Figured it was time to stop lurking and actually start a journal.
A few years ago I hit a pretty deep low, which forced me into real self-development and shadow work. Actually sitting with my own darkness and patterns. About half a year ago I found Subclub, and it fit right into where I was already heading.
I started with Ascension and Primal. That combo gave me back some backbone, stripped away a lot of softness and made me more honest about what I actually want as a man. Primal made me much more loose and enjoyable to be around (I can be quite serious). After a while I added Wanted, with DR:LD occasionally for integration. That was my main stack for quite a while. Wanted gave me a softer, magnetic charm – women felt comfortable, curious, kind of dreamy around me. I work in an office with many women and it made my daily interactions so much easier. DRLD helped the identity shifts actually sink in instead of just bouncing around my head. I had a quick excursion with GLM+E:E but it made me too serious and dull, even though I was very productive. After that I moved to Wanted+Primal+Emperor Fitness St1 for a while.
Current stack: Wanted Black, Khan, Emperor Fitness
Then I moved into Khan. Stage 1 really did what the copy says: stripping down, confronting insecurities, breaking old patterns. A lot of old wounds came up – especially around women, rejection, self-worth and power – but this time I stayed with it. I journal daily, log my days in detail, and use that to spot patterns instead of just drowning in emotion. When the recon hit, I didn’t run from it; I observed it, adjusted my listening when needed, and kept taking small actions anyway.
Now I’m on Khan ST2 with Wanted Black and Emperor Fitness as the backbone (with DRLD on some days for extra integration). Khan2 is where the rebuilding started in earnest. I’m becoming much clearer on who I am and what I tolerate in work, sex and relationships. I call out disrespect in my relationship instead of swallowing it. At work I pick up heavier assignments, push through, and finish them. My threshold for bullshit is lower, but I’m also more grounded about it. It’s less “drama” and more “this is my standard.”
Wanted Black has shifted my presence compared to Wanted OG. I’m in an unfulfilling relationship but am not in the position to leave soon, but I still love how WB makes me feel around women. OG made women feel at ease and enchanted; WB makes things heavier, darker, more sexually charged. I notice it at work, in shops, restaurants, the gym, the mall – the overall atmosphere around me is different. My day-to-day life feels far more charged and polarized than before.
I’ve thought up a roadmap for myself for the coming months. I’m in a stable situation right now and can afford to do some heavy work on myself.
- Now: WB + Khan + EF
- After: WB + Khan Black + EF
- Then, Khan re-run: WB + Khan + DR Red
- And KB re-run: WB + Khan Black + DR Gold
Yes, I know. The idea is to run through Khan and Khan Black initially with WB + EF as the spine, then come back for reruns of both: Khan paired with Dragon Reborn Red for deeper deconstruction and emotional excavation, and Khan Black with Dragon Reborn Gold to crystallize and refine the new identity. I know this is a very intense and heavy path, but I’ve seen by now that I handle intensity extremely well: the recon comes, I write it out, I observe, adjust, and keep moving. The positive changes I’ve made in such a short time have been surreal. I have a lot of deep insecurities regarding my relationship to women and my sexual preferences and I’m going through all of it hard-handed.
This is all about building a stable, rising baseline. Stronger identity, better relationships with women, higher standards, more grounded power, and a sex life that actually fits who I am. This journal will be where I drop digested versions of my personal logs and observations as all of that unfolds. I kept it very general so far but will be somewhat more detailed in next entries.