My former, now current, therapist called me. He doesn’t have his schedule but knows his general work load and thinks he can get me scheduled in not this coming week but next. He just has to wait to do it formally with the office.
So now a new phase of therapy will begin. I’m not going to try to hide from this, I actually had a feeling everything was leading to this over the last couple of months. I wasn’t going to push it though, and that was the smart thing.
It felt like this was connected to the core abandonment area of my life, I’ve even mentioned this theory briefly before. Today revealed that yeah, this is about my partner, another traumatic incident from my childhood, and my unresolved issues with my father being kicked out of my life. None of it was actually abandonment, but this all gets rooted back to when I was 5 years old, almost 6.
I was wrong in my math, this isn’t 50 years old, this is 49 year old core stuff. To be honest is most likely is strung back to earlier stuff, but nonetheless this is a major core issue. Abandonment, especially from my F*d up childhood, is huge.
It’s kind of shocking I’ve had any success in my life. Especially in trading. But I’m resilient and am also not afraid to search in those dark areas of my life. This is really dark and caverness.
Shit, I just realized, I’m going to walk out of this as Batman.
I have a therapy appointment next Friday. So Fridays will be my therapy days for a while. That works out very well for me. I’m looking forward to it, and of course am not at the same time.
I do want to work through this and I feel it’s time. I genuinely think that all of the grounding titles I’ve used over the last year (still not my 1st Anni until Nov 21) have helped me get to this point. This is still some very difficult stuff to work through and we’re not talking about just one traumatic episode, it’s 2.5.
My father getting kicked out was sudden, but wanted because he was so violent towards my Mother and I. But then my Grandmother kept telling me he left because of me, which was not true, and I even didn’t believe it then.
My Grandmother for some reason become kind of an evil person. She was very old school in her thinking (Irish Catholic) and since my Mom was divorcing I was a “bastard” in the old sense. Children used to be the scapegoats of their parents decisions and actions. A very sick way of thinking in my book. So honestly, that’s something to work through also because that diminishes self-worth.
BTW, things didn’t get better. After my Mom divorced, she ended up getting a night job as a Manager at a Wendy’s so I didn’t see my Mom ever for almost a year. She was asleep in the mornings and was at work when I got home from school.
There were 8 of us living in a small 3 bedroom house. I was getting abused in all kinds of ways, including more violence. ln some ways it was worse. I felt abandoned in many ways and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it since I was an only child.
We dealt with some of this in therapy last time, but I don’t think I was ready for all of it. We’ll really deal with the abandonment stuff this time, but start with the majors first. My partner passing away, but in a different light this time, and a major incident from my childhood that happened just before we moved to a different State. It’s all “abandonment” but really from a 5 year old’s (almost 6) perspective.
So why am I going back to therapy if I somewhat trash talked it? I mentioned before, it has its place. Plus I don’t have to go through the initial assessments, and getting to trust my therapist to open up and my therapist to get to know me in order to work with me. So that part is a bonus. Plus my therapist will be using different modalities this time.
So I’ll write out a bullet point sheet on the major areas I want to work on. My therapist will fine tune it from there, but he works really well with me and he says I have good instinct with the therapy. Well that and I’m footing the bill.
Life shrinks and expands on the proportion of your willingness to take risks and try new things.
Gary Vaynerchuk
This quote is very fitting for me at this point and time. I genuinely thought it was going to take longer to get back into therapy, but apparently I was wrong.
I hit a plateau and frankly needed a break. There is an odd thing that happens while in therapy and self-help, you can focus to long on what needs to be fixed, instead of looking at what has positively changed.
That’s why journaling is so important. Spill the beans. Open up. Look back and read the changes that occured the last year. I’m going to try and, scratch that, I WILL make this a new annual habit towards the Christmas Season. It’s right at the end of the year and gets you prepared for the New Year. So that is going to become a new habit. A new ritual so to speak. I think it’s a very healthy one and that’s the right time of year for it also.
Aaugh! I hate this time of year. Our sunlight hours have changed considerably and quickly (Pacific Northwest of the USA). I was going to go to the pharmacy and pick a few things up at the grocery store after I had dinner.
It’s already dark. I’ve said it before, I don’t live in a bad area by any stretch, but there can be drama and I’m just not in the mood for it today. I’m pretty much back to my Graveyard hours and we go back to Standard Time on Nov 1, which means time goes back an hour.
Right now it is dark at around 6pm, so in a couple of weeks that instantly changes to where it’s dark @ 5pm. There comes a point very soon where it’s dark at 4:30 pm. Depends on the day and whether it’s very cloudy or not (our skies can literally be black because the clouds are so full of rain).
