Building a solid Base

Journals - Major Programs
#90

4/7 done

Didn’t finish the mail (yet), but plan on doing so after writing my journal.
Changing tires wasn’t possible. I needed to much time for the other tasks and the day was over before I knew it. But it’s N° 1 priority for tomorrow since I need my car to get to the Interview. Distraction today was low. Of course there was some, But I used my time much more efficiently than in the last weeks.

Result of me calling about my minijob were first many excuses, but also the promise, that they will prepare some shifts for me tomorrow.

Bonus today wasn’t only that I’ll get more money for this year, but that I can apply for the last three years as well. If everything works out, that could mean 5k. And that’s a huge chunk for us.

#91

I’ve studied theology and some psychology. I’m a certified life-coach and have some knowledge about the inner dynamics of relationships. Sometimes I think I get it.

And then I realize I don’t understand my fiancee at all.

After dinner I went to church choir. Suddenly I get a message from her. My search history from my phone. Full of porn. Only, I know I’m clean as can be for almost three months now straight. Then I realize its from my old phone, which I recently started using again to get some old pics and vids. The her message came “When did you do these searches?” And in my head her voice was full of hurt and aggression. I explained that it hat to be long in the past. and she answered “The last time I checked your phone, it wasn’t in your search history”. I just told her, that I didn’t relapse in the last three months.

When I came home, we had a longer conversation. She was rather calm. And I realized, that my head read it out loud in a completely other tone than she had meant.
Conversation made a few unexpected turns. Finaly she revelaed, that one of my comments did hurt her pretty much. Because I didn’t get the underlying message of her comment but only what the words said.
Then I postponed our discussion. I still had a lot to do: writing my journal, writing my coach. And foremost, getting a clear head.
She seemed a bit hurt when I left. But I need to set my boundaries, even for my depressed fiancee.

I was gone an hour and suddenly she sent me a video of us dancing. From easier times. Times without so much worries, Times we both miss.

And then she sent me a song. Title was “Saying yes”. And I didn’t know what it was about. Part of me suspected, it’s a song about someone always forced to say yes all the time. I didn’t wanna listen to this.

But then I thought, just listen to it. Then I realized: I don’t understand Women at all. Not even my fiancee.

Here are the lyrics. enjoy

I would say yes
Would you ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today

Thought I knew what love was
A few endorphins, a little “I love you” here and there
But since I’ve known you, I know I’ve never really been in love
I thought: “They’re all exaggerating
This feeling, no, it never lasts”
But since I’ve known you, I know I’ve never really been in love

Where have you been my whole life?
Could lie with you forever, babe, I won’t lie

I would say yes
If you’d ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
I never wanted this, but suddenly I want it forever
Your ring on my finger forever
I’d say yes
I would say yes

Somehow you fixed me
I realize I like myself more with you
I’ll be honest, I’ve never been more me than next to you
Because you don’t want to change me
And that has changed me
I’m honest, I’ve never been as safe as I am with you

Where have you been all my life?
I want to stay with you forever, I swear that would be enough for me

I would say yes
If you’d ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
I never wanted this, but suddenly I want it forever
Your ring on my finger forever
I’d say yes
I would say yes

2 Likes
#92
  1. Dezember - Friday
    Listening Day 11
    15 minutes GM 15 Minutes NewEmperor 7 minutes AC

Didn’t finish the eMail last night. I was just to mixed up emotionally.
Also went to bed pretty late. Slept kinda shitty again.

Changed my tires. Took me super long thanks to two little accidents. But did it in a calm manner despite the challenges.

After a quick shower, I wrote the application letter for the scrapyard.
The Interview went pretty well. The boss is way younger than me, but I think I made a good impression. On Monday I begin on a trial basis.

I’m like super excited. My first job ever. When I was back in my car, I had tears in my eyes.

#93
  1. December - Tuesday
    Processing Day 4

Didn’t get a message from the scrapyard yesterday as promised so I decided to call today.
I procrastinated on this because a part of me feared the possibility of rejection.
The fear was a 10/10.
I made myself repeat the realization from last week: If I get rejected, it doesn’t matter if I call or not. The only difference is that I know his answer and can plan accordingly.
So I made a few pain cloud meditations to reduce the fear to 2/10 and called.

This guy isn’t amongst those with great communication talent, at least on the phone. He was so unclear with his information that I needed to ask a few times to understand, that he doesn’t want/ need me right now. I’m not sure about his reasons, if he found someone else, or just to stressed to train someone atm.

