A walk through the Multiverse

Journals - Women's Products
#1

Hiiii. I’ve been thinking about starting a journal for a while now, so what the heck — let’s go. :joy:

I’ve been trying to “cure myself,” heal, find inner peace, become stronger, and honestly just understand myself and the world around me a little better. I’ve been through quite a lot in life, and lately there’s been a minor inconvenience… although looking back, maybe it’s actually been a lesson.

I’ve been listening to Monarch throughout August and I’m planning on continuing for a few months. Right now I’m doing full loops — not sure if I’m even using the lingo correctly yet, so bear with me. :joy:

Since I’m new, I’ve definitely been overthinking things. But at the same time, I wonder if the sub is doing something simply because I feel like I’m starting to look at certain situations from a different perspective.

Recently, I was targeted by a man. And I use the word “man” loosely here. :sweat_smile:

He was the kind of person who presented himself as a saviour. Someone who wanted to make you believe he was there to help, protect, guide, or “save” you.

And honestly? That experience taught me something.

I was already scared of the world, and especially of men, as I mentioned in my introduction. But I think I’ve learned that there’s another kind of danger that doesn’t necessarily look dangerous at first.

Sometimes the red flag isn’t someone openly showing you that they’re toxic.

Sometimes it’s someone going out of their way to tell you how non-toxic they are.

That was one of my biggest lessons.

I’ve also started thinking about how some people don’t really see you as a whole human being. They see what they can get from you — attention, validation, admiration, energy, status, opportunities, whatever it may be.

They keep taking and taking.

And they can do it through charm, lies, manipulation, acting, or simply by creating a version of themselves that they know you’ll trust.

The biggest lesson for me has been this:

When you discover one lie, don’t immediately assume it’s an isolated incident. Pay attention to the pattern.

Because if someone is willing to lie about who they are, their experiences, their intentions, or their reality, you have to wonder what else is being carefully constructed underneath the surface.

And I don’t think this only applies to romantic relationships.

It can happen at work. At the gym. In friendships. In communities. In hobbies. Anywhere people interact.

Someone can wear a mask for a surprisingly long time.

And I think one of the most empowering things a woman can learn is that you don’t have to prove someone is a bad person before you’re allowed to step away from them.

You don’t need a courtroom case.

You don’t need 50 pieces of evidence.

You don’t need to convince everyone around you.

If something consistently feels wrong, if their words don’t match their actions, if you keep finding inconsistencies, if you’re constantly confused, drained, or questioning your own perception — you’re allowed to listen to yourself.

You are allowed to leave.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to say no.

You are allowed to stop giving someone access to you.

And maybe that’s the part I’m noticing in myself lately.

Instead of getting completely consumed by “Why is this person doing this?” or “What did I do wrong?”, I’m starting to take a step back and observe.

Almost like I’m standing above the situation instead of being trapped inside it.

Maybe that’s what I mean when I say I’m trying to heal.

Not becoming someone who is never afraid, never hurt, or never overthinks.

But becoming someone who can recognize what is happening, trust herself, stand tall, and walk away when something isn’t right.

Whether the sub is influencing that or whether I’m simply changing because I’ve been putting more intention into myself lately, I don’t know yet.

But I’m going to keep journaling and see where this takes me.

And if there’s one thing I hope another woman takes from this:

You don’t need to wait until someone completely destroys your peace before you decide to protect it.

The thing that keeps getting me is the WHY.

Why would someone preach healthy communication when they can’t even communicate honestly with people?

Why would someone build you up, make you feel seen, make you feel safe, make you believe they genuinely value you… only to turn around and stab you and watch you hit the ground?

Why would someone dig deeper and deeper into your emotions, ask for more of you, encourage you to open up, make you vulnerable with them… only to eventually throw you under the bus?

I honestly don’t know.

Maybe they’re deeply unhappy. Maybe they’re insecure. Maybe they’re mentally unwell. Maybe they need validation so badly that they’ll use another person to get it.

Who knows.

And that’s the thing I’m learning: I don’t actually need to know why.

I used to think understanding someone’s motives would somehow give me closure. Like if I could just figure out why they did it, the whole thing would make sense.

But sometimes there isn’t an explanation that will make betrayal feel reasonable.

Sometimes people simply reveal who they are.

And I’m starting to realize that spending hours trying to understand someone who deliberately hurt me is still giving them my energy.

I’d rather put that energy into myself.

Into becoming stronger. Into healing. Into building my life. Into becoming the woman I want to be.

Because in this era, I genuinely don’t have time to sit around wondering about peasants while I’m building my empire. :joy:

Let them be confusing.

