- Off day two. Last night was rough. I’ve been feeling angry for a while and my wife decided to very insistently ask me about it. I did tell her a little, and I don’t think she liked it. I really don’t care. Don’t ask me for honesty if you can’t handle it.
When I woke up, I had a clearer view of what was really going on in my head. I’ve somehow dug into a lifetime of repressed resentment. A lot of it was aimed at my wife, but it’s a problem I’ve had a lot longer than that.
It stems from my relationship with my father. He was an emotionally broken person, but hypercritical and very aggressive toward me. That put me in a bad place. He was verbally and mentally abusive, but he was also (or I thought) so weak and vulnerable that I couldn’t fight back or leave the situation because I was afraid he’d kill himself.
That lead to there being a pressure cooker of rage somewhere in my head.
This is reconciliation in a way, but it’s something I need to go through.
**CYCLE 2 WEEK 3**
I still have the impression that that one loop of DominusT made some major deep changes, but I’m really having a hard time telling what those are.
Had a very long argument with the wife when I brought it to her attention that she was starting to become very critical again. We didn’t get loud, but she got back in the mode where she has to win every conflict. Something came to light when we calmed down though, that might actually be useful information. I may have a disorder which prevents me from processing information that I hear unexpectedly. It’s a pretty odd one. If someone speaks to me while I’m concentrating on something else, I hear the noise, I even hear the words, but it doesn’t process as something that pertains to me. While if I’m listening to someone, I hear and understand just fine. I hear it but I don’t. It’s almost as if my reticular activation system is set to exclude too much or otherwise doesn’t work right. This often gives people the impression that I’m ignoring them, and has been a factor in me losing a job where I had to be alert for radio traffic.
I’m not sure if anything can be done about it, but I’m going to talk to an audiologist as soon as I can.
Hey, @SaintSovereign and @Fire is this something you could help with if I dropped the money for a real custom? (as opposed to a Q store custom)
what…how’s this work?
They had a custom option before. It costs a minimum of $700, but if they can do it and it solves my odd problem, it could be worth it. I would think that they could. It seems it might just be a matter of getting my subconscious to recalibrate my reticular activating system.
@COWolfe surprised that you (or anyone, for that matter) remembers the “total custom” option.
Hmm…could this be a self-generated condition? Have you tried anything else to solve this before?
It’s still there as far as I know.
It might be self generated depending on what you mean by that, but it’s not under my direct control. All I’ve tried is “paying attention” like everyone and their gerbil told me to. It doesn’t work. I miss things when I’m not expecting them and I’m paying attention to something else.
The last few days have been interesting. I’ve been having some of my old negative thinking crop up, but no sooner does that voice speak in my head than another one explains why the negative one is full of crap. I’ve tried that technique before, but I had to force it to happen and the negative voice always Seemed to just be there. Now the positive one seems to do the same thing, and seems truer and stronger. There is still a battle going on in my head, but I am definitely winning.
I am getting a clearer conscious picture of what is going on in the background of my mind and more insight into why. It’s just there. I am aware of thoughts I’ve been having for years but not really been aware of.
- I felt super positive this morning.
The time that I’m getting ready for my day has historically been the time that my negative inner voice speaks up the most. Not today. The positive voice spoke up spontaneously today. It said that I would meet my professional goals and our financial problems were almost solved, and there was actual feeling behind it. There was no negative thinking at all.
I noticed the instant automatic positive voice effect again today. I’ve got to attribute that to Inner Voice. That’s a refreshing change from Instant Automatic Negative Voice which I’d had for the proceeding thirty five years or so. Inner Voice is one powerful module.
I’ve felt extremely energized during my loops this week. I still feel it swirling around on the outside of my skin, but it’s inside of my body as well. It makes me want to stand up straighter and do something. It kind of tingles. Feels like I’ve been carbonated. Last week it was making me feel a bit restless, partly because I don’t have the opportunity to do much. This week it just feels good. I always feel it when the subs are running, and sometimes do when they aren’t.
I forgot to mention it, but last Weekend I got going on cleaning up the house which became a bit of a disaster area while I was working double. I had plenty of energy once I got going and it felt really good once I was done.
I was thinking about what has changed recently as I drove home yesterday. It occurred to me that my mind is all going in one direction now. Before, whenever I was setting goals and or trying to manifest something, I’d be able to visualize the outcome I wanted with some effort. However, throughout the process, id also be spontaneously visualizing it not working at best, and failing spectacularly at worst. I hadn’t been able to stop it even though I knew it was bad. I didn’t realize how much it was really getting in my way. Now that that’s changed, I think from just one loop of DominusT, it’ll be much easier to make things happen.
Odd sensation while I was running my T loop. It felt like I had a very light electrical current running from both of my ears and meeting in the middle of my head. Other than that, I’m didn’t feel much while it was running. If this week is like last, I’ll feel the impact later.
I’m getting the impression that like I said before, Q works like an oil finish on wood. You rub it onto the surface and it soaks it’s way down over time. I think that T starts at a deeper level and kind of soaks upward. I’m really liking this tactic of using both at the same time.
I just ordered URE remade in Terminus. Next Thursday, we’ll see what doing my entire program with both levels does.
**Cycle 2 Week 4**
Two interesting things happened this weekend. First, I won a battle of wills with my wife. It was one where she COULD have just ignored me and done things her way too.
