Yeah definitely reconciliation.
Just need to take a deep breath and chip away at this thing one thing at a time. That’s my biggest issue. My life is a bit of a clusterfuck and I’m easily overwhelmed at times with how much I have to do.
I think it’s because I put a lot of energy into my music. A lot of thought, a lot of learning, a lot of pondering, a lot of testing theories, a lot of analyzing music. A lot. It just doesn’t seem to manifest in any way that could support me in the world at the current moment which is the struggle right now.
And that’s just for music. Then I’ve got my job working in IT where I also think a lot, troubleshoot, learn new things, etc. My music is a greater priority in my head, it just is. Mentally I’ve got energy for one focus, I can’t split it without sacrificing something. But I feel incredibly irresponsible just chasing these goals and working on improving my craft. At the same time I just don’t give a fuck about anything else in the job/career world. I’m actually angry a lot of the time that shit gets in the way of my music all the time. I quite honestly feel like someone sent me on a long fucking detour away from my path I should have been taking since I was younger.
I’ve reached a point where I don’t know if I’m incredibly dysfunctional and I need to fix it. Or I’m just not in an environment I can thrive in and I’ve been blaming myself for it all these years. But really shouldn’t you be able to thrive in any kind of environment if you’re mentally healthy and well adjusted?
I don’t really know anymore. All I know is I’m sick of feeling like I’m forcing myself to do stuff I don’t want to do. Life has been feeling like one big obligation vs an experience to be enjoyed.