I had AI suggest something similar, which initially made no sense to someone wanting to just build self esteem and worth. But since you’re quite similar to me with regards to deep introspection and undergoing past stuff, nervous system regulation, dropping into the body and being in the current of life could be way to divert all that mind chatter. Just a suggestion.
You have a similar Human Design profile too…
Yup you’re remembering correctly. It’s a valid point. I think I am struggling to figure out the right tool for me at this point. Embodiment is definitely what I want to move towards
The whole thing with PEACE about returning to yourself, I thought I could just run it and be fine and work around that. But something about it made me feel more fragmented and dissociated, it got kind of distressing and I had to stop. I still don’t really understand what happened but I felt it was better not to keep going on it. I’m not the most “normal” in terms of identity development and a lot of times that’s not taken into consideration with my decisions in life. So it’s really easy for my theoretical understanding of how a sub could effect me is so off the mark from how it does.
I will definitely be checking out stage 1 for heartsong. I struggle with any type of relationships, romantic or not so I’m sure it could help out there too.
Thanks you for the input, I really appreciate it.
Yes I get stuck in repetitive cycles a lot. It’s like managing my life vs living it. I get like these small glimpses in my life of feeling more connected to myself and other people and then poof gone. It’s like nothing has consistency, those are considered rare moments vs normal relationships and how most people live. It has nothing to do with the other person either, it’s just me going through phases of being so profoundly disconnected from myself it’s hard to interact with anyone from that state.
Still washing out and still not much in terms of bloom or anything like that.
I decided when I get back I’m just gonna run seductress solo. I was so worried about not getting enough physical shifting so I threw hot on top before, then I got MASSIVE recon from stacking those two and then I added Regen which gave me more recon, dumb choice.
I don’t need to poke and prod at my emotional landscape. There’s this obsession where I think if I just understood myself better I could fix everything. But life happened, things changed me, even though I still carry wounds from the past my goal should be letting them go.
At the end of the day Seductress is what resonates with me. It’s what I want, it’s how I want to live. It’s who I want to be. And I guess there’s something about commiting to that that’s scary for me. It’s taking a bold stand and being like “look at me, this is me”. It’s easier to be wishy washy and have people not criticize me but that’s a really dull existence. And you know it’s gonna be rocky and bumpy on my way to being that confident woman because that’s just the nature of comfort zones.
I broke down emotionally last night. I was visiting a really good friend of mine and it felt like I couldn’t identify a single topic of discussion in my own life outside of jobs and survival. I thought to myself, this isn’t good enough and I’m not gonna accept this as my life. I’m not gonna have my life just be one long stretched out tragedy and misery.
I said screw it, just gonna start listening again today. I did some somatic work in therapy recently and grew a new level of awareness with interacting with my body that made me feel like I wasn’t so trapped.
I didn’t realize how much my body locked up with ideas of confidence or being powerful. This was causing me to be more neutral with the subs I guess. I can be neutral or depressed, but not beyond that. So I haven’t been seeing tremendous outward benefits with the subs because well that’s literally blocked from being able to be experienced in my body. If I can’t feel confident, if I can’t feel powerful, how am I ever going to move through life as someone with those traits? And my mind threw all the good “reasons” at me, but it all just stems from the body.
The messed up thing and I’m only realizing this now. No sub was ever gonna build this mind body connection for me. I kept expecting it to appear. It wasn’t until my last session with my therapist it became super obvious how detached I am. And how living in such a detached state can make you feel like you aren’t actually detached. And why it’s been so hard to grow on subs for me. It feels like I’m connected and can feel things, but I’m just intellectualizing them.
It’s also making me realize that they are really powerful if they can elicit such a strong feeling in me. If I can just get to a point where it flows I can sense a lot of energy for positive change. That energy just needs to stop getting jammed up and get to a point where it feels good instead of painful.
I decided I’m gonna do a name embed of seductress with rogue.
