I requested it a while back. It’s for people who have to start their healing and self development journeys while still “taking fire” in a toxic environment. Which would definitely have been the case if I’d started back then.
Yeah, we talked about that when I first dreamed about it. The other module I read about was called Duck Dick Danny. All the sales copy said was “try it and find out”.
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**12/26/22 STAGE 2 CYCLE 2 WEEK 2**
- We have been having an uncanny streak of things going wrong the last week and a half or so.
First, the garage door. We had had the opener replaced recently. This summer I think. Then a couple of weeks ago the spring on the door broke. Expensive but normal. Then a couple of days ago, the opener stopped working. It was Christmas Eve and I can open it manually so we haven’t had anyone out to look at it yet.
Then the wife’s phone wouldn’t boot up for a couple of days. It started working again, but for how long?
Now I was driving to work, and my truck, which I bought this spring with very low mileage gave me a check engine light and governed itself to fifty MPH.
I got it to the place we have work on our cars, which is where I am now. I’m going to be late for work.
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- I was really irritable when I got home this morning. This is partly because I hadn’t slept the day before. Hardly at all.
I get about five hours to sleep between my twelve hour shifts. Yesterday the dog needed to go out four times. That wouldn’t be a problem except that the wife, roommate, and the kid were all asleep. The wife slept until I got up as usual, and I don’t know when the roommate got up, but it was after the last time the dog barked to go out.
That means that my very limited sleep time got interrupted an average of once an hour while the other two adults in the house slept peacefully from whenever in the night they went to bed (usually pretty early) through the time I got home, through all of my sleep time, till I got up.
I usually don’t think about it, but that annoys the hell out of me. I’m really expected to pull all of the weight here. Yes both the wife and the roommate have some pretty serious medical stuff going on, but I do all of the money making that involves work, all of the house work (almost all anyway), all of the yard work, solve all of the problems, and make all of the decisions.
That really sucks.
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All of the “disasters” mentioned yesterday turned out to be not that harmful.
The wife’s phone came back online. It had way too many apps and she’s deleting them as we speak.
The garage door turned out to be the result of the wife parking too close to the wall and slightly bending the track. The guy showed up, fixed it in about thirty seconds, and when she asked what we owed he said “Merry Christmas”.
As for my truck, it turns out that when I went to an oil change place, they didn’t tighten the filter so I’d been leaking a LOT of oil. When it got below a certain level the computer put it into “limp mode” so the engine wasn’t damaged.
The bill wasn’t bad, and I promise you that the oil change place will be repaying me for it.
Also, I hadn’t mentioned this part. I had given the wife my debit card for something a few days ago during a snowstorm. She lost it if a few minutes and we couldn’t find it anywhere. I didn’t call it in because it had to be in the house.
This morning she found it because the snow melted off of it.
So what sounds like a very rough week turned out to be OK. -
I’ve had this happen a number of times on my subliminal journey. A bunch of crap goes wrong at once and I have time to figure out how to deal with it. Then it all turns out ok.
The difference I noticed this time was how calm I was about it. I felt a little stressed, but not much and I just worked the problems.
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OK, I’m starting to take some action. As much as I think that dating apps are trash, I just got on two of them. It is a potential Avenue for manifestation to happen and if I’m going to meet my womanizing goal for this program I have to start putting in the work.
So far no results, but it’s only been about four hours and it’s the middle of the Damn night. -
I’m going to have to find some other avenues too. I might start looking for the right kind of bar to to go to regularly. The problem with that is that I barely drink and have no plans to increase that.
Maybe just at least start conversations with likely looking women while I’m out and about.
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Happy New Year!
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I did not have a good end to the year last night and not a good start to 2023.
I thought I was doing fine with everything. Then halfway through the day yesterday I got a reminder of the wife’s extracurricular activities and it was back to anger came back. Worse than ever.
I got some insight into where Khan is leading me. I’m not sure I like it. The sales page says it’s about power, and it isn’t joking, but the road to that seems rough.
I am having a very difficult time accepting that anything or anyone in my world doesn’t conform to my will. Not getting my way is pissing me the fuck off more than it has since I was a little kid.
That forced me to look at some of the aspects of myself, or maybe some of the things that I want to be, want to let out that I would normally have considered less than flattering. I am oddly ok with them now. I accept them rather than recoiling from them.
I am less than convinced that that is a good thing, but they have always been there.
(Please note: Below I am speaking of that aspect of myself that I am getting a really good look at. This isn’t all of me, nor is it how I plan to behave)
First off, I want to be above the law. That person who is so powerful that anything he decides to do is considered right because it was him that decided to do it, and no one including him will ever question it. The rules should quite simply not apply to me.
I want to be able to impose my will on others and have them left entirely without the ability to resist or any recourse.
I want to be the person that no one can stand up to, and no one would dare to try.
I want to be willing and able to do what the fuck I want when the fuck I want and answer to no fucking one.
You know, like the Khan. The real one.
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I’ll be honest, looking at that side scares me.
I’ll be even more honest. It also thrills me to think that I can become even a small portion of that person. That isn’t a person I’d like if it were someone else, but I might well like it if it were me.
