Dang @Simon, forgot some of the changes. I need to get back on EoG soon!
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As days have passed, I’m feeling better inside myself about moving forward, and I’ve been thinking about those very things. Life is unfulfilling, with money or without, if I’m not active in the community sharing myself and who I am. Right here I just realized another very real reason I could fail–and it’s that I would hide with my wealth, cutting off everyone.
Years back (maybe 5), I looked at wealth for that very reason. It’d give me reason and ways to hide in my house, stay “safe” by avoiding others, and just be alone. In trauma survival mode, that thinking makes some sense. I’m not there, primarily due to my use of subliminals, as it was on my mnd daily. Healing subliminals aren’t sexy, no. But when one is edified daily, mindset changes do happen. My assumption is that EOG has no trauma clearing scripting. I may be wrong, and I’d love to know. For me, most of my wealth barriers had small connections to traumas, and thinking about a wealthy lifestyle had me imagining traumatic events–and sometimes past traumas. I’m not fully imagining a wealthy lifestyle today, as these very connections were on my mind today. I had EOG on solo most of the day, and I was in some financially stable neighborhoods. However, I felt vulnerable today. Just got home. Gonna shower.
Today’s summary: avoiding the truth of my past makes it stronger. I turned on Regeneration solo driving home, and have it running alone now. It was a long day, and I need rest.
Out for now.
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I need to admit this. Fear is saying “don’t”, but fuck that bastard.
I got stuck working with a guy who’s obviously been traumatized, is a heavy drinker, and nobody likes working with him. Why did he affect me? Because I was raised by a chronically unhappy mom who drank dawn to dusk, continually trying to bury her own traumas. There are a LOT of similarities.
I was not raised with a dad, and numerous times in my life I’ve been around healthy males, and I longed to be young again. I wished I had a dad. I never did. Well, almost. I met my dad when I was in my senior year of high school, and after graduating high school and buying a motorcycle, I drove across the state to visit him. I stayed all summer, fishing with him usually 5 days a week. But I wasn’t happy. I wanted him to fill my needs, take old pains away, you know–be emotionally available. And he wasn’t. He died at 63, but was still stuck at age 13(?), when his own father died. He had to grow up too fast, even joining the Marines and entering WWII underage (15).
I wrestled with this coworker in my head all day–since I knew this routine too well: know he’s not available, wish he was, wish he’d not be so angry and reactive–but still hope for goodness, reaching out again and again too. His angry outbursts slapped me away, with me being angry (silently) all day. And I ruminated on revenge thoughts mostly. Then I’d feel bad, like I’d cut off someone who could have loved me. That’s exactly how my relationship with my mom was. It was an old hopeless “there’s no love here” kind of feeling. I covered it with anger…but sadness popped up a few times today.
I ended up working 12 hours since he wanted to be “super employee” for the boss (which I think he sees as a father figure, no kidding). But after 10 hours, I wanted to cut it short. I allowed shit treatment, and this awakened regret and memories of me failing myself. Fucking trauma wheel spinning! Fuck!
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I was really triggered into old memories and feelings yesterday with the coworker.
I got off the phone 5 minutes ago with my ex since we still do taxes together. Without the full story, I was triggered by her some. But something clicked in me during and after her rant at me. This thought has been growing. Seriously guys, I’m 48, and I’ve never said,
“Who the FUCK are you talking to? I won’t be talked to like that ANYMORE!!”
I’m talking simple standing up for myself. Yesterday with the coworker, I’d mapped out my words, I got in the truck (he was driving), and I imagined saying “I’m really tired. Let’s cut this short so we can go home”, but I listened to his fear-fed spiel and followed his lead. I felt disappointed in myself for not speaking up (thinking about @Michel’s hint to me re: Commander)
Part of me is being led away from guilt feelings I connect with standing up for myself.
I’m not sitting here feeling sorry for me…but I would like my truth to be heard. I’m tired of allowing people to puke on me while not defending myself. This is so f…ing new. Exciting. Embarrassing. But impossible to avoid.
The one question which I’ve always wanted to ask (to a father figure, perhaps) is “How do I DO this??!!”
I’ll know when the time comes. I imagine conversations all the time. I’d just be opening my mouth this time, as I’d already practiced 
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Something which has happened a couple of times today, and a lot this week, is I’m remembering childhood homes, people, schools, churches…a lot of stuff I don’t normally recall.
Not sure what or why it’s important. But all my life, that’s been rare. Something is working, which I can not see, but it’s inviting me to go further. Very mystical talk, I know. But, it’s about me, and I don’t think this has ever happened.
Change is brewing.
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Also, today I read @Simon’s reaction to an old post about using multiple subs simultaneously. His message was SC subliminals are already stacked like that. Multiple cores stacked together require simultaneous messages being played.
And I’d been thinking of Regeneration before my meltdown over the coworker yesterday. I’d removed it from my full-time stack maybe 2 weeks back, and EOG has kept me mentally and emotionally busy. Last night I played Regeneration solo all night. I played it some during the day, but switched to EOG and PCC.
I did something I’ve never done. I played EOG and PCC on VLC, and I put Regeneration on Rocket Player, simultaneously. I was tired a little at first, but nothing noticeable as far as reconciliation. I’m playing 2 sets of VLC on my desktop PC now, and am soaking it in.
Maybe why I thought of telling my ex to fuck off is due to Regeneration?? Maybe. I’m doing well with this setup today, and will report any changes down the line.
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That’s the first step - recognising that you have a right to defend yourself. How will you do it? That angry feeling you now have will intensify until you act on it. Whatever you say out loud doesn’t really matter (at first).
Commander can help, however look into Regeneration long term. Seriously.