At first it was a big disappointment. But after a few minutes I felt pretty calm.
I remembered, that there is still the other job in production. It’s just part time, but it’s still enough to pay my bills and on the plus side, I have enough time to search for a better job and go to interviews without having to take time off.

I’m also torn between KB, LBfH and RotNW. All three of them could have a positive impact on my relationship. RotNW wasn’t a obvious choice, but Saint believes it could be a very good choice because it could help my fiancee to reduce tension.

Cure for Procrastination(digital age crack cocain)?
#94

I would say go with LB4H to heal the love side inside you and run KB to get control of your sexual energy.
One important thing is to heal yourself first, then the relationship can heal, otherwise you try to heal the relationship while a part of the core issue (within yourself) is still an issue.

1 Like
#95

That was the exact same thought I had. Until Saint wrote:

So RotWN would not only help in the relationship, but my fiancee as well by reducing stress, taking her thoughts away from the worries etc. In the post Saint was referring to, I mentioned my plans to start KB, yet he recommended RotNW. I don’t know, if I’m to biased to interpret his post correctly, but that’s what I made of it.

#96

Called the other company about the part time job. It’s already taken.
But still. I’m totally calm. Not to worried about finances.
They offered me a position with night shift. I could start today. But since I’m up since 6:45, I couldn’t work till 6 am anyways.
But at least I’m now looking for full time jobs, including different shift models.

Interesting observation. After both calls/ rejections I stayed calm. The second time, I even didn’t lose my calm for a second. But after both calls, I got some serious headache.
Might be my subconscious learning that rejection isn’t dangerous after all.

Edit: Headache might be recon? during processing days? can’t tell the source, but it was a thought, so i thought to write it down anyways.

#97

Lots of things going on lately.
I started RotNW last Thursday.

I was super horny over the weekend

The Night from Saturday to Monday I could only sleep a couple of hours. Could be my over 90 days of Semen Retention.
After reading some posts on the KB thread about release, I realized that that could be the solution for my problem. Needed a whole day to speak about it with my fiancee since she suffered a lot with my porn-addiction and I feared, it could open this wound again. For her or for me. So I had the conversation with her. She’s not in the mood for anything because of her depression, but she was totally ok with me taking some privat time.
Honestly, it wasn’t that good. Hyper sensitive as I was after 90 days…
What I noticed especially, is that self pleasure isn’t that pleasurable after all. It kinda feels like I understand how my subconscious is using this to cope with trauma. The stimulus is there, but its by far not as pleasant as I remember it to be from the past, perhaps like 5-10%.

Funny story

I went in my office down in the basement for the release. Forgot something, went 3 stairs up to fetch it. Noticed its not there. Back down on the basement. The last stairs is wooden, like 80 years old and super smooth. I was wearing socks. And of course I slipped and fell down the stairs. Nothing broken, just some minor bruises and a blue big toe. Derailed the fun part a bit.

To solve this Issue for good, I decided for good to start with KB beginning next January.

#98

I realize I’m kinda beside me. There are many things I wanted write down but they dropped out of my head. This whole couple of horny days are a bit fuzzy.

I usually drink some alcohol on most days. Not much. A beer a day. Sometimes a bit of brandy. But the last days, I had absolutely no interest in drinking alcohol. But right after the release I felt like drinking some mead. It hit me pretty hard. It wasn’t more alcohol than a glas of wine, but still I felt like after a few cocktails.

I’m procrastinating a lot. Started watching some series again. Mostly Burn Notice and NCIS. I’m kinda pissed at me. For not taking action. For not getting a job and even if it’s just a basic one. Even such a job would provide enough money to finally be able to breath again.

1 Like
#99
WARNING: Mixed up thoughts without any structure

I feel the urge to write more.
I noticed something about… As I mentioned earlier, it’s all a bitt fuzzy.
It had something to do with intelligence (not my strong point right now).
Pattern recognition?

Btw, I turned my phone to grey-scale to reduce the dopamine from the phone.

Edit:
Didn’t write any applications. I’m passed at myself for slacking off so much. I need the money. We need it. But I didn’t manage to do anything for that goal. Falling down the stairs and feeling like someone beat me up today didn’t help either.

1 Like
#100

Strangest thing just happened

We watched TV a little later as planned. Fiancee said “Now it will take ages to fall asleep”
Suddenly I had this Vision/ Flashback.

It was a short emotional journey into her depression or in my feelings of a few years ago.
I suddenly felt this deep desperation this absolut lack of hope. It was just a short moment.
Surreal

2 Likes
#101

Just had the suspicion, that this fucked up days in the last 7 days were a consequence of overexposure/ recon.