We’ve been much sunnier than normal so that’s thrown me off, thinking it’s still Summer. So I’m happy about that, but yeah, I’ll have to run my errands tomorrow. C’est la vie.
This should be an incredible World Series This is the 1st time since 1980 that neither team in the World Series has ever won a World Series.
So it’s the Milwaukee Brewers vs Tampa Bay Rays. The Brewers were the #1 team in the regular season and Tampa was # 3 (Dodgers were #2 overall AND in the same league as the Brewers).
So it’s a very fitting World Series. The #1 team in National League against the #1 team in the American League. Trust me, it doesn’t work out that way very often.
I woke up today full of energy and ready to take on the world. It’s difficult to explain but I feel as though a huge weight is off my shoulders. I truly think I’m ready to heal losing my partner, but I also know that I’ll be able to work through abandonment issues now.
It’s odd that I’m so chipper today because I already know, there is some very difficult work ahead. Some of it is dark and heavy. I think the difference now though is I don’t have massive anxiety anymore. I actually have very minor PTSD symptoms these days. The subs I’ve been using have really calmed my central nervous system.
I was reading a qOS answer yesterday about PEACE + The Revelation of Wealth, and was a little worried because Saint himself mentioned that PEACE normally tames down the drive with wealth titles. First time I ever heard that. PEACE is already planned to be part of my healing custom and I’ll be running that with my wealth custom for a couple of years.
Here’s the rub though. I realized that it works perfectly. I don’t need the drive. I actually need to calm down when it comes to trading, investing and financial stuff in general. That is actually what the financial healing stuff is about. Seeing the forest through the trees. Not freaking out while trading. Actually being able to read the charts for what they’re saying. Taking action when my trading plans set up. Sticking with the trade and not taking a small profit so I don’t have a loss.
So in reality, PEACE is the absolute perfect pairing for me and my situation. If I was younger and needed the drive, well, PEACE would somewhat do the opposite. Not really the opposite though, it just tames that hunger down. Some people need that hunger. I don’t. I have the drive, but it’s honed over time. I’ve had success, and very decent success. I want to get it back and create even more. The drive is there. I just want to be able to chill while accomplishing success again and take a very systematic approach.
Once I realized al that, I was excited. I was going to take a slightly different approach with my next round to prepare me for all the wealth healing work next year. After reading about PEACE + The Revelation of Wealth, I’m going to go with that stack. It sets me up perfectly for the healing custom. Matter of fact, even though the modules Roots of Scarcity and The Worthiness actually come from EOG1, they are identical to a couple of modules in The Revelation of Wealth. They are going to the root cause of financial failure and self sabotage.
I might even run the Revelation of Wealth with the healing custom for one round. I always like to plan a couple steps ahead. I used to think it was because I was a manager in my earlier years, but I realized that’s one of the reasons I was picked for management in the first place. That and I’m a natural leader. That’s why it’s important to look back on life. See your accomplishments. Build that self-esteem.
Yeah, I can tell. It’s time to heal. I’m fully ready. That’s why I’m so chipper today. Plus it’s sunny again. I have to finish my coffee and run a couple of errands before it gets dark. Enjoy this sun for a tiny bit.
I went to post in my journal and saw that qOS broke down my last entry automatically. I’m completely cool with that and actually appreciate it because it cleared up a couple of things about The Revelation of Wealth (ROW), EOG1 and a couple of modules.
I slightly misunderstood how PEACE affects drive, so that was cleared up. Also it went into detail about how ROW would compliment the two wealth modules, Scarcity Thinking and The Worthy Recalibration. I really like how they all compliment each other and work towards my wealth goals.
So, the only thing that has changed now is my timing of the Wealth Custom. I’ll hold off on it until towards the end of my second round with ROW. That is perfect timing to look at taking ROW out of the stack and replacing it with the Wealth Custom I have planned.
I purchased ROW tonight (just the standard store title not name embedded). I’ll be taking a washout here in just a couple of days and then start my next round, which will be the last round for this year and will slightly bleed into next year. That’s when I’ll order the Healing Custom (my very 1st Custom ) and plan to run it with ROW.
qOS asked (I know it’s Saint, poor guy’s been busy lately) for me to post the custom and ROW together to get a qOS response as to how they’ll work. I’ll read it again, but it sounded as though it was about the Healing Custom with the modules Scarcity Thinking and The Worthiness Recalibration.
