- Ok, where I was having anger recon last night, I’m feeling really good as tonight ends. I’m feeling powerful and optimistic about all of the things I want to have happen. And I mean very optimistic. I keep having the phrase “welcome to the Khan life” go through my head.
I think there are two reasons for that. First, I figured out, fully analyzed and wrote down the issue that was bothering me. Second, I took some action.
A while ago the wife and I signed up for a, call it, adult dating site for couples. Yeah, she’s into that now.
Before I always had trouble even “approaching” online. Too shy, didn’t want to sound stupid, whatever. Tonight I reached out to a number of different couples. It was crossing a mental line of some kind. Little thing, and who knows if my efforts tonight will go anywhere, but it put me in the good mood that I seem to get as a reward for taking action on these subs.
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- I’m feeling pretty good today. I just finished my loops and I’ve got a light feeling in my body and just a bit of a head buzz.
I’m mentally pretty peaceful right now.
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A while after my loop I looked at some pictures of myself and damn. I thought I looked horrible. I look much younger than I am. Not very masculine to say the least. I look like a little boy in a fairly large man’s body.
That set me off to feeling bad. Not anger like last loop, but mildly dejected. Thinking that nothing I’m trying to do to live the life I want to is going to work, and I’m going to remain stuck spinning my wheels and wishing and hoping in vain. Thhhhaaaaaaaattts Recon. I realize it. It’s the self image I’ve held for decades arguing with the new one that is trying to assert itself in my head.
It’s also trying to convince me that continuing to take action is pointless. Not falling for it. Definitely means that the sub is working, and seems to happen on a fairly predictable schedule. -
Here is a little idea I’ve been playing with as a second title. I call it Manifestation Monster. I could use it to help the manifestation aspect of what I’m trying to do here.
- Minds Eye Core
- Ascension Chamber Core
- Fortune’s Favorite
- Void of Creation
- Jupiter
- Yggdrasil
- Everpresent
- Arcane Mastery
- Immortals Blade
- Fusion Optimized
- Inner Gasoline
- Gratitude Embodiment
- Dream Traveler
- Mosaic
Maybe
(Sex Manifestation)
(Sultan)
(Gorgeous Manifester)
- I’ve also thought of using Inner Circle instead of ME. The reason being at this point I really don’t have any people in my life to help me with the goals I have. The only people I have regular contact with are the wife, the roommate, and some very shallow interactions with co workers.
Let’s face it. I need to have others in my life if it’s going to be as exciting and awesome as I want it to be.
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- I’ve been kind of pensive and thoughtful today. I can tell that my subconscious is chewing on an issue, but it didn’t just pop into my consciousness like the last one.
It seems to center around why my default position in life seems to be a state of “stuck”, stagnation. And why I seem to still be there even after DR dealt with my fear based “success ceiling”.
I am starting to think that I have a clue.
As I mentioned, DR helped me to sort out a lot of the negative crap that was holding me back, and it also made it pretty clear that at least one of the reasons that I had the professional aspirations that I did was to sort of deny some of the negative aspects of my old self image.
In other words, that was an attempt to run away from the “old me” who I saw as a weak coward, more than it was something that I genuinely, passionately wanted to do.
Now I’m not sure that’s not the right path for me, but I’ve lost the frantic enthusiasm I had for it right along with the fear of failure.
Now, I’m not discounting that as a career choice, but I’m open to others.
I feel like I have some drive in here somewhere, but I really don’t know what I should be driving for. No real direction at this point.
That’s what’s bugging me. I feel kind of lost.
That was ok on DE. I was deliberately taking time out to heal before moving forward. Now I really have the urge to FIND my direction.
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I feel just kind of weird after my loop. Matter of fact it was like this before too but not as much so. I kinda remember this from DR too. I have no real sense of the future. Not good or bad. No sense that I need to be driving toward anything, not looking forward to anything, and no sense that there is anything to fear. I just kind of am. It’s not bad or good. I don’t know what it is.
This must be a thing that healing subs do to me. -
I have been thinking more about what I need in order to get what I want out of this sub and out of life. One of the short answers is that I need people in my life.
All kinds of them in a lot of different capacities.
It is much easier to advance yourself professionally if you have a network of contacts in the field that you are in or want to get into.
It would be a whole lot better to have some people to go out with so I can meet all these women I want to. I don’t know if thats going to be at bars or what, but it’s a bit awkward going out alone.
It’s a lot easier to enjoy myself in general If I have some friends to do things with.
It’s odd. I’ve never been the most social guy in the known universe, but I always had some good friends who I hung out with or did stuff with.
In the last I don’t know how long they’ve scattered though. I’m still in touch with them online, but I don’t have a single friend in my area who I do anything with face to face. My circle has shrunk to the wife, son, and roommate. I have some coworkers I like better than others, but the interactions remain pretty superficial.
