@bujin - Very cool. Thank you.
Yes, I did use the bathmate to good results.
Slept properly last night, thankfully.
A mostly quiet day today, just a bit introspective. I’ve been alternating between emotional and quiet days so far this week. I’m pretty happy with my stack so far, but I do want to go deeper. Yes, I know I’m being impatient, so I’ll stick with my current listening pattern for a bit longer, but I do intend to increase the number of loops, probably sooner rather than later. I’ll definitely keep my rest days though, and maybe make Wednesday a rest day as well, to better process the extra loops.
Feeling down again this morning, so the alternating days continue. Not as bad as the previous days though. Will again spend some time working through it today. Will also try to add an extra loop since I have two off days over the weekend. But Fridays are actually social days with drinks (over Zoom, not in person), so that may not happen. Keeping some social contact is too important right now, so I’m not skipping that, but will try to fit in the extra loop.
So far I’ve been really impressed with the Regeneration/Khan TB/Rebirth combination, it seems to be getting through and stirring things up. Really looking forward to what it brings up over the next 3 weeks.
My emotions were all over the place today.
I was fine for most of the morning, then when I was told I was having a review from my client, negative thoughts starting coming up. At one point I felt I would be terminated, although I knew that was unlikely, I’ve had nothing but exceptional feedback from them in the 3 years I’ve worked for them. But the negative thoughts kept coming. There was clearly some “impostor syndrome” going on, which is unusual for me. Of course the review ended up being very positive and they want to extend me again. A good thing, during these uncertain times.
During the social drinks via Zoom, I was unusually quiet, I didn’t feel like interacting at all. Most apparent was a sense of isolation. Despite knowing many of these people for years, and some of them being very good friends, I felt like an outcast.
Later, I started to worry about my sick cat again, thinking about how I’d feel if he died.
My strategy for any emotions that come up is the same - simply not to resist them. Allow them to express themselves, explore them, accept them, and finally let them go. I don’t have too much trouble doing that with sadness, depression, or fear, but I do have difficulty doing it with anger. Anger just seems to latch on, insisting that it’s justified and righteous, and I have to work on it over and over before it fades.
I didn’t manage the extra loop today, but that’s ok. It was an eventful day anyway.
It’s the weekend so no subs until Monday.
My appetite is still low, not sure if it’s something to do with my stack or something else. I’m mostly eating out of habit right now. This morning I prepared my usual breakfast of a bowl of granola, and some freshly brewed coffee, and neither was very appetizing.
Jumping on the bandwagon, I’m adding only 1-2 loops per week of Stark-T, to see if such a low listening rate is useful.
I listened to a loop this morning (going against my weekend sub-free policy), but going forward I’ll listen to it on Friday mornings, followed by the rest of my stack. I want to keep my 2-day rest weekends. I won’t reduce my healing stack at all.
I’ll start with 1 loop per week for a couple of weeks, then increase to 2 loops per week. I’m not expecting such a low rate to be life-changing, but it’ll be interesting to see if it’s viable at all as a listening pattern.
So, I listened to a loop this morning, and didn’t feel anything immediately. However I just browsed through some journals, and noticed a couple of people reported feeling the need to clean. Funnily enough I just finished steam cleaning my sofa, something I’ve been putting off for weeks. Coincidence?
I do seem to be in a brighter mood than I was this morning though.
My mood has been great for most of the day, almost joyful. And I’ve definitely been more productive than usual for a Saturday.
The big question is, how long will this mood last?
Been in a grumpy mood since running my stack yesterday, don’t feel like writing anything. But I will say I’m still extra productive in getting stuff done, so I think StarkT is still effective.
Not exactly sure what’s churning around in my subconscious, but I can feel the stress, and I’m in a bad mood. Making Wednesday another rest day going forward. So from now on
Mon/Tues - Stack
Wed - Rest
Thurs/Fri - Stack
Sat/Sun - Rest
The good mood from running StarkT on Saturday is definitely gone, although the extra productivity remains.
No subs today, but still in a bad mood. Still no appetite either, I looked in the fridge at lunch time and literally nothing appealed. Wasn’t hungry at all. Forced myself to eat a handful of nuts. Not even snacks and junk appeal anymore.
Bad mood has been slowly fading, but every time I think of work it spikes again. So there’s probably a connection there, some reconciliation around work. It’s not a surprise though, I’ve been itching for a major change for a while now. However, given everything going on, and the economic situation which will probably get a lot worse, I just don’t think this is the right time. At least, that’s the rational part of me talking. That may change.
I suspect this will be a recurring theme for quite a while.
Also starting to feel a little hungry again as my mood improves.
