EngineHeart's Khan Journal


#1

I don’t like journals. And I dislike sharing my personal feelings and emotions with other people.

The alternative is to watch my life fade away as I have done the last 29 years of my life. To watch as my friends grew into adults while I stayed inside and hid from the world. To watch as the people I loved and were attracted to experience love with someone else. Continuing to mistreat my body until something breaks.

I am a coward. I have always been like that inside. Many people wouldn’t expect me to say something like that, but that’s only because I have gone to great lengths to craft my masks well enough to avoid their suspicion. Sometimes I look at the person staring back at me and there is someone I don’t recognise. Sometimes, the thing staring back at me disgusts me, sometimes it looks like the body of a much more capable man. But its mine, and I am taking it.

I realize most of my life I have had an unwarranted fear of being rejected. Not just romantically, but also as a friend or a human being. So I directed myself to stay away from others. I told myself that I was fine with being alone, that I was a solitary person. I am, I think, but I haven’t earned that. I am alone and self isolating because of old dead ideas and beliefs.

But I am a coward. I have just been lying to myself. And as a result, I have lost out on so many things instead of improving myself and finding the courage to live.

Being brutally honest has a point. Need somewhere to start. So here are my goals:

Health - I weigh in the ballpark of 107kg, which is too much McDonald’s and not enough muscle. I will be down to 100kg by the time I am done 30 days of ST4. Assuming each stage will be 30 days, then that leaves me 4 months to shred 7 kg.

My original goal at the start of the year was to get to 90kg, but that train got derailed. 100kg good target so if I smash it, I can shoot for the bonus 90kg with no regrets.

Posture - My dirty hunchback has always made me feel like a monster every time I looked in the mirror as a child. I have made very good strides over the first half of the year with Yoga, going from a full Quasimodo to a about a 1/2ths of a cubicle servant, so going back on program to help stretch out my spine is a key goal.

I use DDPYoga which runs a 14 week program, and I was about 2 weeks off from finishing it when I fell off the wagon. So finishing the whole 14 week beginner program is a goal.

Career - I am too lazy in my actions, I only work a 8 hours a week when there are plenty of opportunities for me to charge ahead. I am ashamed to say that I have been living off of the governments checks for far too long. I have always told myself, ‘I don’t have the energy for that’ or ‘I cant do that’, I only realised too late those were dark ideas I repeated as excuses for cowardly behavior.

I will complete my training cards so I can ask for more hours and earn enough money to support myself without taking someone else tax dollars before the end of ST4. I will be a long way before I am self-sufficient, my father and brother spoil me, but I will be a a man worth self-respect.

Romance - This will be difficult for me. As a hunchback in highschool, I watched as all of my friends so easily became attached, while I missed out. I got so frustrated about them telling me what to do that I asked out every girl in school over the course of a week and got turned down by all of them, just to shut them up. Which is pretty baller now that I think about it, but I have attached too much vinegar to the idea for too long.

More embarrassingly, I only ever felt anything for one person. She was the first person that made me feel vibrant, like I had some hope to feel things. I went to the gym and tried to do things properly, building myself up to ask her out with dignity, but then she started going out with my best friend.

So, like a (ir)rational person, I friendzoned myself and suppressed my feelings. For almost a decade. When it came time to grow as a person and unscrew my mindset over it, she said the things to my face that I needed to hear and I felt better for reaching out and putting my faith into someone. I didn’t tell her because I expected to get into a relationship, she wasn’t single, I just wanted to get rid of those feelings because they were built on shame and trauma.

But, behind my back to my roommate, she said that she felt like taking a bath in caustic soda and she was disgusted. Even though I was mad, I blamed myself for her reaction.

When I messaged her to explain what I was doing, the blew me off and called me an MRA, and to never do it again. My roommate told me she said I shouldn’t be doing that "Jordon Peterson shit’. I cut contact with her a month later, because my feelings are worth more than that to me. Later, I made the mistake of trying to break bread. She told me I was manipulative and dangerous, that I should get on my hands and knees and apologize to my roommate and told me she only thought I was doing this because I was on drugs or trying to break her up from her boyfriend.

