Thinking about picking up the Libertine supercharger. I’m not really hurting for female attention, but to be honest my life has been overly serious. I feel like it would help me loosen up a bit and put myself out there more.
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True Social may help with this better. Libertine is definitely for when you’re trying to attract women, or you have a partner and you want to spice things up a bit.
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I said I’d give this a week but oof. I forgot how much listening at night disrupts my sleep. I think I’m done experimenting with that. Gonna have to take today off because it feels like I’m not ready for anymore input.
Having said that I had some huge emotional releases during the day. I’m learning not to suppress these emotions, which is actually quite difficult. Allowing myself to feel like a failure without telling myself I am a failure. It’s just an emotional charge that needs to dissipate.
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Yeah listening at night was a bad idea. I got a good chunk of exposure during the day when I was home yesterday so I ended up piling more on top. Today I was dead tired and started developing a tension headache, also a ton of anxiety. Been trying to just calm myself. Really interesting how this works for me. It seems like once I hit a certain threshold it becomes VERY difficult for me to calm myself again. Like a sort of internal panic. So for me it’s all about optimal exposure vs more of it. And having that time to process at night is very important otherwise I quickly end up in this overstimulated state. When I’m overstimulated like this it’s like I get locked out of processing my emotions, as if my body is telling me no I don’t have the resources for that.
Listened to the Elixir twice to see if maybe I could target it more. It helped a bit. I might have screwed up because I hit rebirth too many times. That one seems to be very emotionally draining for me and it’s in my stack twice, not sure how many times I heard it yesterday. And it’s entirely possible that compounded effect is just hitting me like a sledgehammer at once because I took a break today.
But this is good, I’m slowly understanding how to optimize my listening pattern to get the best results for myself.
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I can’t tell if I’m being negative at this job or I’m surrounded by people that just continually disrespect me. I get that I’m not in sales or marketing or whatever, I work in IT. That means my knowledge is limited to my area, it also means I’m probably not going to give a fuck about what your company is producing. That’s not why I took the job. But god, I feel like people here have such a narrow perspective on things and try to funnel me into it all and get upset when I either don’t know or don’t particularly care about an issue that doesn’t fall under my job responsibilities.
I’m at a point where I don’t care if I seem like an asshole. I’m sick of people only seeing things from their perspective and expecting everyone else to follow along. And the thing is I’m not a jerk, I treat people with respect, but I’m different and don’t fit their company culture so I feel like sometimes I’m singled out for that fact alone. Something I have no fucking control over. It’s like being in high school again. And I thought people grow up, mature, whatever. I’m coming to the painful realization that some people never leave that high school mentality and it just carries into an office environment. I can’t even express in words how utterly fucking disappointing that is to experience.
So with that, god I really want to move forward with AM and keep building upon this foundation until I can navigate this nonsense in day to day life. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it. It wants to think that I’m being overly negative and I have to try to be more positive and see the good in people and blah blah blah. You know what I’ve realized? I’m having my eyes opened more to people’s shitty actions and not letting myself be blinded by rose tinted glasses. It’s a hell of a wakeup call, but if I’m ever going to be happy I have to learn to no longer put up with people’s bs as well as be aware of it. That means people are going to think I’m an asshole when I don’t bend to what they want. I can’t let fear of not being a good person open up the doors for them to manipulate me.
But to be honest it is depressing, it’s always been. How dismissive people can be right off the bat if someone doesn’t tick all the right boxes for them or they’re an outlier.
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I both relate to this and simultaneously feel that you’ll come up with a way to make things work better.
To me, a lot of this process is about recognizing your power, owning it, and learning how to wield it better. That takes time, but it’s bound to help.
I think that’s what I’m working on, but I think it’s relevant in your situation too.
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For sure man. Definitely growing pains. All my life I’ve been conflict avoidant, a lot of that due to anxiety. I’m not gonna sit here and say I can stand up for myself 100% of the time. I really falter at times, old habits get in the way, I almost revert to childlike protection behavior. I used to really hate that part of me and criticize myself for it, but that only caused more pain. I still catch myself at times feeling like others are above me and then tolerate crappy behavior because of that.
It’s just definitely a whirlwind going on inside of my head right now. Literally everything I’ve ever known about how to navigate life is fundamentally wrong when it comes to other people. My entire foundation has been built on this weird approval seeking/low self worth/submissive behavior. And the heavy reconciliation is basically that old mentality vs the new one where I am equal and I shouldn’t take crap from people, but man are those polar opposites of each other.
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When do you plan to leave this company?
I’m still on the job hunt. Whenever I can find a job that pays me more and has a better work environment I’m out. I don’t want to just quit this without having anything good lined up first.
Since AM has a lot to do with manifesting opportunities, you could help to manifest a new job by concentrating on how good you will feel the day you leave your current job to start your new one.
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Really feeling like self isolating lately. Can’t tell if I need that or I’m pulling back because deeper emotional stuff is coming up.
Being social and talking with people around me is a drain sometimes. I just have nothing to say, I feel like I’m just so deep within myself. This will pass I’m sure, but for the time being I feel like I’m investing a lot of that energy in internal development and I don’t have as much for day to day stuff.
Does make me wonder about people who don’t do this deep digging/self exploration. Maybe they don’t have to as much because their lives weren’t as limited as mine. For better or for worse though that’s my life path now. Dedicated to internal growth and change.
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Their life experience is usually more limited
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Unintentionally got no exposure yesterday because I was hanging out with my family for Xmas. It was rough. Holidays usually have the opposite effect on me. I get crazy depressed on Xmas nowadays. It’s been hard for me to connect with anyone lately, so much stuff I’m dealing with internally. Don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like I don’t feel like I’m living in any way. I don’t have a lot to talk about, nothing to carry conversations unless it’s on a topic completely independent of my own life.
