Hey all!
I really struggle to hold myself still ie. Be assertive in business situations and tough life situations.
Does anyone have any advice with developing assertiveness in general?
Thanks!
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What’s the toughest thing you ever did???
Difficult to give a generic answer. I would say this: Most tough situations are with other people, and in reality, negotiations. I’d get very familiar with the Harvard negotiation project, book recommendation “Getting to Yes” by Roger Fisher and William Ury. That’s the gold standard for principled negotiations, and gives a very solid framework. (William Ury was a negotiator in Camp David, and very much does know his stuff.) Having a framework on how to deal with tough talks can make all the difference in your approach. There’s a few more books from that project, but this one is the starter.
Another one would be to get a mentor who’s very experienced in your area of business and can talk you through situations in detail. That should also be someone who’s got good experience in dealing with people.
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Chris Voss is good too.
He is. I would just say that he’s better (as in: more profitably) consumed when you’ve got a good foundation.
As an ex hostage negotiator he’s got a particular approach to negotiations, which you can slot into the Harvard approach. In hostage negotiations you cannot walk away. In the Harvard approach that is, very firmly, an option. It’s even in the subtitle of Voss’s main book: “Negotiating as if your life depended on it.” It almost never does. The flow really follows hostage negotiations - establish rapport etc. It is good stuff, very good, but it’s also just one angle of the story. Fisher&Ury’s works are more broad, and I would consider them foundational before anything else.
We should petition for a sub based on stuff like Ury and Voss!
That would be really interesting!
There’s a book by dr aziz called not nice he has several others as well where he discuses assertiveness etc but I highly recommend you check him out. He also has a free podcast called shrink for the shy guy where he’s done topics on assertiveness, I think he could help you out.
As for subs I think commander might help you. Commander will help increase ur status internally and externally so you can conquer urself and the outside world.
Edit
Here are 2 vids so you can get a feel for him
Building this myself as well. I think trying to be assertive is the least effective solution. Rather look at why you aren’t assertive. Are you afraid? Do you revert to child like behavior? Is there a disconnect with anger inside you?
Part of you is reacting in a non-assertive manner as a way to protect yourself. Find out what that is and you can slowly work on disarming that knee jerk reaction. Then from there it’s a manner of reinforcing boundaries more.
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Tbh, I’ve never done anything tough
Thank you for the lovely suggestions.
You know, I love reading these kinda self help. But I can’t seem to apply anything in real life.
Really interesting perspwctive. When I think it like this,
It’s because I’m 28, and I’m still financially dependant .
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I pledge my money for this
The reason I suggested the negotiation material is approaching assertiveness in a roundabout way (which might make it easier). What this does is put a huge emphasis on preparation. Any negotiation you enter well prepared will work much better for you. That’s not going to immediately help in every situation you ever encounter, but it certainly gets you started on situations that you know in advance are coming up. Might be worth a look even if you say you have difficulties applying this kind of thing in practice.
Sounds like a major barrier. I get it though.
What specifically makes you feel like you can’t be assertive because you’re financially dependent?
Then start doing stuff that challenges you.
Its a process, them more you do the more your self esteem will grow. Just start slow and don’t jump to the top of the toughest Mountain.
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Seems like you already know some clear objectives to tackle (applying yourself, gaining financial independence) in order to develop assertiveness in a way that’s best for you.
Develop your discipline and get clear on the things you will and will not accept as part of your life.
And the key here is: clarity. If you don’t know what you want, how can you stand up for yourself?
It’s easier said than done, so start small, build up over time, and don’t kick yourself too hard if you “mess up”…similar to what @Leandros said.
I recently adopted a philosophy from a mentor that might help you…it’s basically: “If you feel something, say something, but in a kind way. Not nice. Kind.” (This was with regard to business negotiations, but I’ve found it works well in my relationships overall. And it’s far easier to operate from that frame of mind when you’re clear on what you want and don’t want.)
Side note: don’t know what subs you’re running @mecharc , but try the refreshed GLM when you get a chance. It’ll help you with assertiveness without making you a tiny tyrant or raging barbarian. You’ll feel solid af internally and better able to express yourself in a way that’s congruent – at least, that’s my experience so far.
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