Hiiii. I’ve been thinking about starting a journal for a while now, so what the heck — let’s go. 
I’ve been trying to “cure myself,” heal, find inner peace, become stronger, and honestly just understand myself and the world around me a little better. I’ve been through quite a lot in life, and lately there’s been a minor inconvenience… although looking back, maybe it’s actually been a lesson.
I’ve been listening to Monarch throughout August and I’m planning on continuing for a few months. Right now I’m doing full loops — not sure if I’m even using the lingo correctly yet, so bear with me.
Since I’m new, I’ve definitely been overthinking things. But at the same time, I wonder if the sub is doing something simply because I feel like I’m starting to look at certain situations from a different perspective.
Recently, I was targeted by a man. And I use the word “man” loosely here. 
He was the kind of person who presented himself as a saviour. Someone who wanted to make you believe he was there to help, protect, guide, or “save” you.
And honestly? That experience taught me something.
I was already scared of the world, and especially of men, as I mentioned in my introduction. But I think I’ve learned that there’s another kind of danger that doesn’t necessarily look dangerous at first.
Sometimes the red flag isn’t someone openly showing you that they’re toxic.
Sometimes it’s someone going out of their way to tell you how non-toxic they are.
That was one of my biggest lessons.
I’ve also started thinking about how some people don’t really see you as a whole human being. They see what they can get from you — attention, validation, admiration, energy, status, opportunities, whatever it may be.
They keep taking and taking.
And they can do it through charm, lies, manipulation, acting, or simply by creating a version of themselves that they know you’ll trust.
The biggest lesson for me has been this:
When you discover one lie, don’t immediately assume it’s an isolated incident. Pay attention to the pattern.
Because if someone is willing to lie about who they are, their experiences, their intentions, or their reality, you have to wonder what else is being carefully constructed underneath the surface.
And I don’t think this only applies to romantic relationships.
It can happen at work. At the gym. In friendships. In communities. In hobbies. Anywhere people interact.
Someone can wear a mask for a surprisingly long time.
And I think one of the most empowering things a woman can learn is that you don’t have to prove someone is a bad person before you’re allowed to step away from them.
You don’t need a courtroom case.
You don’t need 50 pieces of evidence.
You don’t need to convince everyone around you.
If something consistently feels wrong, if their words don’t match their actions, if you keep finding inconsistencies, if you’re constantly confused, drained, or questioning your own perception — you’re allowed to listen to yourself.
You are allowed to leave.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to stop giving someone access to you.
And maybe that’s the part I’m noticing in myself lately.
Instead of getting completely consumed by “Why is this person doing this?” or “What did I do wrong?”, I’m starting to take a step back and observe.
Almost like I’m standing above the situation instead of being trapped inside it.
Maybe that’s what I mean when I say I’m trying to heal.
Not becoming someone who is never afraid, never hurt, or never overthinks.
But becoming someone who can recognize what is happening, trust herself, stand tall, and walk away when something isn’t right.
Whether the sub is influencing that or whether I’m simply changing because I’ve been putting more intention into myself lately, I don’t know yet.
But I’m going to keep journaling and see where this takes me.
And if there’s one thing I hope another woman takes from this:
You don’t need to wait until someone completely destroys your peace before you decide to protect it.
The thing that keeps getting me is the WHY.
Why would someone preach healthy communication when they can’t even communicate honestly with people?
Why would someone build you up, make you feel seen, make you feel safe, make you believe they genuinely value you… only to turn around and stab you and watch you hit the ground?
Why would someone dig deeper and deeper into your emotions, ask for more of you, encourage you to open up, make you vulnerable with them… only to eventually throw you under the bus?
I honestly don’t know.
Maybe they’re deeply unhappy. Maybe they’re insecure. Maybe they’re mentally unwell. Maybe they need validation so badly that they’ll use another person to get it.
Who knows.
And that’s the thing I’m learning: I don’t actually need to know why.
I used to think understanding someone’s motives would somehow give me closure. Like if I could just figure out why they did it, the whole thing would make sense.
But sometimes there isn’t an explanation that will make betrayal feel reasonable.
Sometimes people simply reveal who they are.
And I’m starting to realize that spending hours trying to understand someone who deliberately hurt me is still giving them my energy.
I’d rather put that energy into myself.
Into becoming stronger. Into healing. Into building my life. Into becoming the woman I want to be.
Because in this era, I genuinely don’t have time to sit around wondering about peasants while I’m building my empire.
Let them be confusing.
Let them have their masks.
Let them tell their stories.
I don’t need to attend every performance.
My job is to protect my peace, learn the lesson, and keep building. 