At the end of that conversation I told her to fuck off and leave me alone. That was more than a year ago and it still haunts me but was the lesson that made me realise that as much as I suppress them, my feelings I mattered, even though I lost some friends for it.

I have always had problems with love or sex, but my goal is to have sex with at least one girl but the end of ST4. I don’t like PUA shit, I want to make some woman feel wanted and let someone else do that for me. I might not be cleaning out the sweepstakes, but I can find one in four months.

Mindset - I am scared. I realise there is a lot of things I have tampered down that I would rather not feel or think about. Things from my past, and things about the future. But I can’t run away anymore. There may be a time where people will rely on me. I want to be stronger, I want to work harder, I want to be more disciplined. Most of all, I want to have the courage to live a good life.

I have no mission for my mindset, other than this.

If I fail everything else above here, I will finish The Khan. I can screw up everything else here, but not this. I WILL be here to report. No matter how long it takes me to finish, or if I fall off the wagon. I will see the other side of ST4. Because its time to be a fucking man for once.

I am going to attempt sleep now, I will be running ST1 for about 8 hours.

Wish me luck gentlemen. Please, keep me honest.


#2

Good luck mate! I think you have come to the rite place. With the help of subliminals, a growth mindset and some willpower you can turn your life around 180• :+1:


#3

At the end of ST4, @EngineHeart revealed he was promoted to line manager in his job. He is now 5’11, 100kg, built like a brick shithouse and is smashing 3 girls who all know each other but don’t care.
Quasimodo? Naw, she’s hunched over his dick.

Good luck, ST1 sucks, but the rest will become easier.


#4

@EngineHeart - it was a bit touching to hear you let it all out. I can relate a bit with disability since I have issues with my eyes and ears. Good luck, mate and if i had to recommend something, I would suggest to keep off the masturbation and porn. Being off that for more than a month will make you attractive to women. Add Khan to that and you will be unstoppable. Also, don’t expect much until either ST2 or ST3 of this subliminal. May you win at everything!


#5

Day 1

Had a strange encounter yesterday. I was up early in the morning yesterday and slept poorly the night before, so I went for a nap and threw ST1 on in a playlist. A few hours later, I awoke to someone talking loudly in my front yard, talking about how no one lives here. I peek out my blinds and see an older woman with one of my house plants in her hand, walking down the street. Rambling and high on meth, she was with someone who was calm but telling her to go.

This wasn’t any old plant, I got it as a memento from my cousins funeral, and I was keeping it in the sun so it could eat. I threw a shirt on and ran down the street (no shoes or pants just my boxers) and quite thoroughly told her to go fuck herself, to stay away from my house and retrieved my plant. I think I handled it very well, I walked off without giving a damn about her backbiting or comments (not that they made sense anyway, she was off her head).

I have been changing slowly on my own the past 2 years, I have always been someone who shyed away from confrontation. I am used to having a lot of doubt and hesitation, but that plant was important to me. At that point I looked down at the playlist. I had queued 8 runs of ST1, I had finished 4 at that point and ran the other 4 later when I went to bed.

Things feel easier today. I had the opportunity to go get food delivery or drive thru, but I really didn’t want to waste my money or gain the fat. So I ate some ham and a few cheese slices, surprising how I over eat all the time. I have the goal of getting some of my training done today instead of wasting time.

Today

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours

Total

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours


#6

Cheers lads, thanks for the encouragement.

@Nitro19 That is going to be a new feeling. I have had many tries through my life to ‘turn it around’ and beat myself up for it when I crashed and burned. But now I am a little older, I realise trying and failing have just given me the training to make it work. What was that saying they tell addicts? If you give and lose to your addictions, then the upside is you have built skill of quitting up stronger for next time.

@raphael Sucks to hear about the ears/eyes but good to see you fighting, I admire that. I have ADHD, but unlike a lot of people, I was only diagnosed at 27, a year after finishing university. Meaning not only are my grades crap, I also built a horribly degenerate mindset to cope with the fact I felt like a failure. I blamed myself for everything, I told myself I didn’t deserve to have success or love.

Not only did constantly losing attention on what I was doing feel like a validation of how worthless I was. Taking a pill that let me actually pay attention to the whole conversation was world altering The first thing I did was spend 20+ hours listening to doctors and research professors explain what ADHD was. I thought it was just a meme disease to give naughty kids speed, but it is worse than that. I suppose sticking with Khan is a good way to reverse the damages of that mindset and make something better.