I realized that especially with jobs I don’t ever want to be in the situation where I’m stifling my needs, tolerating mistreatment, or bending over backwards for a company. I am so done. I would rather risk it and be perceived as “difficult to work with” than let people step all over me. Part of my difficulty in finding a new job is I have so much anxiety about being good at it, that my needs go to the side. And I don’t want to continue that pattern.
To get there I need to overcorrect. I need to make mistakes and I need learn that yeah sometimes when you assert boundaries things don’t work. That doesn’t mean asserting boundaries was wrong. A lot of employers suck and are filled with power tripping yet incredibly immature psychos.
I’m going to tackle my hypervigilance by strengthening my ability to not give a fuck what others think. I hate that at the root of all that hypervigilance is the fear of being perceived as “bad”. Just authority figure wounds. Just conditioned responses I haven’t broken out of.
Aside from that running just one sub has really opened my eyes to how much recon I was stacking on myself. This morning I woke up and just laid in bed and meditated on my own internal worth. And not only that walking through this world knowing I am valuable independent of what society wants to say. I reached a state of feeling powerful like I could get anything I wanted, I felt divine. I went about my day and it faded pretty fast, but I felt a state of being that I just know given enough time I can bring into the world and carry it with me.
I was in a sort of doom spiral over jobs and money and all that. Giving myself time and space to just sit with my feelings helped unfold some more powerful feelings pushing to the surface. This expectation to be treated well and anything less is unacceptable. I didn’t need a reason, it felt like it was emanating from the core of my being like a buried truth.
So you can kind of see how Rogue would help a ton here. During that meditation I had this fear like what if I get too arrogant? What if I become narcissistic? What if I start expecting too much of people? What if I lose empathy? etc. I have been molded to be “nice” at the expense of my own well being. Healthy self esteem, care for myself, and being respected are so abysmally low that when I try to build them my immediate worry is what others will think if I shine too brightly.
Going through a lot of emotions right now.
My survival strategy in life has been fawning/people pleasing. Very much an involuntary response and I need to stop beating myself up about it. I’ve always seen it as a personal failure, but it’s just a consequence of events in my life.
When I run this new name embed I’m going to be very careful to support myself. It’s about reclaiming my autonomy, not punishing myself for not being confident or brave enough.
I feel like I’m in a neverending black hole of rejections from jobs that’s had me questioning my worth. I’m trying to cultivate the mentality of being valuable even if someone outweighs me in skills or expertise. At the end of that day that’s all that really matters with jobs. Unless you’re a doctor or something, but even then look at Dr. Death dude got by on pure charisma and confidence while ruining people’s lives.
It’s just a big game. The hiring process, the “culture”, even the work is not balanced depending on who you are. So I might as well game it. Eventually I’d like to have these employers kissing my toes just based on my aura alone lol. And I’m gonna get it cuz I’m tired of dealing with such a broke ass system.
I’m also going through this phase of no longer cramming myself into a hole to fit, cuz it doesn’t work. But I’m kind of unpolished in being my authentic self because I masked for years for survival. Ultimately though I feel like this is the way to go for me. If this forces me down a certain life path then so be it.
It’s scary. It’s so appealing to just go back to the same song and dance and at least know it could work short term. But I know where that leads. Things have to change, I have to change if I’m ever going to have hope of escaping this prison.
It would help if everything here wasn’t a goddamn circus lately. I feel like I stepped into a hall of mirrors with how much nothing in this country makes any sense anymore.
Holding off on giving seductress a run till I get my name embed so I’ve been on like a three day break now.
A job application actually got forwarded to a hiring manager that I submitted. So that was cool and gave me a bit of a boost. It’s for a position that would be me taking on some higher level responsibilities, which I have avoided for a long time now out of fear. So even if I don’t get it, it breaks the ice a bit and gives me confidence that I can apply for these jobs and get looked at. Definitely feeling the positive push from Seductress to be more successful in career pursuits.
