Man this sounds so relatable. We really got brainwashed into thinking we are missing out on life, although we already do everything we can to pursue our dreams.
There is always this nagging fear of “I am going to die before I experience my dreams coming true”
Guess we have lost faith in life
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Desire to listen more, but I think that’s just me wanting to get there faster and getting tired of how my life is right now. But it’s important to remember it’s not how much exposure I get, it’s what I do with it.
I’ve been waking up in the morning very emotionally heavy. I’m just digging through and processing this stuff. I’m not seeking to understand where it comes from or what it’s about. I just have my mind set on my goals and I whatever comes up I deal with to the best of my ability. This seems to be the best approach for me. Don’t go looking for issues. Just target the things that immediately pop up when I push a certain direction.
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Wow, I was just about to post something I wrote in a hate fueled rant targeted towards myself. But I paused and read back what I wrote and it made me realize what I needed to change in myself. The main thing I need to work on is self compassion. I don’t know if this is in AM, but I just know I lack it severely. It’s definitely a skill, one I never cultivated for myself.
I didn’t grow up with the hardest circumstances from an outside view, but it was hard for me. I fell behind in a lot of stuff. Social skills, experiences, love, skills, career development, confidence, etc. A lot. I’ve been beating myself up about that for years now. Listening to subs, criticizing myself for taking so long to un-fuck my life. Anytime stuff got rough or I got overwhelmed with how much I still needed to do it was never me giving myself encouragement or understanding. It was always criticizing how much of a coward I was, lazy, failure, or incompetent. Motivation by shame, it doesn’t work. And even if it does you’ll never feel good about yourself. It’s a horrible motivator, it’s like whipping yourself to get things done. You’re essentially your own slave. Men get this the worst in my opinion, there’s a difference between being strong vs bottling shit up and pretending to be strong. Strength is your relationship with yourself and being able to get through the hard times without beating yourself into the ground.
I think a lot of it stems from me comparing myself to others. There are some people out there that don’t even know or can’t comprehend what it feels to be suicidal. They’ve never been through that dark place where you can barely move, eat, function. So when I went through that a few years back I felt like a failure or weak for being unable to pull myself out of it. And even when I did come out of it, it pretty much scrambled my brain. And it was like having to learn everything from scratch. Everyone else was “ahead” of me. Two things to note, 1 depression DOES physically alter your brain. It’s not permanent, but if anyone tells you “it’s all in your head” they don’t know. 2 I’ve talked with a lot of people that just assumed everyone felt that way and coped with it better. It’s not true and that was the insidious thought that gave rise to my self-abuse in the form of harsh criticism.
So I wrote this post for myself, but also anyone else reading on this journey. Don’t fall into the trap of making it a requirement to achieve all the goals of the subs before you show compassion for yourself. Life is too short to be engaged in an eternal tug of war inside of yourself. Part of you may think, why should I feel good about myself when I haven’t achieved xyz? If you’ve been conditioned, as I have, it might feel wrong to feel good about yourself for no reason whatsoever. But I’m starting to realize that’s where the internal strength comes from, that’s what give you the ability to weather the storm when things get rough. That’s your foundation, anything else is just the icing on the cake. People always talk about this, but it’s not a simple awareness or idea you understand logically. It’s a skill, one you usually have to practice if you’ve spent most of your life telling yourself you weren’t good enough.
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I’ll be 40 very soon. I don’t have a driver’s license. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a girlfriend (yet). I also don’t have a long term career or life long accomplishments outside of university.
Have I wasted a lot of years? Definitely. Am I lower down on some social ladder. Probably. Do I care now? Hell no.
Thanks to these subs, I now realise that life is about experience. However much you “achieve” in life is supposed to add to your experience. Good and bad, whatever. You’ll take it with you when the grim reaper calls.
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I am almost in the same situation with you , Michel. Thanks for the inspiring post!
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Inspiring post. These 2.5 months of running Emperor have been more about weathering the storm rather than self-gratification. I am in a similar situation as you.
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@Fractal_Explorer A combination of Rebirth and cleaning up decades of toxic emotional shit from Khan ST1.
This is why @Lion @Flake_And_Milk you must enter the cave, because the dark has special gifts for you that you cannot find in the light. Be brave.
@King Emperor is a beast of a sub, enjoy the immediate treats, but look forward to the massive payoff.
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Thanks man. Eventually I was going to get on Khan but I chose AM because I felt I needed to build a strong foundation first. I knew it would challenge me enough to the point where I made changes. Khan seemed a little more advanced for me and I didn’t want to bite off more than I can chew.
How long did you use AM for before switching to Khan?
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@Fractal_Explorer I did one month, and planned to listen for at least three before THAT sales email.
AscMogul gets better with each month: saving and making money, getting respect and promotions, dating women etc. As far as alpha subs go, it’s one of the best.
AscMogul was achieving largely the same things as Khan in a much shorter timeframe, so you picked a damn good foundation to start with. Khan is a super heavyweight.
Do realise though that Khan has Ascension and Mogul contained within, but takes at least six months-one year to “complete”.
