Basically been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately so all my subs are down to 30s only now. I don’t push it anymore, when I can handle more that’s when I’ll up the exposure. For now it feels like 30s is my sweet spot for navigating a lot of repressed stuff coming up and also working on living life to the fullest.
I’ve heard people say stuff is life changing. Just beyond subliminals in general, but I never understood it. Now I do. I have had more growth for myself in the past month than I’ve had the past few years. And it’s all because I stopped fighting myself and listened to what I really wanted.
I’m still very much stabilizing myself after the internal trials I’ve been going through and facing my fears. It’s been some of the hardest internal work I’ve done. The crazy thing is, everyone in my life I care about supports me. All that bad shit, all the judgement, all the fear, just me all projected outward. Nobody but me was that critical, that dismissive, that uncaring, that unloving. It’s really opened my eyes to what life can actually be for yourself.
Some cool LB getting stuff for free experience. I was at my uncle’s house the other day and we were talking music. He said he didn’t use his Proteus 2 orchestral rompler anymore and I could have it. Another sweet piece of gear for my collection.
Confirmed LB gives me more recon than Phoenix. Which is kind of wild given how intense the description for Phoenix is.
Trying to figure out the best way forward. I’m only running 30s. Wonder if I have to go down to once a week. I listened yesterday before work, BIG mistake. I ended up in this halfway state where I was deep in my emotions but had work to do. I just couldn’t focus on what I needed to do because so much of my life was being questioned. The irony here is focusing on self love probably should have made me prioritize my own needs over being productive at work, but it seems like it just triggered insecurities in me.
Ok maybe just one day at a time. I probably shouldn’t have ran Phoenix yesterday either… Need to stop pushing myself to run subs on a schedule. Been going through a lot lately and I didn’t factor that in enough when I ran this stuff yesterday. Lesson learned.
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I had the same problem while running Love Bomb last month, felt more unloved and needy. Got a ‘breakthrough’ during washout which raised my self-esteem but in a kinda dark way.
On hindsight LB may have clashed with my particular circumstances though, not trying to discourage. I think a few people here are also experiencing strong recon on LB.
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Yup. I know it’s good for me, just gotta figure out how to give myself small doses of it and adjust. It’s very in line with attachment issues. Pushing more love inwards isn’t the answer because it makes me run the other way. So I guess this is turning into exposure therapy, introducing some love, facing the fears, and going from there.
I will say though with NSE I got an abundance of love shown to me these past few weeks that made it easier to digest than giving it to myself directly. Still difficult at times, but much easier to take in.
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Well things haven’t gone how I expected them to go, but that’s life right? I’m trying to take back some semblance of control after the difficulties I’ve faced.
I’m about a week in on HRT and I’ve never felt my head more clear. Along with that clarity is realizing just how much I suppressed discomfort over the years. I’m learning a looooooot about myself.
I’m on HOT long term that’s a definite. I’m hoping that combined with the hormones will get me to a place where I can feel comfortable in my own skin. So far I’ve noticed the next day after I run HOT I’m able to like my appearance a lot more and I feel more feminine.
But I’m definitely still fighting an internal battle between who I was and who I want to be. I know I’m making progress though. I read the sales page again for HOT and I didn’t feel like a guy trying to become a woman. I felt like a woman embracing her beauty and working to achieve it. I just so happen to have a more difficult starting point.
This part in particular applies to me
Experience a deeper understanding of beauty – pursuit of beauty being a transformative journey towards self-discovery, acceptance, and love, rather than a quest fueled by vanity.
I’ve already noticed after unearthing all my repressed dysphoria, finding myself becoming increasingly obsessed with my end goal or some idealized beauty. But really there’s so much more on this journey than my external appearance. Having a unique beauty that’s a pure expression of myself is definitely something that resonates deep in my mind. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something in my life more.
Glad I finally took these steps for myself.
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Do you have any theories or ideas as to why when you were listening to healing programs gender concerns may not have presented?
