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Ok, my loops tonight feel more like they’re doing something. I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the last couple of days because there were things I needed to do during the day. My lack of feeling anything may just have been exhaustion. The joys of night shift. I got plenty of sleep today, and I feel the sub’s power again.
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For the last week or so I’ve been feeling a sense of restlessness during my loops. Particularly URE. I just figured out what that is. It’s energy moving around. It was particularly clear during my URE loops tonight. Feels kind of caged and trapped at this point, or maybe it’s just more than I’m used to, but it’s really clear that Energetic Development, The Architect, and Aura are doing their thing.
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I’m in a really good mood after finishing my loops tonight. Come to think of it, I’ve been in a really good mood a lot lately. That’s a change. A couple of years ago I was in a pretty constant bad mood, and before this, even on subs, my average mood could best be described as neutral. Nice change even without much change in external circumstances.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I was so focused on changing external things in my life to be happy, I was robbing myself of happiness in the present. (Seriously, where were you guys with this stuff twenty years ago?) -
On a similar track, I don’t find myself focusing on the future nearly as much as I used to. I used to spend most of my energy either focused on something that I hoped was going to happen in the fairly near future (either something I was working toward, or just something I hoped for), or stressing the hell out of myself about something bad that might happen.
Now, I don’t seem to be doing either. I’m not worried about much, but I don’t seem to be able to focus on the things I want to happen like I used to. Perhaps it’s because I used to focus to an unhealthy level. I think we could call that obsessing.
Now I’m a lot more in the now. I don’t think that I’ve abandoned all ambition. It’s more like I have a sense that it’s not time yet.
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I woke up an hour early to run a loop of LF Ultima through my good headphones. I didn’t feel much of anything while it was running or after. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel though. I didn’t consciously feel very limited before, so I don’t know that the lack of a limited feeling would be that noticeable. I think that the real test of Ultima for me is going to be Godlike Masculinity, or whatever monstrosity Ultima Stage three winds up being.
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My loops of Dominus and URE felt good tonight, but not quite as good as last night. It may be a result of not running LF directly before starting them. I’ll have to try that again.
I felt energy flaring out into my aura again, so something is definitely happening on that front.
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I had fun testing Libertine Ultima and got some good results from it. Not as good as they could have been without social distancing and working a 72 hour week, but I could tell from what I felt and it’s effects on my wife that I could get into a LOT of trouble with that one.
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I am currently running my first loop of Rebirth Ultima. That is more in keeping with what I’m trying to do right now. I’m trying to get my internal world sorted out to an acceptable level, then I can get my serious external life issues taken care of, then I can focus on the fun stuff.
So far, everything feels a bit surreal, and there is a serious ball of energy swirling around my heart area. It feels a bit cool, kind of tingles but not exactly, and I can feel it with my hand and arm when they get close to my chest, not just with my chest. -
The week off Dominus and URE gave me a good chance to assess what they’ve done for me so far. Copied from my Ultima 3 Journal:
I actually feel great. My mind feels clear, and while I don’t blatantly feel the effects of the status/confidence/self esteem subs I’ve been running for a long time, taking a week off of them and doing something different has really given me a chance to assess what they’re doing for me. The difference between how I think and feel now and at this time last year is amazing, and I give most of the credit to my name embedded customs.
I still walk like I’m the king of all I survey, and that’s because I actually think and feel that I’m that damn awesome. There’s a lot less self doubt, stress, negative self talk, or anything like that. My mind is so much more of a peaceful place that it isn’t even like being in the same head. It’s been an unpleasant place for thirty years, now it isn’t.
My relationship with my wife has transformed. She used to be verbally and mentally abusive on a regular basis. Now, she never raises her voice to me or criticizes. I take the lead in the relationship, and she follows. -
I’m excited to resume the journey.
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I am planning to upgrade both of my customs to Terminus around October first. That should allow deeper penetration and further changes.
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I only did two loops of Dominus and URE tonight. With Rebirth added in, that just felt like enough. I felt great especially during the first loop of both sub. I got downright euphoric A couple of times during URE.
I’m still in a great mood, and I’m laughing at things, which didn’t used to be something I’d normally do. -
There was an incident over my days off which showed that the effects of Dominus may have slipped a little. I dropped something and didn’t notice. The dog damaged it. The wife pointed this out, and I said “oh, crap, sorry”. Then she kept going into one of her endless loops of criticism. I walked away before she could really escalate. That was the first time in months this has happened.
When I woke up this afternoon, I was going to let it go and not mention it. However, she brought it up and apologized.
