Khan st1 + Emperor Reforged & Peace
Saint was right about these potentially pulling in different directions. The first run of Khan 1 and Reforged felt like a was on fire the remainder of the day. The drive was insane. I decided to do full loops of both and adjust down from there.
After the 2nd run, in a dream I was in a dark bus. All black, lovely black leather seats, really nice and extremely clean, I loved it. After taking my environment in, a dark fully embodied shadow. The figure rushed at me aggressively multiple times yet, I wasn’t afraid at all.
I remember distinctly asking (rhetorically) what the hell did you do that for, after trying 3 or 4 more times. I woke up. If you’ve ever played a video game and tried to run into a wall it was exactly like that. I was like that wall.
Shortly after I woke up and realized it was my shadow self. And I am so walled off emotionally I’m not yet in a place to run full loops. I need more time to integrate.
I scaled back after this and also added Peace which helps a lot. The drive requires absolute focus and meditation on the person I am becoming. I understand why it was suggested to run a Khan stage first then reforged to settle things in. I have had very little recon though, and now it shows up as just blank space, very mild apathy or just plain boredom. Nothing like when I’ve run total breakdown in the past.
I’m not sure I’ll keep running this stack. Will reassess after 21 listening days, a full 5 day wash and 5 listening days of Khan st2 and Reforged. Will also properly update this journal at that time. Sticking to the 24 Month timeline so I have roughly another year to go.
cc - @Azriel and @SwagKing because of our previous exchange regarding Khan/Reforged.
EDIT: The overall result of this combo is I’m able to do things I don’t want to with very little resistance. In fact I can sense why I’m resisting, and adjust in real time. I also have less need for external validation. Something is still there but it’s much lower. I see the many times a day when I do something, sometimes a small thing, like giving a thumbs up, slowing my pace when walking behind people (both genders) on the street to make people more comfortable. Things that take up a lot of mental space and ultimately changes the mental frame from just existing in space to making micro adjustments that aren’t in my favor.
On the flip side there is an aggression that is there and it’s part of who I am. Over time I’ve learned to pack it way down someplace else. I even see how periods of hyper focus on spirituality was to hide this about myself. Something I am probably ashamed of in some way. Or was. And also to avoid certain kinds of conflict.
For example, I haven’t gone to blows with anyone in the street since around the pandemic. But after the first listening day (Reforged+Khan st1) something about my energy really had a guy in front of me literally turn his whole body around and his suitcase to give him space to maneuver…or give me space to walk away. Both could be true. Then literally and swung maybe 10-12 inches from my face before then glaring at me.
We were on an escalator and a big transit hub in the city.
I walked away and would have done the same before. Neither myself or anyone else was in physical danger. However the difference this time is I didn’t have an emotional response. For a fraction of a second I felt something flaring up and it just dissipated. I didn’t even look at the guy, just walked past and beyond him. Which for some reason pissed him off. Walking away, I might have been upset for hours after. This didn’t last 2 minutes. I didn’t even think about it again until just now while typing the above. Something in Reforged and Peace seems to accelerate (for me anyway) emotional development on Khan. That or I’m able to emotionally sidestep certain things. Still too early for me to say.
But this aggression I have, it’s just there. Like my fingers or my toes. It’s been with me for as long as I can remember. But became an issue in early childhood. I don’t remember certain things exactly. But even then I hated bullies and hated seeing people bullied. So the discomfort with this part of myself is deep.
But I’m just letting that settle into my bones fully and accepting it unapologetically is part of who I am. That’s part of my work. And I think one of the things my dream shadow was trying to highlight within the darkness. Initially I said I’m not sure if I’ll continue with this stack. The reason is thinking about this and working through it is hard. And it makes me uncomfortable. So the question I’m asking myself, is it harder to shrink to allow others to feel comfortable? Isn’t that a form of self-harm? At least emotionally? Or do I fully embody the person I am. And however anyone else feels, some people for whatever reason will really not like or feel comfortable around me and in very few instances will want to challenge me, sometimes physically.
Even so I’ll be authentically me. I can’t think of a better way to live. Pretending otherwise has cost me so much. I didn’t have sufficient growth or perspective to see that. This issue has been the root cause of so many things and part of a lack of self acceptance. But buried. I done Dragon Reborn, Pheonix, Khan, long runs of Emperor. It came up with both Emperor and Khan but I never addressed it. There was to much emotional turmoil.
With this stack I don’t know why the combo is so different. Maybe it’s the new tech. But I’m going to ride this one out. At least to stage 4 and then reassess.
and I’ve been blessed with another opportunity for growth.