I will be journalng (how is that not a word with spell check lol) every day for the next month.
Even just to say nothing new. You have full permission to blow my journal up if you do not hear from me within a 24 hour period. I am doing this to build integrity and discipline and to monitor my performance in real time since I will be doing a very specific stack.
Day 1
I’ve been feeling a lot of pain around relationships this last week. I’m experiencing some stuff internally and externally I thought I had moved past, but it’s clear there is more for me to learn and adjust.
I also had a relapse into Yes Nut End of October. the two were probably correlated. Three woman it was going amazing with, 1 I had been seeing, 1 I was hitting it off with, 1 totally new. The first disappeared, the second is making logistics of getting together unnecessarily complicated, and the the third I have not followed up with, cause I’ve been in a ‘vulnerable’ space and not wanting to feel rejection. This is very unlike the new me and a lot like me of 4+ years ago. My internal dialogue has been kind of angry and like ’ well fuck these people then’. Anyway I’m going to give a week before I do anything if I do anything about it at all. I’ve been especially ‘hurt’ by the one who disappeared who I was essentially in a relationship with and lots of old hurts have been surfacing in relation to this
I should note this happened during a week with plenty of Khan stage 1 and a little khan stage 2, on top of Terminus customs and Q customs, so I was probably asking for it.
So I woke up today feeling a bit bummed out, and I played 1 loop of Emperor Terminus X
Very quickly I felt like a completely different person, the hurt faded away completely I knocked out 3 pages of writing, my morning routines, and finished off two work projects, a new one came in that had more responsibility, it was retainer job, so no extra incentive, but I handled it really giving it everything I had, and surprisingly enjoyed it more than usual. Sent in an invoice, and realized I have a lot more money than I though I did, I had just been stalling on submitting it for whatever reason. Then I handled various logistics, tracked my passport renewal down, dealt with insurance etc. It was great, no resistance, just taking care of things.
I listened to a Robert Greene interview while working.
The link goes to my favorite 5 minutes about his new book Law of The Sublime
My friend called to drive me to the gym, went there for two hours, I’m going every other day for 6 weeks now, came home shake, dinner, back to work.
I’ve been feeling very hopeful today, grateful, and enjoying the little things-Joi De Vivre shining through perhaps.
Everything felt free and in control at the same time today, everything fit into place of my intentionality.
I will run my custom healing sub tonight Regeneration/Survival Instinct/ PCC Core-I’m calling it Apocalypse Phoenix -for surviving, rising, and thriving at the metaphorical, end of days, of my current life (hopefully metaphorical given the climate lol)
Then run Elixir
and then Run Azriel Q overnight for a couple loops.