Let them have their masks.

Let them tell their stories.

I don’t need to attend every performance.

My job is to protect my peace, learn the lesson, and keep building. :crown:

9 Likes
#2

Very glad to see you benefiting from the title. Call me biased, but reading this thread – I see a lot of Monarch’s themes starting to shine.

A mixture of both. I’d say that you’re doing exactly what you need to do to grow and thrive.

4 Likes
#3

Thank you! :pray: It’s amazing how much clarity comes when you stop trying to fix others and start focusing on your own sovereignty. Ive had some intense 48 h of shedding old skins and recognizing patterns that no longer serve me. Feeling lighter and clearer every hour. The work is definitely working! :sparkles: I dare to believe Monarch has been a huge anchor in that shift. Onward and upward! :crown:

1 Like
#4

So much this!

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#5

Journal — Midnight thoughts

I’m feeling more grounded lately. More stabilized within myself. There is a quiet realization settling into me: I am exactly enough. I don’t have to earn my worth, prove my intelligence, or convince anyone of my value. I am an empath, a giver, and someone who naturally tries to see the humanity in others. I have always wanted to understand rather than judge. I did a full loop of Seductress this morning. I am feeling sexy and my vibe has gone out through the universe, a friend reached out and he was wondering if we could have a coffe together or a wine night this week. I got some new lingerie i ordered wich fit me perfectly and im sitting here feeling adorable, feeling like a snack :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. The universe has had a surprising way of cleaning out things that are in my way and ruining my vibe lately.

Feeling this laying here in my big cozy bed, my thoughts have been exploring different POVs… im learning so much in how perspective can change one internal reality…I’m learning that I can recognize when someone’s choices, patterns, or behavior are not aligned with who they want to seem to be…Some people genuinely struggle to build stability for themselves. Sometimes it comes from wounds, low self-worth, limiting beliefs, difficult circumstances, or patterns they have never learned how to break. I can have compassion for that without making their struggles my responsibility…

I’ve been thinking deeply about my own patterns, too.

For so long, I have wished to meet people who are honest, generous, kind, and emotionally sincere, people who give from the same place I do. But I’m beginning to understand that being open-hearted without discernment can create an opening for people who take more than they give. Emotional leeches… People who instinctively gravitate toward warmth because they sense that warmth will tolerate more than it should.

And I’m learning that kindness needs boundaries to remain sacred.

I’ve noticed patterns in the people I have allowed close to me. Sometimes insecure people feel safest when everything remains on the surface. When another person is compliant, accommodating, and easy to understand. But when something becomes real, when vulnerability or accountability enters the room …Even if it is something they might have actively been working their asses off to get, they get scared or they retreat, distort, manipulate, or discard. Reacting like a child in a grown ups body.

There are so many subtle ways people avoid truth.

And I’m finally learning to listen when my intuition notices them.

For a long time, I resisted the idea that people are products of their environments. I wanted to believe that everyone would consciously choose to transcend what they had experienced, for example someone that was raised by a narcissistic parent would become deeply self-aware, that someone surrounded by betrayal would consciously choose loyalty, that someone raised around violence would choose gentleness.

And some people do

But not everyone does…

People can repeat what they have survived.

That doesn’t mean they are destined to remain that way. But it does mean I don’t have to ignore the evidence of who someone is in the present moment because I was attached to who I believed they could become for a few weeks.

I’m learning to honor red flags instead of explaining them away.

My intuition is allowed to speak before my compassion starts making excuses.

There are patterns, tactics, masks, and performances everywhere. Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to understand how someone moves through the world. The way they speak about others. The way they handle accountability. The way they treat people when they no longer need something from them. The stories they tell. The inconsistencies between their words and their lives.

And now that I feel more connected to my own power, I can see these things more clearly.

I can see how small some people become when they are hiding behind different identities, different masks. But I also understand now that their hollowness is not mine to fill.

Their emptiness is not my assignment. :nail_care:

Their healing is not my responsibility. :upside_down_face:

Their choices are not my burden to carry.

And honestly, I knew this somewhere inside myself all along. I could see it clearly. But because I am naturally compassionate, I would always think, “But I would never lie about something like that. I would never create an illusion around my life that wasn’t true. I would never pretend to have a successful career while being unable to sustain myself. I wouldnt be lying about who i am i any sphere or dimension”

That was my mistake: assuming that everyone operates from the same internal compass that I do.

They don’t.

People have different values, different wounds, different levels of self-awareness, and different relationships with the truth…

I don’t have to understand why someone chooses deception in order to choose distance. But them lying to themselfs is their battle to handle.

