to “do stuff” like every day people. If this was truly just a matter of subconscious blockages or negative beliefs about myself, I feel like in my past 10 years of focused healing and growth I would have made some kind of progress. As a person I have grown, immeasurably. But there’s still an underlying dysfunction there which, until recently, I discovered actually had a name for it. I know I can succeed despite this, but it’s been the invisible saboteur for a lot of my life.

I know Blue Skies has been helping with this. Loving myself despite the perceived failures in my life and constantly feeling like I’m less than everyone else. A lot of that self love was not a habit for me or natural in anyway because all my life I’ve been an outsider and assumed I’m the one at fault. So why should I love myself? I’m clearly not good enough. But those are the past thoughts and I recognize them for what they are, just a human being struggling that needs more compassion.

Sorry got carried away. Sometimes I start typing and everything just flows out at once.

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Important reminder to myself. Just because something is easy doesn’t mean it’s less valuable or wrong. This mostly applies to my music. I constantly overthink stuff in my songs because it’s too simple or came to me with ease.

What you want vs what you actually subconsciously feel about wanting that thing. I’m learning more why my initial custom was so heavy to process for me. This one is not without its challenges, but I can manage it better and help break things down.

So that being said. I really thought about how I feel about my music, sharing it, other people enjoying it, making money off of it and being able to live on it, stuff like that. What I realized was even before I could get on the path to those things, I had an immediate resistance to the idea. So what that tells me is there are some very hard ceilings I’ve put in place for myself that I need to tear down. Otherwise my efforts will be met with frustration as I fight to not make that happen subconsciously. It is a very odd feeling to want something and simultaneously not want it at the same time.

So more and more I’m realizing it’s not a question of “is this possible?”. But rather what’s holding me back from fully accepting that type of life?

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Just gonna write short bursts of thoughts as they occur to me to keep the momentum rolling.

If you’re ambitious in life there’s a 90% chance most people won’t support those ideas or will actively try to persuade you not to do it. But if you listen to them you won’t be living a life in alignment with yourself. My mistake is and always has been assuming everyone knows more than me and what’s best. It’s all just an illusion. People think they know, I’ve learned it’s the people the most ignorant who are the most outspoken.

I’m currently living in a bubble not of my own design and I feel like I’m ready to start moving beyond it now. I do get a little pissed when it feels like I’m being shoved along by some invisible force. I think I just have to leave NY to be honest. Unless you’re living it up here making a good chunk of money it feels like everyone is just on this treadmill of needing to work a job they don’t want to cover the expense of the cost of living. Not NYC mind you, but NY state. But I live about an hour out from it so I’m still in that bubble if that makes any sense. Some people might like NY but there’s nothing here for me except my friends.

Interesting. I’m listening to my older tracks on my soundcloud and not feeling as terrible about them. They aren’t great by any means, but they carry memories and feelings from points in my life and emotions I wanted to explore. I know how much work I put into them and how much I cared. Even if other people don’t like it or think it’s crap that doesn’t change my relationship with them.

Definitely feels like blue skies is helping out here. I will always be intertwined with my music. I used to try to destroy that tie because I felt it was a weakness that me and my music felt one and the same. But I’m realizing now the real weakness was allowing the outside opinions of others to ruin the inherent bond I have with my creations. That’s not an excuse to say good enough and stop improving, but it does mean to stop being so harsh on myself in an effort to grow. Putting down my own work will do nothing to help me grow.

I see there was something in these songs. Parts of me being expressed I know I can tap into again. But also my deep insecurities regarding these also locked it away.

I don’t know how to explain it but each successive song I created and beat myself up over almost fractured a small piece of myself and froze it in some creative limbo inside my own mind. The further out I got, the harder it became to let anything flow and express itself. Pretty soon my prime motivation was to not make crap and get approval from others, but it felt very hollow and anxiety inducing.

Believing my music has potential to allow me to live the creative life I want has more to do with belief in myself first.

Alright I’m hitting a low right now and don’t know what to do. I spent the past two days working non-stop on music after drinking coffee. In the moment I’m enjoying it and I’ve been learning how to execute quite a few things I was stuck on. I was proud of myself and how much progress I was making.

But when I take a break or realize it’s back to reality, I get this feeling like I don’t know what the hell to do. Music fills me with so much inner fulfillment, but everything I do in my job right now I just feel like shit. I’m just fucking tired of it all, I never go to work and feel on top of anything. It just feels like a never-ending grind. And I’m sick of having this feeling like music is a waste of time or not valuable. I readily acknowledge I’m not a very put together person, my ability to prioritize and choose what’s important can be really crappy at times. So when I put hours into my music vs working on a resume or job searching I feel incompetent. I knew the coffee was a bad idea, I’m crashing hard from it.

