Intro
As stated in my previous journal, I will be experimenting with using the following Ultima subs as a stack:
- SanguineU
- BLU
- Limit DestroyerU
As I stated there, my reasons are as follows:
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Day1(early update)
I started my experiment last night by playing 1 loop each of the 3 ultimas, while also listening to binaural beats with the brain wave app on my phone. Not sure if it was the stack but I had some weird dreams last night. Don’t remember much about it though as it started to fade once I got up from bed. It had something to do with the lab I used to hang out at during my college days. Back then, you had to associate with a laboratory in order to finish your undergrad project/thesis. In my dream, although things and people changed there, I found myself sleeping in one of the bunks there (to allow the students to rest while working on their projects overnight), and then waking up the next morning to new faces. And yet, they didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, I felt that some knew me somehow. Also, there were about 1 or 2 familiar faces but my recollection has become murky now, so I don’t know.
I also recall dreaming of talking animals, but that too is like a vague thing now.
Started my day as usual. Started off by meditating and then listened to SanguineU.
Not surprising, I feel more upbeat than usual. Although I’m still sleepy, I feel more optimistic today. Am currently listening to LDU right now and will be playing BLU after.
I’m aiming for 2-3 loops each today, but I guess it depends on whether or not it’s possible as I have a few meetings scattered throughout the day. So let’s see how it goes.
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Day1(Update)
Got to listen to 2 loops of each sub. Am aiming for 1 more loop each. Right now, I feel rather meh.
Got to meet with a few of my kids’ teachers. Sometimes, I get the feeling like “Are we talking about the same kid?” But then I realize, that just like adults, kids have different personas that they display depending on who is around them.
As for work, been virtually non-existent still. Have a meeting in a few minutes. Will try to squeeze some in before that.
DAY1(final update)
Meeting today was more meh. I asked questions during the meeting, even though I knew I wouldn’t get any adequate answers. I don’t even know why I asked them, as it only made the meeting so much longer.
Got to listen to 3 loops per sub since I woke up this morning. Part of me is expecting a massive headache, though another part of me wants to keep going.
Feeling very sleepy now. Maybe because of too much information being pumped into my brain. Need to study a little more, yet somehow I feel that it’s useless cramming so much info with so little time.
Will probably sleep early then. And maybe play binaural beats while I sleep while also playing 1 loop each. Not sure if it will help. As I said this morning, I woke up last night with my earphones off. So if they’ll keep falling, will it be any effective?
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Wow, that’s going to be interesting, you’re going against the grain. Break a leg! 
Any breaks between the loops?
Depends really. Sometimes, I pause about 5-15 minutes between BLU and LDU. But almost always I take about an hour in between sets.
Thanks
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DAY2(early update)
Finished playing 1 set of subs. Will probably play another set later this afternoon or evening. Depending on my interview. The thing is, I’ve been to a lot of interviews before. But this is probably the most terrifying for me. I’ll be interviewing with 5 different people 1 after the other.
I know I should try to relax and all that, but I just can’t. It’s both excitement, confusion, and fear I guess. I want to do my best, and at the same time, I don’t want to look like an idiot stumbling for words.
DAY2(update)
I f’ckn screwed up. Of 3 coding questions, I only got 1 and it was via brute-force method. While the other, I just literally froze and wasted the time talking gibberish. The other 2 interviews, although still technical, I’m not sure if I particularly impressed them.
So yeah. I highly doubt I’d get a call back.
Oh well, I guess chalk this up as a learning experience then. I really need up my game. I still have other companies willing to interview me. Though, I’m not really sure if I’m willing to go through that humiliation again.
Day2(final update)
So after that f’ck up of mine, I decided to still play my “stack”. Started off with SanguineU and then 5 minutes later, BLU. About 30 minutes after BLU, my wife tells me that I don’t look depressed. In fact, I was able to play with my kids and horse around with them.
So yeah, either SanguineU helped me feel much better, or I’m starting to be able to hide it better from my wife (who by the way, knows me like the back of her hand, so I can’t really lie to her about anything).
An hour later after BLU, I decided to continue with LDU. And, the first thing I did after LDU ended, I started to do that side-research project for the office. The one that basically shows how crappy our product is. This time, I’ve got a “permission” from my boss, who agreed that I should conduct “some” tests on our product. Although, I worded it to him in a more “reasonable” manner.
So yeah. Not sure if this “stack” is helping me a little with my productivity also, or maybe I’m just channeling all these emotions to a more “constructive” manner. In fact, I don’t recall getting mad today (which is good).
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DAY2(final final update…hopefully)
Just a thought really. My field is such a broad field, and I’ve been applying to various jobs that, although I have some experience, I am not really a master of. In fact, I have been following the path of being a “jack-of-all-trades, master of none”. And maybe this thinking is actually more detrimental? Maybe I should either focus on applying to jobs that I know I am good at? Or improving skills that I know I am already good at, but could be improved further?
I recall mentioning something like being anywhere but here. But without any specific place or goal, I’m just wandering about. And maybe I should look for a specific spot.
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I got the same thing sometimes. If I’m going “Anywhere But Here,” I have but to take one step and there I am. I sometimes struggle knowing what I want and where I want to be in 6 months, or even tomorrow.
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Yeah. Maybe that’s why I’m not really getting anywhere. Maybe because I don’t really know what I want? I guess that’s the challenge really. Even simply stating that my goal is a million bucks by age xx isn’t really a goal but a dream. How do you get there is the thing really. Or getting a million bucks by doing so and so. Without a path, it’s like praying you simply win the lottery without even actually buying a ticket.
