I’ve been in a bit of recon today. It wasn’t a bad day, actually. I’m on my rest day, when subs usually dig in for me.
The recon I realize I’m struggling with is…and I stop. I suddenly find words that are NOT my truth. I’m doing 5 minutes each of LB and Emperor, and I felt a strong fear-based pull to hide somewhere when I got off work. To avoid interaction. To want to hide in memories of hiding safely in the past.
The healthiest belief I’ve noticed is I don’t want to do another loop tonight (my normal listening day and time). If I were asking @RVconsultant, he’d likely recommend I hold off any subs for a day or 2. Someone else mentioned they wait until they’re not in recon to resume listening. That’s been on my mind.
My struggle and stressor is that this part that’s not the subs is throwing invitations and reminders of “how easy it used to be”. There’s both truth and not-truth in that invitation.
But Emperor and LB are steadily pulling me to own my thoughts and beliefs, which is why I’m writing. What a day–midday I actually fantasized about sharing here that my thoughts and beliefs were turning dark, meaning I felt like I was stuck in grief. Like I couldn’t move emotionally because part of me was in panic mode and holding on fiercely. I couldn’t grieve, couldn’t laugh. Nothing at all.
And on the other side of that, one time today I almost broke down in tears in front of someone, and another time…I did break down. It was short-lived, but as soon as I began vocalizing it, my chest tightened, and I let some tears fall…actually not wanting to stop once I began.
So far, I’ve not had sub-hopping thoughts. I even got my LB/Sanguine custom today…but I’ll wait on it. Shit’s processing still…plus I remember when I was on DR last year, I only listened MWF, taking weekends off. Those two down days were when a lot of stuff came up. So, I’ll allow this too with both of these. I’ll listen tomorrow morning, and take Saturday and Sunday off. Because Saint was probably right: with ZP, maybe healing subs aren’t needed any more. Because presently, the subs are hitting me where I cry, where I laugh, where I sing…right in my heart. (Sounds gushy. Gonna leave it)
It seems like a lot of growth is happening presently.