I don’t want to give the poor guy more work, but frankly I think all these responses are going into their inhouse AI for future use, so maybe listing both the Healing Custom and the Trading/Wealth Custom will be good for future information for everyone.
I think I shied away from ROW because it is an advanced title. But I saw the qOS post I mentioned earlier about PEACE and ROW and dang it, the two hit the nail on the head of what I was wanting and needing to heal the wealth issues.
There is absolutely no change to the upcoming Trading Custom, except timing of when I’ll use it. It is still designed to help me to work through trading issues on a different level and adds trading as the action that is need for ROW to truly get rooted into my subconscious.
Forgot to add this to my journal. I ran my errands later today and ran into someone I haven’t spoken with in a long time. Nothing negative between us, life just happens and you don’t connect as often.
We chatted for quite a while, and it was a really good conversation. He gently brought up my partner and asked how I was doing, and I could tell he wasn’t sure if he should be asking or not, even though it’s been awhile. Bottom line, I was able to handle it all just fine, which relieved him too. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk about my partner and talk about myself and how I’m doing these days. I didn’t do an emotional dump or anything, so I was very happy and relieved about that.
The conversation lasted long enough to where I came home in the dark. Wasn’t expecting it, and frankly I’ll be dealing with it much more in the next few months. There was absolutely no drama tonight. Not on the bus or anything. Drama happens much more after dark, but nothing tonight.
I walked home a much longer distance than I normally do also. The temperature was oddly mild so I took advantage of it. It was kind of nice walking home in the dark because this time of year people have all kinds of Halloween decorations on display. I actually like this entire time of year, all through New Year. There’s just something magical about all of it strung together.
Riding on the bus, doing my errands around a bunch of people, none of it bothered me a single bit. I genuinely had a confident strut tonight. Something I haven’t felt in the last four + years. PEACE is just removing whatever I was carved into.
I’m incredibly curious about my Healing Custom because it has PEACE and Essence:A Perfect Unyielding which is Godlike Masculinity in module form. That is a very good pairing. I wish Q Stack Explorer was updated to include PEACE.
Actually, I should update my qOS question and have that addressed. I know it’s a very good pairing, I read something about it earlier. I just don’t recall the nuances between the two.
Man I hope I can sleep today. I have this incredibly strong, grounded energy and a very masculine alpha confidence. Not cocky. American Buffalo kind of confidence. “Nothing will stop me” kind of power. It seems to have come out of nowhere and I was winding down to get ready for bed.
I wasn’t listening to any music that caused it. I didn’t watch any movie or anything else either. This is happening naturally. This is absolutely results from PEACE.
I’m thinking this is partly from Rooted Like The Mountain “Cultivates a steadiness that doesn’t need the world’s cooperation. Storms move across a mountain without asking its permission, and themountain doesn’t need to answer them to remain a mountain.”
And I’m also thinking it may be results from Living Stillness. "The signature of this title, and its clearest answer to the old fear. There is a stillness that dulls, and a stillness that sharpens — and this is thesecond kind. Sound arrives cleanly. Color holds more light. The quiet isn’t an absence; it’s the condition your senses needed to finally registerwhat was already there.
Day to day, the choice between relaxed and awake disappears. You get both, in the same body, on the same ordinary afternoon."
And Return to the Root. “Beneath every shape you’ve had to become, there is ground that was never carved — only covered over. PEACE helps you develop the felt path back to it: not a new state to build, but the block that was underneath the whole time, waiting to be visited again.”
So to be clear, PEACE isn’t causing me to feel this way, it’s just removing the junk that carved me in a way that covered what was already there. Man, this is energy I haven’t felt in a few years. Back to when I was a manager when I knew I knew my stuff and backed it up with results.
An unusual time for this to pop up, just before bedtime. I’ll do some work to calm down (The Valley Breath) but also techniques that I learned to clear my mind and to put a bow tie on the day, so to speak.
I’m very curious what kind of dreams I’ll have today.
I actually slept very well and very deep. I also fell asleep right away. That is all PEACE, and it even mentions that can be a result. First time it’s really been tested though. Not on purpose.
I didn’t wake up with the same energy as I had before I went to bed, but I can tell it’s there. I’m very chipper again today. I realized something though, chipper is my absolute baseline. When I was a little boy I was an incredibly happy, vibrant, social little kid with smiles. Until the abuse really started to take its toll.
PEACE is taking the layers back one by one. There seems to be a heck of a lot going on right towards the end of this round. My washout is going to be interesting, that’s for sure.