Back on my stack again today, and back to a good mood. It was a productive morning with work too. There are still unresolved issues around work, but the reconciliation is more constrained than earlier in the week.
It’s definitely an eventful stack, which is what I was after. The issues brought up so far are mostly fairly shallow. But I guess I need to go through those first before I can tackle the deeply ingrained issues. Hopefully a lot more to come.
Tomorrow is StarkT day, where I run my single loop of StarkT for the week.
Felt fine this morning, no negative emotions after running my stack yesterday. Slept 9 hours though, and could have slept longer, which is unusual for me.
Ran a loop of StarkT this morning. Feeling some mild euphoria since near the end of that loop. Running my regular stack now though, so let’s see how long that lasts. I’m more interested in productivity gains from StarkT though, feeling “good” isn’t really a goal given my current focus on a healing stack. My goal is to dig up any deeply hidden sources of trauma or fear or negativity.
Overall I feel the loop of StarkT last week helped with productivity during the week. It definitely faded during the week but that may be due to the reconciliation I was going through earlier in the week. But even as late as yesterday it seemed a little bit easier than usual to start working on an uninteresting task. Two loops would no doubt help, but probably better to do 1 loop twice a week than 2 loops once per week.
I wrote the following post last night
As I was writing that I was struck with the thought that it was very much a Tony Stark way of looking at the world.
I went to bed thinking big ideas, and I woke up still thinking them. And my mood has been buoyant since yesterday morning, with an easy smile on my face. That’s all StarkT.
My appetite has improved, but I’m eating less than normal. When I prepare a meal I go to make my usual amount then I think “do I need to make that extra amount”, and the answer is always “no”, so I reduce it. There’s no willpower involved, it’s effortless. This is definitely new.
Work-related reconciliation is raising its ugly head again. I find myself getting very easily annoyed with people and delays. It’s not productive though so I’ll need to keep a tight reign on that. Also I only got about 3 hours sleep last night, so that probably exacerbated my annoyance.
I’m trying to look ahead with my sub roadmap, but I’m finding it hard to plan since I’m sure the release of Q will change everything.
For now I’m planning to continue my healing stack until the end of next week, then move on to something more productive. While I’d love to go hard-core healing for 6 months, I think it might be more effective to cycle it by alternating it with a growth phase, maybe 1 month healing, followed by 2 or 3 months growth. Repeat. That’s my vague plan for now, anyway.
My current plan for the next stage is stacking Alchemist ST1, Quantum Limitless ST4 and Ascended Mogul for 2-3 months. I’m interested to see what combining the spiritual with the material will manifest. I don’t want to go the Emperor or Stark route again right now, I like the tighter focus of AM. Although I may continue with the experiment of running 1-2 loops of StarkT per week, as it seems to boost my mood and my productivity without messing with my stack too much. QL is there for the mental boost, but if Q lets me create a specific custom sub that I want I’ll swap QL out for the custom.
I like my current listening pattern and will continue with it - mon/tues/thurs/fri subs, wed/sat/sun rest.
The pattern is really clear and repeatable at this point. I wake up in the morning feeling pretty good, but by some point in the first or second loop of Regeneration I’m feeling annoyed and vaguely angry with work.
Obviously one option is to change jobs, but that’s just running away from the problem. I’d rather sort out the real reason why work makes me feel this way, besides the obvious (feeling bored, want a change of pace etc), I think it’s something deeper. The point isn’t really to feel “better”, it’s to understand why I’m feeling this way. I’m still working on it.
Today is a rest day.
Next week is my last week on my healing stack. I’ve got the week off work so I’m going to crank it up.
I’m hoping StarkT will trigger deeper issues, so for 1 week only my stack will be:
3x Stark Terminus
3x Khan Total Breakdown
Each day on Mon/Tues/Thurs/Fri only. I get that StarkT is now considered too powerful, but that’s actually the point for this stack. I’m hoping for some deep reconciliation. Without Blue Skies I need to make my own fun.
I move onto Phase 2 of my roadmap the following week.
Edit: tweaked the stack for next week, just going with the major programs. Increased StarkT to 3 loops and dropped Rebirth. So far on this stack Regeneration has been the most noticeable while running, while Rebirth has been the least, so it’s coming out.
Yesterday I did my weekly Stark-T, but increased to 2 loops, followed by my normal healing stack. I felt great all day - super productive during the day, and highly sociable during Zoom Friday night drinks.
So far Stark-T seems to put me in a really happy and productive mood. It’ll be really interesting to see what happens next week when I run 3 loops daily. It might end up being too much, but I won’t know until I try it.
Feeling a bit introspective this morning, but nothing negative. Today and tomorrow are rest days.