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Oh didn’t realize that about Khan. Yeah AM is hitting all the right spots for me. It’s much needed for my growth. I told myself I won’t switch from it until I can say with certainty I’ve reached my goals. There’s a lot of gaps where I feel like lacking them basically contributes to me re-experiencing the same life situations over and over again, just in different locations. Like a horrible loopback of getting everything I don’t want in my life.
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Flip flopping again. I’m going back to listening at night and then rest days when needed. I added up stuff during my week for how much I listen per day. If I’m being generous it’s probably about 5 hours. Then I get home and get settled, from there maybe about another 4. So 9 hours total. On the weekends depending how my day goes I get way more. Especially if I’m just making music most the day. I notice on those days I feel much better. A bit worn out sometimes, but I can feel myself being pushed in the direction I need.
I’ve been trying to make this journey as easy as possible for myself and I think that was my mistake. Always thinking stuff like “it shouldn’t be this hard, something is wrong, I’m not doing something right”. When the truth is it’s not always easy and looking for the easier solution sometimes is a way to not face what needs to be faced. My main excuse for not doing the 24/7 thing was being tired. But guess what? I’m tired anyway. And I’m tired because of the stress of engaging in old faulty habits and beliefs. So it makes sense to just double down and erase that shit, regardless of what I have to go through to get there.
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Switching back to nights was definitely the right call. I feel more in line with what I’m looking to change in my life vs battling to get it. Most likely battling a part of me that doesn’t want change. I was meditating and trying really hard to let go and overcome that battle. I guess what I really needed was more exposure to the sub to override it. Now it feels like I’m on autopilot as far as thinking positive and moving forward goes. Don’t have to expend energy monitoring my every thought, this seems like how you’re supposed to respond to subliminals to me.
Officially don’t care about my job. I can’t believe I put that thing before my own needs so much. Always thinking about it, worrying if I was doing a good enough job, etc. Right now my focus is exclusively on my music. That’s what I want to do and I’m gonna do it. No more seeking validation if it’s the right thing to do or listening to other people that want to tell me how it’s not possible. I’m starting to see through the bs people toss around without thinking if what they say is true or not or comes from limited thinking.
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You’ve officially broken the spell of the corporate work culture. I had dreams of working so hard that someone just had to see my brilliance and promote me. Now? Just give me the money and clock out. Sad but it’s the truth.
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I’ve been burned before at other jobs. This one is really my only “real” job. But learning the hard lesson that as a business I’m expendable and they aren’t looking out for me is the best lesson I’ve ever learned. It’s definitely sad, when you can do so much more with regards to leadership and your employees. But naively thinking everyone wants to go about it that way caused me to bend over backwards, I trusted blindly. I won’t make that mistake in the future. I’m the most important thing in my world, not them.
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Congratulate yourself on learning this early enough. Most of us get depressed and burn out, and still dont get it. Most dont get it til the end of their life.
Now is your time to turn the ship around
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Just a small update. My sleep is absolute trash lately. Lots of tossing and turning. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Keep waking either before my alarm clock like 10 minutes and being abruptly awaken after slipping back into a deep sleep. Or ripped right out of dreams when it goes off.
But the night listening will continue. I’ve got too much bs in my life to slow down. Just have to work through this. But definitely a lot of frustration going on, especially because it feels like I’m tired of this job and office work lifestyle. But I want that frustration and anger to grow and push me out of it, to get to the point where I don’t care and I’m willing to make drastic changes and face my fears.
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Does anyone feel sick when listening to the subs at times? Like a sort of churning in the stomach? Almost wanting to throw up, but not physically more emotionally? I don’t really know how to describe it.
Feels like there’s a reconciliation thing going on trying to get me to stop listening at night again. My mood took a serious nose dive today. And when I was listening during the day the longer I listened the worse and worse my mood got. It was like I was being dragged further and further into this terrible feeling. Not only did I feel completely hopeless about anything in my life, when I got home I couldn’t even gather the energy to work on music. I felt so low. This overwhelming sense of sadness engulfed me and weighed me down. And I wanted so desperately to escape it or distract myself from it somehow, but I knew inside I had to work through it.
Part of it is this girl I work with. I’ve been talking to her more and there’s this sort of unstable feeling of wanting to know her more vs keeping my distance. And something I have to throw out, I’m basically starved for female attention so when I get it even the slightest bit my mind goes nuts. Sometimes when this happens I can’t even tell if I really like the girl or if I just like the idea of her giving me attention. Yeah not the most secure thing. But here’s the kicker. She’s married, so I’m 90% certain whatever type of attention she is giving me is just platonic friendly stuff and my stupid brain is blowing it up to mean something more.
If I had to guess at this point my mind is doing somersaults holding the two differing views in my head when it comes to all this. One is being an utter fucking loser nobody likes vs a cool relaxed easy going friendly person that people enjoy the company of. So the result is me simulatenously wanting to interact with people and at the same time have nothing to do with them. And the huge contrast between these two is driving me insane. I just want to slam my head into the wall in frustration.
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Dig deeper where is that starving for female attention and validation coming from ?
What do you think is the root cause
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