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So interestingly enough they did. But I shoved them back down a lot or thought if I practiced allowing it to be there it would go away. I saw them as this fleeting thing vs an expression of something that needed to be explored. I think that’s why I had a long stretch of time I was adamant about not running healing titles and just focusing on strong archetype subs like WB. I knew there was something there I was terrified of unpacking. I knew with how advanced ZP subs got it would drag up all of it. I got really good at compartmentalizing things and this was always something to be managed vs allowed.
I’ve been meaning to go back to my journals over the years, but it’s kind of painful looking back on those. I think one day in the future when I’m feeling more mentally strong I’ll review for hints of it coming to the surface. I know I had referenced numerous times being afraid of people knowing “the real me”. At the time I thought it was only this more emotionally vulnerable side, didn’t realize how deep it went.
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@RVconsultant Thanks for mentioning that. It sparked some more introspection and I’m realizing I still haven’t fully let go of that compartmentalizing.
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I’m still really afraid. But I’m taking everything one day at a time.
Phoenix is helping me resurface long lost painful memories then using those as validation and fuel to give myself what I couldn’t over the years. Yes it hurts, but that’s even more reason to give myself only the best now. But I don’t want to dwell on what I missed out on or years lost because I know I can’t change that. All I can change is in the present.
I feel like I’m starting to outgrow my job. Not professionally, but spiritually. I can’t summon the motivation to venture further into learning more about my field. I think I’ve got some decent skills in my back pocket and I’m at a point where I think to myself, maybe this is enough. Can I use these skills to give myself enough money to survive? Yes. Ok then that’s all you need to do. You don’t owe this industry, jobs, or anyone else for that matter the expectation to keep climbing some ladder.
With a lot of everything happening recently I’ve been feeling more true to myself. I’m realizing how much I’ve let everyone’s expectations of who I should be interfere with my own feelings on what I want. I just want to be in control of my life and lead based on ME, not whatever anxieties or limiting beliefs were instilled in my head.
Got some gas this morning. Had a few people just looking at me. I think I’m moving into androgynous territory maybe or maybe my more subconscious behavior is not in alignment with my physical appearance. In any case my anxiety is wayyyyyyy down, for a lot of my life I had to consciously suppress my more fem behavior. Feels good to not have to do that anymore. Still find myself thinking I shouldn’t do something that comes naturally to me, it’s been kinda rough. But I look in the mirror now and I can’t even see myself as a guy. I mean physically I am very much looking like a guy, but mentally it no longer makes sense. Which is a win for me because that means I’m opening up to my deeper repressed feelings. I know it’s gonna be a long journey for me, but I’ve got some light at the end of the tunnel for once in my life.
I’m not gonna lie, I have difficulties reading other journals here sometimes. I tried to shove myself into a role for years and used all manner of alpha male subs to do it. It’s gonna take me a while to deconstruct that natural aversion I’ve experienced. I know feeling masculine and self assured in that is a very rewarding experience for some guys. But it’s been a very painful thing in my life to subject myself to. Can’t even go into the WB thread discussion these days, that sub was the last masculine focused sub I ran before i finally threw in the towel and quit lying to myself.
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I re-read this journal so far and I see a lot of growth in myself and I’m happy. It gets hard sometimes and I know these things can take time.
One thing I’m letting go of more is this shameful feeling of needing to explain who I am. All the doubts and trying to analyze things to death is because deep down I have trouble saying “this is me and I love who I am” . Love bomb has definitely been hitting hard there.
Along with that I’ve been trying to engage in more self care. Doing things that genuinely make me feel good. I’m only two weeks into HRT, but when everything started really unraveling I got scared. I felt like I needed to be perfect and totally passable as a woman and if I wasn’t doing something every day I was failing. That was a reflection of my own lack of self love combined with the imagined judgements of other people influencing my own happiness. This transition is for me and me alone, to let myself feel better, to experience more happiness, not to appease someone on the outside who will judge me solely on my appearance. As long as I’m a slave to their perception I’ll never be free and I don’t need that weighing me down in my life on the journey to expressing my authentic self.
Coming up on a five day break soon for the subs. I’ve decided I’m going to pair Phoenix and HOT together and leave LB on a separate day. I just cannot handle Phoenix and LB on the same day. I think I’ve been causing a lot more recon for myself by forcing myself to have those forced in together.
