DR RED Journal 2024 - SubliminalGuy

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Day 8
St. 1 maybe 10 minutes ago
5 minute loop

I began DR St.1 last Thursday, so officially this is Day 8.

I’m kind of scared now. DR has me in between 2 norms, and I’m scared to go back.

Background: I just spent about 30 minutes in my first DR journal (2020). Living life in that mindset was funner than it is now, well, because I was less responsible for myself.

The tradeoff? I was (and am) alone. As I read that journal, I saw in my words that I was alone, but just barely felt it. So, why am I on DR again? Simple answer: the founders listened, and actually made one of DR RED’s aims to heal that tear in the soul, that painful tear of rejection at an early age.

This awareness started in me earlier in the year when I explored some other healing products from another online vendor. I’d been using some for over a month, and one (which I never bought) pointed out something which really stuck to me.

The product paired emotional healing with taking risks to go out and meet people. The logic:

If we continuously ignore out basic relational needs, we’ll eventually sabotage all efforts at healing. We’ll stop finding value or purpose in it. We’ll eventually forfeit it to focus on our most pressing needs.

I’ve found myself sabotaging healing for a number of years now, where I silently wanted to “stay put” while most were actually trying to heal. I was in 12 step rooms well over a decade (haven’t been in…more than 5 years), because I kept a continual aim to “heal, heal, heal”. I found some kind of identity in it.

I’ve also only been on less than a handful of dates my entire life. I met my ex-wife at church, and we’d dated in the early 90’s, so dating isn’t and hasn’t been my aim.

Ummm… I will admit I divorced in 2014. Our last sexual relations were in 2011, and I’ve dated 0 women since then.

Regarding sabotaging, I’ve been on and off subs here at SC–because I was afraid to admit that I really wanted to be with a woman. Yeah, I said that. I was used to finding women who would "lead me’. Gawd, it’s awful admitting that. Even 4 years ago (first run of DR), I felt young, weak, and small. I felt unattractive emotionally, and I feared rejection greatly. I only have been up to St. 2…but parts of me have changed using other subs. Emperor grew me more these last months than I’ve realized, yet those inner childhood fears and beliefs have pulled me back continuously.

Life has been small, and I’ve been seeing this more and more as months go by. And Fire increased some focus on addressing this in DR RED. From the sales page:

"A brutal string of rejections could cause you to forever abandon the prospect of dating, relationships and deep connections, leading to unhappiness, loneliness, abandonment issues, inability to trust, energetic disbalances and a plethora of other issues."

I can relate to everything stated there. This is why I’m on DR this time.

For seeking relationships, I’ve chosen to go with Primal. I still need to discuss my experience on Emperor simply because I never saw it as a relational sub.

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#2

Something I’ve noticed and wrote in a thread this morning is my emotional attachments (that I’ve placed literally everywhere) are being scrambled.

I was reading in my 2020 DR journal before starting this thread today, and I journaled a similar experience back then. We were driving through a neighborhood for work, but…none of the houses I recognized. I’d lived here a number of decades…but WHERE WAS I?

DR seemed to be disconnecting old memories and associations for me. And in the last 48 hours, I’ve had such experiences. But this time, it’s with people. Like I know them and what they’re like, but how I respond internally is changing.

Damn, DR is active. It moves fast.

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#3

Day 9
Genesis this morning. 5 minutes

I remember a line from the Renaissance Man sub saying “some people just aren’t ready for that level of freedom.”

DR’s been digging into my fears, and having taken off work today, I allowed that fear to rise up. And like I normally do, I got up and made some coffee. I was trying to hang on to a sense of yesterday’s emotional success…and that’s when it hit me.

I react to my housemate, me thinking I’m obligated to make him happy. I often feel guilty for…not making him happy (<— that’s childhood thinking. I felt this around my mom). Then, a LOT of me says FU to memories of him criticizing and projecting his shit onto me.

–Right when I thought and wrote “projection”, I wondered…if I am projecting my stuff onto him. I am. Well, let me be specific.

I view him as being angry and demanding. Do I treat myself this way? …I do. Angry and demanding means “do what I say no matter how you feel about it!” That’s the shield I walked into the kitchen with (he’s in his room, but I clearly heard his TV on, spilling political divisiveness.) While out there, I realized I’d not listened to my 2nd title yet, and I immediately went to Emperor in my head. I wavered. Here’s my true thoughts.

“But (a forum member) will like me if I listen to Emperor”
“And I’ll feel miserable since it feels hard emotionally.”

Emperor was rarely a hard title to run–but something came up in my last few weeks on it. I began disconnecting emotionally, and it was from myself. Something felt very incongruent internally. I wondered if it was some forced…not sure. It just felt uncomfortable. The resilience was what kept me on it so long, and that draws me back.

But I was afraid of some sort of recon this morning, so I went with Genesis for 5 minutes. I desired the willingness to try new things in my head (risk-taking). I wrote a support ticket yesterday asking if it would work with St.1, but no answer yet. My biggest concern is whether the emotional transmutation in Genesis would conflict with St.1’s work.

–Lastly. I felt low when imagining pulling off this post. When I’ve not had “shields” to hide behind (meaning successes, unique experiences, etc), I feel…worthless and vulnerable. I experienced this leaving work 2 days ago. DR was activating, and it was pushing all those mental “hideouts” away. So…that’s what’s happening now.

It’s also my birthday, which is why I took off. I’m realizing the new DR is prompting more action. I’ll see what my day brings…or …what do I want to do?

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#4

Another reason I felt drawn towards Emperor this morning:

Taking action on financial opportunities. Back on previous runs of DR, I often felt disconnected from such “real world” opportunities, as I’d spent some time on EOG and even subs from other vendors before I ever started at SC. My mindset was always seeking out “this is possible” opportunities.