So now, the new stack for one round only will by my name embedded PEACE + The Revelation of Wealth (ROW). Then I’ll get the custom and run ROW with that for one round and then set ROW aside for a while. It’s recommended to set it aside after about five months anyway. My new rounds are 10 weeks so two rounds is literally 5 months. So that works out quite well.
I’ll go into much more detail (and hide it all in a tab so the post isn’t super huge ) but I didn’t realize that PEACE, by itself, actual works on Scarcity Thinking. I’ll quote Saint about him mentioning that and then ROW works on Scarcity Thinking also but with a different angle. That’s one of the core areas I’m wanting to heal for my trading.
I had one poignant dream that stuck out from today. I was the central person of the dream (not always the case, sometimes I’m an observer) and I was a young boy, about 10 maybe 11 years old.
I was a strong and very liked leader of a bunch of kids. Virtually everyone grew up to become entrepreneurs, business leaders, etc. There were a couple that became non-profit leaders of important charities and one that became a good politician (didn’t know they existed ).
I became a very successful consultant and helped some major corporations, and non-profits and also sat on the Board of a few.
I’m almost thinking PEACE may have been revealing my true nature and what I may have become. I’ve mentioned this before, all I ever wanted to do growing up until my Sophomore year in High School was to be a Veterinarian. That’s it. That’s what I was going to grow up to be.
Interestingly, I was 10 going on 11 and rode my bicycle down to our Veterinarian with my little resume (it included one job working for our landlady who had all kinds of exotic pets (was an absolute dream job as a little boy)) and also getting an award for Science Student of The Year. I had ambition and guts.
The front desk lady (was the Vet’s wife) politely said he didn’t take people on until they were Junior and Seniors in High School. I pled my case three times with facts. She talked to the Vet behind closed doors and came back and told me to come back after their Lunch Break (the office always closed for lunch).
The Vet wasn’t a jerk at all, but he threw everything and the kitchen sink on my lap. I know it was to get me to give up. I didn’t. I worked with him as an apprentice for two summers (600 + hours of mentorship under a licensed Vet to get into Vet School). We ended up becoming good friends. He was incredibly impressed with me. He absolutely never took on any other young kids, but he truly liked me.
I bring that up because the dream was probably getting at the point that becoming a Vet was most likely due to conditioning in the world I was thrown into. My dad wasn’t kind to animals. Plus in the underworld my Dad was drawn and brought me around were chicken fights and when he became a full patch member of a biker gang, I saw a ton of dog fights. I never enjoyed them. I always cared about the animals. I felt for them because I was thrown into the life also.
So I very well could have been that child in my dream if it wasn’t for the conditioning of my childhood. I survived it and even thrived at times in my life. I’m not going to dwell on what could have been, that’s never good. But I’ll look at it as far as revealing the core me. I was a manager, and a very successful one at a very young age for the industry, so that particular dream seems spot on.
I’ve never hated myself. When things get bad I’m engulfed by the pain and add fuel to the fire. It’s about the abuse I endured. I just never hated myself through it. My therapist had brought that up. It’s actually quite different than 99% of the clients I guess.
Anyway, that dream was very important to include in my journal and I didn’t want to forget to add it.
I’ve purposely been listening to music I haven’t listened to since my life collapsed.
Both my partner and I really liked 3 Doors Down and saw them in concert a few times.
So I pulled up their catalog and there’s one song that jumped out that is really fitting for me right now.
The song is :It’s Not Me and came off of their third album, Seventeen Days.
The lyrics are so darn fitting with my healing right now.
It’s Not Me
Nevermind the face you put on
In front of me
Nevermind the pain
That you’ve put me through
Cause every little thing you say
And every little thing you do
Makes me doubt all of this
What are you waiting for?
Look what you did
Is this who you wanted me to be?
Well it’s not me… no
Look what you did
Is this how you wanted this to be?
This life you gave away
Was meant for me
Forget about this trip that you’ve been on
Or so it seems
Nevermind the lies you told, not truths
Cause every little thing you said
And every little thing you did
Made me doubt all of this
Is that what are you waiting for?
Look what you did
Is this who you wanted me to be?
Well it’s not me, no
Look what you did
Is this how you wanted this to be?
This life you gave away
Was meant for me
Yeah…
Was meant for me
Is meant for me…
yeah, yeah
Look what you did
Is this who you wanted me to be?
Well it’s not me
Look what you did
Is this how you wanted this to be?