DAY3(early update)
Dreams, goals and aspirations…
Not really sure now where the differences lie. Every thing I try and do doesn’t feel like it’s amounting to anything really.
Maybe it’s time to step back and try to rebuild myself? I’ve been pushing myself so much lately, I feel like a horse being whipped to pull the wagon. Unfortunately, I’ve been pulling it and whipping myself far too long.
Woke up this morning feeling and hoping that I could just hide under the covers. But given that kids have classes and I have work, I grudgingly got off the bed. Did my morning meditation, but it didn’t feel like meditating really. As my mind kept floating away to various things both past experiences and wishful thinking.
Played SanguineU hoping for some bit of positivity. Currently listening to BLU as I still have a lot of work to do. Will start LDU after.
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DAY3(update)
Talked to my boss this morning. Presented what I’ve been doing and showed him some things I saw that could be problematic with our product. He liked what he saw, but wanted me to respond to the email wherein his boss would like see and respond. I’m like, why can’t he do it himself? Looks like he’s just covering his ass or something.
Afternoon meeting was a waste of time really. I could have worked on something else entirely. Instead, had to sit through 2 hours of meh. Started having a headache by the end of the meeting.
Had to take a short nap before dinner. Now, my head is hurting, but at least manageable still.
DAY4(early update)
Woke up still sleepy. But was able to force myself to get off the bed.
While meditating, there’s a few things that popped up:
- I just realized that my wife has been h*rny the past few days. In fact, she’s been waking me up all touchy-feely for a few nights now. The thing is, I have not been listening to LibertineU. Unless one of the subs I have been using was mistakenly labeled, I don’t know why this is happening. And yet, I’m not complaining. I mean, why should I?
- Another thing I noticed was that I’ve been getting some stuff from work that I have not really appreciated before. I got a giveaway pingpong set which included paddles, ball and net (though a table would have been nice also) which arrived a week ago, and that my kids have been constantly playing with since it arrived. I also got a BestBuy giftcard off a raffle a couple days ago (though it’s not enough to buy a new PS5, I could at least use it to buy a new game). So I guess I should still be grateful even if the environment is crappy.
Maybe I am starting to realize that there is something to appreciate even if things are falling down everywhere.
As of now, I’m really thinking of getting DR. Not because I want to join the bandwagon, but I’ve been seriously considering either:
- Restarting Khan (particularly ST1 breakdown)
- Regeneration/RebirthU
- something that has a lot of healing, breaking down and rebuilding.
And it seems that DR fits just that. Not sure though if I can handle the expected reconciliation. But then again, it just might be fear? Fear of revisiting past trauma? Fear of facing my mistakes? Fear of accepting who I was and who I currently am? Fear of the unknown?
Since today’s a Friday, I can take the next 2 days off and then come Monday, decide whether or not to go through with it.
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DAY4(update)
Not sure if it’s SanguineU, but I also noticed that I feel calmer most days. I don’t recall getting extremely mad throughout the week. I still get frustrated, but not to the point of going red in the face and smoke coming out of my ears every time my kids don’t sit still.
In fact, one of my kids had a blowup earlier. Instead of my normal reaction of getting mad also, I had him calmed down. So yeah. Maybe it is SanguineU. And maybe because I’m using purely Ultimas, I don’t feel much reconciliation.
Will see how this weekend goes as I’m trying to have it as my rest day. Though I’m still pondering on whether or not I should go with DR come Monday. Given that I’m getting a better handle on my emotions now, I’m not sure how I would be able to handle it with DR. Maybe something like 2 loops DR, and 1 loop each of SanguineU and ElixirU/RebirthU?
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DAY5(early update)
So today’s going to be a break day for me. Not sure whether I will continue with this “experiment” come Monday, go back to my previous stack, or start with DR.
Watched Knives Out last night and got me wondering. Can a whole bunch of people really be that heartless? The quote “In for a penny, in for a pound” stung a bit. Going all in is good if it’s going to help. But if it’s for selfish reasons? Am I that willing to go all in?
DAY5(update)
Turns out I was not looking for earphones the whole day. Only played music but mostly on my phone’s speakers. Seems break days are becoming easier for me.
Today was mainly boring and lazy. Didn’t have to do much work (except for the normal house chores). Even got to sleep shortly after preparing my kids’ breakfast and writing today’s earlier journal entry. Woke up at noon. Surprised I was able to sleep that long. Was even more surprised that the kids didn’t fight or make much noise to let me and my wife sleep in that long.
Got a couple of times when my temper flared up. But never to the point of actually boiling over. Even without SanguineU today, I was mostly chill.
Will probably chill tonight and watch some Netflix.
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DAY5(final update)
Given that I have finished watching a movie, I decided to do a little bit of “studying”. So my wife came up to me shortly thereafter, and asked what I was doing. She said, “Are you watching or working? It’s a weekend, you shouldn’t be working.”
My reply was simply, “Just working on my hobby.” Not sure why I replied with that. Although technically I wasn’t “working”, nor was I watching during that time. But it seems that finding things to wrack my brain with has become a “hobby”, or a pastime I guess. Maybe that’s why I find no joy in working my office projects? Although I still wrack my brain with some of them, they are easier to work on, once started. Whereas my “hobby” is constantly striving to learn. I wonder. If only I can get paid just to learn new stuff?
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Sometimes my wife asks me if I’m working…and I know she means working for the job…but I may say “Yes, I’m working on my empire.”
She doesn’t roll her eyes as much as before.
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