At the moment this speaks to running Inner Circle in the near future. I also have to start doing things where I can meet people.
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OK, I had a dream and it was a weird one. Plenty disturbing too.
In the dream I was remembering an incident where my male piece had come off. I think I actually had that dream at some point in the past.
I had somehow put it back together instead of seeking medical attention and it had healed perfectly. I didn’t go to the hospital because I was afraid to admit that it had happened and was trying to hide it. It had happened long ago, and I was pretty amazed that it had healed and everything still worked right.
I woke up feeling weird and wondering if the memory was real. Obviously it wasn’t, but I was really out of it for a good minute. -
Meaning? I’m digging into a fear of emasculation. It doesn’t get more on the nose than that.
Because it had happened a long time ago and I’d fixed it on my own, I think that my subconscious mind is telling me that I was emasculated, but fixed it. However I still have fears about the repair holding or it happening again.
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**8/8/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 1 WEEK 2**
- Week one is in the books and it’s been interesting. On the whole, I have been pretty irritable most of the week, but it seems to be alleviating a bit anyway. I expected some recon on this one, and I haven’t gone off on anyone so it’s ok.
I was expecting some recon on this one. Khan represents the person I’ve always wanted to be but was afraid to become. Since I haven’t become that guy already, there are obviously mental blocks in my way, so there may be some rough road getting there.
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Hey man, I feel Khan can be frustrating, challenging and down right painful in some cases. I’ve felt the same back when I started running Wanted where I had healing that needed to be done. All I can say is from the bottom of my hear you got this and if you keep trying to take action Khan will show you your true potential and the success that you know you achieve. I believe you, others believe in you but most importantly I know you have the power to believe in yourself and get the life you want 
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Thanks Brother. I’m pretty good at embracing the suck and paying the price for what I want.
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I love khan so much, I always come back to st1. I feel the I AM module in it Everytime I run it and the selfish me who didn’t care about anyone but his happiness came back and it felt good.
Question, are you still running spartan with it?
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At the moment, yes. Not sure if I’m going to give that another cycle or switch to something else.
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- I tend to avoid “pick up” type of material as a rule. I’ve looked into it in the past, and found it ineffective. First off, I have trouble remembering a canned routine when I was supposed to be doing it, and second, I was unable to realistically see myself approaching a woman and doing any of that crap.
Lately though I’ve found a couple of resources that I do find helpful. They’re more general stuff about naturally relating to other people than they are about scripted unnatural crap. I’ve been studying those and they don’t seem out of reach to me at all.
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- I’ve noticed something. Im not sure it started with this run. I’m finding everything boring. Well maybe it’s more accurate to say not much is holding my attention lately. Im not sure why, I’m just feeling restless and kind of frustrated looking for something, anything to hold my interest. No clue what would.
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- I’ve been getting mental replays of times in my life that I’ve been dominated embarrassed and defeated. This is nothing new. I’ve suffered from these mental replays since I can remember. They kind of show up in my mind and induce a red hot rage and desire for vengeance. Excessive vengeance that goes well beyond what these people did to me.
For the most part, these were small incidents that really didn’t mean much. It largely went away during my DR run. It’s coming back, but it is a little different.
Now I sometimes can stay calm enough to at least wonder why these particular incidents and these specific people have the power to have this much of an effect on me years later.
I don’t have a definitive answer at this point, but I seem to be working on it under the surface.
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It’s alright now @COWolfe . You’re wiser and know better. You understand and have power.
I don’t know of a single man today who has not been just a little defeated. In this capitalist society, where hierarchy is emphasized further from the time we are in elementary school… it is a fact of life.
Presidents have been defeated and had to concede to the victor.
But that’s the point. You have to see it as a little defeat. Just like you lost a video game match. If you still have your life, it’s like you lost a death match in Call of Duty. You’ve respawned and you are here now.
When you have staying power and you know in the back of your mind, that you are here to stay and nothing will move you… you realize it was never a defeat you had in your life, or else you wouldn’t be here living and breathing. My lord, those were obstacles to make you give up and you chose to continue. You have grit! LOOK… at all these men out here who are losing their lives because they thought it was the end and LOOK AT YOU! You’re serious and you’re here to win. So we’re gonna do this!
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I am not having the usual bout of recon a few hours after my loop today. The thoughts that lead to it crop up a bit, but then they get kind of gently interrupted and quickly fade out.
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Another observation on the rage thing I was having. I think I know what is happening. Those memories, and the feelings they caused are kind of like objects caught in my throat. The bouts of rage are kind of like me coughing to try to dislodge and get rid of them. Feeling the emotion in an attempt to process them or some damn thing like that.
These things are really lodged in there for some reason though, so this has been an issue for many years.
Hopefully the digging into it I’m doing now will actually dislodge it.
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- I don’t know why I just started thinking of this, and I don’t remember if I covered this in my DR journal or not.
