Its been a while since I wrote anything in here, which is mostly because of the direction my life decided to head in after starting DRG2, and well, the thoughts and the way reality was changing overwhelmed me a bit more than I anticipated, and well, I still had a lot of control over myself and my response to the situations, as well as reflecting on the thoughts instead of acting on them, and just like Heartsong, DRG2 brought up the break up ideas, because it saw it as a limiter in my life.
Every single time I ran Heartsong before, I wanted to leave my girl, and never really pinpointed the reason as to why I wanted to leave her, which @SaintSovereign even knows Friday, and then came DRG2 and brought those up again, but mostly to show me the areas I need to work in and being limited to.
I realized that even though I loved her a lot, I was just content with things, and not really that happy.
I was my happiest at work, while gaming, with my cousins, with the boys, and even at my events, yet with the one person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life? Just content with things.
I was compromising a lot, and I dealt with certain issues by using subs in order to “move on”, when in truth, you shouldn’t ever do that for anyone other than yourself, cause at the end of the day, we all deserve to be loved for who we are.
I couldn’t feel that with her anymore, and ever since that jail incident, it’s been more or less feeling that way, maybe she got a deep fear? Maybe she got cold feet after I talked about marriage? Maybe she was just attached to me sexually?
No matter the reason, the relationship did not seem like it was leading anywhere, it was a trip without a destination, and each day it was just getting harder to wanna continue the trip, and this was the main reason I wanted to test Heartsong again, cause I did want to make it better, but alas, I woke up from a nightmare that involved her and her sis tying me up, slicing and chopping my body into pieces, and throwing them into a river.
I realized from the dream that I was slowly dying from inside, and it was because of the fact that the relationship became draining, and till this day, I do feel like it drained me out a lot, and changed me in ways I don’t appreciate (she was one of the reasons I reduced my gaming by a lot), because of which, I broke up with her right away.
It wasn’t random though, we both knew it was time, as on Friday we went out and she didn’t even wanna hold my hand, and on Sunday her texts felt a bit too devoid of feelings, so I just broke up when I woke up to go to work on Sunday (after the nightmare).
And now? I feel free, I feel more expressive, I feel like I’m having more fun in life without having to think too much, and I’m enjoying everything even more (even got back to gaming).
With all that said, after I was done with DRG3, I didn’t wanna continue the program anymore, mainly because I didn’t feel like my mind wanted to continue with it, but KB is still staying, and along with that, maybe I’ll experiment customs again.
So yeah, after being together for close to 4 years, it all went down the drain.
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great journal