This life you gave away
Was meant for me
I don’t know how I can face this pain
I’ll keep it inside so you can’t see
I don’t think I can go on this way, 'cause it’s not me
[END]
This really resonates with me right now. I love it.
Now this is very interesting. qOS suggested I should look at my Healing Custom (super minor, but does apparently make a difference) and decide whether to keep Total Nonchalance because it overlaps a couple of other modules and the core (PEACE).
I’ll give the link in a moment, but essentially, it’s not a huge deal, and certainly not suggested to absolutely cut it, but it could potentially slow down the title. Specifically, qOS stated, concerning Total Nonchalance “My recommendation: order it as listed, or drop Total Nonchalance if you want it leaner, and leave the remaining slots empty.”
Here is the qOS link"
The only change that prompted all of this was not the custom itself, but running the Healing Custom with one round of The Revelation of Wealth, since that is working on a considerable amount of the wealth issues I’m wanting to work on.
It is a profound way (Combined with PEACE) to prep me for the focused wealth/financial/trading work that the Trading Custom will focus on. I can’t use The Revelation of Wealth too long though. Usually it’s recommended to drop it for a while after a few months of work.
So just a minor tweak to my upcoming Healing Custom, and that’s to cut Total Nonchalance.
10 22 26 (Listening Day 30 of 30)
PEACE (5 Min)
RICH Trader (3 Min)
I just listened to my 30th and final day of this round. My 6th Round of this year. I’ll write another post after I sleep and wake up.
So my washout, I plan to take one week so I stick on a schedule. Now that’s not to say I won’t take more time if needed. But at least one week. It should be plenty of time for the washout.
So my next stack will change from this one. I already mentioned it yesterday, but it will be:
PEACE name embedded with Synergy:Harmonic Conflux
The Revelation of Wealth (regular store version. No name embedded)
The plan right now is to run one round of this. That puts me out to Jan 7 of 2027. Then I’ll set PEACE aside (sort of) and will have one round of my Healing Custom + The Revelation of Wealth. Then I believe I will get my trading custom, which will most likely have a little tweaking because of growth I’ve had from PEACE.
I’m seriously thinking of adding Essence:The Reforged Ruler, which is the Essence version of (Emperor Reforged). I don’t think I’ll have the core, but I’ll let it rest a little bit (I have plenty of time) and then contact Support and work out the details. My thinking is because it is truly a wealth title. It seems as though it’s working on the same areas I’ll be working on with wealth and trading, but come at it from a different angle.
On top of that, there is some romance aspect to it. Nothing heavy, or at least that’s the vibe I got. I think that will help me a little to start healing and moving forward in the romance section. I am genuinely getting a knot of energy, thinking about moving on. So I absolutely still need work on that, but I think it’s gentle with Reforged, and the essence version might even be a little less.
With the trading custom, I’m hoping to start prepping myself for investing also. Investing will be dealing with people face to face also so I need to get back into that mindset. Reforged seems to really fit.
Also the more I was looking into Reforged it just truly vibed with me. I’m older. I don’t have sh*t to prove to anyone. Been there done that. But I still have tons of drive. Just different drive. Reforged fit that bill.
Maybe it won’t be the right fit for the Trading Custom, but I think it will. Plus there are a couple of other new modules I want to potentially add to the Trading Custom. I was thinking of Joy of Wealth, Mastery of Scaling, Resource Optimization (might be overkill with The Lazy Genius but we’ll see) and Virtue Series: Temperance.
No rush on that build. I have time. Who knows. I may even do another round of the Healing Custom with ROW. I just like to plan a couple steps ahead.
I’m really looking forward to this next round with ROW. I’m actually really looking forward to running it alongside PEACE. It’s supposed to be a really good pairing and ROW is exploring so much of what I’m wanting to work on. It was a phenomenal fit for this point in time.
10 22 26 (Listening Day 30 of 30)
PEACE (5 Min)
RICH Trader (3 Min)
Slept well again and all the way through. I stopped taking the Magnesium supplements so I no longer wake up during my sleeping hours.
Someone asked qOS about PEACE + Reforged, and Emperor. I of course was interested in PEACE + Reforged and like what I read.
Here is the link:
A couple of things stuck out:
PEACE and Reforged are built on the same idea. Neither forges a new self. Reforged helps you recognise the sovereign underneath the need to prove.
Both tend to show first as what stops: less bracing, less chasing, less overexplaining.
PEACE does not reduce drive. It changes where motivation comes from, so work runs on clarity and rest instead of pressure.
I don’t feel the need to prove, but there might be some hidden junk in there with what money can buy. I still don’t think any of it exists, but I’ll still examine it.
