Date & Time: Sunday, 10/02/2022 09:14:19 AM
Subliminals: DR Stg 2, LBFH
Day: 73
Notes:
I am still listening to DR 2 and LBFH, and I had just gotten off my 5 day washout as of yesterday, so I listened to these two again today, for one loop each.
I am noticing something very interesting; I’m noticing an entire deconstruction process occurring within myself. It is really interesting, but also really weird and somewhat scary at the same time. It’s like everything I’ve ever believed is being systematically changed - assumptions I’ve long held have started coming to the forefront of my mind, and I’ve begun to consciously question things.
Some examples are:
- Religion:
I was raised in a very conservative christian home, and in the past, if I noticed some disturbing behavior from myself, I always attributed it to being too far away from God - that somehow I had back-slidden to the point where I was out of control in some sense. Recently, I have noticed some disturbing behavior from myself, and I had this same thought, but I also had another thought - what if I just needed to try to do things another way? What if i was on the right path, and I just needed to push through a bit more before I hit the breakthrough?
- Women:
I have long idealized women in general; I think this stems from having a huge question mark in my mind regarding them. I’m a Sagittarius, so I like (no, rather need) to understand things in order to operate in them, and I think my having a controlling and critical mother made my need to understand women that much deeper. Unfortunately, as a man, I’m expected to operate in the frame of mind that I already have everything figured out, so I saw these two mindsets as diametrically opposed to each other - my needing to understand women at a fundamentally deep level and the need to display that I had already figured these things out. For a long time, I have been sitting out the dating game, just believing that I needed to understand women more. I would read books written by women, for women, as I held the belief that if you want to understand someone, a good starting point is to read what they read.
I have been reading romance novels, biographies, autobiographies, psychology about women, etc. I got a really good grasp of what women are like, fundamentally, and then started extrapolating, from that point, their behavior towards others and was trying to understand them from that point of view.
Out of the blue, the thought hit me, “You have been trying to understand women from a woman’s point of view, but this will never work, as you are not a woman; you need to understand women from a man’s point of view.” This may seem like common sense to some, but to me it was very profound, as I sort of had gotten lost in the forest because of all the trees, so to speak. I had been in this rabbit hole of more and more information about women, seeking to add to my understanding, but being frustrated, because I just couldn’t get it.
I mean, I got it intellectually - I got that women (in general) seek out men based upon how they make them feel, but I began to wonder what this meant exactly. I mean, how did men make women feel? More secure? More safe? More prepared? What exactly was it that women were looking for from men that men could provide? Did it change from the past, due to women not needing safety and security so much from men nowadays? (because of civilization, law enforcement, having their own jobs, the same access to resources, etc.) So, these were questions that were always going around in my mind, and I just didn’t know what to think. Oftentimes I wished I could climb into the mind of a woman and see life from her point of view, and see and feel what she saw and felt when she was around different types of men.
Well, this is the place I was in for a long time, and then my mind began to inform me that I had gotten lost in these questions and that this was not really the most important thing for me to understand. The most important thing for me to understand was how to get women that I wanted into the sorts of mindsets where they would be more accepting of a man like myself. Another thing to understand was what exactly I wanted in a woman, and to begin to not see women as one big group “women” but rather to begin separating them in my mind into various groups “women who are in sync with me and where I’m at in my life” vs “women who are not”. These were the more fundamental questions to begin focusing on because I can know (from a man’s perspective) what works and what doesn’t work - but I can never actually understand life from the mind of a woman, and what’s more, I would not be the kind of man women find attractive if I could, I realized.
Women need men for what they have that women don’t have. Men need women for what they have that they don’t have. I won’t go into specifics that I think fall into each category, because society has really loaded these ideas and terms and they are not pertinent for my documenting my train of thought here. Basically, men are not supposed to really understand women, because they are men and see the world in a whole different way to the way women do - ways in which benefit women, as a result of being with them. In the same way, women can’t see the world in the same way men do, and if they did, they would not be women and have those innate characteristics and traits that help to make men complete.
So, I have begun to see that my questions were flawed; I was seeking to understand women from only a woman’s point of view, but that is incomplete, because a woman is not complete without a man, and neither is a man complete without a woman - both need each other, for the other one has what they don’t, and sees the world in ways in which they are not capable of seeing it themselves.
The new question I’ve begun to ask myself is, “what are women like from a man’s perspective?” This takes the woman’s point of view out of the equation, and focuses only on those traits that men can understand about women.
- My own life:
I have long vacillated between what I should do with my life. My current job is good as a means to earn money and have a certain lifestyle; yet, it leaves me feeling very unfulfilled, believing I was meant for much more than what I’m currently doing. I believe I have the natural ability to tear apart complex ideas and structures and look at each one individually and then reassemble them back together into something completely different, that is much easier to comprehend and work with. When I am doing this sort of thing, it’s not work to me, I actually enjoy it - I find something of a challenge in trying to grasp these ideas and concepts that at first wholly elude me.
When I’ve actually told some people at work some advice for their situation, I’ve had a number of people ask me, point blank, “what the hell are you doing here?”, meaning that they also feel I should be doing something much more significant with my life - a feeling I’ve had since I was a child, but lacked the knowledge and self esteem to actually carry out.
Well, now, I’ve begun to seriously consider what other types of career paths I can be aiming towards. I had been doing this in the past, but not with this amount of urgency and clarity as I now seem to have.
Also, the things that I used to find bearable (not enjoyable) have become completely unbearable for me now; it’s like the idea of someday has been replaced with an urgency of “now”. I’ve found myself drawn, very significantly, to topics of the mind and working with it. Understanding why some people get “stuck” and questioning how to get them “unstuck”; contemplating what makes certain people more charismatic than others; pondering over the idea of stories, metaphors, symbolism, etc in language, etc, etc.
I also notice myself having a very deep desire to continuously push myself to get in better shape physically. This has always been a passion of mine, but it seems like every time I would get close to a routine of some sort, something would happen to completely derail me from it. In fact, this has been a recurring theme within my life for a long time, and I suspect it has to do with some sort of protective mechanism within myself.
So anyway, those are just a sampling of what I mean when everything is beginning to get deconstructed and I find myself questioning things I’ve long held as “truth” within my own mind.
On a more logistical level, I think I’m going to replace LBFH with Ascension this time through.
I’ve met a few women that I’m interested in (not deeply, just intrigued by I guess you could say), and I feel (on an intuitive level) that it is time for me to begin to shore up some of my weaknesses in regards to my identity as a man - meaning, not put a band-aid on areas and try to cover them over, but rather eradicate old wounds and replace them with solid healing so a band-aid is no longer needed.
I feel like this process is already occurring in a lot of areas in my life, and it’s time to start it going in the same direction in regards to my masculinity and identity as a man - as I didn’t have a dad growing up and never really learned (deeply, intuitively) my place as a man I think.
So, the process goes on.