And while I cannot control how another person sees me, I can control what I allow into my life and what i choose to spenfd time on… Entertaining underachieving worms aint it.

I cannot create a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to create stability within themselves…

And I cannot spend my life compensating for another person’s lack of emotional, financial, or personal responsibility. Believe me i wont be compromising ever again. :crown:

That isn’t cruelty.

That is discernment :star2:

Having basic standards is not an evil thing…
Not because I believe I am better than anyone else, but because I know what kind of life I am building.

I want stability. Integrity. Emotional maturity. Curiosity. Intelligence. Self-respect. A willingness to grow.

I guess I am finally learning that some people use beautiful, profound-sounding words to disguise something much simpler:

“I want to do harmful things while still believing I am a good person.”

They can intellectualize their lack of integrity until it sounds like philosophy. They can wrap selfishness in complicated language, turn avoidance into “depth,” and call contradiction “complexity.”

But I’m beginning to understand that not everything that sounds profound is profound.

Sometimes it is simply cowardice wearing beautiful clothes.

Sometimes people tell carefully constructed lies because the truth would force them to face themselves. Sometimes cruelty becomes a way of regaining a sense of control. Sometimes hurting another person is easier than confronting a fragile ego.

And I don’t need to decode every contradiction anymore. I can simply observe it.

Because integrity is not what someone says about themselves. Integrity is what remains when there is no audience, no praise, no image to maintain.

I’ve also learned that wanting to become someone is not the same as becoming them.

A person can talk endlessly about growth, healing, ambition, spirituality, self-improvement, and becoming their highest self, but eventually life asks for evidence.

Man or woman, we all have to do the work for real.

Not just speak about change.

Not just imagine ourselves differently.

Not just build an identity around who we intend to become.

We have to actually move.

We have to take responsibility.

We have to develop discipline, integrity, emotional maturity, stability, and the courage to confront the parts of ourselves we would rather hide.

I have never really felt stuck in my own life.

But I have realized that I have sometimes been held back by crows.

Crows that come basking in someone else’s sunlight.

Crows that feast until there is almost nothing left.

Crows that take and take, mistaking another person’s generosity for an endless resource.

And then when they are full, they disappear. And they fly away.

They hide behind someone else’s shelter.
Behind walls, behind another person, behind another excuse.

And perhaps that is the lesson.

I was never meant to feed crows.

I was never meant to let someone else’s lack of movement become the weight around my ankles…

My sunlight is mine.

My energy is mine.

My resources are mine.

My life force is sacred.

And I am learning that generosity without discernment can become self-abandonment.

I don’t need to become cynical…or lets say “more” cynical…

I don’t need to stop believing in people.

I simply need to stop confusing potential with reality.

I can honor what someone could become without pretending they already are.

And I can wish someone healing while still walking away from the place where they keep taking pieces of me.

The crows can fly, or hide behind their parents :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

6 Likes
#6

Daaaaaamn! :hot_face::heart_eyes::heart:

Erykah Badu ft. DRAM — Valentine

Erykah’s new album dropped this Friday and DAAAAAMN… this woman is my witch doctor, my spiritual guide, my High Priestess of soul, intuition, sensuality, and unconventional love. :woman_mage:t5::sparkles:

She just gave me the validation I needed. Look at that. The synchronicity the universe is slapping me in the face with right now has me WAY too excited. :joy::fire: Or maybe that’s the Seductress sub talking.

I’m fucking living this song. I can feel this electric, intense energy in my skin and in other parts of my body. When art mirrors your life so precisely that you almost feel seen by it… that’s when I know something is shifting. It feels like alignment.

I’m a queen of my kingdom, and I’m no longer letting peasants sleep outside my gates. :crown:

Next time, I’ll welcome a real knight.

I don’t care if his armor is gold or steel. I’m manifesting a man who protects what he cares for. A man who stands beside me. A man of his word, a man of action.

Hell, I might even make him his armor myself. I’ll make room for him in my kingdom, but only if he’s true.

As I’ve always said, I don’t ask for much. I don’t even ask for forever. I just want someone honest to discover new parts of myself with.

I’m old and already realized there is no “soulmate” or “true love.” There is friendship, and that can evolve into something strong, full of respect and care. Those kinds of relationships still need accountability and clarity.

But love… love died long ago in this era. And thats completely ok, because an independent woman dont need that. As i always say its just extra sprinkles and glitter on food. And we dont need plastic or unneccesary particles in our food.

Because the saddest thing, really, is me giving away leftovers. Scraps, in my eyes. And to some people, those scraps were a fucking buffet.

