Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist

Journals - Major Programs
#261

UA progress update. I’ve been stuck on this one track I’ve been working on. Normally I just leave it and go to something else. But I’m committed to finishing it. In general I’m sick of not finishing things. I want to explore all these different ideas but I just end up making fragments of stuff.

What really gets me is how some people can finish music so easily. For me it gets really stressful. I have to push through it. While I spend months trying to get myself to finish one song, some other person out there completed 4. It kills me. And it’s not me not trying, I put in the work. But it always feels like what I put in I don’t get back. Hardest thing is working close to a month on a song, finally finishing and realizing there was so much time wasted which amounted to absolutely nothing.

UA has helped. I’ve been moving past blocks and able to execute my ideas better overall. But I also feel like my unrelenting high standards for my own work just stomps all over my progress. One one hand it’s good I have a realistic view of where I’m at skill wise because I know how to grow. Some people are so delusional and just stay where they are because they’re convinced their music is amazing. On the other hand it’s paralyzing working on a project and realizing just how much I still don’t “get” or understand how to do. And it’s not technical stuff, it’s just the actual skill of songwriting.

I have trouble shutting that part off. If I could I’d just pump out tracks and bridge that gap, but as it stands I keep getting stuck and it’s frustrating.

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#262

I think the most important part in creating something, whatever it is, is actually finishing and releasing/publishing it ASAP. In this way, you gain self-respect because you see right in front of your eyes what you are capable of. You also gain a sense for economy, because while you can always refine and update your creating, it is already out there, earning you money.
So in conclusion I guess the best counterpart of this perfectionism-issue is a healthy portion of an economic-mindset

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#263

I think that’s my problem though. Nothing really feels release worth. Even when I do finish stuff. And even when people like my stuff I have a hard time accepting it.

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#264

That, to me, is where you’re really hitting it.

I always think that confidence is an extremely paradoxical beast.

You are actually extremely confident. It’s just that right now you’re confident about self-critical points.

Other people like your work, and you say to them, in essence, ‘You’re wrong and I’m right.’

On the surface, looks like low confidence. But look a little deeper: crazy confidence.

The whole world could tell you it’s great, but until your own feeling changes, you’ll reject all 7 billion of their opinions.

It’s your journey, your music, your feeling.

And one day, when your feeling tells you it’s right, it still won’t matter what those 7 billion opinions say. Confidence.

But what if this journey is not just about particular combinations of notes and rhythms (and maybe lyrics) arranged in time? What if it’s primarily about the emotional healing behind all of that? What if the internal adjustments are even more crucial than the external adjustments?

It’s sure as hell seeming that way.

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#265

Very true. It’s not really a surprise with how critical I am with my work. It’s been an ongoing thing I’ve been working on. But I think you’re right, this is more than the music. It just so happens music is the thing I’m interested in the most in my life so most of the criticism is centered around that. But that’s just really my old negative ways being filtered through some medium.

Which reminds me, it’s pretty crazy how much reconciliation I get with UA. You’d think something like AM would hit me harder. But I guess since I consider my music a very personal thing there’s a lot of fear in there. With music I care about it always feels like an extension of me and I guess those are the most private feelings. Unleashing that into the world isn’t exactly something I take lightly. Not exactly rational, but that’s been something I’ve been working on too.

Still much to be done with my relationship with myself it seems. I guess even though I’ve made this realization before, it never sticks. Continuing my cycle of self-hate and loathing isn’t gonna magically change when I write good music, get a better job, or find a relationship. I completely looked over the fact I’ve been running regeneration fairly consistently and I see now how I was using outside things as a substitute again to determine my own worth. Regeneration seems to be uncovering that and pushing me towards finding that self worth within myself instead. Not easy because if you live long enough with those feelings of unworthiness it’s almost like a knee jerk reaction to push away anything that makes you feel good about yourself. Talk about paradoxes.

Thanks for prompting the self reflection.