I’m also getting closer to having my voice sound like how I want it to. I’ve been stuck with a voice I don’t really care about for like 2 years now. It’s definitely effected my ability to socialize and exist out in the world. Not only is it sounding more feminine, but it has a silkier quality to it that is happening naturally. I have spent A LOT of energy consciously trying to get my voice to sound how I want it to, but lately it just feels like it’s emerging on its own which is such a relief. That gives me more room to be myself vs worrying how my voice comes across to other people.
Also I’m not entirely happy with my wardrobe or personal style. But I’ve stopped feeling terrible about it or like I need to figure it out asap. It’s kinda like, ok so I’m kinda plain and boring right now and that’s fine. It’s better to find clothing that feels good vs overly focused on what looks good. I picked up some random stuff thrifting. Will I wear it forever and ever? Who knows. But I’m entering a stage of just like not being as perfectionistic with clothing. I’m inevitably gonna wear something that looks bad or clashes and that’s ok, I’m learning. I felt like a failure for not being able to know how to grab the perfect piece of clothing every time and know exactly how to incorporate it. But I realized that comes with time.
Overall very happy with sticking to one sub, I feel like there are so many little building blocks with seductress it’s tackling a lot of stuff already and nothing else is really needed.
Rogue is working
I’ve started just applying for any job I think I could do. I’m getting better at not caring about performing at a job. Not putting on a face, not trying to appear eager for a job I don’t really care about, not trying to impress recruiters or hiring people. The plan is to get in there, do the job, see how I do, stop needing to prove anything and go from there. At this point I’d rather just work somewhere and see how long it takes to get laid off vs self destructing by trying to be amazing at everything.
Recalibrating effort and getting to the point where I am who I am and I get hired as I am so there’s no needing to maintain anything. I’m gonna show up in interviews with some brutally radical honesty and not care. Are some company’s not gonna like it ? Sure but I realized these interviews trigger my people pleasing tendencies bad and ultimately if I give into that it’s bad for me. So learning to get rejected and find the right fit for me vs trying to fit a job is the play.
Rogue has also been working on an angle with seductress too. I really want to express myself better and have fun with that. But right now makeup and clothing just triggers anxiety trying to get better at it because it has been so driven by looking put together for others, not myself. I had a rough day today and spent the first half of my day in my pajamas. But then I had to run out to a store to get something. Normally I start worrying about makeup and my hair and how presentable I look. I was like fuck it, I don’t need that stress. So I just threw on some regular clothes and went out the door.
Part of it is, makeup has been my armor for the past few years. It has helped signal to the world that I’m not a guy. But underneath all that I know there’s a lot of fatigue at feeling like i have to try all the time just to be seen as myself. Even worse I internalized a lot of shame and failure over that. I’m processing a lot of that now and trying to learn how to just exist without all that pressure. Again it’s survival because if I pass better I get treated more favorably, but at what cost to my mental health to uphold that? So I decided that I’m better off practicing self care and to stop twisting myself to avoid abuse from others who hate me.
I worked on a little music yesterday. I put a short loop together but idk where it’s going. I started getting frustrated and feeling like I was capable of something better. But then I just sat myself down and I was like your fantasy of what you want and where you’re at skill wise don’t match. That’s just facts. I can still appreciate my creations for what they are though.
Still I’m really upset. I don’t think I’m as creative as I wanted to believe. But I know acknowledging that is important to grow as an artist. So I’m just going to try to sit down and write and whatever happens is good enough.
Adding Paragon sleep to my stack. I don’t think this should be an issue. My sleep has been so bad lately. Complete relaxation hasn’t been possible because it’s like my body is all wired up and bracing for something horrible.
Need to learn that yeah bad stuff can come down the pipeline AND I can practice being more relaxed and recharging at night. It’s so problematic how my body thinks preparing all the time helps when it’s actually causing the very issues I’m trying to resolve. Funny how that works.