Also, that Trading Custom is also to prep me for Investing. I’ll be looking at commercial property investing once I move to Arizona. I need the dust to settle in the commercial sector first, but ultimately some of the Investing I’ll be doing involves people. I feel the need to “prove myself” there.
But ultimately I think the thing that kept turning me on about Reforged is settling down this urge in trading. Clear the mess. Clear the pent up energy that brings in confusion. The more I dig into this, there is something I’m trying to prove. I’m not exactly sure what it is? Trying to prove I can move on after my partner has passed away? Trying to prove I still have it in me to come back? There really is something there, I can’t quite “catch” it to label it.
No matter, I’ll still ask Support in a month or so. Actually, I should really think everything out now and write Support before the Holiday rush.
As far as how I feel today, I think I’m going to visit this everyday for a while. Today I just feel solid. Stable. Grounded. I don’t have that serious Alpha Male vibe going on but it’s there underneath. If something popped up to where I needed to stand my ground it would pop out. Happiness isn’t overflowing, but is there. I don’t have to try to find it.
Not to sound silly, but I feel at peace. PEACE plus the GLM Essence (A Perfect Unyielding) is really going to be interesting. Combined, they sort of are doing the Reforged thing, but not exactly.
This entire paragraph from qOS (Saint for sure this time) gets to the core of what those two will do in my Healing Custom:
“PEACE works underneath any identity and helps you return
to the whole self beneath every shape life required of you. Godlike Masculinity builds a deliberate identity on that ground: self-command, where you feel anger, fear or grief fully and none of it takes over your decisions. Together, PEACE may settle your baseline and widen the pause before you react, and A Perfect Unyielding gives that settled state the stance of a man who governs himself. At the charts, PEACE helps you look from a quiet place, and A Perfect Unyielding helps you feel the urge to grab a small profit without obeying it. Both carry joy as well, so contentment tends to become your baseline.”
Contentment is the word of the day then. That’s what I was describing when I was talking about how I felt today. So the two combined seem to reinforce the same thing so it is absolutely my baseline.
Here’s the deal, I said this before, it’s not all about money. It’s not all about trading. Even this upcoming Healing Custom isn’t focusing just on money and trading. Life has to be good. I am also looking at adding Joy of Wealth to the Trading Custom. I felt that was a good vibe to add to that build.
The Healing Custom is 100% settled at this point. The only change was to pull out one module, just to make it leaner (I call it “faster” but that’s not exactly the best term) and suggested to not add anything else. So it’s done. It’s settled.
I’m just tweaking the Trading Sub a little. My thought is to direct WHERE the trading energy goes. Also to remove overwhelm. That’s why the Healing and the Trading customs have to mesh with each other. I’ll be using both for a couple of years. I’m still going to take a break from both and run Summer solo for one full round. It’s not a seasonal title, but for this year it will be around Summer that I’ll run it. Let everything settle in.
Well, tomorrow will be the first official day of my washout. I’m curious how this next week will play out with the washout. lt will all settle in and then I’ll start a very interesting next round with PEACE + The Revelation of Wealth. The vibe that’s coming up with this stack is of going on an expedition. I’m exploring a lost civilization. I genuinely have that kind of vibe coming up. It’s almost playful, but serious at the same time. It’ll be an exploration of the financial world. A world that I love BTW. This is going to be a fun stack, but I’m not naive, it will be exploring my beliefs about it all, and that is ultimately what I’m after.
I do expect some recon with this, and frankly am hoping it does drag some deep issues up. PEACE will help calm it though and ground me through it.
10 22 26 (Listening Day 30 of 30)
PEACE (5 Min)
RICH Trader (3 Min)
Went over to my Mom’s
Went over for dinner and to help her out on a couple of things. It’s always interesting and frankly is a test to see how I’m growing or not. She tests me, sometimes in major ways. Frankly there are plenty of times she flat out pisses me off. But deep breath. “The Valley Breath” which is in PEACE.
Yup. My Mom tested me again tonight. But I handled it incredibly well and what’s interesting, I immediately detached from her stuff. I’ve essentially done this the last couple of times, but it took a little bit to detach from her stuff previously. This time it was instant and automatic. I felt negative energy pop up and it just flowed out. “It’s her stuff, not mine.” and poof, it just flowed through and out.
I helped her out with some computer stuff, we talked a little. She complained about stuff, then asked how I was doing, and we ate.