I recognize that this is Jung’s shadow, and that looking it in the eye, integrating it into my personality without flinching is part of my work. -
On the other hand, I’m not sure that my relationship with my wife and consequently my family is going to survive me continuing to run Khan.
This would have been the perfect program for me when I was young and single, but now there are other people to consider. There was conflict yesterday.
Perhaps it would be better if I switched to a Heartsong Mandate Eternal custom and spent the year on that.
I’ll ride out the rest of this cycle and we’ll see.
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- OK, what does all of this tell me? Let’s start with that I am starting to expect to get what I want. Otherwise it really wouldn’t piss me off when I don’t get it.
Well what do you know? I think that dominant people expect to get what they want, expect to be obeyed as a matter of course. And expecting something, thinking as a person who gets something, is the first step toward becoming one.
Ok, stage two IS doing something.
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**1/2/23 STAGE 2 CYCLE 2 WEEK 3 **
- As I mentioned I had some anger recon. Some serious anger recon over the weekend. It seems to be passing.
The sales copy for Khan says that stage two will make you question yourself. Boy are they not lying about that.
I am confused about a lot of things, and it’s like there are warring factions in my head.
On a number of issues one side seems to think that my old way of acting, the old way of seeing myself is better than I thought and I should be comfortable with that. The other advocates for stepping fully into the new way. The way I’ve always wanted to see myself and be.
I’m also thinking that maybe that won’t be as good as I thought if would be. The new against the old. Potential vs. comfort.
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You could try taking a few days off.
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I don’t think that’s a good idea. With this one it seems to me that I get the major growth and insights and the stuff I’m looking for after going through the periods of serious discomfort.
Unless I miss my guess, if I shy away from the rough patches instead of pushing through them I might slow my progress.
Khan isn’t supposed to be comfortable, and I suspect that the people who get stellar results with it are the ones who embrace the suck and lean into it until the walls are broken down.
I will of course be doing a washout week starting next week as scheduled.
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I’m feeling a lot better today. The recon or whatever it was has faded.
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What I have going on now is trouble envisioning success. I’ve always had issues with that, but I got some insight into it last year on my DR run. I can visualize the things happening just fine. The issue is seeing and feeling that it’s a real possibility and not just a fantasy.
I got a good view of what goes on there and came to call it “The Negator”.
More or less it is this mental voice that chimes in and says “that’s just a fantasy” whenever I envision something I want to achieve or something I want to happen that is beyond what My mental model of my life says is possible or probable.
This was a big part of the success ceiling effect that I originally started the year on DR to combat. Apparently it is still active, but at least I caught it this time. I’m cognizant that that is what is happening and how and why.
Specifically it was keeping me from initiating contact with women and couples in the ENM groups I’m fishing on.
Matter of fact I just paused writing this to “shoot my shot” as they say.
Now that I see that that is what is going on I think that it will be a lot more possible to push through it and get into the habit of taking action all the time.
If I do that, success is inevitable. -
I don’t know if I’d call what I’m getting “more assertive” or what. My wife was having a bad day and started going off on me over all kinds of picky little things like she used to.
I got angry and told her to stop using me as an emotional punching bag. I told her that I wasn’t going to stay around if this became a normal thing again.
She kept going for a while of course.
At one point she said that I don’t do anything around the house. Please note that I do most of the work around the house. I actually said “fuck you” which I have never said to her before.
Another thing happened that hasn’t before. The next day she apologized and admitted that she was frustrated about a bunch of other stuff and taking it out on me.
She said that she can’t take it out on our son, and can’t take it out on the roommate who causes a lot of it because she has issues of her own, but that “he can take it”.
I told her that I was here to support her, and going off to me about other stuff was ok, but that I’ve done punching bag duty enough for one lifetime and wouldn’t do it for her or anyone.
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I wound up shooting a couple of shots last night. I responded to a couple from one of the FB groups and I messaged a mutual like from a dating site.
The mutual like went weird.
By that I mean she was a little TOO eager, took the conversation really sexual really fast, and seemed way too willing to set up a meeting and against the normal protocols that a woman would take for her own safety. In short, something was off. Besides she wasn’t a very attractive woman so not worth walking through the field to find out if there are land mines. So I blocked her on the phone and the original app. Hopefully no trouble springs from this.
If I’ve learned anything it’s to trust my gut instinct about something not being right. -
That does bring up something else that has been happening. My standards have been going up, and that is not an entirely good thing. I am finding some of the women who I’ve been considering before not to be hot enough. That would be a great sign if I had actually been getting with any of them, but since I haven’t I’m taking it as a sign that my subconscious is trying to wiggle out of executing Khan and or Wanted in a way that I’ve seen guys here and at that other company.
That is when the increase in a guy’s standards increase faster than their ability to get girls.
I don’t recall if it was here or the other place, but I’ve actually seen a thirty something self proclaimed virgin say that he wouldn’t settle for anything less than a nine or a ten.
Sorry champ, but that is self sabotage.