If you just stood there and took it, there’s past guilt and shame programming still sabotaging your efforts.
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That’s exactly what I did. I just took it. I’ll be sticking with Regeneration since I’ve had small breakthroughs with it. And truthfully, it’s so subtle that changes are made, and suddenly… a reaction is different. I’m even feeling mushy a bit this morning, so changes are going on.
I’ve woke up with similar thoughts about what I’d do on a lazy Sunday–for years. Something is being changed and challenged in me today. And it feels better (freeing) to allow this. Shame and fear ARE being worked on now.
To further expand my story, PCC is kicking in. 2 shallow dreams this morning had me noticing people’s motives. This is cool. I know guilt and shame have impeded me reading people, but I don’t know why. It’s been like that for many years
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Ok, some observations from today.
First off, I thought of looking at my wealth goals sheet today, 2ce so far, and I realized part of me wished to avoid that. I did look after doing laundry and doing a walk—but even then I was detached. Those are signs of reconciliation. However, Iron Throne is active in my thinking. While sitting here, I just changed from
PCC and Regeneration, in 2 different players simultaneously
to
EOG ST1 and Regeneration, in 2 different players simultaneously.
That same Iron Throne pushed me to go walk a different path an hour ago. Me doing the same old non-productive things frustrated me, so I took a walk around a lot more car traffic. My walk was bold and fast, though I never did this consciously. I’d seen a dad, mom, and grandmother walking my way, I noticed them eyeing me, and they suddenly detoured. When I took a mental picture of how I looked, I was in that IDGAF mentality. I was just going THROUGH, ignoring old guilt norms I’ve often fallen into. Those norms are me feeling and imagining I’m strong, but quickly shutting it down to fall into old “I’m small” kind of ways. Why? So I’d be “nice” 
. But I didn’t change my strut. I just kept walking, and it felt goooood.
A good thing related to change happened 20 minutes ago. I’ve written that my attitude and my expectations towards my daughter have hurt our relationship numerous times in my journals. They are unfair and unhealthy, to say the very least. I’ve not reached out to her in weeks, as my mood has slid between anger and self-pity many times. It’s not her crap; it’s mine. So I’ve avoided stirring that pot since some rapid changes are happening here.
Well, half an hour ago, I texted a non-guilting and non-expecting question. I asked simply “how was your weekend?” She replied in 10 minutes, and I continued the convo for about 10 minutes. I’m not “all better”, but some kind of expectation of her dropped. God answers prayers, as this has been on my mind and heart a number of years now.
I can proudly say “I love subliminals” due to quick changes like that.
Her conversation with me was about her present therapy sessions. She’s never tried subs. She’s only seen my rises and falls. And she’s only seen me, plus she’s only 14.
Note: I first learned of her heightened hearing abilities when I purchased my first ultrasonic sub. She was over here at my place 3 years back, I was running it, and she became insistent that I turn the screeching sound off. I had VLC running a music track, and Media Player running the ultrasonic sub. Not until I turned MP off did she visually show that she was relieved.
However, I’m aware most teenagers grow out of that hearing sensitivity in time. Someday, she may try subs. But that’s just my desire. All I can control is me. I’m listening to EOG and Regeneration now, and that’s changing me. From what I’m learning, that is the best place to start.
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Glad you noticed that. G1 works similarly, which is why having the thinking written down helps. 
(And that is why the Instructions apply to K1, but not to other Stage 1s. Those work differently.)
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Thanks for acknowledging that Simon 
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Feeling a little overwhelmed this morning. I chatted with a rep on my bitcoin exchange, and…explaining it is too much presently. I even butted in once saying “Stop”.
Short story: I asked a specific question. He asked another question which he and I had already spoken about 3 days ago. I’ll stop there. Feeling a little overwhelmed.
Reconciliation. I cut off EOG just now and am still running Regeneration.
Also, I feel like a little more “pushing”, and I’d break down in tears. It’s reconciliation
I shut off Regen too. I need to settle
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Which day is it?
Day 22 or 23.
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I don’t know if reconciliation hit you before but it seems like you got it pretty late in the process (mostly I read people having reconciliation a few days, a week in). Do you plan to listen to St1 for more than a month?
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I did this over the weekend. The heavy reconiliation didn’t show until this morning
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I did this as well (with Ev4 - two instances at the same time), for about 4 hours Saturday night. My reconciliation showed up part way through Sunday.
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What’d your reconciliation look like?
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What a day. “Extreme” would be the best word to describe it.
From heavy reconciliation this morning,
to not understanding a VERY GOOD fact from my bitcoin exchange while chatting,
to working with a driver who cares less about anyone else’s life or health when he wants something,
to choosing to go visit a local gym right after work since my subc has been making noise for a while,
to coming home and seeing my miner made a big deposit…
Extreme. Good. It’s life, and wow, what a day. I turned on Regen driving home, but began feeling tense, so turned on EOG solo. Considering loops tonight, but haven’t decided.
Oh, and another big extreme: Iron Throne has been making more noise presently. It’s why I visited the gym after an 11-hour workday (I just priced them). I’d been thinking about it for months, but thought about @Simon’s advice on taking action, so I followed the nudge. I am realizing I’ve been ignoring a LOT of nudges in my life. It’s branching into more of my whole life. When I pay attention, that nudging is constantly prompting me on what to do. Even sharing here. It seems connected.
Truthfully, sometimes nudges have no apparent connection to whatever the very next step is, so they’re easier to ignore. (That’s me dismissing and validating my reasons to ignore nudges (aka desires) )
For example, even listening to classical music while writing here…has old connections. Lots of nudges to play trumpet or horn again these last couple of years. And I hadn’t planned on listening to classical. Connections to an oft-dismissed nudge.
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