I came to the realization that she is the main reason why I’m still living in this City and this State. I’m not saying she’s holding me back, she isn’t. It’s my doing. So I brought up the possibility of her moving with me to Arizona when that time comes. Total change in her attitude and demeanor and opened up a huge communication channel.
She’s been worried I was leaving her. It’s a big long story and much more to it. Essentially there was a huge release of pent up anger, worry, etc with her. I was thinking about bringing up the possibility anyway.
It makes things a little more complicated moving to Arizona, but she’s wanting to move to and stay close to me. I told her it’s still going to be a year or two. She was fine with that. It gives her something to look forward to.
Complete change of energy with her. Ultimately she thought I was abandoning her by moving to Arizona.
She’s not the best with communication and that brought up a lot of past with me. I’m not going to hold it against her or anything. She isn’t changing, but I can change how I handle the past.
I just logged into my main bank account (Chase) and someone got a new position. I always say that when there are some major changes in how a website looks.
Anyway, next to each transaction is the company’s logo (if it’s a major corp). I get it, it’s easy to look for the logo, but now there’s only something like half a dozen transactions per page instead of something like a dozen and a half.
I can have quite a few transactions sometimes so for me it just needlessly slows that process down.
The logo Chase used for SubClub is just a ticket stub. I thought that was interesting.
I know things change but they shouldn’t change just to change. I don’t give a hoot about a companies logo. It wouldn’t even bug me that much if it didn’t minimize how many transactions are on the page now, but it does.
I’ll sit down and write a complaint letter tonight and send it off. Rarely does squat to change anything but at least I’ll say my piece. I usually get a good laugh doing it because I can be brutal sometimes but also get to the point.
I’ve actually received a couple of funny responses and apologies. Most of the time crickets. Sometimes a boring, lifeless corporate response. In 1989 I received a personal response from Lee Iacocca (CEO of Chrysler at the time) to a letter I wrote, begging him to not ruin Lamborghini like they did Maserati at the time and the response letter signed by him was brilliant. I used to have it framed, but I moved a few times and put it in a protective folder and it now is sitting in a box.
Very interesting dreams today. I actually dreamt about money. Literally about money. I actually hardly ever have dreams about money specifically.
This dream was healing a specific money trauma event in my early childhood. We had only been living in the new State I was moved to for a few months. We were living with my mother’s parents and that entire family. I had two uncles that were only 4 and 6 years older than me. I was hanging out with them.
I would have been 6 years old going on 7. There was a partial empty field across the street where there was a shopping center. The center had a grocery store and some shops, a large parking lot and then this empty field. In this empty field there had just been a little carnival going on for the last couple of weeks that had a bunch of “fair rides”. We didn’t have any money and I wasn’t able to ride on anything, so I would sit in the front yard of my grandparents house and pretend I was riding on rides and having fun.
We were coming home from the grocery store and I notice two paper bags with money and there was some lose money coming out of the bags. I yelled it out and my uncles rode over there and we got off of our bikes and started gathering all the money. I said out loud that it was awesome because we’ll split the money in thirds, give some to our parents and get something for us. There literally was a couple hundred dollars in the bags, and this would have been in 1978.
As soon as I said that, my oldest uncle beat me and grabbed all the money out of my hands and said, “You’re not getting shit, you’re not worth it.” I was already quite broken there because of all the things that happened at once, including my father getting kicked out of my life, at that point literally never seeing my Mother for months, and all the abuse I was going through.
I was crushed. A lack of money was all part of this trauma before this. Than to actually have a cash specific event, add being hit, and then told that, who know exactly what my little 6 year old mind learned.
What is incredibly interesting to me, talk about energy from the universe, there is a bank in the same spot where it used to be a bare field. So in my dream, I was an adult and now there were two other people with me, that I don’t know in real life, and they did not represent my uncles. One was a male and the other was a female. The dream didn’t explain who they were.
I deposited money from a business and was walking back out to my car and a complete stranger also dressed in a suit (I was also, and suits are so rare these days) hands me a paper bag with a lot of cash in it and says “This is yours plus interest. What happened here should never have happened. Your heart was in the right place. Spend this on you, you’ll make plenty more from other sources in your life. Spend this on you.”
Then he walked away and my dream just faded out.
When I woke up today, that was the only dream that stuck out. It had a major positive impact on me. I actually don’t recall my other dreams, other than they were money related also. I truly don’t remember their specifics though because that one dream was a big deal to me because that event frankly sucked, as did that entire year and a half, almost two years.
