Yeah. I’ll take it one moment at a time. I’m in a bookstore sipping coffee now.
What we get used to and call normal can be amazingly unhelpful. One change at a time 
1 Like
It seems like women are showing up constantly. Me hiding in a bookstore ain’t working 
1 Like
LOOOL, don’t get your ass distracted bro!!
I’m kinda a little bit jealous, I’m working on my sexual/relationship RN and everything is closed down! Only tinder left. How are things going where you live?
1 Like
No lock down yet. And I’m reading that worldwide lockdowns are coming on.
I can only empathize with people living in areas strictly enforcing it. That would absolutely suck. I know you’re from another country, so I’m sorry to hear that you’re under lockdown presently. I’m in the US.
What’s quite relevant here is that I was reading 1984 in the bookstore. I bought it since I’d learned that it was banned and out of stock in many places. Lockdowns are insane. That’s a whole nother topic though. I won’t hash that out here
1 Like
I hate lockdown (like I’m still recuperating from my knee surgery) because it is part of social life going out. I’ve been affected since they closed the dance floor! Usually I go out every friday night to party and dance just because I like it!
1 Like
@GoldenTiger, lockdown does suck. I realized I am an official “armchair critic” since I’m not under lockdown presently. My ranting has stopped since it’s freaking unfair to those dealing with it.
I had a lot of realizations and memories of realizations today.
For example, my ex-wife texted me today saying she had old pictures and some documents, and she wanted to send them to me, or possibly drop them off when she’s down here for Thanksgiving. Her parents live locally.
Ok, I’m feeling it now. I realized days ago…that in part I’m being faithful to her still, after 6 years of divorce. It may be enmeshment actually since I have had honest emotions, and fear and desire come up equally. I’m wanting something, but it’s a closed door for me–so I try and desire anyway. Enmeshment? Yeah. Blurry lines of who’s in control, for I traded a lot of honesty with myself for an actual relationship with her.
But relationships must be honest, fair, and mutually agreeable. I’ve also not admitted here (recently anyway) that she’s engaged to a dude. She introduced him saying “he has your same personality type”. I wish her well. I hope she stays in a relationship. This will be her 3rd marriage. She was my 1st.
Thank you SubClub. Your subs are helping me grow up.
2 Likes
Subtle things are changing. And it’s my 2nd rest day.
I usually have to find something of value to write here. In months and years past, I’ve actually not written if something big and grand wasn’t on my mind. I felt a need (fear really) to impress anyone/everyone.
I woke up just accepting myself, right where I’m at. And writing now, my old mind began looking for old ways I’d always done this. 'Fear has led me, steered me, and pulled me around regularly.
Not sure what’s actually doing this, and I like it. Thank God for little changes 
.
I woke up half an hour earlier to put on Elixer, and now I’m running my custom. It’s been over 30 minutes on my custom.
I felt lonely when I first began writing. And I’m having a new awareness on my custom, maybe the 2nd time I’ve felt it: New Beginnings.
NB has checked me before while running Emperor, so that’s why I recognize it. It feels like a mix between “wow, this is cool” and “we’re going down a dangerous emotional slope”. Hard, no scary to describe, for me. It advertises it’ll dig out deeply hidden fears, so right there is “cool” and “oh shit!” mixed.
Yeah, I feel a need to cry something out now. I thought I’d wake up and do my normal emotional masking to myself–meaning no pain rising. At least, I thought and tried that.
A fear I’m seeing: I thought of Saint when he was using NB in his custom sub a year back. I wanted to write about him. NB checked me. My fear is paying attention to and being caring towards myself. Talking about others is my “caring front”, a distraction from me. Caring about myself, well, I’m learning that. NB is working on me.
I think I’m sensing why he pulled off the forum for a period while using it. NB is very personal.
Warning. Long post.
I’m considering DR. I noticed the discussion thread the first time today. I’m like “fuck, this is what I’ve been looking for”.
Which brings up something I thought of today. I’m still trying to process it.
As NB was working on my mind today, a thought I’d never owned came up. An inner part of me has treated every part of my negative history like it needs to be thrown out. Rejected. Discarded. Hidden away.
How it came up was very relevant. While at work, I remembered some eggs me and my brothers had hid one Easter when we were at my aunt’s house. I was maybe 7. But weeks later, we were outside her house, and one of us found some of the well-hidden eggs in the drain pipe under her driveway, rotting.
I had been criticizing people today in my head who treat all their physical garbage (even unused stuff) like it’s disgusting and needs to be out of sight, out of mind.
The connection is that I work in the garbage industry, and I see that a lot. I was on a truck all day, and I was pasting this image onto people I saw for a while.
Then NB made it click for me. I’ve thought my past, my mistakes, my failures, my negative feelings…almost everything about me…needs to be discarded. Hidden. Buried. Shamefully removed.
I’m seeing I’ve identified myself with my past, my mistakes, my failures, my negative feelings.
I realized, and am still realizing, that that’s how I view my life. Sounds like suicide talk looking at my words, but I’ve not gone there in any way mentally, just FYI. However, I will insert this. I’ve thought of asking Saint or Fire if DR has the health codex (name?) module. I have realized in years past that despite all the health info I’ve looked into and practice, some part of me has me eating and drinking crap foods, and I’m experiencing some results presently. Why do I do this? Because some part of me wants me to fail, to not succeed, and to not be valued. (I think it’s the victim mentality thing too, desiring someone to save me from my bad choices)
I also wonder why I feel weak emotionally, and it’s because I don’t value myself. I really don’t actively support myself in a lot of my life. I worked with a rather mature bilingual Haitian man today, and I struggled telling him of things I actually needed today–even though he’d mentioned them first, inviting me to speak up when needed. I needed some break time. I needed some lunch at a decent hour (he and another usually don’t eat lunch until 3, nor take breaks.) We started around 630AM. I just felt like I’d be scolded for asking. I finally did though, for both. But I still felt like a little kid.
I was fearful of valuing myself. My only connection to why is “I’d be acting better than my mother” and possibly rejecting her daily destructive lifestyle. And rejecting her.
Just ranting. DR is sounding better. I just finished listening to my custom. I’ll sleep on it–and my custom’s been handing me stuff almost daily. Regarding DR, it’s yes, no, yes, no. Value myself, disregard myself…uhhh.
2 Likes
I put myself in that panicked rush last night, and I woke up this morning realizing fear was in charge. At this moment, I’m going to hold off on DR. This may change.
Listening to Elixer right now.
1 Like
From what I know of you, DR might be right up your alley. I know that you’ve been struggling to make certain breakthroughs for a long time. That sounds like something that might help.
Please don’t take this as talking down to you. It might be a major help for me too.
1 Like
You’re right. I have been working on this a long time.
I’ve been in my own way a lot too. I’m thinking now, after listening to Elixer and putting my shields down…that letting go has been a weak spot for me. Trying to be in control has often given me negative results
And DR is about letting go of old unhelpful ways.
Thank you @COWolfe
No problem. I’ve got some of the same stuff going on.
1 Like