Thursday: 2x RotNW
Friday 1x RotNW 1xEmperor
Saturday 1x RotNW

Might have been overkill.
My mind knows that more exposure doesn’t equal more results. But my desire for results was stronger. Sunday on Monday was the night were I couldn’t sleep because I was super horny, had fantasies all night long and thought about how I should live out my sexuality atm.

1 Like
#102

Hectic day today. In the morning making Christmas cookies. After Cleaning the kitchen and cooking started washing some clothes. After some time my mother called, that the baking oven exploded. The electronics fired a lightning bold in her direction then the electronics started to smoke. I removed the fuse.
And as if that wasn’t enough, the washing machine is on the same fuse as the oven.
So absolutely soaked clothes…

Masturbation

It’s no fun anymore. When in the past, during my addiction, it felt great, at least while in the middle of it, now there’s no allure at all. It’s just some manual labor. I know, I’m missing the connection while sleeping with my fiancee. The spiritual dimension, the lust in her eyes, the moaning, etc. That’s what making sex great for me. And it’s all missing in masturbation.

#103

Just remembered what it is. My visual imagination got much better. I noticed it first with sexual fantasies, they were much more real than in the past.
But I notice it much more often lately.
The thing making me remember it was when someone made a typo in here. I immediately saw the keyboard infront of my inner eye and understood where he missed the key.

#104

A lot happened. And a lot stagnation.

To much going on. I just feel a big rage in me.
I feel like im responsible for the wellbeing of everyone around me.

One wrong word and my mother’s blood pressure is through the roof. One wrong word, and my fiancee is down for days. One wrong Word and my grandmother feels useless and wants to die. One wrong word and my uncle is getting loud again, worsening it for the other three.

I’m done with that shit. I realized, that I can’t work on my wellbeing because all I care about is them.

I can’t stand this anymore. Apparently I opened a few sexual reddit posts 6 weeks ago. Might be. I can’t remember.
Yesterday my mother was showing her inability to relate to my fiancees depression. So loud that she heard it is now super pissed.
And of course she is passed at me because she’s found this reddit stuff in my browsing history.
She just posted a story about calling a crisis holiness. Perhaps that’s the best.
I’m unable to care for anyone atm.
She’s asking me if everything is OK. After telling me a few weeks back, that my situation is to much for her and its eating away all her minimal energy.

Just got myself Phoenix. I need to work through this shit in me.
Everyone is just demanding.
My mother wanted me.

#105

@RVconsultant could you please change the title to:

Building a solid Base

Edit: accepted @Deadpool s idea.

1 Like
#106

What about just “Building a solid Base”
and when you change the stack in the future you do not need to change the name of the topic.

#107

About GM

A few days ago I watched Pitch Perfect 2 with my fiancee.
It’s a music Film about a capella groups.

The last scene made me cry like a baby.
At first I didn’t know why. It was about the heros winning the world championship.

Then I realized it.
Instead of singing Mashups and covers, they sang their own song. And won the title.
They SANG THEIR OWN SONG

I’m not singing my own song yet. I do everything to keep my surroundings happy. But not me.

And that’s what Genesis is about. Singing your Song. Doing your thing. Following your purpose.

It was a harsh reminder that I really need to change my life for good.
I need to sing my own song. Just for me.

I’m not responsible that my mother hears the song she wants to hear, or my grandmother, not my uncle and not my fiancee.

I need to sing the song I need to sing

Thanks, Genesis Mogul for reminding me.

1 Like
Main Disc. Thread - Genesis: Mogul (Now Available!)
#108

Btw, I’m dropping NewEmp for the moment.

I’m to irritable at the moment. It’s not the energy I need to negotiate highly sensible topics with my family.

GM did great things for me. Made me realize a few things about my purpose and that I need to follow it. Since step one is finding a job to pay my bills, independently from my family, I’m keeping it.

Since I need to heal my sexuality and be able to use this energy on productivity, I followed my heart and got KB for it was the title that drew me to SC.

And I got Phoenix. I’m fed up with all the drama from the trauma from my past. I need to burn it for good. Therefor I chose Phoenix to do this job.

I’m just not sure about the listening schedule.

1 Like
GM, KB+DRP. Advice on schedule
#109

@ouroboros reminded me, that it’s not adviced to rotate more than one title per cycle.
Listened to both today already though.
Then it’s stays with NewEmp, GM plus one more.
KB or DRP is the question.