I just emailed my trader, who gave me some possible returns on a small amount I’d proposed a week ago. His returns were based on some newer crypto coins he’s eyeing, and I asked for updates on returns since I sent a smaller starting amount just days ago.

Back to DR and money focused themes, I’m very, very grateful Fire put in money scripting, because I admitted to my trader that I hit a snag with my own trading platform last week. I was setting up the bots to paper trade, and…something got in my head. But it did have an old sense of helplessness. And I stopped, thinking something might be processing, and possibly it resolving. It didn’t happen.

But I did take action by emailing him. I said I’d go into the bots again today. I’m emotionally trying to seize up thinking of that. I also shared the hope I have that DR might help dissolve such old barriers, quoting from the DR page directly"

A lack of funds for basis sustenance could lead one to become so stringent with their funds that they never allow themselves the possibility of taking risk – and therefore stop themselves from seizing greater opportunities for fear of going through those very same negative experiences. An inability to allow opportunity and wealth to flow within your life that leads to stagnancy and a deep dissatisfaction with one’s life.

I’m gonna continue taking some action. DR is busy.

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#5

Day 10
Rest day

I’m uncomfortable. Because I’m holding on to limitations.

Last night, I began writing, searching for a why. I’d been exploring financial possibilities for an hour already, and I realized…that I am blocking my own way. I limit myself.

I used to find scapegoats, or anyone or anything to blame for me staying still and refusing to act with courage. It was…it is cowardice.

I always look for the easy way. I’ve always done that. With women, money, jobs…ANYTHING. I was seeing this last night. Because in everything as well, I only get small returns. I make enough to survive. I talk to women in passing, but have never truly pursued one. I even have a trading system halfway set up. It’s not finished. I feel a fear of facing and finishing things.

How can I change this?
Do I want to change this?

Fear is what I’m used to looking for.

I see a beautiful woman looking at me. I’ll look for a few seconds, but check in with my normal mindset, and I look for exactly and only that: fear. I retreat.

I’ll have a business opportunity land in my lap. Easy to do. Very profitable. Very little time required (vs. my regular job). I could jump out of my job! But…I know…and I seek…fear. I will see myself (in my mind) not following through. Like succeeding threatens this hold on fear. I’ve faced this so often that even looking for opportunities is, in my mind, a pointless endeavor.

Real story. I paid a few hundred dollars for a crypto earning setup about 4 or 5 months back. I paid for them to set it up. All I had to do was connect it to some exchanges. Fear rose, I began imagining not following through, and yep. I didn’t. I’ve ignored that since that time.

Why does succeeding scare me so?

I’ve held on to fear like a young child holds on to a stuffed bear. For some strange reason I call this security.

That is exactly how I think.

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#6

Belated Happy Birthday, my friend!

Here’s to even more brilliant reslizations and breakthroughs!

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#7

Thanks @Lion. I’m definitely stirred right now. I’ve been writing, imagining being bold and strong, forgetting about things called…“limits”.

Yeah, imagining this is GOOD!

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#8

I highly recommend this book:

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#9

Funny. I was in my first DR journal yesterday (2020), and RVconsultant suggested that same book back then. I was struggling with…I was blaming my sister for everything.

I never looked into it.

But I had a major switch happen in me while having a post-Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family. I laughed and joked freely. I was seriously relaxed. It wasn’t until I took a bathroom break after dinner that I wondered “Why aren’t I all pissy and miserable like I’d imagined?” And it dawned upon me. I came in her home and dropped all my expectations. No “shoulds”. No passive “You’re not meeting my demands!” No, none of that.

When I returned home, I owned the truth that I’d created the stress. I’d created the tension. I’d been pointing this shit at her for years.

I took the stranglehold off our relationship. And I did that too.

I’m wondering…if I can change that with my housemate. My own expectations are what keep me angry.

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#10

Day 11
Rest day

The rebellion scripting is kicking in, I’ve been trying to deny it, but it’s not backing off.

Which is a good thing.

I got out this morning, went shopping for some cooking supplies, and I detoured to a fast food joint on my way home. That’s where I am now. I tend to be unhappily submissive around my housemate–which is why I detoured. Part of me is NOT ok with it.

The images I’m reacting to in my head aren’t working.

I began shaking (crying) sitting here. DR is working on emotional roots, not intellectual. Gonna allow it.

I’m also listening to an emotionally romantic tune on the room speakers here. Yeah, I’m a softie. Even my daughter pointed that out yesterday. Guilty.

–Regarding the housemate, I’ve been actively and intentionally avoiding him. LB brought this out in me.

#11

Yes, I know that feeling so well.

I knew for a few months now, that I wanted to start a sales career. But did I do anything for it?
I looked up companies, tried to get a voucher from the job center for some free and good training but I never was really behind it.
I minor obstacle? Oh, I can’t do it then.
Did I call just one time? No. I didn’t.

I had two more possibilities besides the voucher. One with regular pay and one without regular pay, but with very good provisions. Both with good training.

Then I started Ascension. And within a week I applied for the sales trainee position without regular pay. On Thursday I have my onboarding/ Interview.

One big point I needed was self esteem, the feeling that I’m actually good enough and the determination to actually take action.
And Ascension delivered fast.

I don’t want to crash your stack since your making good progress, but perhaps for the future, it might help you as well.

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#12

Thanks for your encouragement @Parsifal. I am definitely moving that direction! :muscle:

#13

If you find the time, look through my recent posts. I wrote a few times, that Ascension is underrated because it’s called a beginners sub, when its really a foundational sub, explaining it a bit more detailed.

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#14

Happy birthday, man!

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#15

Hey Buddy, what’s up?
I hope you’re ok.

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#16

Sending love in your direction :heart:

#17

From me, too. Hope everything is well.