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while I was running my rebirth loop, I felt that energy collecting around my heart area again. I also got some mental flashes of me saying things that I should have said to people in the past, and handling situations like I should have handled them. Man, I really let people walk all over me for way too much of my life.
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I didn’t notice a whole lot while my customs were playing other than a bit of energy movement, and nothing of special note during the day.
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I ran one loop of Rebirth and two each of my customs last night.
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I feel a bit off today. Like my processing system is just a tiny bit slower than normal. I don’t feel tired exactly, but I have definitely not felt like I was firing on all cylinders. I’m thinking that this is Rebirth Ultima starting to do its thing. I can’t put my finger on any what exactly it’s done yet, but it’s definitely done something.
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The lack of stress I’m feeling right now is amazing. For the past I don’t know how many years, I have had kind of an emotional cycle of the year, and more often than not the events in my life would be kind of synchronized to it (Please note that I said events were synchronized to my emotional cycle and not the other way around. I just realized that as I sit here listening to my Rebirth loop.). Sometimes this would be a goal that I thought would make things better, and sometimes (lately) it was just staving off a real or perceived disaster. This time of year was always the roughest on me, but it was also always the time that I was just on the verge of achieving some major goal. I always felt a massive battle between the positive thinking and energy that I was trying to force and negative thinking and energy that seemed to be there naturally to oppose me. I would either succeed or fail, around now, and the energy would release. That would either feel exhilarating or depressing but still better, depending.
This year is different though. I don’t feel pressed to achieve anything on any certain time table. I am quite satisfied to take this time to work on myself, and have a definite sense that the opportunities I need and want will be there when I’ve done enough of that. -
I’m starting to see how well I’m doing despite what it may look like on paper. The last five years have been a really rough time with seemingly endless money and health troubles. I have kept my family’s heads’ above water the whole time, and pulled off a series of damn miracles to do it. That says a LOT about me. Runs of bad luck can’t last forever, so I am very capable of achieving great things when whatever that tide was turns. I have a feeling that it’s turning now, but we shall see.
- The tangible energy flares in the aura during the first loop of my custom were amazing tonight. It started during Dominus, but during URE I felt like I was about to be struck with lightning.
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My Rebirth loop felt a lot smoother today. Maybe whatever blockage was around my heart has been cleared up.
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I felt very energized during my Dominus and URE loops tonight, but this time the energy seemed to stay inside of my body. It felt like nervous energy. I don’t mean anxiety or anything negative, just that kind of thing you get when you’ve been holding still too long and want to get up and do something.
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My body feels lighter and has for a while. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve lost weight, or my mind state or energy system has changed.
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I wound up taking three days off of subs instead of my usual two because my schedule changed and I had three days off. Not good actually since I’m the sole source of income for three adults and a three year old.
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During my days off, I went out and ran errands with the wife and kid. Normally I’m able to avoid this by working twelve hours a day six days a week (I HATE shopping). This time I decided to use the opportunity to see if there’s any difference in how I interact with the world. There was a difference. I was walking tall without thinking about it. I attempted to make eye contact with every woman I walked past. It didn’t work every time, but with more than a few, I locked eyes with them, and kind of felt something pass between us. This is something I had been semi unconsciously avoiding doing all my life.
I noticed an attractive woman who was wearing a shirt with a message that I approve of. I saw her a few times, and made eye contact. She walked around the corner right in front of us, and my wife and I said “we love the shirt” in perfect sync. We went on to have a long conversation that got kind of personal on her part. She kept looking right into my eyes the whole time, though she engaged with both of us. There might have been an undercurrent there, I’m not sure. This is a change because neither of us would be the type to have a long conversation with a stranger in a grocery store. -
When I got to work, I had a long conversation with the female co worker who I relived. She’s not often as chatty as she was today. What I really noticed was that my body language was really relaxed. I usually stand straight and come off really formal. This time I found myself leaning against the wall in a way I’d call relaxed alpha, and like I didn’t have a care in the world.
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I think I’m going to drop my exposure from two loops of each custom to one. The reason being that I tend to feel things during my first loop but not the second, so while I don’t feel particularly overwhelmed by repeated loops, I am not sure that they are beneficial. The more is better instinct is definitely not always right with these Q powered subs.
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1X Dominus
1X URE
1X Rebirth Ultima
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I think that I may be on the right track with only running one loop of each sub. I felt good during Dominus and during URE I felt really happy. I ended my run feeling good. On two loops, I’d feel this way the first set of loops, and the second would ult feel like nothing. I don’t know if that means that that second set wasn’t beneficial or not, but it’s a good theory.
