Not currently. Although it was on my mind to buy to help me integrate more of what I’m learning with music production
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I’m gonna just report how I’m feeling inside lately, but regular old labels don’t really do it justice. It kind of feels like that feeling you get when you’re rejected. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach? But then it feels like taking that and dragging you through broken glass. I don’t want to feel it anymore, but at the same time I know it’s always there. I just got better at distracting myself. Being non-reactive to it, letting it run it’s course without getting tied down in the meaning. These are just echoes of the past. But man are they fucking painful.
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Very interesting. What do you think is behind and underneath that?
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I truly have no idea. And I don’t know if there ever will be a reason or epiphany behind it or not. I could speculate on any number of things, but I still wouldn’t know for certain. All I know is the pain is there to be healed and I have to focus on making my current life the best as possible for me and stop living in the past.
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Well, to add at least a little note of positivity, if you could speculate on a number of things that are personal to you and your experience, what could be the most possible reason or epiphany behind it that you could come up with @Fractal_Explorer?
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The only thing really is how my mom raised me. She would sometimes be there physically, but not emotionally. She actually called me one day a couple months ago because she was upset about that when she was raising me. That I sort of “fell through the cracks” compared to my other two brothers. Also I’m a middle child and from what I’ve read that can contribute to problems as well. My mom isn’t the most emotionally healthy person, but she was by no means a bad person. But I guess that might have been transferred to me. I can’t say for certain that’s what it is, but it’s my closest guess. And honestly even if that’s what it was, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s the past and how I treat myself now is all that really matters.
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I agree. Now and what you choose your future to be based on what you do now is what really matters 
You are SO right.
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Were you made responsible for your younger siblings? That could have increased the felings of neglect.
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Nah. But I was a mediator a lot of the time. Typical of middle children though.
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Feels like the darkness has passed, I hope. Coming out of it I realized that I may not have been built up the best way possible as a kid, but I still have that opportunity now. I have the chance to be who I want to be. To forget who I’m “supposed to be”. What do I want? What does my soul yearn for? No answer is wrong, if it’s a desire within me it’s the path I want to take. I’ve been so focused on authenticity all my life, unfortunately that meant hanging on to old limiting beliefs about myself. The whole “well I guess this is just how I am so I better make the best of it” mentality.
I started AM to redefine myself and my life. I’ve been living in a limiting way for far too long. People disrespecting me, taking advantage of me, the world basically steamrolling me. I don’t like being domineering. But I do want to be strong enough and exude a presence that makes other people not want to mess with me. Right now I feel like a target and the manipulators of the world love sinking their teeth into me.
Part of me still has my doubts about these subs. I’ve tried so much in the past and failed to change enough to the point where I felt like I’d truly turned my life around. All my life it’s felt like I couldn’t change and I’ve felt stuck or trapped. I’m just hoping these subs can help me do it.
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All of that, all of that, right here.
Don’t have anything more profound to add than that. It just suck ass.
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That’s awesome man! So is that what being domineering means? To be strong enough and exude a presence that makes other people not want to mess with you? I don’t know how to feel about that.
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@Michel It definitely does suck. I’m just glad you see it too because for years I was convinced that I wasn’t a target. But I might as well have been painted with a red bullseye.
@AMASH Domineering to me is like those pseudo-alpha types. You know the pushy ones, the ones that utilize fear or intimidation to control people. I don’t want that. I don’t want to intimidate people or any of that crap. I’m just saying most manipulative people sniff out the targets they know they can manipulate. I want to be able to convey to them that it’s a bad idea or ideally not even be on their map of targets.
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Very legitimate @Fractal_Explorer, and I really hope you can find in yourself how to scare away manipulative people forever. So only good positive people are left.
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Thanks man. And thanks for the support in this journal. It means a lot to me.
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Had a bit of a epiphany today. I was contemplating who does most of the heavy lifting when it comes to changes the subconscious vs conscious. But then I realized it’s a team effort. The subconscious is the blueprint and the conscious mind executes.
I’ve been feeling like crap these past few days, doesn’t help that I was sick. But I was basically running in a loop in my mind over and over how nothing has changed. How I still wake up in the morning with this pit of dread in my stomach and not wanting to deal with the day. How life was a struggle, yadda yadda, you know how it goes the shit that makes you feel bad.