Keeping from bashing the fencepost is good advice, but dear lord they weren’t joking about how Khan turns your fires up. I use it as a coping strategy/procrastination tool so cutting down on it is a good idea.
That reminds me of some light dreams I had during that first nap. I was dreaming of sex, crazy amounts of sex.


#7

@Michel Those are some good visions, but line manager? CEO is where its at bro.


#8

I wish you all the best for your journey ahead, you will definitely see a great change in next few months.

Also about DDP yoga, any review about it. How was your experience? I have some doubts about DDP yoga, if you can help?

Moreover I was also obese at 90 Kg, i lost 12 kg in last 4 months on high carb diet, intermittent fasting and no exercise at all. Recommend by Dr John Mcdougal. Just search his name. Try if you find it suitable.


#9

Your story is so relatable, it hurts to read. Man, I almost teared up.
Let me assure you, you are on the best path you will walk in your life.
The path to your greatness. And I know you will make it one day.
Because… when you are so full of pain and suffering you come to the point where you cant take it anymore. It is obvious you have reached that point.
Luck is not what you need, it is strength. I wish you plenty of it.
You will suffer great time and after that you will have the greatest time of your life.
Congratulations on this decision man. I look forward to hear from you.

PS: Cut out porn. It really is highly toxic and damaging.


#10

I don’t watch porn generally. Once in 2-3 months. I don’t think it’s highly toxic at all. Like everybody is blaming on porn for everything. Putting all eggs in one basket. You’re not getting laid, it must be porn. Not manifesting money, reason is porn. ED=watching porn. Etc etc.

Cultivate self worth and self love. After that it won’t matter what you are watching or eating. Seriously. Nothing is toxic. Believing something is toxic is just a belief, like any other belief. And wrong believes are harmful. Just saying, not here for debate.


#11

Thats true but does it apply to the average person?
It is true but you actually need a very high level of self-awareness and faith to be able to do that.
For example there are guys who have such strong faith they can drink really deadly poison and nothing happens to them because they believe they are protected.
If you did that with a random guy on the street… well…
I mentioned porn because it is something I repeatedly see in the lifes of people who feel they live under their potential, and it is mostly overseen.


#12

I’m just sharing my POV here(lol).

Watching porn is not at all toxic. Problem arises when you ejaculate. The more you ejaculate the more your body starts to give up on you, hence low self esteem, low confidence, anxiety etc etc. Remember those golden young days when despite watching porn, getting laid was easy. It was because ejaculation was just getting started.

Learn some sexual exercise, everything is available online. This was one will be able to watch porn, have sex and control ejaculation.

Also, no one is average. If you believe so than you are. Stop believing you will stop manifesting average personality. Remove all subliminals from your playlist. Just concentrate on self worth, mirror technic, scripting. When you see results through that, than add subliminals. One will see better and faster results this way.


#13

I dont know if you mean this rethorical, but in case you mean actually me: No, I dont remember those days. That’s why (one of the reasons) I am cutting off porn and masturbating in the first place.
Plus, I am actually a bit too young to remember “golden days”, I guess :sweat_smile:

Again, I dont know if you mean me thinking of myself being average or people on the streets. What I meant is, if you ask random persons on the street they probably dont practice self development/success. At least my experience, might be a cultural thing.

Funny thing is I have been about 2 years into this before I started subliminals. Did a lot of inner work and healing in this time. Thats probably one of the reasons why Emperor hasnt broken me down so far, life took care of that already numerous times. And yes, I think you shouldnt rely on subliminals too.
Its about you.

But lets not hijack Engines thread. It is his journey after all.


#14

Day 2

Feeling stranger. I had an appointment with my psychologist today. Married lady, christian. Nice woman. But I sensed something different about her and her responses today. As if I was just a little more dangerous.

Maybe she was acting the same and I just noticed it a little more. Like of was more open to picking up on the signals and movements other people threw off.

Apart from that, sleep is a bit of an issue. Listening to ST1 Ultrasonic on 8 loops during the night keeps me in a light stage of sleep. I feel oddly refreshed, but tired as well. Will soldier through.