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I am planning to upgrade both my customs to Terminus strength in the near future. I ran across something where @Hermit was describing a listening plan that involves using all three strengths in order to hit different levels of the subconscious and have a more complete result, but I can’t find it again. Would you please explain that again?
I really want to get the results of this as cemented into all parts of my mind as possible. I’m going to spend a lot of time on it, even though it’s a pretty basic goal. -
I’m glad I started with an Ascension based custom which really bores in on my self esteem, self confidence, and sense of my own value rather than going straight for money, seduction, or some other external thing that I could be chasing. If I really feel great about myself and think that I’m great, all of those things will be a lot easier to achieve when it’s time.
I have to say that I’ve never felt better about myself than I do right now, and a lot of the negative thought patterns that have bedeviled me for as long as I can remember have disappeared.
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- Drat it. Another discussion made me realize something about myself. It relates to why auric and presence effects may not work as well on me as they might. Years ago, someone who can perceive such things described my aura as grey and hard to see into.
I just got kind of an information dump about that from my subconscious. I put a whole lot of my energy into hiding and trying not to be noticed.
I don’t do it on purpose anymore, and at times have done quite the opposite, but it’s an automatic reflex that was ingrained in early childhood, so I do it without conscious control. In fact, it’s proven to be impossible to break through with conscious energy and majickal practice.
The reason for this is fairly simple, but I haven’t really grasped it until just now. I was raised by two hypercritical parents who rarely had anything good to say about something I did. Then I was mercilessly picked on from the moment I set foot in school by both students and staff. Somewhere very early I came to the conclusion that all attention focused on me was bad attention, so I subconsciously did everything I could to avoid it. In short, I tried to disappear. It showed in my body language, actions, and energy.
It’s gotten better slowly throughout my adulthood as my self image Gradually changed, but on some level this subconscious program is still running.
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I felt a little down today, or maybe it would be better to say a little less up than usual. I don’t know if it’s related to my sub use at all. Some days are always going to be better than others. This is nothing compared to what my emotional down days used to be, so if nothing else this shows that my baseline has changed for the better.
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I was thinking more about my realization yesterday. My aversion to attention has caused a lot more effects than just stopping me from projecting a powerful aura. It’s permeated my outward personality, kept me from making social connections normally. People have described me as robotic because I kept any kind of expression so tightly locked down.It kept me from doing anything to stand out in life. I’ve pulled away from doing anything that would get me noticed positively, and dreaded making any kind of mistake that would bring negative attention to me. I think that the reason I avoid positive attention is that whenever people are looking at you there’s a chance that you’re going to mess up in some way and be humiliated in front of all of the people who were watching you. Deep down I didn’t want to take that risk. That lead me to be very hesitant to try anything that I wasn’t absolutely sure I could succeed at. That’s held me back in all areas of life.
I’m not sure what caused that to come to the forefront right now. Maybe it’s Invincible Presence and Earthshaker starting to push against that limitation, or maybe Ares, Februus, and Blue skies are digging at it. Whatever the reason, I now have a deep understanding of what the problem is.
In order to get through it, I’m going to have to do something that brings attention onto me so I can get used to it. (Hmmmm. I wonder what running a loop of Libertine before going would do
) I had been thinking of Joining Toastmasters before, but I’m not sure that my schedule will allow it at present.
Yes, it is but you’d want to have steady evolution of growth. Go with Q instead, later when you’ve had some experience with Q, you can get Terminus and add in a burst of Terminus every now and then to peak your results.
Overdosing is just a way to self-sabotage, I don’t see why? Mind-boggling results are always attained through long-term focus & dedication on a Custom. You want to have a lot of fun? Change directions in life? Love your Subliminal stack, without losing hope of it being right for you? Without hesitation go with Q, you’ll be amazed to have went with my advise. I genuinely want to help people on this forum, free of charge, just out of unconditional love to see this planet rise and shine as it has always been but folks have to listen and apply, which isn’t always the case.
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Thanks. Pretty much what I’m planning on, I’ll have been on my current custom for three months or so by the time I get the money to upgrade. As tempting as switching or adding something else in is, this is an important one, so I’m planning on running it alone for a minimum of six months and possibly up to a year. How often would you suggest throwing in a loop of the same custom in Terminus?
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I was losing some of the effects from running only one loop a day. Not much, and it was subtle, but enough that I could tell. I think two is definitely my sweet spot so I’ll be sticking with that for a while.
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I had an interesting conversation with my wife. We were talking about our current situation and how much of the burden of keeping us going has fallen on me.