Sorry for living in abundance. :sparkles::crown: I’m not going to make myself smaller so someone else can feel comfortable with having less.

It’s sad how malnourished some people have been their whole lives that they can’t even recognize abundance when it’s sitting in front of them. They take a few bites and call themselves full, surviving on the crusts of a half-rotten pie :sweat_smile: When my leftovers are too much for some, damn imagine what ill give when im fully healed and fully comfortable in my feminine around him, no walls no guardness wow. Hopefully they will hold it gently and really earn it on a soul level. :stars:

3 Likes
#8

Fuck yeah!

1 Like
#9

@heartmadeiron on :face_with_hand_over_mouth:Tihihi right!??:nail_care::kissing_heart:

#10

What you wrote is what I really needed at this moment.

Too often I see potential as being more real than the present and past harms forgotten, as if they haven’t left scars on me right now.

It’s hard for me to put up boundaries sometimes when I see another in pain… but that’s me putting in emotional labour for their burdens. It doesn’t help them grow and it makes me stronger in terms of handling their burdens, not mine.

Kindness with boundaries is love for who they really are - which is honest and more real than for a fictional person that does not yet (or may not ever) exist.

Great post!

2 Likes
#11

Hey Peepz :sparkles:

Your Karmic Mirror-Witch is back with an update.

I’ve been busy canceling noise from outer space that I no longer need in my life. I guess I’m just too smart for the static. People forget that when you have an education in behavioral science, you don’t just hear people—you read them. You see the patterns. You see the cracks in the psyche before they even speak. Core wounds that leak from the subconcious that are really easy to spot…

And me? I’m an observer.
I’ve looked behind the curtains…i feel i see trough the matrix and let’s just say, some people are all costume and no character. :performing_arts:
There’s a difference between depth and void.
One invites you in. The other tries to suck you dry.
I’ve learned to tell the difference. And I’ve learned to walk away from the vacuum.

The subs have been working well together. Work has been going great, my boss gave me fantastic feedback today on how I’m handling my cases and guiding the new recruit I’m responsible for. I like her. She reminds me of a younger version of myself, and we click really well☺️

Last Friday, I decided to step out of my usual circle. I went to a metal concert with a group I don’t usually hang with, some Finnish bands were playing. I dressed for the occasion: black lipstick, bold eyeliner, high ponytail with detailed curly baby hairs, a short black velvet dress, and fishnet leggings with snakes on them. :snake::sparkles:
I’ve been wanting to try a gothic vibe, and honestly? I felt sexy. Powerful. Dark.:relieved:

I got along really well with a seemingly nice IT guy that was my friends old friend from uni. I asked my friend about him, and she said he was “too nerdy” for her.
Just my type. :rofl:

I loved his energy. He was shy, but he had the balls to talk to me. He actively sought my attention, talking about the music and the karaoke crowd. There were two other cute girls who joined the group, and they were trying to dance with him, but he subtly avoided them to keep hanging out and talking with me:relaxed::point_right:t2::point_left:t2:!
It was a nice interaction. My friend and I sang two songs on karaoke—Psycho Killer by Talking Heads (obviously :smiling_imp:) and a Jefferson Airplane track. Had so much fun​:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Later, I wanted to dance, so we headed down to the “Latino” party. It was empty because a famous rapper had a show at another club, so my usual crowd wasn’t there. But I was feeling myself, so I started dancing with a group of women. My friend joined, and one woman started dancing with me. She got a bit touchy, but I didn’t mind, guess I feel safer with women.
I didn’t think much of it until she asked if my friend was gay. I told her I hadn’t asked. Then she asked me🫪
I was a bit shocked, but maybe she sensed my openness. She asked if she could kiss me. :laughing:
It’s like the 6th or 7th woman to ask me lately. I thought, “Well, what the heck,” and she kissed me… not in a overly sleezy way, but her lips where so soft🫣🤣
Maybe it’s the Seductress sub, or maybe I’m just giving off open, lovely, magnetic vibes.

The IT guy even lined up to hug me goodbye and said it was really nice to have met me. I really enjoyed him. I love those cute glances and that genuine, nervous smile.

My friend invited me to a Saturday dinner hang with three friends the day after our concert night…one of them was the IT guy. I should have gone. But I’m in an era where I’m not going to give men any extra energy just for showing up.

I feel like I’ll attract what’s meant for me. And if he’s truly interested? He’ll ask my friend for my socials. He’ll make the effort.
Is chivalry dead? Lol. Maybe…
But I’m done with the era of boys in grown men’s bodies.
If he wants access to the Queen, he needs to bring more than just a shy smile. He needs to bring honesty and basic respect.