@ExploringAstronaut @MavericKobra

This is another strange thing. Usually I would slap happy all the damn time, but I just don’t feel like it at all. I feel the opposite actually. Its been three days and I would usually be bursting at the seems to pull off a heist. But now I have less of a psychological compulsion. Which is nice, don’t like being compelled or controlled by anything.

Today/Last Night

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours

Total

16 x ST1 = 12 Hours


#15

Day 3

Had an unproductive day yesterday. Still, there are a few benefits I have noticed so far. I feel like the resistance towards doing things if far less. It is as if I am walking downhill to get started instead of uphill. Like gravity is helping instead of hindering.

Sleep was better, the last 2 nights on ST1 were okay but I was feeling a seedy lack of sleep. Last night I hit the pillow and blacked out till morning. Which is always nice. Even though I felt like I was behind on sleep a little I felt tired, not fatigued.

Last Night

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours

Total

22 x ST1 = 18 Hours


#16

Day 4

Had work last night. I worked in a place I guarded a few weeks ago, didn’t make a good impression with the young fella. I was too stiff and strict. This week I was much more relaxed.

When I walked in I could see that he wasn’t happy with me being here. By the end of the night I had completely made a good impression. I was taking my job too seriously, but by the end we were joking around. I felt way more relaxed and in control.

Today I drove my old man to a hotel in the state capital. A real strange thing I noticed was how I had much more initiative when driving. Usually I would be a very cautious driver, I would make sure I had way more space than necessary. Now I dont feel like hesitating, I take my chances drive more aggressively without being a dick. Apart from that, nothing to note.

Last Night

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours

Total

30 x ST1 = 24 Hours


#17

Update for the last few days:

Day 5 Saturday

No Khan in the night. I went down to a mates place and had a few (more than a few) beers. Felt nice to be social every once and a while. I felt more confident about things. Something I have noticed is I am looking at myself more. I usually don’t like looking at myself, in the past I felt disgusted. Now I take pictures of myself for a good laugh. I still noticed I look at the negatives but it is easier to deal with.

Saturday Night

No Khan


Day 6 Sunday

I felt very sluggish and lazy today. I was drinking during the day and finished off a couple of shows on Netflix.

Still managed to get my ST1 in that night.

Sunday Night

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours


Day 7 Monday

Like the other few days, I spent the day not doing anything. I was playing a lot of video games and not doing anything productive at all. But I also felt frustrated, like I was bouncing back and forwards from game to game or youtube video to youtube video just to find something engaging to do. I have noticed this in the past, it is my internal self telling me to do something productive and valuable. But I have gotten very good at suppressing it, usually because I have felt so inept and useless when actually doing things.

It feels like anxiety in a way, like my mind is telling me “go do something productive stupid”. I am glad my mind has my back, but I just with I was all on page with it. I just need to not fall into the pits of it all.

Another thing, I was thinking about that woman. And I was pleasantly surprised how calm and balanced I was, it felt like the whole issue was over and done with. I was very thankful to Khan about that, it is an issue that drives me up the wall from time to time. I genuinely thought it was over and done with. Which is what I want.

Monday Night

8 x ST1 = 6 Hours


Day 8 Tuesday

Spent the day doing what I had been doing the last few days. Which is to say, nothing much at all. I didn’t take my medication yesterday to see how I would go without it, and hot damn to I have ADHD. Sometimes I really do wonder if I am just a crack seeking fraud, someone who is making it all up just to get on the drugs, but then I skip them for a day and I re-learn I am full of shit.I thought I felt frustrated over the last two days, but unmedicated I wasn’t able to even waste time properly. I was bouncing back and forward between things all over the place. By the time I decided I didn’t want any part of that, it was too late in the day to take my meds, or I’d be flat awake at midnight.

It made me think though, maybe my behaviors and patterns are hardwired for when I am not medicated. I gave myself a good reality check that night, I spent the last 3 days doing nothing but repeating the same pre medicated behavior of being sucked into wasting time. It is a key failing of my life, I have wasted so much of my time and it sickens me. Whats worse. when I play video games it didn’t really feel good, like I was just doing to to keep my frustrations of not achieving something worthwhile compressed. My mind does not make a lot of sense like that. I do enjoy achieving my objectives, I do enjoy actually doing things.