I said that I am strong enough to handle it, and that our period of trouble has done a lot to show me how strong of a person I really am. I meant it to my core too, I’ve got this.
The subject of subliminals came up, and I told her I was on a custom and it was pricey. She didn’t get mad like I expected her to, she said that I should do whatever I needed to. She will actually want one to help yet combat her MS symptoms when she gets her disability. She was getting good results with QL stage 1. Too good, she was afraid that it would cause enough improvement that it could screw it up for her.
- Last night was my first night off. Processing is in full effect today on the why I am the way I am front. When I got up this afternoon, I had an intense, call it reliving of an argument I’d had with my father when I was probably in middle school. We were at one of the events that centered around his interests that he dragged me to on a regular basis. He saw a girl about my age and said that I should go ask her out.
That wasn’t happening. She was good looking and at that point I had internalized as a fact that no girl would ever be interested in me. I was in bad shape mentally because I was the lowest of the low on the very rigid hierarchy at the small school I went to. That meant I was tormented daily, and there was really no possibility of that changing. (It eventually did when we moved) I could see nothing but humiliation if I do much as glanced at her.
I said I didn’t want to, and my dad kept pushing me to do it. Loudly. He had to have spent an hour pushing me to do it. Loudly. In reality I don’t know that anyone heard us, and they certainly weren’t paying a damn bit of attention if they did. I felt embarrassed though. Very embarrassed. I did manage to stand my ground, but Dad kept hammering on me until she left.
This isn’t the root of my fear of attention (equating any attention with mortifying embarrassment), that started long before, but it was around this time in my life that this was at its worst.
It does show the lack of respect for any boundaries I attempted to set that I had to deal with. She was very good looking, and I had had zero success and much humiliation around girls. What my father was trying to do was like telling someone who has never been swimming to go pearl diving in a hurricane.
Some module or another is really digging at this issue.
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Well, I came up with a plan of action on dealing with my (for lack of a better term) fear of attention. I’m going to join Toastmasters and attend weekly. That forces me into a position where a room full of people are going to be staring at me while I talk once a week. I found a nearby club that works with my schedule. Unfortunately, none of the clubs in my state are meeting in person at the moment, so it’s going to have to go on hold.
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I’m going to be running these customs through the end of the year. I’ve been thinking that my next external goal is going to be to get my career back on track. My next internal goal will simply be to continue to increase the Internal and external status boost I’m getting from Ascension plus to bring more of the effects to the outside.
At this point, I’m planning on designing a custom based around Emperor and PCC. I think that the biggest problem I’ve had in getting the career I want is that I come off unsure of myself and fail to connect with the panel in formal interviews. Emperor will likely give me the dominant, confident air that they’re looking for in this line of work, and PCC will help me with the charisma to stand out. This one is going to be heavy on the masculinity modules too. As well as helping me achieve an external goal, this is the next step toward becoming the man I’ve always wanted to be. -
I’ve decided to upgrade Dominus and URE to Terminus as soon as I can. My plan is to initially run one loop in T a week while continuing to run two in Q the rest of the days. We’ll see how it goes from there.
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My wife went off on me about something small again. She hasn’t done this in quite a while. It didn’t get really loud, but she was back in the old mode of chastising me like a little kid, and she absolutely would not let go of it. She continued the argument by text after I got to work.
This has been a frequent pattern for many years, especially when I’ve been on a self improvement program that was working. She seems to see my increasing self esteem and value as a challenge or threat. She didn’t do that after I started Subclub alpha products though and until now hadn’t since. I hope this is a fluke. If we go back to the bad old days, I’m out of there.
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- This afternoon I saw something different when I looked in the mirror. I’ve been noticing it for a while actually, but it really hit me today. I’ve thought I was handsome for some time, but today I thought I looked REALLY good. That’s not all though. There was something in what I saw that made me think that I’d respect that guy right off the bat if I had just met him.
It was actually a little weird for a split second a few of the times I glanced in the mirror today. In my previous life, I ran into certain men who I instantly felt inferior to before they even spoke and before I even knew anything about them. Well, I was seeing one of those guys when I looked in the mirror.
It was like old me is looking at present me and feeling like he isn’t as good. I suppose that shows that there’s some kind of reconciliation going on, but in a good way. I’ll take it as a damn good sign because after that split second, I saw that dominant guy as me.
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Hey! So I have this module in my upcoming custom. Do you think that you would be able to attribute anything specific to it? The module sounds really good, I’m just curious as to what outcome it directly relates to.