Fairly quiet day today, but feeling tired. Didn’t sleep well last night. So a bit fuzzy headed and a bit of a headache. Mostly I just want to take a nap. No emotional changes of note today.
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Eh, turns out I forgot to drink coffee today. Headache + fuzzy head => caffeine withdrawal. It’s weird that I forgot though, it’s usually the first thing on my mind in the morning.
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Another poor night’s sleep. Last night I woke because one of my cats was sick, so I got up to deal with that. Unfortunately he has some health problems. But afterwards I struggled to get back to sleep, I was going over his illness in my mind, and my emotions were bouncing all over the place, settling into a kind of depression over the issue. I can only put this down to my stack stirring things up, because his illness isn’t new.
I’m still feeling this way this morning, although not as strongly. So I’m taking some time today to work through this in my head, and allow whatever wants to come up to do so.
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I feel I partially resolved some of what was coming up. Still feeling down, but less so. And I feel clearer and more accepting of the situation.
No appetite at all today, although I ate anyway, just because I felt I should. And habit, I guess.
Looking forward to sleeping. And hopefully dreaming. I’ve started listening to Dreams again before I go to bed.
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@bujin - since you mentioned PE in another thread, I was wondering, have you tried any programs that worked for you?
I haven’t used any, sorry. By I recall @Liquidfire made a recommendation:
Also one by @SaintSovereign:
You might like to look into both of those.
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Yes, I did use the bathmate to good results.
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Slept properly last night, thankfully.
A mostly quiet day today, just a bit introspective. I’ve been alternating between emotional and quiet days so far this week. I’m pretty happy with my stack so far, but I do want to go deeper. Yes, I know I’m being impatient, so I’ll stick with my current listening pattern for a bit longer, but I do intend to increase the number of loops, probably sooner rather than later. I’ll definitely keep my rest days though, and maybe make Wednesday a rest day as well, to better process the extra loops.
Feeling down again this morning, so the alternating days continue. Not as bad as the previous days though. Will again spend some time working through it today. Will also try to add an extra loop since I have two off days over the weekend. But Fridays are actually social days with drinks (over Zoom, not in person), so that may not happen. Keeping some social contact is too important right now, so I’m not skipping that, but will try to fit in the extra loop.
So far I’ve been really impressed with the Regeneration/Khan TB/Rebirth combination, it seems to be getting through and stirring things up. Really looking forward to what it brings up over the next 3 weeks.
My emotions were all over the place today.
I was fine for most of the morning, then when I was told I was having a review from my client, negative thoughts starting coming up. At one point I felt I would be terminated, although I knew that was unlikely, I’ve had nothing but exceptional feedback from them in the 3 years I’ve worked for them. But the negative thoughts kept coming. There was clearly some “impostor syndrome” going on, which is unusual for me. Of course the review ended up being very positive and they want to extend me again. A good thing, during these uncertain times.
During the social drinks via Zoom, I was unusually quiet, I didn’t feel like interacting at all. Most apparent was a sense of isolation. Despite knowing many of these people for years, and some of them being very good friends, I felt like an outcast.
Later, I started to worry about my sick cat again, thinking about how I’d feel if he died.
My strategy for any emotions that come up is the same - simply not to resist them. Allow them to express themselves, explore them, accept them, and finally let them go. I don’t have too much trouble doing that with sadness, depression, or fear, but I do have difficulty doing it with anger. Anger just seems to latch on, insisting that it’s justified and righteous, and I have to work on it over and over before it fades.
I didn’t manage the extra loop today, but that’s ok. It was an eventful day anyway.
It’s the weekend so no subs until Monday.
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My appetite is still low, not sure if it’s something to do with my stack or something else. I’m mostly eating out of habit right now. This morning I prepared my usual breakfast of a bowl of granola, and some freshly brewed coffee, and neither was very appetizing.
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Jumping on the bandwagon, I’m adding only 1-2 loops per week of Stark-T, to see if such a low listening rate is useful.
I listened to a loop this morning (going against my weekend sub-free policy), but going forward I’ll listen to it on Friday mornings, followed by the rest of my stack. I want to keep my 2-day rest weekends. I won’t reduce my healing stack at all.
I’ll start with 1 loop per week for a couple of weeks, then increase to 2 loops per week. I’m not expecting such a low rate to be life-changing, but it’ll be interesting to see if it’s viable at all as a listening pattern.
So, I listened to a loop this morning, and didn’t feel anything immediately. However I just browsed through some journals, and noticed a couple of people reported feeling the need to clean. Funnily enough I just finished steam cleaning my sofa, something I’ve been putting off for weeks. Coincidence? 
I do seem to be in a brighter mood than I was this morning though.
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My mood has been great for most of the day, almost joyful. And I’ve definitely been more productive than usual for a Saturday.
The big question is, how long will this mood last?
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Been in a grumpy mood since running my stack yesterday, don’t feel like writing anything. But I will say I’m still extra productive in getting stuff done, so I think StarkT is still effective.
Not exactly sure what’s churning around in my subconscious, but I can feel the stress, and I’m in a bad mood. Making Wednesday another rest day going forward. So from now on
Mon/Tues - Stack
Wed - Rest
Thurs/Fri - Stack
Sat/Sun - Rest
The good mood from running StarkT on Saturday is definitely gone, although the extra productivity remains.
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No subs today, but still in a bad mood. Still no appetite either, I looked in the fridge at lunch time and literally nothing appealed. Wasn’t hungry at all. Forced myself to eat a handful of nuts. Not even snacks and junk appeal anymore.
Bad mood has been slowly fading, but every time I think of work it spikes again. So there’s probably a connection there, some reconciliation around work. It’s not a surprise though, I’ve been itching for a major change for a while now. However, given everything going on, and the economic situation which will probably get a lot worse, I just don’t think this is the right time. At least, that’s the rational part of me talking. That may change.
I suspect this will be a recurring theme for quite a while.
Also starting to feel a little hungry again as my mood improves.
Back on my stack again today, and back to a good mood. It was a productive morning with work too. There are still unresolved issues around work, but the reconciliation is more constrained than earlier in the week.
It’s definitely an eventful stack, which is what I was after. The issues brought up so far are mostly fairly shallow. But I guess I need to go through those first before I can tackle the deeply ingrained issues. Hopefully a lot more to come.
Tomorrow is StarkT day, where I run my single loop of StarkT for the week.
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Felt fine this morning, no negative emotions after running my stack yesterday. Slept 9 hours though, and could have slept longer, which is unusual for me.
Ran a loop of StarkT this morning. Feeling some mild euphoria since near the end of that loop. Running my regular stack now though, so let’s see how long that lasts. I’m more interested in productivity gains from StarkT though, feeling “good” isn’t really a goal given my current focus on a healing stack. My goal is to dig up any deeply hidden sources of trauma or fear or negativity.
Overall I feel the loop of StarkT last week helped with productivity during the week. It definitely faded during the week but that may be due to the reconciliation I was going through earlier in the week. But even as late as yesterday it seemed a little bit easier than usual to start working on an uninteresting task. Two loops would no doubt help, but probably better to do 1 loop twice a week than 2 loops once per week.