One thing I’ve realized these past few weeks. The greatest act of self care I ever gave myself was getting myself on HRT. But I started falling into this trap of denying myself self love and acceptance until I liked what I saw in the mirror. That was hurting me, I need to love myself in all stages of this process because it is difficult and I need it the most now. I can’t make my body change overnight, I can’t erase years of conditioned behavior in one snap, and that’s ok. The only one that’s been putting that kind of pressure on myself is myself, so I don’t have to do that. I’m embracing all that HOT has to offer but I’m also understanding the physical is only 10% of it. You can be the most attractive person in the world, but if you don’t love yourself you’ll always find a flaw to pick apart in yourself. I try to catch myself when I start going down the road of “when I look better” because it’s important to love me now.
I’m discovering myself fully for the first time in my life without holding things back. It’s been the most emotionally cathartic thing I’ve ever experienced, but it really makes me realize how much I don’t know about myself.
For my act of self care this week, after the rollercoaster of emotions I went through, I booked a consultation at a salon near me to get my hair sorted. It went great, best I’ve felt about myself in a while. I’m gonna be getting it cut and styled next weekend. Super excited. At first i was like, maybe i should get it styled in a way where I can still have it be more masculine. But I was like nah, lets just commit to what I really want.
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I had an impromptu mirror pep talk. 10/10 would recommend people do this. I’ve always hated mirrors, but I looked at myself and talked to myself from a deeper level beyond my physical appearance. I talked to all my parts, I forgave myself, I validated how well I did given my circumstances, I allowed myself to feel let down by my parents who couldn’t provide a safe enough environment for me to explore myself, I did not fail, others failed me.
I stood there dissecting my limitations. How very often I accept the worst, mediocre, or uninspiring circumstances for life. I expect misery, I don’t expect good things, I prepare for the worst. How much psychic energy goes into formulating life scenarios that aren’t even reality yet. It’s like trying to beat those fears to the punch by almost willing them into existence.
As I went deeper I realized that, yes despite my circumstances I’ve learned to love myself better. But it’s not about loving myself to tolerate my current life or as a band aid. Love is there to give myself support in my current state so I can move up to the next level. The greatest display of love for myself would be giving myself what I want without limitations.
Right now that’s to live fully as myself, with the body and identity I feel most comfortable in. I reject that this is permanent, that I can’t do anything to change this body or I’m locked in to certain physical characteristics. I told myself I will have something that fulfills me on a deep level and I won’t settle, I don’t have to settle. I hold the intent in my head and understand that everything as it exists now is transient in nature and is not the ultimate truth. I will remind myself of this every day when I get discouraged, that discouragement is an attachment to a limiting reality that I need to let go of and stop getting sucked into.
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Ok I’ve decided. LB long term in my stack until I see manifestation in my life confirming that I’m receptive to good things. That can be small signs like more increases in financial abundance, better relationships, better physical health, receiving complements, more joy in general. My plan is to not jump to any other subs until I can say with complete honesty I love myself and deserve great things in my life. Even if those other subs do amazing things, I’m making things more difficult for myself if I have to fight to allow those changes into my life vs letting them.
But I know when renaissance man vibes is dropped, that’s my calling. I hope by that time the gates of my mind are open enough to be more direct with taking action.
I’ve been really seeing awesome growth on my stack so maybe I’ll just have to rotate down the line. Phoenix and LB, though super heavy, have been a really good combo for busting up limits. What I noticed most of all is the limiting beliefs around love. More self love will make me complacent, lazy, self indulgent, delusional, full of myself, egotistical,etc. The list goes on. I know this isn’t true and really the only way to shatter those beliefs is to do it. Just love myself more and see what happens. Challenge those fears of self love.
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We all owe it to ourselves to tell expectations to fuck off and follow our path of happiness and fulfillment in our lives. I’ve always considered myself a free thinker, but emotionally I’m tethered to the ground and my wings clipped. With every realization of my true power and strength comes the sadness and grieving of years of pain and detachment from life. I welcome both of these, one doesn’t have to outweigh the other. I don’t have to see a silver lining in that pain but I also don’t have to dwell in it. Those things did not make me stronger. They did not build me into who I am today, they were an unfortunate obstacle. I won’t hold onto them as some cope to feel better about myself, I’ll dive further into the emotions behind them and face the truth of what my life experience has been up to this point. We all have our paths but I know this is what will allow me to let go and be free of it.