I can’t sit here and get philosophical about this. But honestly sometimes I think to myself, what if I died in a week? I’m sure I wouldn’t look back on tweaking my resume and going on a job search for something I probably don’t even want and find it important.

I mean where’s the line between dysfunction and basically just giving society the finger and doing what you want? I keep beating myself up for my perceived lack of discipline with regards to everything in life. But what if that’s just me? What if this agitation and anxiety is just due to trying to fit in like how everyone else lives and it doesn’t work for me? It’s really their problem, not mine. But I’m made to feel like I’m the actual problem that needs fixing. And since there’s nothing to be fixed I’ve just been essentially gaslighting myself over the years.

Seriously, just fuck everyone that expects others to fall in line and do things just how they do it. I hate that shit with a passion. Tunnel visioned, inflexible, arrogant assholes of the world.

The only law of nature is ‘It’s Got To (at least temporarily) Work’.

As long as something works, it can stick around; you can be an octopus, a rabbit, a tree, or a freaking investment banker. Nature’ll be like, ‘sure, looks good to me’. haha.

Then after something doesn’t work anymore, it dissolves and gets reabsorbed, and the parts that made it get reallocated to something else that works.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Life in the Cosmos is a trip.

Hang in there, bruh. You’ve got your own story to tell.

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Thanks man. Keeping in mind the big picture and the scale of my place and others in this universe does take the pressure off. I’m a tiny energetic spec in an ocean of energy.

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Gradually learning to not overextend myself at my job. Stuff has been piling up more but I’m not afraid of being fired or whatever. That’s all it was, was fear. What if they think I’m a bad worker? Lazy? Slacker? Incompetent? Etc. I’m not gonna let those fears cause me to run myself into the ground.

It’s an adjustment. I have to remember to breathe, relax my body, stop overdoing it. Am I as productive? Not really. I’ve actually realized how far I go every day, too far actually. And I’ve got my struggles that make every day living difficult for me, so it doesn’t make sense to hold myself to the same standard of everyone around me. I have to look out for myself.

Jobs can suck, but they suck more if you don’t care for yourself and learn to say no.

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One thing I still have a lot of trouble with. When things are going good they’re good. When I encounter difficulties with something my mood plummets. Perfect example I’ve been working on this new track for a bit, it was supposed to be a joke but then it started to sound good. So I invested more time into it. But then the finished product wasn’t as great as I felt when I listened to it the first time. Then from there I just spiral out into a whole bunch of other stuff. Like pouring so much time into my music but it’s still really fucking difficult to just sit down and finish anything. How I try my hardest to make sure I put attention to detail in it and variations, but I inevitably end up make stuff that sounds repetitive. How I’m never going to reach a point where I get faster at this or more consistent. How I’m never going to be able to express what I really want through my music. Just a whole bunch of stuff that gets me down.

Inevitably this leaks over into other parts of my life. My performance at my job suffers because I just get filled with so much apathy. I think it’s less that my mood was disrupted and more that music has been such an anchor in my life for allowing me to feel ok. When I run into obstacles with that, it’s like my tolerance for the day to day stuff I drag myself through is gone.

I guess that’s its own eye opening discovery for me. It’s great that I have it as an anchor. But if everything else in my life feels that unstable or not worthwhile there’s some changes that have to be made there. I’ve already decided I have to leave NY. I gain nothing from being here and all I ever do is worry about financial security because everything is so damn expensive. As a result of that I’m more likely to put up with jobs that suck, with people that suck, just for security and that’s a terrible way to live for me. I’m not skilled, I’m not highly sought after, I’m not the type of person that thrives in NY. So I’ve started looking into other places I could live and what kind of job opportunities are there. That alone is progress for me, a few months ago the idea of leaving NY terrified me just because leaving the place I grew up in was a massive change. But I see it’s not good for me and I can’t build the life I want here.

With the ADHD thing. After all the hoops I had to jump through I got sufficiently burned out and depressed it was that difficult. But I’m going to keep trying to find someone that can help me.

Today was pretty bad. I was thinking about calling it quits with all this subliminal stuff. I didn’t feel like trying anymore. But I took that as a sign that I have to take care of myself better. You try to change enough times in your life and just keep coming up short and it’s hard not to take that as being a failure.

Debating if I should move up to two loops or not. I can’t tell if I’m feeling this way because of not enough exposure or the 1 loop is enough and I’m just working through a lot.