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#266

Another quick thing. Realized I have a long-standing pattern of dealing with fear and painful emotions by dissociating. I’m taking steps now to correct this. Unfortunately this is how I learned to cope in life, complete detachment from things while they still influence me under the surface. I’m recognizing I now have the emotional awareness and strength to deal with these things instead of running from them.

The dissociating is comforting and that’s always been the problem. I’d tell myself how could this behavior be bad for me if it reduces my stress and makes me relaxed? In the short term it’s relief, but in the long term I check out from life. Things pass me by, I fall behind on improving my life, and then when it gets bad enough I snap out of it. But that’s been the cycle throughout my life pretty much.

I think for me as well it seems whenever stuff would come up I’d either get overwhelmed and dissociate or get angry. Neither one was good because neither one actually was me learning to manage emotions in a healthy way.

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#267

One interesting thing is that the more you take ownership of these things and experience real changes and transitions (I think it’s more of a witnessing overall, than ‘making’ it happen, or at least that’s one way of looking at it), the less the self-judgment seems to make sense.

It’s not an achievement, really, that I’m talking about. It’s more of a sense of arbitrariness, in the creative sense.

This is not very clearly expressed.

But it’s like engaging that amorphous, shifting flow of life and nature, makes it harder to believe so much in the fixed forms of static views, including self-critical ones. It’s like they seem too small, limited, and convenient to possibly be so true. ‘True’ itself kind of shifts.

Pain still happens and shame can still happen too. But they’re more like sensations than Beliefs.

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#268

Definitely know what you mean here. It’s very abstract and I’d imagine this is how most people experience emotion. But since I’m coming from a past of holding things in and repressing I have to basically learn this. It’s not at all a logical or systematic thing and I think that’s what threw me off for years.

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#269

Man it feels like a battle royale inside my head lately. I was at work today and I seriously could not solve this issue I was working on because I was so emotionally distressed. I think part of it is I have to travel again soon in January and I hate it so much. So I know I have to leave this job and find something better, but at the same time the imposter syndrome really kicks in and I feel like none of my skills are valuable. Just going to ride this out, but man is it choppy waters.

On a positive note I felt a lot of gratitude this morning spontaneously which was nice. Even felt gratitude as if I already achieved everything I wanted out of AM and UA. That’s a sign that I’m closer. It’s no longer a question of how or if I can, but when.

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#270

Didn’t get sleep last night. Well I did, but just nightmares all night that kept waking me up. The content wasn’t really disturbing, it was just the level of fear being through the roof. Don’t know how to describe it, but it felt paralyzing and most of the nightmares were demonic and ghosts and stuff. Sent these waves through my body, like someone took the fear and cranked it up so my body was vibrating painfully. Weirdly I made out with a girl in the dream, but then she changed later and felt like she was trying to kill me.

Took today off from the subs to give my mind some rest. Must be regeneration because I feel engulfed in dread and anxiety right now. Feels like my mind is on fire.

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#271

Sounds like a **spirit**ual detox.

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#272

Definitely a fear based dream, and you definitely cleared something deep.

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#273

@Malkuth Like an entity that attached itself to me?

@SaintSovereign I have a feeling it’s not done yet, going to see what tonight brings. I have no idea what it was that I cleared. But I’ve always had this sensation of fear in my life. 24/7 non stop, unable to relax or feel safe. That dream was like that feeling x 1000. Felt like death was coming for me. Maybe really far back childhood stuff that doesn’t even exist as a conscious memory.

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#274

The mind is an ecosystem. What lives in that ecosystem, whether you interpret it as metaphorical, archetypal, or literal, is related to the overall quality and conditions.

As you heal and your internal environment shifts, some residents are going to leave, some new ones are going to arrive, and many are going to transform their relationships to you in order to adapt to the new atmosphere.

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#275

@Fractal_Explorer in what genre do you generally work/compose? what’s the music you love?