This lack of joy for things has been a pretty lifelong thing. I’d say it’s definitely a low grade chronic depression, but I don’t think it’s the source. Rather it’s just the symptom of much deeper things I’m working through causing it. It’s caused me to be a bit of an outsider at times and I’d find it hard to integrate. That’s the part that hurts. The want to to be part of people’s lives but at the same time not feeling the ability to maintain it.
Also had another nightmare last night. Woke up from it and just felt emotionally wrecked. It was this feeling like I couldn’t take this fear and anxiety in my life anymore. It’s gotten out of control. But I woke up this morning feeling like some part of that had cleared.
Lots of stuff running through my head.
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I literally had a very similar dream a few days ago with the exact same effect. It feels like the thoughts still come up, but they are empty now. They dont have the same emotional momentum they used to have.
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Nice. Sounds like progress for both of us
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Yes. I just wrote about it in my journal. Maybe these or similar signs will keep showing up.
I’m gonna get real honest in this post. So for years now I’ve basically been downplaying what I struggle with. I thought that if I gave it too much attention it would own me. I thought they were excuses. I thought the problems didn’t run deep and I just needed to think more positive or stop thinking a certain way.
Well I’m trying to face those things now. I deal with a lot of loneliness. Self imposed isolation. Self love and worth issues. It’s so bad to the point where I can’t receive love from others. It doesn’t click in my head, doesn’t feel real, I know they care about me but I don’t feel it for myself. To put it bluntly I am pretty fucked up. And we live in a society where you can’t say that. People just pelt you with little positive quips and lecture on happiness or positivity as if that’s not something I’m also trying to do. So I’m gonna put this here instead.
I am fucked up. I’ve been fucked up for most of my life. I’m actively trying to improve it every day. But that doesn’t change the fact that my head is a mess. I don’t want to pretend that I have things together anymore, that I have some great plan in life. Truth is I’m struggling and I’ve always struggled. Putting my head down and bulldozing through obstacles, well it gets me past the obstacles but in the grand scheme of things doesn’t do much for myself.
I just realized today that me continually pushing myself to work on music wasn’t some super strong work ethic or discipline. It was me throwing myself into something, ignoring emotional pain, and hoping that one day when I sink all these hours into my music and it turns into something my life will feel better. I felt that maybe, just maybe, this could be something I was good at. This could be my thing, something to be proud of, something that makes me valuable as a person. And that’s a really bad mentality to have because right there it just shows I think I have to be or do something to have any intrinsic worth in the eyes of others. In hindsight I look back on Christmas day with my family and I was just itching to go back and work on music. My head was just like “go go go, you don’t need human connection, this is more important, focus on your goals”. But what was really going on was “I don’t feel comfortable with all this intimacy, get me out of here, I need to keep working on my music so I’m worthwhile as a person”.
It’s a lot to process. I am considering going to a therapist for all this. I haven’t for a while because I felt like I should be able to do this all on my own. But I keep telling myself my life is improving when really I keep throwing myself into the same old patterns and refusing to acknowledge that there’s a lot of deeper shit going on here. I’m not saying I haven’t improved, I definitely have. But there’s a lot of unscratched stuff that I either don’t have the courage to face on my own or possibly can’t because I don’t have that non-judgemental space.
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Honest. Raw. Vulnerable. Insightful.
I definitely relate.
My intuition tells me that you are working with powerful insights that will take you to deep, and ultimately good, places. I hope that’s the case.
There’s so much more here than what is put into the words. But we need to use words to communicate.
This seems like a powerful, core truth. And, frankly, a clear objective. Establishing intrinsic worth is a lifelong mountain to climb. Even increasing it by one inch is worth more than gold.
Could be good. My exactly $0.02: If you do decide to work with a therapist, when you’re choosing the therapist, interview them as much as they do you. You’ve accumulated hard-won insight and intelligence along your journey so far. Just because you have not yet reached your goal, that does not negate the value of the experience, insights, and discernment that you possess.
An appropriate therapist will be able to honor the journey behind you as much as the journey ahead of you. They will not reduce you to symptoms or to a narrowly-defined objective. Your personal journey and the work you intend to do may not be easy or comfortable, but communicating with that therapist should be (more or less).
It might be really good if you can communicate to that person in a language and style that feel comfortable to you. For example, you might show them part of what you’ve written here and see how they’re able to understand/respond to it.
Anyway. 
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Why not practice self love right here, right now? You just took the first step.
I wonder what would happen, if you’d admit you are miserable? Looking in the mirror and saying it.
Really feeling it. And I wonder what would happen if you then, after a minute and a deep look into your eyes you’d add “And that’s ok. It is okay to be fucked up. I am a student of life just as everyone else is.”
What do you think would happen then?
This is from Sep. of your journal:
First of all it seems that there is a real disease causing your permanent problems.
If you are diseased with depression you will not get rid of it with subs or other tools.
Also the good old talk therapy is outdated. The success rate isnt that good. A colleague of me is phychotherapist and he is working with the latest tools to help quickly. The system is called ego states and is very popular. Here some infos about it:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/ego-state-therapy
Beside such an approach it could be unavoidable that you take medis for a while. Dysthymia can persist years but the good news is that it can also be vanish and you dont need medis anymore. Beside the whole psychology i would also check:
- the thyroid
- a great blood picture - vitamine minerals
- EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus - maybe a slow virus disease causing ME/CFS)
- Amalgam
- Vaccination given
- maybe finding a starting point in your history where it all begun
If you can not find any external issue or physical reason its more likely that your problem is
caused by an unbalance of neurotransmitter. Why? Nobody knows. Genetic factors are the main driver for those diseases. And it doesnt matter. Medis can help you and its not a bad thing to take them for a while. You will get over it!