So here I am.
Dancing with women.
Singing about psycho killers.
Watching the voids fade.
And waiting for a man who knows how to hunt :bow_and_arrow::crown:

2 Likes
#12

The Gift of Clarity

These colder nights invite reflection. Last year, I met a young man. I didn’t know then that he had lied about his age… a pattern I’ve seen too often, where men feel entitled to twist reality just to gain an opening. 🥲😇

But beneath the deception, he was kind, warm, and genuine enough to earn a chance. We spent a few months getting to know each other until I realized that his inner world remained deeply unsettled. As always, I was clear about my intentions: I’m not seeking a boyfriend/husband or long-term, hollow promises. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’ve survived enough.

What I truly want is simple: Mature friendship, Care, Basic respect, and Communication FREE of Games and Drama.

He respected my boundary initially. But as weeks went by, he wanted more than I was willing to give. Later, I found out he was struggling with substance abuse (pills and he told me he smoked heroin)… He reached out while intoxicated a few times, pushing for intimacy I wasn’t ready to give and bringing chaos I wouldn’t allow in my home. I told him to go to the hospital and call for help. He was devastated, but I went into full work mode, giving him tips on who to contact, how to get his life back on track. I told him to stop crossing the line. And he did…and since that i learned a lot of what i will do and what i wont do… for these kind of friendships.

Five months later, he called unexpectedly. He told me he had relocated, entering witness protection, trying to escape the trouble he was in. I listened. I offered a few words of advice. I was glad he still valued my perspective, even from afar. He taught me a lot about myself. But the greatest gift he left me wasn’t the conversation. It was this poem, written after only a few weeks of knowing me.

I saved it. Because when I need reassurance, or a reminder of how someone who truly saw me perceived me, I return to these words. He didn’t disrupt my peace. He gave me a mirror that reflected my strength, not my wounds…

Thank you, O. :hugs::sparkles:

:dizzy:
Her eyes shine with a bold, violet light,
Like twilight sketched with gentle strength.
A quiet fire burns behind her gaze,
She’s a woman who has faced tough times.

She carries burdens you won’t see,
She quietly broke and rebuilt herself.
There were nights she couldn’t sleep,
Mornings when breathing felt too heavy.

But still, she laughs, leads, and tries,
With stubborn hope in her eyes.
Her strength doesn’t shout,
But it holds the roof when storms arrive.

A nose ring glints like a silver moon,
She shows up tired, yet glowing too.
Her hair, her tattoos, her silent struggle,
She embodies beauty in honest light.

She wears her headphones like a crown,
At work, at home, she manages it all.
She lives in rhythm, sound, and soul
A woman made of heart, made whole.

From Cumbia waves to Lofi nights,
To lyrics echoing her inner battles.
She plays her music, soft then wild,
She’s a storm, a flame, a joyful child.

And then, her children, warm and bright,
Two stars orbiting in her glow.
They know her hands are steady ground,
The safest place they’ve ever known.

She creates their joy from scratch each day,
Even when the skies are gray.
She’s mom, she’s magic, fierce and kind
The kind of rare gem you rarely find.

But more than what the world can see,
She became something special to me.
The first time I saw her face,
The world slowed down with grace.

No fear, no mask, no urge to hide
Just warmth that settled deep within.
I felt at home in her voice,
Like all my edges finally fit.

She caught my eyes and captivated my soul,
In ways I never knew I could.
Talking to her felt light,
Felt peace, felt calm in my heart.

She didn’t try, she simply was,
And somehow, that was more than enough.
She is the stillness in the storm,
The reason broken things feel warm.

To call her beauty feels too small.
She has weathered pain and still stands tall.
She’s laughter after the darkest night,
She is the spark that feels like light.

Single, yes, but never weak,
She represents everything we fail to say.
She is the rhythm, the strength, the art…
And now, the echo in my heart.
:sparkles:

…I hope all is well with him. And I’m learning that even a young boy of 22, with his own struggles, can have the emotional maturity to leave without leaving deeper scars… I remember him with warmth, and a soft smile warms my face… :relieved::sparkles:

4 Likes
#13

Title: No Longer Shrinking✨️

(Current Stack: Full loops Seductress Mon//Fri + Empress on Wed… The clarity has been undeniable.)

Laying in my hotel room after a day of trains and travel, I took a shower and slipped into my favorite thin robe that feels smooth on my skin. I wanted to share a picture of the moment, but since I’m new here, I can’t seem to upload it yet. So instead, I’ll share the reflection itself. This is what my healing journey looks like: growing by reflecting on myself, my triggers, and my needs.