(feel free to not answer if you don’t feel like it, at the moment)

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#276

@Malkuth It’s a bit of a mix. I used to make a lot of drum and bass, that’s what got me into producing. Sometimes I’ve got weird ambient stuff, solo piano stuff(when I get lucky and my playing doesn’t turn out incoherent), house, hip hop, been wanting to make techno lately. All depends what I’m inspired by really. Most of it is electronic.

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#277

Funny. There’s a bunch of overlap with what I make. Also, ambient, downtempo, electronic. but very much influenced by jazz modes, time signatures and polyrhythms because that’s what in my soul.

One thing I’ve been doing since I have gone into a magickal direction is writing music inspired by or dedicated to angels and helpful spirits. Do I know exactly what they are? Definitely not. But most of the time I’m not quite sure what humans are either so that’s not a big issue.

#278

This is the jungle/drum&bass record I listened to the most back in the day.

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but it was mainly one song:

love that song. the chord progressions in the accompanying harmony that start at about 1:23. Get me every time.

Peshay was also a basic staple.

And as far as house, this is the typical sound I love:

It always comes back to chord progressions for me. Half the time, I could live without the vocals, especially when I’m way in my deeply introverted, misanthropic bag. haha. Then again there’s nothing like an amazing vocal. Bjork singing Isobel, Oceania, or Play Dead, for example. and I put vocals on some of my music. As long as it’s an instrument as part of the whole, and not dominating, it’s good with me.

Even the joyful songs that I love (like that house song) usually have a kind of melancholic or yearning thread running through somewhere in the key changes/chord progressions.

As I think of it, my experience of music is that it’s painting with emotional tones and hues, and probably some other elements that I haven’t really thought of. Personally, I could care less about virtuosity. It’s the tone that I care about. When a compelling tone is captured and conveyed. That gets me. So there are many great masters (e.g., Bach, Mozart, etc.,) I acknowledge their genius, but am not necessarily moved by them. On the other hand, a Satie or Debussy and even some Prokofiev (also masters in their own rights) will hit me right in the soul.

love this Prokofiev

Anyway, all of this is very subjective and personal, I know. We all respond to what we respond to.

I’ll probably throw some of these up on the Music Thread.

Anyway, just wanted to share with you a bit about music. Enough of that, and back to the proper journal.

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#279

Lol, crazy man you described my preferences too. I’m big on tones as well. A lot of my musical journey has been trying to figure out how to take my emotional landscape and put it in musical form. Some of my earliest works were drenched in pad sounds lol. I’ve tried to expand to different things, right now I’m working on more dancefloor/liquid style dnb, stretching my creative muscles. I definitely gravitate towards the more melancholic stuff too. Seems to leak out of me lol. It’s always a question if I should just keep going down that road or step outside and force myself to do different things.

That first track though is solid. I’ll have to check out that record, right up my alley.The house track too. I wonder if that break is from Earl Young’s drumming. Has that very distinctive philly soul sound to it. I’m a sucker for a solid break, probably why I was so into dnb lol.

Anyway always nice to talk about this type of music with people who know what it is. Not a lot of people in my life “get” what I make. How long have you been making music for?

This is really interesting too. How has that influenced your writing?

And feel free to derail my thread at any time, it breaks up the monotony. Always fun chatting about music. .

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#280

Confession time. I’m horribly jealous of successful artists. It’s been so bad that I usually default to trying to find a flaw in their stuff or I convince myself it isn’t that great. Fucking sucks, I hate being that way. I hate feeling like I need to be better than everyone else. I hate that I feel like if my music doesn’t reach a certain level it’s no good. Everything is too black and white in my head.

As of right now I need a lot more experience actually writing music. I’m not good at it. If I was I’d be finishing things and releasing them. The fact is I need to put in a lot more work. Where I screwed myself was being too heavily invested in this delusion that what I create was at a higher level. Of course when I went to actually write stuff that didn’t add up and my ego would rather hang onto the idea of being a good songwriter vs accepting I need a lot more work.

And that’s really the only barrier. Putting in the time. But I’ll never get there if I’m too afraid of not having my high standards match with reality.

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