Haven’t posted here for a few years but I’ve been consistently using SubClub titles this entire time.
A quick recap:
Since it’s debut,I’ve done 31 cycles of ZP (with multiple multi-week washouts).
WB has been my predominant sub since it came out.
This post is mostly focused on Primal Romance, but keep in mind as you read that I’m running Emperor Daddy as well. I think most of that results that I talk about is Primal Romance influenced. It’s less of a review but more of a rant towards the end but hopefully someone finds it helpful.
This year, I ran the 4 stages of Khan Love and War, with some WB and some other various microloops.
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me during my Khan run. It really hurt me despite me initially not wanting to be with her early on in the relationship. But over the years I got used to her and our pets’ company and the pain of losing her was real
until Primal Romance of course…
The first manifestation in hindsight was a presult as it was during the end of a washout before my run of Emperor Daddy and Primal Romance:
I’m out of town living in a hotel for my seasonal job and I’m coming back into the hotel from my car when I see her (let’s call her Dana). She’s got a green hoodie on and she looks into my eyes and says hi really friendly. I didn’t think much of it, but she was cute and I kept her in the back of my mind.
A few days later I find out Dana’s my coworker as at the first work meeting I accidentally make a joke to her confusing her for someone else. We exchange words, and I confirm she’s good looking but at this point I’m not convinced of her sexuality.
As fate would have it, I ended up occasionally training her on the job. I say fate because I was actually assigned a different job for the whole season, but because of scheduling conflicts, I just so happened to end up in that position.
I’m still playing it cool and friendly because I’m not sure where she stands, but I start crushing on her hard over the weeks and for the first time in months I’m considering letting go of my girlfriend and any hope of revitalizing that relationship - If I sleep with another woman I can say bye to being with my ex forever. I subconsciously make the decision that if I had the opportunity I would sleep with her.
Fast forward towards the end of the work-season and we end up getting a night off work, and the whole crew decides to come over party at the hotel bar.
I see Dana there wearing a sexy outfit, but she’s talking to another coworker, let’s call him Tom.
I play it cool and start playing pool and darts with my coworkers, chatting with other friends and coworkers, when Dana approaches me and inserts herself into the conversation, complimenting my training and making jokes.
A little later, I end up inviting her outside to smoke a joint with me and my female friend Ana, in her car. As I bring her out I notice Tom staring. We talk for a bit until Ana has to drive home, so me and Dana walk around the block, talking, and playing a claw arcade game (which we both lose) - I realized later that this was “perfect date” scripting manifesting itself.
I also admitted one of my worst fears to her (vulnerability scripting)
I was planning on hanging out with Dana til the end, but I got dragged away to smoke a blunt with the boys (hah). I had a good time that night but it didn’t end with me and Dana alone. Unrelated, but this was one of the best nights of my real after a year of practical solitude.
A few more days go by, and it time for the company party/potluck.
I’m not sure where Dana and I stand at this point, because neither of us have been giving too hard of romantic interest signals (and perhaps this is where I went wrong).
But I text her a hail Mary and ask her if she would be going to the party. She says yes and asks if I wanted to go together (score!! – or at least I thought… )
Dana gives me a ride in her car
When we show up at the party, we set up, and me and Dana go outside to join my friend Michael (who is gay)in his truck (to smoke more weed obviously lol - I swear I’m not this much of a pothead guys).
This is where Dana reveals to Michael that she opened up her relationship and that she’s currently in a long distance relationship with a man, looking to open it up to a woman. My heart sinks as I get second thoughts if she likes me or even wants to be with me … Did I get everything all wrong?
By the way I’m also drinking a little bit and so is everyone else.
We go to the big room with the DJ and dance floor, and before you know it, I’m dancing, and soon Dana joins. We hold hands and dance and as I spin her around I grab her waist and put her arms on my shoulders…it doesn’t last too long as I transition back to holding hands.
I leave to go outside for a bit, but when I get back, I see Dana talking with Tom. So I leave them alone, and when I come back they are still there talking.
I start to get the message, and ask Michael for a ride home to get my car since I didn’t think I would be leaving with Dana.
