I don’t like journals. And I dislike sharing my personal feelings and emotions with other people.
The alternative is to watch my life fade away as I have done the last 29 years of my life. To watch as my friends grew into adults while I stayed inside and hid from the world. To watch as the people I loved and were attracted to experience love with someone else. Continuing to mistreat my body until something breaks.
I am a coward. I have always been like that inside. Many people wouldn’t expect me to say something like that, but that’s only because I have gone to great lengths to craft my masks well enough to avoid their suspicion. Sometimes I look at the person staring back at me and there is someone I don’t recognise. Sometimes, the thing staring back at me disgusts me, sometimes it looks like the body of a much more capable man. But its mine, and I am taking it.
I realize most of my life I have had an unwarranted fear of being rejected. Not just romantically, but also as a friend or a human being. So I directed myself to stay away from others. I told myself that I was fine with being alone, that I was a solitary person. I am, I think, but I haven’t earned that. I am alone and self isolating because of old dead ideas and beliefs.
But I am a coward. I have just been lying to myself. And as a result, I have lost out on so many things instead of improving myself and finding the courage to live.
Being brutally honest has a point. Need somewhere to start. So here are my goals:
Health - I weigh in the ballpark of 107kg, which is too much McDonald’s and not enough muscle. I will be down to 100kg by the time I am done 30 days of ST4. Assuming each stage will be 30 days, then that leaves me 4 months to shred 7 kg.
My original goal at the start of the year was to get to 90kg, but that train got derailed. 100kg good target so if I smash it, I can shoot for the bonus 90kg with no regrets.
Posture - My dirty hunchback has always made me feel like a monster every time I looked in the mirror as a child. I have made very good strides over the first half of the year with Yoga, going from a full Quasimodo to a about a 1/2ths of a cubicle servant, so going back on program to help stretch out my spine is a key goal.
I use DDPYoga which runs a 14 week program, and I was about 2 weeks off from finishing it when I fell off the wagon. So finishing the whole 14 week beginner program is a goal.
Career - I am too lazy in my actions, I only work a 8 hours a week when there are plenty of opportunities for me to charge ahead. I am ashamed to say that I have been living off of the governments checks for far too long. I have always told myself, ‘I don’t have the energy for that’ or ‘I cant do that’, I only realised too late those were dark ideas I repeated as excuses for cowardly behavior.
I will complete my training cards so I can ask for more hours and earn enough money to support myself without taking someone else tax dollars before the end of ST4. I will be a long way before I am self-sufficient, my father and brother spoil me, but I will be a a man worth self-respect.
Romance - This will be difficult for me. As a hunchback in highschool, I watched as all of my friends so easily became attached, while I missed out. I got so frustrated about them telling me what to do that I asked out every girl in school over the course of a week and got turned down by all of them, just to shut them up. Which is pretty baller now that I think about it, but I have attached too much vinegar to the idea for too long.
More embarrassingly, I only ever felt anything for one person. She was the first person that made me feel vibrant, like I had some hope to feel things. I went to the gym and tried to do things properly, building myself up to ask her out with dignity, but then she started going out with my best friend.
So, like a (ir)rational person, I friendzoned myself and suppressed my feelings. For almost a decade. When it came time to grow as a person and unscrew my mindset over it, she said the things to my face that I needed to hear and I felt better for reaching out and putting my faith into someone. I didn’t tell her because I expected to get into a relationship, she wasn’t single, I just wanted to get rid of those feelings because they were built on shame and trauma.
But, behind my back to my roommate, she said that she felt like taking a bath in caustic soda and she was disgusted. Even though I was mad, I blamed myself for her reaction.
When I messaged her to explain what I was doing, the blew me off and called me an MRA, and to never do it again. My roommate told me she said I shouldn’t be doing that "Jordon Peterson shit’. I cut contact with her a month later, because my feelings are worth more than that to me. Later, I made the mistake of trying to break bread. She told me I was manipulative and dangerous, that I should get on my hands and knees and apologize to my roommate and told me she only thought I was doing this because I was on drugs or trying to break her up from her boyfriend.
At the end of that conversation I told her to fuck off and leave me alone. That was more than a year ago and it still haunts me but was the lesson that made me realise that as much as I suppress them, my feelings I mattered, even though I lost some friends for it.
I have always had problems with love or sex, but my goal is to have sex with at least one girl but the end of ST4. I don’t like PUA shit, I want to make some woman feel wanted and let someone else do that for me. I might not be cleaning out the sweepstakes, but I can find one in four months.
Mindset - I am scared. I realise there is a lot of things I have tampered down that I would rather not feel or think about. Things from my past, and things about the future. But I can’t run away anymore. There may be a time where people will rely on me. I want to be stronger, I want to work harder, I want to be more disciplined. Most of all, I want to have the courage to live a good life.
I have no mission for my mindset, other than this.
If I fail everything else above here, I will finish The Khan. I can screw up everything else here, but not this. I WILL be here to report. No matter how long it takes me to finish, or if I fall off the wagon. I will see the other side of ST4. Because its time to be a fucking man for once.
I am going to attempt sleep now, I will be running ST1 for about 8 hours.
Wish me luck gentlemen. Please, keep me honest.