I think my problems are a factor of a few things:

Alcohol does something to my motivations, it messes them up and keeps them messed up for a few days. I was a binge drinker when I was younger, I didn’t drink all the time but when I did I could keep up with the best of them. I wonder if that behavior messed up my motivation circuits, made them more sensitive to being knocked about.

Even light drinking from Saturday and Sunday has an effect the next few days. Cutting out the booze is a priority, because I can’t be wasting half a good week feeling unhungover but not firing on all cylinders. Which is hard because I usually drink around my mates and have a good time.

I haven’t been taking my supplements either. For some reason I feel like doing ST1 would automatically fix my problems and taking supplements to help my functioning would be an admission that Khan was a sham. But that’s crap. If I want to make it, I have to use any resource I can get to succeed.

Tuesday Night

ST1 x 8 = 6 Hours

Total

ST1 x 54 = 42 Hours



#18

Day 9 Wednesday

I got up early (for me) today. Had to pick up my old man from his function. I had a decent drive there and back, everything was sweet with the old man. Have a bad habit of ruminating about that girl when I drive, which is frustrating as hell. I got trapped by it after I got home, sucked into the old stupid game of replaying it all in my head. It got so bad I went to lie down in bed helplessly and keep replaying it over and over just to feel something. Of how it could have turned out or how badly I was treated.

But I got shit to do today and I realised this isn’t how I want to spend my time. I sure as hell have spent entire days sucked into it, I have a bad habit of holding onto burning coals just to feel them burn. But, I have spent 3 days now not doing anything productive or relevant, and its time I gave myself a reality check.


First, I hadn’t updated this journal in a while, second I haven’t even begun to think about my goals.

Health - Haven’t started recording my food. Haven’t even stepped on the scales. Not good.

Posture - Haven’t started my Yoga. This links into the health aspect. Not good.

Career - I was supposed to finish the assignment work for my Cert 3 and drop it off today after picking the old man up. I haven’t touched it since last week. One thing I have done which I am happy with is that I have saved up $300 in a separate bank account to pay it. Haven’t finished my workplace safety card. Haven’t asked or gotten more shifts. Not good.

Romance - Funnily enough, I have had an easier time connecting with girls and picking up on their signals and feelings. Which is nice, I don’t feel disgusting or ashamed to wanting to connect with someone, and I have a greater appreciation of the needs and desires of the women around me. I still don’t feel close to ready to engage or have sex with someone, but my mindset on it feels more natural.

Mindset - I can see some good out of this. I am glad I discarded my bad thoughts and got out of my negative spiral. It did actually feel easy. Even though I earlier felt like I was going backwards with it a little, especially after spiraling like I did. But I fee more confident in directing my emotions instead of letting them rule me. I also noticed I feel more confident and engaged, not so anxious and stiff out in the world. I would be stiff to the point that I would be cutting people off, but now I feel way more relaxed.

Earlier I was thinking maybe I was benefiting from easy gains with ST1, and that the topsoil of negative patterns goes easy and the bedrock is next. I don’t know what to think, and to be honest I am a little scared something will really uncork. But maybe I am just playing myself. I know one thing, for now I just need to take it day by day. There is no use to wasting energy on fearful thoughts or self sabotage. What comes is what comes and my task is to do what I can, where I can when its right to do so.


Remediation

Now I have written this reality check I know what I have to do to keep me honest.

TODAY’S TASKS

Health/Posture

1.) Enter today’s food and record it = DONE
2.) Record weight = 109.3kg = DONE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N36bCj5_Yrg) :frowning:
3.) Start yoga course = DONE (Smashed a good 20 minutes. Damn I am a tight lad)

Career

1.) Finish what I can with my construction safety course today = NOT DONE
2.) Finish off at least 2 chapters (plus the one that is already half done) for my cert 3 work = NOT DONE

Will be back later to edit the tasks as I do them and enter in tonights ST1 hours.


#19

@EngineHeart - good idea to make a checklist like this with DONE and NOT DONE. Defintely motivating to get things done. Good job.