I started thinking about my relationship with my first girlfriend and why I had such a hard time of it when she broke up with me.
Short version, she gave me the opportunity to play the hero, and that was a kind of validation that I needed at the time.
Longer version. #1 was a hot mess who had made a half assed teenage girl suicide attempt a couple of days before we met.
The reason being that her “parents” were some real fine pieces of work who enjoyed abusing her and her mentally disabled little brother.
As the relationship progressed, it became my mission to “save” her. We were together for the last two years of high school. In the beginning, she was mortified of doing anything the slightest bit rebellious no matter how sure it was that she’d get away with it. She was sure that they’d catch her by some fluke.
I slowly got her over that, and eventually got her to go to the college she had really wanted to in defiance of them.
That was a victory. But after I’d won it, I was a white knight without a quest. That’s what I was getting out of that, and why I had such trouble getting over it. That’s why I didn’t take one of the many opportunities I had to get with another girl and just move on.
It made me feel like I was the hero, like I was needed, like I had a purpose. When she was gone, my connection to that feeling was gone.
What I didn’t do was do the mental gymnastics to see myself as the hero who saved the day and now rides off into the sunset in search of another adventure. In practical terms that would be to find someone or something else that needed saving.
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- It’s been a few hours since my loops and once again I have no noticeable recon.
I was expecting stage one to be a lot rougher on me than it has been so far. I think that it hasn’t been simply because I did a really thorough job running DR so there isn’t much left for it to deal with.
I suspect that stage two might be a bit tougher. I hear it can be difficult and where I’ve already had a lot of work in on my negative self image, limiting thinking, and trauma, I haven’t done that much to replace it with positive. That will be new for me.
I actually considered not running stage one, but I am taking the time to do this right.
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**8/15/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 1 WEEK 3**
- I have been thinking about what I want out out of this program today. What about myself I think that I need to work on. Where I think there is room for major improvement.
First, masculinity. Up until recently I haven’t seen myself as a “real man”. Not really. At least not as much of one as I’d like to be.
There are quite a number of reasons for that that all started at various points in my early childhood and or early teenage years. I’ll not go into too much excruciating detail here because I covered most of it in my DR journal.
The short story is that I grew up with a domineering, angry, emotionally crippled father, and an emasculating, man hating, hyper controlling mother.
Add to that that while I was always a big kid, I didn’t develop the ability to control my body well, or any strength or athleticism until later in my teenage years. Seriously, I was so clumsy I routinely tripped over my own feet and did similar embarrassing things all the time. Much to the sadistic amusement of my classmates. All of that got sunk into my subconscious as the message that I would always be dominated, never measure up to the other guys in any way, and always be the target of mockery and scorn.
It got so bad in my early teenage years that I would cringe at the sound of laughter from any group of people anywhere I was because my mind convinced me that it was always directed at me.
At some point I saw or imagined I saw what the more masculine guys lives were like. They felt good about themselves (so I thought anyway), they got the girls, and everyone loved everything they said or did. I WANTED that. But, the extreme social fear that I had developed never went away, and the impression that I was someone who could never have any of that had sunk it’s claws into my subconscious so deep that they’d grown roots.
Later I learned to fake it a bit, and it worked to an extent, but I always felt that I was faking it. A lot of people who have known me as an adult have seen me as very masculine, thing is I never saw myself that way. In the last few years it’s gotten better with the use of advanced subliminals, but it’s still not where I want it to be.
Second, hesitancy, reluctance to “pull the trigger” when I have the opportunity. It’s gotten in the way of my having the kind of sex life that I wanted as well as my professional life, and a lot of other things.
On the sex life front, three incidents stick out where a female coworker has blatantly offered herself to me, and I wanted to, but failed to pull the trigger. There have been other times that has happened that didn’t involve work, but those three things stand out and I kick myself for them.
I have to resolve that the next time I have an opportunity (which I’m sure will manifest due to Khan) I will take it come hell or high water.
I’m sure that the hesitation comes from the self image problem mentioned above, and the only way to beat it is to just do it.
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- All of that self psychoanalysis last night gave me a revelation. Both my mother and father feared masculinity. Feared strong masculine men. That is why they treated me the way they did.
My father feared them because he never saw himself that way and he was afraid of anyone who had more dominance than him. Which in his eyes was just about everyone. Especially after my mother got through with him.
Everyone that is, except me. I was the only person in the world who he felt he had dominance over, and he fought to maintain it well into my young adulthood. He was afraid of me becoming more man than him in short. And the closer I got to real manhood, the harder he fought.
I really don’t know what my mom’s major malfunction was, but she really had a thing against men. She wanted to see them all as weaker and lesser than her. I figured out during my DR run that it was fear of some kind. Probably stemming from her father.
Either way, they both tried to stop me from becoming a powerful man, and it was because they saw that potential in me and were afraid of it.
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