Yes, it is possible to go from thirty year old virgin to pulling nines and tens. What isn’t going to happen in a million years is doing it in one step. It isn’t just with seduction goals. I saw, I think it was the same person, turn down a job offer because it paid “less than his goal” after not having his own source of income at all for years.
I’m going to have to watch myself for that.
I have no business saying that I won’t settle for for instance an eight or nine unless I’m regularly sleeping with sixes and sevens. I won’t fool myself into blocking execution like that.
I don’t think what I just did counts as that. This was more about my safety. I don’t know if it was a scammer of some kind, a robbery set up, or just a woman with problems. I don’t need to find out Thank You Very Much.
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- OK, so WE have a date tomorrow. That is the wife and I are going to see another couple.
We met them at the club we go to back in October. If you want to read that as fooled around with a bit, go ahead.
We exchanged numbers and at some point we texted them, but they didn’t answer so I figured they’d ghosted us.
Well, they texted back today and apologized for it taking so long. We’re meeting them for drinks tomorrow.
I’m really hoping something happens with the female half. She is short, very curvy and cute, with an extremely pleasant personality. Just my type.
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- I looked in the mirror tonight and there is no getting around it. I’m fat. It’s noticeable, very noticeable even though I’ve been doing a good job of not seeing myself that way for a while.
Hell, I’m a very good looking man, but the gut, if it doesn’t ruin everything, certainly does detract from the whole package.
I’m not ripping on myself here. This is something that I have always known and always denied. It needs to be fully acknowledged and faced if I’m going to do anything about it, and it has been a contributing factor to holding me back in several aspects of my life.
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- The hangout with that other couple last night went great. They were as cool in a bar as they were naked in a hot tub.
Nothing sexual happened or was discussed, but we had a real connection with another couple, and it was awesome hanging out with other adults for a few hours.
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- I went to the ENM coffee meetup this morning.
I wound up talking to this lady who I’ve known for a while. She is cool as hell and I think she might be interested in me.
Problem is, I don’t know how to put this mildly, but I have no sexual attraction to her whatsoever.
I mean I have a fairly wide range wjen it comes to women, but she is firmly in NO THANKS territory. I hope we’re still cool if I have to shoot her down.
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**1/9/23 STAGE 2 CYCLE 2 WEEK 4**
**WASHOUT WEEK #6**
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This cycle was a hell of a lot smoother than the last one was. Not nearly so many negative emotions crashing around, no real distress. I’m feeling nice and calm and pretty positive going into this washout.
I still don’t have a really good idea of what stage two is doing to me. It’s doing something, but I don’t have a whole lot of concrete examples where I notice that I’m thinking and acting differently. Don’t get me wrong, I may be and just not notice it at this point. I actually expect that that is the case with a SubClub product, but I haven’t had a “Damn, that’s different” Epiphany yet. -
I think that my realization that I’m fat has something to do with it. It’s kind of weird. I’ve always known that I’m fat, and I’ve been really self conscious about it for most of my life.
Hell, a good amount of the psychological damage that my cruel mother inflicted on me had to do with my weight. It was her favorite thing to rip on me and humiliate me about, and she did it constantly.
I’m kind of thinking about it on a different wavelength now. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t cause me to want to hide away in shame now.
I just realize that if I want to be as attractive as I think I should be (not to mention healthy) the overhang has to go. And I’m going to have to take some pretty drastic measures to make that happen. -
I haven’t been working out the last couple of weeks because my wife was sick and needed me to do stuff during the day pretty consistently.
She finally went to the doctor after me and the roommate bugging her for weeks and it turns out she had pneumonia. Not major. She was still pretty functional, but damn, she’s stubborn about that.
I’m going to re start year one of Bigger Leaner Stronger next week, and this time I’m going to be doing the diet portion strictly as well as the workouts.
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I just had a long talk with my Dad. He opened up a little about how bad my Mom treated him while they were married. There were some things that I didn’t know. She treated him with utter disrespect, disregard, and contempt.
It’s given me some insight into why my father was the way he was while I was growing up.
He’d been a low confidence kid, but twelve years with my mother followed by being discarded like a used Kleenex and picked clean like a Turkey carcass really broke him.
He was a good man who always “played it straight” and that doesn’t go well when you run into certain types of people.
That’s why he was angry all the time, negative beyond belief, and miserable. He didn’t have the tools that I do, so he never really recovered.
Yes, it had an effect on me, a huge and bad one. But I forgive him because I understand he was broken.
Mom was a psychopath or a narcissist, or some other personality disorder thing that involves not being able to see others as real people and having a need to exercise complete control over them.
That’s how she treated him, and after the divorce, it’s how she treated me.
That has a lot to do with the mental shit that I’ve been working through all of these years. -
Matter of fact, I think it may have something to do with why I’ve always had more difficulty approaching women, and making what I want clear to them.
Deep down, since you subconsciously base a lot of your assumptions ab the opposite sex on your opposite sex parent, I may think that women hurt people. Women are scary and likely to degrade, damage, and humiliate.
That’s from watching what she did to Dad, and going through what she tried to do to me after that. -
I have set the goal of doing at least one thing to reach out to a potential partner per day, and so far I’ve been following that.
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