For years, I practiced the art of making myself smaller. I dimmed my light to keep others comfortable. I simplified my thoughts so they wouldn’t feel intimidated. I softened my edges so I wouldn’t cut those who weren’t ready to hold me. I was living in service of their comfort, not my own truth.

But I am tired.😮‍💨

Not the tiredness of exhaustion, but the tiredness of compromise. I am tired of fragmenting myself to fit into boxes that were never built for me.:dizzy::milky_way:

I am tired of explaining basic emotional intelligence to people who mistake manipulation for depth. I am tired of the internal ‘ick’ that rises when someone uses psychological terms incorrectly just to sound profound, while lacking the integrity to back them up. I am tired of sitting there, nodding politely, just to protect their fragile, cracked egos🥲 holding back my true thoughts because when they did slip out, the response was never curiosity, but an immediate, unfriendly assertion of dominance.:roll_eyes:

I am done being the teacher for people who refuse to be students of their own souls. I am done carrying the weight of shadows they refuse to integrate. I refuse to remain supply, being used and seen as an NPC in their delusional reality.

What I want now is simple, yet rare:

1. Intellectual Equality & Radical Accountability
I want someone who can meet me in the complexity. Someone who doesn’t need me to dumb down my perspective, but actually craves it. I am not looking for a person that seeks a non-thinking audience to admire whatever BS comes out of their mouth. I am looking for a mind as sharp as its intent. Someone to stimulate my mind completely on different dimensions. Someone to discover different themes with curiosity and not always wanting to be right or have the last word; someone that in a conversation or a game pauses their ego, just lets go, and has fun.

I need a person who is emotionally aware of how their words land. A person who is secure enough in their masculinity to admit fault. To offer a simple regret. A simple “I’m sorry I hurt you, I know I crossed a line and disrespected you.” Not people who, instead of writing 2 lines that take under 30 seconds, spend their “valuable” time writing +2000 words of deflecting astrological alignments or blaming the universe on unhinged irrational rambling, and another +1,500 words of a fantasy world full of excuses, blaming traumas and other bull to explain away the cowardice of a preemptive strike. I don’t want someone who focuses on managing my reaction; I want friends who own the action that triggered it.

New mottos:
The mind asks for proof
The body already knows

A true friend wouldn’t do that.

I spent five years of a 14-year marriage being gaslit. I know what it feels like to have words put in my mouth, to have my reality distorted to fit someone else’s ego-driven narrative. Because of that, my radar for projection and mindgames is precise and highly sensitive. I know when someone is trying to rewrite history to save face, or when they are projecting their own inadequacy onto me. I have zero tolerance for the audacity of telling me what I feel, what I want, or who I am, just to soothe their own insecurity…:roll_eyes: No gracias, next.

2. Emotional Safety & Stability
I want a person who doesn’t view my strength as a threat, but as an invitation. Someone secure enough to let me lead sometimes without feeling demasculinized, and secure enough to sit beside me in the ambiguity of not knowing where things are going. No pushing, no pulling. No steering. Not creating unnecessary drama to extract validation or using toxic games to feel control… just someone to float through time with, letting the slow burn do its work. Trusting each other with openness and honesty.

I am done with the chaos. I am done with people who use silence as a weapon and confusion as a strategy. I want stability. I want a core that doesn’t shake when the wind blows. I want a friend who has done the work of individuation the right way, someone who knows who they are, so they don’t need me or other people to define them.

3. Sacred Fatigue & Unapologetic Desire
I want to be tired in the best way. Tired from laughter, from passion, from being completely seen and satisfied, body, mind, and spirit. I want a connection that drains my anxiety and fills my cup…:sparkles:

I am no longer looking for any projects. I am looking for an equal friend. A friend that cares for ME and not just for what I offer or the feeling I give them… Someone who respects ME and has a stable center. Someone who matches my nomnom drive completely🫣. Someone who doesn’t judge my high libido, my sexual curiosity, or my freedom. Someone who understands the distinction between consensual power dynamics and actual respect/disrespect. A person who can hold space for my darkness without losing their own moral compass.

I bring a wild, oceanic energy :ocean: a radiant feminine force that can feel like a monsoon. I know this has scared men before🫣. They call it “too much” They try to dam the river because they are afraid of drowning in their own unprocessed depths. But I am not looking for someone to survive the storm. I am looking for someone who knows how to sail. Someone who can hold space for the full spectrum of human experience…the light and the shadow…without flinching… And I know I’m a calm, collected person who would never disrespect people even when I’m upset or mad. I know how men are stronger and I know how easily I can get hurt. I don’t test any limits that would put me in danger. So I don’t mean that I “test” people. I know when I’m in my right to demand being faced or demand having an answer.