Basically I realized I’ve been waiting for changes on the outside of my life to change the inside. Meaning when I wrote something good I’d consider myself a great producer, when I get a higher paying job that respects me I’ll consider myself a valuable asset, when more women show me interest I’ll consider myself attractive, etc. You get the idea. I have it all backwards. Building that unshakable sense of a new identity is where the real change happens. It starts in the mind and branches out into the world. It starts in the imagination. So when I thought of what I really wanted my life to be like and I felt like I couldn’t even imagine it, that was the place to start. Becoming more comfortable with a radically new sense of identity is going to be the key to me and reinforcing that without slipping back into old habits.
I’m going to be reading Neville Goddard again more consistently as I fell off with that. But I see now my sticking point has been an unwillingness to just change what I believe about myself and waiting for outside confirmation of that. Very basic stuff. But sometimes you do have to go back to the basics.
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Awesome epiphany!
Are there any small practical ways you can start benefiting from this epiphany in your life?
That’s deep. And there was a book published a few years ago helping people be aware of this realization that you might find useful.
Although the title is controversial, it is really just a deep dive into what you said.
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Definitely. Basically what Neville Goddard refers to as a “mental diet”. Calmly watching my thought patterns and redirecting them to what I want. As much as the subliminals work on the subconscious level if I’m constantly tearing down that foundation from a conscious level I won’t move forward.
I was going to buy this book a while back, but decided not to. I appreciate the recommendation, but I’m done seeking knowledge or guidance outside myself. For a long time I bounced from book to book seeking pillars of security in concepts or life philosophies. I’ve come to realize the most empowering thing is defining these for myself and challenging the limitations I’ve constructed in my mind. Maybe in the future when I’m more secure in myself I can take a look. But as of right now it feels a bit like going back to addiction with security seeking reassurance patterns.
I’ve decided to give the day listening, nights off listening pattern a shot. I’ve been listening to subs for close to 8 years now. I just realized in that time besides a few breaks, I’ve basically had stuff running at night while sleeping. Ever since I started that I’ve been crazy tired all the time, very low energy. I think deep restful sleep is important. More than modern society believes at the moment. If it turns out it was a mistake no biggie, but if I never try it out I’ll never know.
Anyway, I took a night off and I have to say I was a lot more clear headed the next day. I also started a new track, felt inspired. As I was getting stuff down I started trusting my own instincts more. I realized things like rhythm, harmony, melody, all that is a very personal thing. I’d often try to emulate someone else’s rhythm and it never felt “right”. I realized yesterday my music should be about vibing to my own internal rhythm and it’s going to be different and that’s ok. Much like personality, it’s better to accept it and embrace than try to twist it into something else.
Along with that I’ve spent a TON of time reading about how to make music. I definitely haven’t spent enough time exploring it myself. My fears and anxiety surrounding writing music isn’t because of lack of knowledge. It’s a lack of practice and lack of familiarity with how to navigate the creation of my own ideas. None of that can be taught in a book, video, or seminar.
And finally I’ve been very much a recluse lately. I’ve been beating myself up about it and trying to get myself to get out more. But then I asked myself, why am I being reclusive? The answer was that my job was making me miserable. Going out, meeting people, it takes a certain amount of energy for me. My job has been draining that energy to the point most weekends I just want to be alone. The problem isn’t my behavior, it’s the thing in my life causing that behavior. I’m still trying to get myself together enough to look for a new job. It’s hard because as much as I’ve done at this job, I still don’t feel qualified for a lot of other stuff. But I recognize that’s a limiting belief, one that I can change. So I’ve been focusing on manifesting a job into my life that is easy, I get paid a lot, and I work in a healthy environment. No more terrible jobs, no more dealing with jerks, no more accepting being treated like a disposable utility. I won’t allow that to be a part of my reality anymore. Growing up I internalized that’s what jobs were, you put up with it, dealt with assholes, and brought home just enough money to pay the bills.
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UA is definitely helping me create music more easily and enjoyably. For the longest time I was caught up with the idea that I needed to create every little sound for my music. So I’d sit down to compose, make a sound from scratch, get a chord progression or bassline going, stop and make another sound, fit that in, etc. Very stop and go, killed my mood, killed my flow. Now I feel like I’m finally free to use the presets and samples other people have created. I no longer have that insecurity that I need to be able to create everything for myself. I’m still going to sharpen my sound design skills, but from now on it’s separate from composing. When I write, I write. No messing about with technical stuff.
All of this was really born out of insecurity and needing validation for taking on the harder aspects of music production. So I’d make things needlessly complicated because of my own ego. UA is definitely helping me streamline my process, weeding out what’s been holding me back, and killing those insecurities that make things more difficult for myself.
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Nice to read this @Fractal_Explorer
. Am doing Ultimate Artist too. Like yours is music, am trying to master writing as a career. Am sure we will do awesome 
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