Lost time, lost opportunities, lost connections. It’s all a painful thing. Not something that can be easily dismissed. And I think that’s ok. I can use this emotional energy and channel it into the thing I love, my music.
People pleasing. Absolutely painful experience to go through in life. On one hand you compromise yourself on the other you’ll have people criticize you for being a people pleaser. I don’t care what anybody says people pleasing is rooted in childhood wounds, it goes deep, it ties in with survival. It’s not as easy as saying I’m not going to do this anymore.
A lot of my own people pleasing has hurt me on such a profound level. Always being what everyone else wanted me to be.
Still on my 5 day break and I guess Phoenix is going deeper. There’s a deep discomfort that my life hasn’t been my own, but I’m changing that now. I can’t keep being so deeply impacted by the opinions and judgement of others, I just can’t. The worst part is sometimes I don’t even realize until after the fact and that sucks.
But at least now I’m not pushing judgement on myself for the people pleasing. I see the pain and difficulty and that’s what I’m looking to heal. To live a better life.
Sometimes, I question how things happen.
I was giving my hair a quick rinse this morning and accidentally stepped in my tub with my glasses on. So I put them on the ground outside the tub which was a mistake. Despite telling myself DO NOT step on these, that’s exactly what i did. And the funny thing is I’ve been thinking about getting new glasses because I don’t like the frames on these. I have a backup pair I’m using, but now I’m kinda forced to get my new ones cuz these backup pair are years old.
I think my subconscious wanted change and I was dragging on it so it accelerated things lol. Fun stuff.
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I think HOT is working. It’s hard to say. I started running it before I shaved my beard off. And the lack of facial hair does A LOT for gender presentation. I’m mainly looking for structural change in the face because that’s the part of me that makes me the most dysphoric. There are other aspects to my upper body I’m still figuring out. What’s interesting is that I like having muscle, nothing crazy or huge, just fit. But for years I thought that meant I liked having a male body. It got confusing very fast.
Having said that back when I was running WB I took a lot of selfies to track my progress. Face was definitely more angular, slightly more elongated and sharp. Very much more masculine looking. What surprised me the most looking at those pictures was how deeply uncomfortable it made me feel. Like the best way I can describe it wanting to just rip my whole face off. It’s wild that’s what I’ve lived with for so many years, no wonder I was tired all the time.
But for HOT. My face seems to be rounder. Overall just softer in appearance. There’s much more light in my eyes. Past pictures of me looks like I was dead inside. My hair has been healthier and compliments my face more with waviness. Overall I just see the pics and I feel like there’s an aura of feminity that wasn’t there before.
I still have a long way to go. But I can see progress and it makes me happy. Just knowing that it’s ok to take this path and choose the correct appearance for myself. Let me tell ya before being able to fully accept I was transgender I went through a laundry list of stuff. Was it a need to balance feminine and masculine energy more?, was it trauma that made me want to escape being male?, was it a past life lesson I had to learn in this lifetime?, was it a form of OCD? I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what drove all this. The thing though is that obsessive thinking and trying to figure out was a result of the mismatch and not the cause. Transitioning is not easy and it’s scary, my mind was trying to get me out of that danger in any way it could.
This is also probably Phoenix, but I was talking with my older brother and he unearthed a repressed memory. My first experience with a transgender person was this trans woman my dad was renting to in a property he had and offering a lower rate because she was having a hard time. But when my mom explained the situation to me and my brothers as kids she jokingly referred to her as “it”. When this trans woman had trouble paying (this was in the 90s, very little consideration was given to trans individuals and it must have been hard) my dad went from nice and considerate to treating her like crap and judging her life decision to transition much later in life. So it’s kind of made sense why this was so taboo in my own head and why I never felt safe to explore it as a child.
Are you able to use a computer program to compare how your face is changing, such as proportions, symmetry, etc.?
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