Paragon sleep has been helping A LOT. I bumped my titles to 1 min yesterday and I got into bed last night and it was like I was only focused on deep restful relaxation and tuning out everything about my life that causes anxiety.
But then something else happened too. Since I was on 1 min of seductress with rogue as my body was relaxing I could feel the constraints in me. I could feel the expectations, judgements, guilt, etc. all the stuff from the outside. I could sense how it didn’t flow in my body, it felt like absorbing all this energy and it was compacting it into this dense unmovable ball of lead that weighs me down.
So I got angry and I pushed back in my mind. I was like why the fuck do I need to listen to ANY of this? These arbitrary rules and expectations, what I “should” do, how I need to work hard, how I need to achieve something big that society deems valuable vs my own internal value system. I get so frustrated with the outside world but I’m the one saying “oh ok, I guess I’ll just listen to all of you, my needs aren’t valid”. That’s all me, I do that. And even worse when I do speak up, when I buck the system, there’s a voice that says don’t do that it’s dangerous.
Then I thought about myself and where I want to be and who I want to be. The familiar voice came up that said, that’s not you. Other women can be bold and confident and sexy, but not you. You’re just not like that. And then I thought to myself oh yeah? Watch me.
I value authenticity, I think it’s really important. But to be authentic you have to know who you are and what you want. If you’re still under the weight of dimming yourself that authenticity can be misguided. That’s what I’m learning. There’s a whole other person underneath this protective shell that wants to emerge. It’s not me changing, it can feel like going against “myself” but that part that feels like myself is what others wanted from me. And you know what? There are going to be some people in my life that don’t like it because they thought they knew me and want that version of “me” to stick around. But that’s not my responsibility.
Upping my exposure time has revealed to me it’s not that I don’t want to change. It’s that when the exposure amount of the sub is too low I didn’t give voice and courage to the part of me that DOES want to change. The part that wants to stand up to the oppression and rigid rules and mistreatment. That part needs more empowerment and support, not less. The conflict and strain wasn’t overwhelm like I thought it was.
What even is my life right now…
After I bumped up my listening time to 1 minute I just had the most questionable experience with my therapist. And I feel insane. It’s completely nuked the client therapist relationship and I have to start over with a new one. The timing of this is sus, like I’ve been seeing this person for over a year now NOTHING has changed except embodying my own personal power more.
I’m no stranger to subs, but the way it manifests in my life it can’t be explained away by coincidence. I’ve been genuinely creeped out with how people sometimes say things that are part of the what I believe to be the script. Like I kid you not the day after listening to a minute loop of Seductress with the Rogue module, my best friend texted me about a work event and literally used the word going rogue to describe the behavior of standing up for yourself in a work environment and saying shit without fear of consequences.
I’m not even blaming the sub and I know it sounds crazy. This is no different than doing visualization or affirmations or whatever, It’s ME. But it manifested in such a fucking odd way I’m speechless.
Back to square one I guess. I crashed out over this, not good for my attachment issues that were already incredibly problematic.
But I’m at 2 min now of seductress and paragon sleep. Recon isn’t too bad, apparently I can tolerate more than I thought. Did my eyebrows today and wore some makeup even though I’m not going out.
I started writing a track the other day, it’s almost finished. Have had this MPC for close to 4 years now I think? And I’m still trying to build a meaningful workflow around it. That’s partially my brain though and the difficulty I face with songwriting in general. I over complicate stuff all the time and then end up with musical ideas that are just insecurity in audio format vs expression. Getting better with that though.
This IS expression. You are literally transmuting negative energy into a practical form that can touch the hearts of others. I get it, those who create art from the depths are revealing parts of themselves that cannot be expressed through words alone. The music itself, the rhythm, the instrumentation all carries that inner state. Even if you don’t plan to release anything, use your own music as a way to explore yourself. An audience of one is still enough.