To the people who are ready to explore me and our connection: Bring your honesty. Bring your depth. Bring your respect. Bring your integrated self.:hugs:

To the rest: The gate is closed…:european_castle:

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#14

Glad to hear my journaling resonated with you, i hope you find healing and find that someone to hope for and that is worthy of your time, care and emotions :raised_hands:t4: dm if you want to connect empaths need to stick together.

2 Likes
#15

Cleo sol - Her Light

:sparkles:

Das monthly vibe

#16

**The Art of Being Chosen (By Myself) **:sparkles::wine_glass:

Ten days of silence. Ten days of stillness. And honestly? It’s been the loudest, most vibrant period of my life. :sparkles:

I’ve been reflecting on the concept of “attraction.” Not the desperate, grasping kind that seeks validation from others. But the magnetic kind that comes from being so fully aligned with your own energy that you become a beacon.

Last week I decided to be more comfy at work dressed in a jumpsuit I got with an open back. It’s this yogi-looking outfit with smooth stretchy fabric; it fits like a second skin :sparkles: and I felt sexy, powerful, and fem.

I’ve been playing with my eye makeup and hair. I didn’t do it out of looking for attention.
But attention found me anyway… A man at work, he’s 48, got divorced this summer… I can’t put my finger on it but I feel like he’s hoovering me, coming by my office to make jokes, does always something when we meet in the corridor. I recognize it from high school, the playfulness… and I wonder is this his style of flirting?.. He’s nice and I enjoy it but I would never cross a professional line with someone at work… and he’s a “bad boy” that found the law and his love to work for teens with the same issues he had. I find people that work with people and know behavioural science very attractive. Being in the same field… it’s different.:dizzy:

I’ve been socializing a lot, going out and about. Making new friends and I downloaded some dating apps to see what’s out there, and what it offers… I’ve matched with a bunch, but today i know that it means nothing. I’m very selective in who I let in my life or who I let orbit me… There’s 2 men I’m now curious about… One is sharp, funny, and present. He gives me the vibe of no games, no masks. Just two adults enjoying a conversation. Another balkan man ive been chatting with for a week is planning a date with me in 2 weeks and he’s very masculine and open in direct communication which I like. He has been telling me:

“I have never met a kind-hearted woman on your emotional level. And I think u can emotionally eat me. I really want to be ready for u. I would fall in love on your first look your eyes hypnotised me through pictures. Can’t imagine how it would be, live”

Another guy:

“Your eyes are dangerous”

So to conclude it, a LOT of compliments and flirtation around my eyes… hm could it be that my intensity shines through?

This Balkan boy that is seemingly interested in getting to know me on a deeper soul level is 195*cm and I’m a dwarf :persevere:🫪 the dynamic is delicious… I do enjoy our conversations and that this 30 y old man has 2 jobs but still finds time to have consistency in communication with me, that’s a huge turn on and a green flag. Also he works with machines and has a part-time cleaning job at a hotel/spa, gotta love an ambitious working man… hot af… And yeah ofc I know it’s just a “beginning thing” we’ll see how the 2 weeks show his consistency until our physical meeting will be… and then well see the intrest after… I do know I am less active when I have my kids and that causes a lot of insecurities in people. But yeah I’m a part-time mom of 2. But I know I give my fuuuull attention when I’m alone… And I give what I get, I match the energy that’s given to me :sparkles::relieved:

I’ve sensed when I have a crow in front of me and I don’t give them any time or energy, not if they even seem fine and very durable. Not because I’m playing hard to get. But because I’m learning to protect my energy. I’m learning that my attention is a gift, not a given. And I only give it to those who earn it through consistency, respect, and honesty.

I’ve also been diving deeper into my Seductress/Empress loops. The shift is subtle but undeniable. I feel softer in my body, yet sharper in my mind. I’m noticing that when I stop trying to “manage” other people’s emotions, I have so much more space to feel my own pleasure, my constant desire and lust is something I play with in different forums. Life is fun…

I’m realizing that I don’t need a partner to complete me. I need a friend to complement me. Someone who can match my intensity without trying to dim it. Someone who sees my strength and doesn’t feel threatened, but inspired.

Until then? I’m enjoying myself, I’m enjoying the flirtations that go nowhere. And the ones that end up way too deep, I’m enjoying the freedom of knowing that I am enough, all on my own
:sparkles::milky_way::sparkles:

Oh… a note to the shadows.
In behavioral science, we talk about “approach-avoidance conflict.” The desire to get close, paired with the terror of intimacy. I’ve been observing this dance recently. A message sent. A message deleted. A profile checked. A profile hidden.
It’s a loop of self-sabotage.
To the person stuck in this loop: Your deletions are louder than your words. These actions shout that you cannot handle the consequence of your own thoughts.