We had to pick our roommate up from the hospital on Saturday, and We had heard that there was some kind of protest nearby. Given how ugly those things sometimes get these days, I didn’t want her and definitely not our three year old anywhere near one. Parinoid? Maybe, but I don’t want to take chances where their safety is concerned.
She dug in her heels (my wife is one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met) but I just told her that I was going to go myself and pick them up for the rest of our errands. She actually gave in without too much escalation, which is a first for something like this. I could almost sense the moment that she realized that it wasn’t going to work to argue.
This is a change. Before I could feel her kind of test me on an energetic level and realize that I’d give in if she kept going. (I felt most of that without really realizing it)
One of our errands took us to a book store. I was alone for a minute looking for a the book I’d wanted to pick up when this girl made some innocuous comment to me about how they’d changed the way they lay things out.
She wasn’t all that conventionally attractive, kinda thick and nerdy looking. Definitely someone you’d expect to find in the fantasy section of a book store, but I do find that type cute. (Probably because she reminded me a bit of my first girlfriend).
I realized almost immediately that she had just said something to get my attention because she liked what she saw. It was really obvious in this case. The conversation was on normal stuff, but she’s was giving me eye contact the whole time, and it was definitely the sexual interest type of eye contact. I didn’t have time to make anything out of this, but I’m counting it as a win, and one that happened out of the blue.
I noted a couple of things during this incident. First, I caught on to what was happening immediately. In the past I’d have missed it.
Second, I stayed completely calm when I realized it. I used to get nervous when I caught on that an interaction could become sexual in nature.
Third, I was absolutely sure that if I had the time and felt like it, I could have turned that interaction into something more, and that without a doubt, she wanted me to.
Fourth, Holy Crap has my voice changed. I used to be told how soft spoken I was all the time, and I noticed that I got especially quiet around women. I’ve noticed that it’s gotten deeper for a while, but this time it was like hearing someone else talk. My voice was as deeper than I’ve ever heard it, and I could feel how it projected powerfully even though I was speaking at normal conversational volume.
- I’ve run two loops of Dominus in T strength and I’ve already noticed a difference. I feel less while it’s running and directly afterwards than I do on Q. However it seems to have a much greater effect on my day to day thinking and actions. I’m not saying that Q wasn’t having one, but this seems to install the good thought patterns so that they seem a lot more natural and just part of how I think now.
I don’t know if going to all Terminus would be a good move for me at this point. I seem to be getting something special out of using both strength. I’m going to stick with this plan at least until next cycle.
I can’t wait to try both customs together this Thursday.
I am also considering to maybe add Inner Voice to my custom. Could you please elaborate a bit more on the results you are having with that module?
I can’t say for sure wether what I am experiencing is purely the result of Inner Voice, something else, or a combination, so your results may vary.
When I first started using this custom, I noticed that the negative voice that always used to pop up in my head and rip on me and predict failure and whatnot started to fade out. It used to pop into my head naturally, speak with more authority than the forced inner voice that I tried to fight it with, and be very hard to get rid of or redirect.
After a while, I started to notice that when it did happen, another voice that was also natural (In other words I didn’t try to make this happen, it just did) popped up and contradicted it. That gradually started having more of a ring of truth and power to it than the negative voice.
Now I get the voice in my head spontaneously saying good things where it used to say bad.
Hope that helps.
Survival Instinct may help with this, it creates a kind of 360 degree/ eyes in the back of your head awareness. Even when completely relaxed and confident, or totally focused-there is a constantly vigilant about everything happening in the environment.
I have that anyway. I worked in the prison system for ten years, it develops. The only things I miss are spoken words, and I hear them it just doesn’t process if that makes any sense. It was especially bad with things l Ike radio traffic that was either directed at me or someone talking to me. Odd problem, but probably solvable with a custom.
- Ok, this was a bit odd. After my loops I felt a bit down and had a thought about something that I suppose might go wrong. This used to happen all the time, I think I might have taken note of it because it’s been so rare lately. I imagined it, and said “more trouble” to myself as I often do when something goes wrong out of the blue.
I kind of stopped the thought and realized a couple things. First, this is how I manifest bad things into my life. I envision something going wrong, it causes me to have an emotional reaction to it, and BLAMO an image charged with energy is sent out into the universe. Oops.
I used to think I had really bad luck, and circumstances often bore that out. I suppose I’ve known why on the surface level for quite some time, but this is the first time I’ve really gotten a visceral understanding of the process and been able to interrupt and analyze it in real time. I can’t think of a time when the thing I’d envisioned came true exactly, but similar things definitely did.
The second thing hit me as I was doing that. I get some kind of gratification out of that kind of negative and harmful thought. WTF? Why would I on some level LIKE feeling frustrated, fearful, or angry enough that I would deliberately imagine myself into situations that made me feel that way? I can’t exactly explain it, but it’s there.
I always get a lot of emotionally charged chatter from my inner voices when I’m in the shower right after getting up. I suppose this is a time when I am more receptive to what’s going on in my subconscious. This used to be Hell for me because it used to always be negative, and very emotionally charged and forceful. I was usually unable to fight it.
This morning, it was absolutely the opposite. I got spontaneous voices predicting my success and telling me how awesome I am. That’s a good way to start the day.
I just finished my first run URE in Terminus after my DominusT run. I felt my head swimming a bit during the URE loop, and I feel pretty good right now. I will update as I notice anything.
I am really curious as to what 12 is. I’ll find out the day after tomorrow.