That winter my Mom was able to get us an apartment that we shared with someone she worked with. She was a very nice lady. We were only with her for a few months and then she moved out and we had the apartment to ourselves. The next summer I was left home alone, I broke down one day when my Mom took me over to her family to be babysat, and after that I was left home while my Mom went to work. Honestly, it was the best thing for me.
I couldn’t go outside and had to keep all the drapes closed so no one knew I was home alone but I was 100% content to be by myself and not get abused anymore. I listened to music, watched tv, played with hotwheels, read books, etc. I kept myself plenty busy and was able to finally calm down a little.
And when I re-read it I was quite shocked. I genuinely sounded like a different person. I even felt like a different person when I read it. It’s not just PEACE at work there, although that is absolutely a brunt of it. It’s all the other work also with the subs, with previous therapy, etc.
The subs have helped me get to a point where I’m coming back. I’m breaking out of my shell that I’ve kept myself in the last 4+ years. I became a different person because I needed to in order to get through everything that happened, and has happened over the years. It was survivor mode.
What I wrote I haven’t completely remembered for over 20 years now. I had to change things about me to become successful as a trader. I mentioned it before, there is no strong arming the markets. You have to become more pliable. You can’t fight everything and stand up to it. It’s a different mindset than my life before that.
But everyone adapts, or they don’t. Like most people, I adapt, so life carves out who you become. I think some of what I wrote in that post is me to the core. Some of that personality was most likely life conditioning. I wasn’t embarrassed by what I wrote at all. I was shocked at how real it was. That was genuinely raw feelings coming out and that is the mindset I had as a manager. It worked. It worked very well and is why I excelled as a manager.
But what I’m ultimately getting at is twofold. lt was very revealing and interesting to see, hear and feel that old attitude. I’m not going to apologize one iota. But the other thing that was obvious to me, is that was a form of journaling, but wasn’t in my journal, so it’s here now for future reference.
By freewriting the way I’m doing right now is so important for growth. There are a couple of other people who are doing this now and it’s helping them out. We don’t have to put it out there for everyone to see. Some things are very personal, and should be.
But if more people would do that here in this forum, their growth would be off the charts. I’m going to start having a more personal journal on my computer and free write to more hardcore areas that I’ll be healing, that no one needs or would want to read.
But free writing and getting to those core feelings, thoughts etc in a journal is highly encouraged for growth. I just need to learn to put 80% + of my journal in a tab so my posts aren’t so huge.
I figure I’ll start my journal posts with a bold title to identify the post theme for easier search in the future.
I’m going to really be exploring this theme (why do I want to be rich) with ROW. But it’s good to ask and one I’ve asked before. But I’ve grown differently so my answer is slightly different.
Ultimately, power of choice. Not power. I could care less. I could have said freedom and that is true also. That’s ultimately what wealth to give you.
Power of choice is slightly different but the overall energy behind it is much more powerful. Power of choice is having the power behind you, in this case money, to have as many choices available to you to overcome any trials, challenges, etc as possible and to eliminate reasons to overcome those trials and challenges. Any choice. Freedom sort of does that, but you can be free and not have money which won’t give you power of choice.
Power of choice covers all of that. I’m not saying you can just throw money at any problem, but let’s be honest with ourselves, without money your choices are much more limited, and IF money is used correctly it can help you to overcome much more.
We can think of plenty of people who had plenty of money and still had plenty of problems. Michael Jackson. Mike Tyson. The Kardashians (look at their relationship problems, over and over) and plenty of other very wealthy celebrities, whether entertainment, sports, etc.
Wealthy families, especially their children that inherit large fortunes. Look at the Walmart “kids”. One of them lived not far from me in Las Vegas and she couldn’t drive any longer because she lost her license due to too many DUIs. Don’t even get me on that topic.
Anyway. I’m not a fool. Money isn’t the answer to everything. But having sufficient amounts of it and utilizing money properly is the key. Money is a tool. That’s it.
But I have some hang-ups in the money department that I need to work through.
I’ve said it before, I don’t live in a bad area by any stretch, but there can be drama and I’m just not in the mood for it today. I’m pretty much back to my Graveyard hours and we go back to Standard Time on Nov 1, which means time goes back an hour.
This is the 1st time since 1980 that neither team in the World Series has ever won a World Series.
) but I didn’t realize that PEACE, by itself, actual works on Scarcity Thinking. I’ll quote Saint about him mentioning that and then ROW works on Scarcity Thinking also but with a different angle. That’s one of the core areas I’m wanting to heal for my trading.
).
which is in PEACE.
I always say that when there are some major changes in how a website looks.