Just be yourself. Flaws, fears, and all. Write without the safety net of the backspace key. Because the version of you that edits himself out of existence? He doesn’t exist. And I can’t connect with a void. :hole:

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#17

Haaa ha ha ha. Haaaa . Lol.

What a strange, beautiful weekend.

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from laughing too hard, dancing too long, drinking a little too much, and allowing the bass to rearrange your nervous system.

I used to think peace meant silence. I don’t anymore.

Sometimes peace is being completely full. Completely present. Completely unapologetic about taking up space.

This weekend was a Balkan party with my girls from work. We watched Bosnia–Sweden, drank, danced, laughed, and somehow ended the night with two tickets to Croatia in December because apparently the most reasonable response to wanting to travel is simply to book the trip.

There is a huge Christmas festival there, and I’ve been talking for ages about wanting to travel more. So now we are going.

A small act of becoming.

A small act of remembering that life is not something that happens to you. It is something you participate in.

And perhaps that is what has been happening to me lately.

I feel like some old part of myself has returned.

For a long time, the more difficult parts of life made me smaller. I adapted. I became careful. Certain versions of myself were placed in the shadow, not because they disappeared, but because they were no longer convenient for survival.

But lately, the old woman has been walking back into the room.

The psychedelic, Rastafarian, vinyl-collecting, wandering Queen. The girl who listens to strange music in her office, dresses in old clothes, follows obscure cultural threads, and gets genuinely excited about finding something she has never heard before.

She didn’t die.

She was just waiting.

Perhaps individuation is partly this: retrieving the pieces of yourself that you abandoned in order to be acceptable, functional, safe, or understood… and allowing them to return without asking permission.

So I’ve been writing in my office. Listening to my music. Wearing the clothes I actually like. Letting myself become slightly strange again.

And then something rather beautiful happened.

On a work trip, I started talking with Tobias, this incredible German man in his 70s. We spoke about music, values, social structures, different states of consciousness, the way societies are built. I told him I collect vinyls. I told him about my search for “Tropicalismo” the Brazilian psychedelic fusion of traditional folk music and experimentation.

I told him about Os Mutantes.

He listened.

Not performatively. Not waiting for his turn to speak.

He actually listened.

At some point he asked me whether I thought €25 was too much for one of their early albums.

I laughed.

I told him I’d probably pay hundreds just to own one.

On Monday morning, I walked into my office and there they were.

Two Os Mutantes albums.

Sitting beside my computer.

He had bought them for me.

I was so happy I couldn’t contain it. I ran to him, gave him a huge hug and kissed his cheek, immediately asking how much they cost.

He refused.

Naturally, I forced him to take the money anyway.

Because appreciation and sovereignty can coexist <3.

Later, the divorced man i mentioned in an other entry at work told me that Tobias had apparently said something about me. He punched his fist against his heart and said:

“She’s one of us.”

That sentence stayed with me. There is something deeply moving about being recognized by people who recognize something in you that you didn’t have to explain.

Not admired.

Not possessed.

Recognized.

Maybe this is another part of individuation: discovering that there are people who don’t need you to shrink before they can understand you.

People who see the strange frequencies you carry and simply go,

Ah.

You’re one of ours.

And perhaps this is why the generosity of these older men has touched something deeper in me than the gifts themselves.

They are quietly changing my internal mythology of men.

Not rescuing me. Not repairing me.

Just showing me, through their behavior, that masculinity can also look like generosity, curiosity, protection without possession, attention without consumption.

Maybe it is generational.

Maybe it isn’t.

Maybe it is simply the difference between souls who give and souls who consume. Some are fulfilled souls giving and some others are Soul eaters.

Between people who meet you and people who feed on you.

Between those who want to reduce you to something they can understand and those who are perfectly comfortable letting you remain multidimensional.

I don’t know.

I’m not trying to turn it into a theory.

I’m just watching.

Watching this older version of myself return.

Watching the world respond differently when I stop hiding her. Watching music lead me back to people.
Watching strangers become allies. Watching men contradict some of the stories I had quietly accumulated about them.

Maybe peace is becoming so fully yourself that the noise around you no longer determines your shape.

And right now, I feel very, very alive.

What a fucking beautiful thing.

This man introduced me to an epic band, swedish one… check out
GOAT - Levitation Sessions (Full Set) on YT…<3

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