So really interesting night. I feel a totally turning point.
This smacked so hard like a challenge manifested from Emperor it’s crazy, and has
me slightly concerned about my continued use of this sub. Not out of fear but because there really is no turning back. It’s possible PCCQ contributed to what I will share as well.
Long synopsis ahead, mostly for my own journal writing / processing benefit, may be entertaining or of some value.
A woman I’m seeing who I’ve been looking to coordinate meeting up with, reached out to me.
I like this girl. I’m attracted to her, she’s cool, a little wonky and needs to pull her life together. But we’ve had a lot of fun. Boundaries get a little weird sometimes, were friends with benefits, and sometimes I coach her on stuff after we sleep together. Not intentionally but because I do life coaching part time and because she wants support with some stuff she is going through, it kind of just ends up like that.
She reached out saying she wants to see me before I head out of town, and I’m a little hesitant as she canceled on me two times on me before in the last 10 days at the last minute. I forgave it because she lives close by and tends to be disorganized and this is unusual for her. Something jhad seemed up but its clear shes down this time.
I go over and while there is always a little bit of ice breaking, she seems extra withdrawn, physical total attraction, can feel it, but the conversation is stifled, she seems in her head, and barely able to be there. She’s been going through some challenges lately so I ask her if shes doing alright and shes says yes. We move to the living room and I sit on the coach and she sits on a coach far away. This is not unusual for her, she creates a lot of distance before coming in sometimes. She seems distracted, asking me about other people in my life and I feel really uncomfortable with what’s unfolding, something feels dead ended and wrong.
I stand up and and walk closer to where she is sitting, and again I feel the physical attraction and she says, ‘I’m pretty tired I might call it a night soon’.
This is like 30 minutes into my coming over,
My alarm bells go off -I have a choice, in the past the player me would see this as a bad sign at worst or a test and keep going, say sure let’s call it a night soon …and then make things more fun, engaging, or go directly to seduction.
But my assertiveness comes out I don’t want to waste my time anymore, I say ‘why don’t I just leave now then’ and she says 'why don’t we hang out a little more, let’s take a walk outside. ’
Now what’s weird about this situation is she is showing extreme signs of physical attraction and interest the whole time, while her intellect and emotions seem completely withdrawn. She seems closed down but attracted and I am wondering how interested I am in her at this point, I feel very attracted but really annoyed at her behavior, she’s acting avoidant and like she’s hiding something.
In the past I’ve been needy, I’ve sought emotional gratification over results, I’ve pressed things, and I’ve learned not to do any of those things, to keep my cool, hide my emotions, walk away. And now I’m seeing a third more authentic way.
We took a short walk and then went to sit on her stoop, I said ‘I gotta ask, you cancelled on me twice, and called tonight short, this seems very distinct then the way things normally go, whatever there for you, no problem but I don’t want to do this, it’s doesn’t feel good to me. Is there anything you want to share that’s different in your experience’ .
The old me would have cringed at how uncool it would be to ask this or press this issue, or I would have done it in a needy, repulsive way. But I felt rock solid. I was standing for a value of mine, and I considered what she was doing to be mistreating me and taking me for granted. I wouldn’t do it to anyone. I would say what was there for me if something was up or wouldn’t make plans.
She was very uncomfortable with this question, I was as skillful as I could be in making her feel comfortable and we had a convo heated and then cool back and forth and finally she said she didn’t feel connected to me. She said our ambiguous context of friends and sexual was challenging for her, and that she didn’t feel like we connected.
What’s weird about this is the physical attraction was still so strongly there, I could have leaned in and kissed her and it would have been 100% on.
In retrospect I should have said well lets find a way to relate where we feel more connected and seen what she thought of that. Because that’s what I wanted too.
But what was driving my ship at this point was meeting my need, I felt a need to extricate myself from her bullshit. I could tell she wanted me there, but all on her terms. To have her cake and eat it too. Now I know pressing things with people your dating/seeing forces usually a negative outcome. But what was important here for me was deeper than that.
I was very surprised by that she said she felt this way, we’ve spent hours and hours having fun, talking about the deepest shit until the early hours of the morning.
Part of me felt like she was being delusional cause of whatever space she was in, part of me was annoyed, and I also totally understood what she was saying. We had been disconnected lately. Although I believe her cerebration leads largest sense of disconnection.
I basically told her I really enjoyed our time together and how I had no interest in hanging anymore if she felt that way. I said I didn’t understand how or why she felt that way and basically asked her what she wanted. she said ‘she didn’t think we should hang if we didn’t connect’. I said agreed, and then asked to get some stuff I had left there. We went to go get it, and I felt relief to have a clean cut rather than some drawn along thing without any resolution.
I said I felt good to get this in the open, as it had been in the space. She said she felt no resolution. I asked how can you not feel good about ending something with someone you felt disconnected hanging with, it was fucking with her in one way but I honestly meant it as well. She got pretty upset at this. I chilled it out and gave her a hug goodbye…again such strong attraction we could have started making out then and there. I went to walk out and said,
'if you find any more of my stuff let me know and feel free to reach out if anything changes
and she asked me how I was
Then it hit me how sad I actually was, in the past I would have tried to hide this or play cool
I said ‘honestly, I’m really sad’ and just looked at her. Total vulnerability but totally in my masculine power, I’ve never felt anything like it. I also saw the connection that had missing (I just think that comes when two people are expressed and honest and she had not been until I blew the situation open). She got really submissive and started holding my hand and then looked up at me. Again could have gone in for the kiss, but it was too weird at this point so I walked away with her holding onto my hand pulling it out and did not look back.
This has to be the most powerful ending to a meaningful relationship I’ve had.
Maybe I could have played it differently, Maybe could have salvaged it, I really still want to sleep with her more, I’m sad she said what she said, but it’s clean and I’m moving on. Maybe she’ll be back maybe she won’t.
This was such a sudden departure from the easy flow of what we normally have, I am 100% convinced it’s either or some combination of Emperor Forge or PCCQ… I feel like a completely new person out of this challenge.
