So, after my really difficult last two weeks, the tide has turned, but not in the way I would normally want. I finished my month not nearly as strong as I’d like and my sales are somewhat back on track with a strong start to this month, but some things have come really strongly too light lately.
I hit a breaking point where I realized I was obsessed and chasing so hard, and I couldn’t let go or be with my lack of success. This is probably one of the reasons I am successful but I never saw the double edge of this so clearly. I literally couldn’t stop. I worked about 60 hours just in the sales job, in this swirled negative state, chasing the turnaround. Ready to tell people to ‘fuck off’ when they wouldn’t close. Of course, I didn’t do that- but that kind of space. I noticed how angry I was at other people doing well; at first, I blamed lead quality- ‘which was true to a certain extent,’ and then I started doubting and questioning everything about myself.
I’ve been in this space/state when things are not going well. I keep having larger gaps between these experiences, and it has been about 80 days since my last one. I was in sales God mode for a while.
Mountain Breaker/ Plataeu Transcendat/Last Stand/ Fenrir/ and Furious Ascent are all in my sales custom. The closest I can describe to this internal combo is Asta from Black Clover. Its absolutely unyielding, and this can be a double-sword
Anyway I’m strongly considering Dragon Reborn Gold even though I don’t know how dialed it would be for my stack because I am really not liking some of the elements I am seeing off myself lately. Not sure if recon, just a couple weeks of really being off my game but I’ll list them. I feel like I’ve crossed to the other side of this but I"ll list them. This was increasing over the last two weeks and now I’m in a different space- all the below is much ‘quiter’
- I’m volatile -happy when things go my way, angry when they don’t -to know ok when things go my way not even happy, insanely upset when they don’t
- Not really focused on self care or ROI activities
- I chase sales success at the expense of everything else and then feel depleted and resentful when things don’t turn
- I’ve been really doubting and questioning both my ability and my faith in manifestation, the universe to deliver on the huge results I want
- I’m defining myself worth through my sales success, feel like a loser when things don’t go well, and not even like a winner- but like relief and I ok when I have success.
- Jealousy and competitiveness was through the roof.
- Newer people and people who do worse than me normally succeeding infuriate me, people blowing me away or way outperforming me infuriates me
- Way too hooked in, and in that negative space of monitoring lead quality and unfairness and justifying it. Seeing others sales
- I can always be a bit myopic, but my perspective has gone out the window.
- I think I’m always like this but when I do well it matters less or perhaps it’s recon.
I also think part of it is that I have a baseline intensity that needs to be channeled into things and if I don’t have enough going on in multiple endeavors I get to obsessed and tied into one.
All these are elements I love about my character and the shadow of drive and winning. As funny as it sounds, I am glad to see these things more clearly. I also see it’s because I am disowning winning drive. I’m also noticing I’m discerning it and noticing control and executive function around it lately. It’s a balance of authentically letting go and striving to be my best by focusing on what matters. I can then invite in/create a more playful, competitive. spirit. Or just be really focused and own being competitive to do the best. It’s not actually a race or competition but that’s also why I like sales,-its another form of winning aside from the sale itself.