When I drive back to the party, I watch my coworkers play pool, while I catch Tom and Dana talking at the bar. She stared at me a few times intensely. I thought ‘does she want me to go fight Tom for her’?
I wasn’t going to do that as I felt like I would give away my power…and was used to the Wanted Black mentality of women chasing me instead of me chasing them.
But I think I regret it. I think I regret not fighting for her.
I’m 99% sure they slept together based on what Tom told me the next day.
The next day, Dana was getting her stuff out of the hotel as she was leaving back home the next day. I said hi and made a little joke, we both smiled and we’re talking friendly but there was palpable underlying tension.
A few hours later, a few co-workers invite us to a boss’s dinner at a local company. We smoke some weed me and the boys, and 2 of my girl friends, when Dana shows up asking to smoke. I don’t think she realized I was in the back of the car until she saw me.
But Dana gets an invite and goes in a separate car. At the dinner we never talk. Honestly, I was being petty and vindictive by even going, i just wanted to make her uncomfortable with my presence.
The next day she left, and I left her a polite, formal text message which she returned in kind.
I felt like I messed up by not showing her enough attention, because I was so certain she was mine that night. Either that or she was trying to make me jealous, or maybe she was using me to make Tom jealous.
I don’t know. I definitely feel like I fumbled it. It really felt like we were weaving a beautiful romantic story together until the very end.
I’m not sure if it was the subliminals fault. Perhaps I overexposed by listening to 7 mins instead of 30s the day of the party.
The icing on the cake was me finding out she and I had identical politics and worldview which is hard to find here… She was literally a perfect match for me and I fucked it up.
It fucked me up emotionally for 48 hours… intense sensations of heartbreak I’ve never experienced before. Literal physical pain y’all lmao. But I think PR’s “release past hurt relationships and fears” scripting is doing it’s job:
Last night I was an emotional wreck - both extreme pain and extreme euphoria - (literally to the point where I felt I was on ecstasy). . I talked to lots of my coworkers about it yesterday- trusted male friends and women. It really helped me and I experienced intense love and appreciation for all my beautiful friends - just crazy emotions I don’t think i have ever felt.
I don’t know if I can save this especially after she slept with Tom. If this was just a random girl at a bar who slept with another guy, I would never be with her.
But what if Dana is the love of my life? Then what does it matter that she slept with another guy?
I just felt like I hurt her in some way- I need to take responsibility for the experience I provide potential partners.
I also need to consider that she was only looking for a lay as she’s a full time traveler. Maybe if I only went for sex, I would have made something more substantial happen. As a matter of fact, my longest relationships started with one night stands.
I texted her last night if she wanted to clear the air and bury the hatchet over the phone. I instantly regretted it, and in a follow up text said nevermind.
This morning I felt better. I ran a 30s microloops of PR.
Dana replied to my text a half hour later, saying yes to talking over the phone.
I’m in a conundrum. I wasn’t open and honest with her about my feelings from the beginning. I feel I should have trusted my intuition and wore my heart on my sleeve and risked getting it broken because the pain of regret is worse than the pain of rejection alone.
I’m thinking of things to talk with her about during our phone call (If I decide tocall her at all to).
I’m looking at PR description right now, and there are a few bullet points that make me think calling her and telling her how I feel and finding out how she feels may be the right move:
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"Strengthen emotional depth, allowing individuals to engage with their partner in ways that transcend words, fostering an unshakable bond through shared understanding and silence.
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“Encourage individuals to create their own path to romance, refusing to let external forces dictate their love life, and taking control of their relationships through conscious action.”
I’ll let you guys know what happens. I’m curious if she felt the same draw towards me that I felt towards her.
And even if there’s nothing to be gained other than perhaps closure and friendship, it’s still worth a phone call.
Part of me wonders if PR scripting took me up this rollercoaster and dropped me down to teach me a lesson on heartbreak, love, and regret. It’s like installing a “reference experience” in my brain from which to learn for future scenarios/relationships.
Another way to look at it is that PR did it’s job almost flawlessly til the end, manifesting a beautiful woman into my life who is exactly my type, and put me into multiple situations where we were hanging out one-on-one developing a friendship and bond.
So if PR can make this result happen on my first cycle, I have hope another cycle will yield superior results.