I think I wrote that wrong. I meant like I’ll write a hi hat pattern in a complex way because a simple 1/8th pattern doesn’t seem “good enough”. I’ve had this problematic pattern for a looooong time. When I first started writing electronic music I refused to use presets because of the elitism that exists in producer forums and stuff. It’s not that I wanted to, I just felt like I was “less than” if I used them. It’s that kind of appeasing others that ruins musical creativity. Even if I only write for myself, in my bedroom, it still feels like invisible eyes watching me. But I mean that’s just my inner critic and me at the end of the day though. Still I constantly ruin my real honest creative ideas with this veil of insecurity and perfectionism that enters the mix and distorts everything both metaphorically and literally.
Was thinking about quitting seductress for stabilizer only. But I think it’s just a lot of recon from the 2 min I can’t handle. I will not sub hop. Going to try 1 min again after this rest day.
Having to break ties with my therapist has really fucked me up. But I’m proud of myself for enforcing boundaries. Having that happen with the last person I would suspect really hurt. I’m still grieving that loss and the safe space I had.
I know I hopped on whats basically like a moving current for what I want in life. I just have to keep going on it vs looking for a better one. Cutting momentum now with a sub switch would be self sabotage.
Everything is kinda crap right now. My relationships, my career, my mental health. But I’m working through it. I can’t see the end, I can’t see how things are going to work out. But I think that’s just a smokescreen of fear and not the truth.
Somedays I do genuinely wonder if I had an easy past life and my soul was like hmmmm what if we made things more challenging? It needs a little more spice. But then I got dunked with cayenne pepper and we overshot that goal.
@qOS Right now I need money. I’m running Seductress which does have career building and financial scripting. But it feels like building towards something bigger and it’s going to take time. I’m wondering if there’s any other title I could stack it with to help create shorter term financially supportive opportunities? Or if seductress alone covers that? I’m recovering from burnout and still need income to basically survive, I can’t tackle big projects or responsibilities without setting myself backwards in terms of recovery. I’ve had really bad luck with a pattern of toxic environments where I have to trade my mental well-being for money and ideally I want to avoid that.
That answer saved my butt from stack switching again lol.
2 min of seductress was a no go. Oh that was not a good time. But I made a discovery at least. I think the highly charged sexual scripting in it had me in a sort of internal tension. Mean that quite literally in the physical sense, like fidgeting, tightening my core, shoulders, to not feel that energy. Weird.
I want to be sexually liberated, that’s actually a goal of mine. I want sex to be as mundane as a thing as like a good meal or something. I wasn’t even raised religious but OMG why is this such a big deal in my head?
I’m not gonna censor myself here and I’m going to speak on some real stuff I know part of it is that I’m trans. I know what type of violence is targeted towards me if I “deceive” someone. So being too attractive, eye catching, alluring, could quite easily get me killed if I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m lucky I don’t live in some backwards-ass southern hell hole, but I do still need to be careful. I WISH that was just paranoid thinking or negativity but it’s not. And I know Seductress probably has safety scripting so I’m probably processing some of that.
On another note paragon sleep has been great. Consistently getting to bed on time and I don’t even plan for it. Somehow my day wraps up and my brain goes yup that’s it it’s ok to just go rest now. Vs that churning of “i need to still make the most of this day, I need to do more, I need to tackle the things I didn’t do”. So that’s been saving me mentally and physically.
Idk what’s going on but I’ve officially had it with social media apps and algorithms sucking me in.
I tightened up my app list on my phone so cumulatively I’m only allowed 1 hr across 4 apps until I’m locked out of them for an hr.
I also started using an extension on my computer that does the same.
I hate that it’s come to this, that I literally don’t have the capability to moderate my usage without tools. But I know it’s not me. I know big tech disregarded any potential consequences to all this and plowed ahead anyway. It’s designed to be addictive, that’s the point.