10 Days into washout. Oh boy i did not know how badly i needed a long washout like this. The longest I’ve ever done were 5 days, ever since the beginning of subclub. Theoretically speaking, I am probably in the top 15 with the most combined total exposure to subs.
Less is more. More action is never too much. I have made and find myself continuing to make dumb mistakes. I will name a few.
1: Sub hopping.
2: Overthinking instead of taking as much action as possible.
3: Always trying to be a smartass and trying to find ways to milk the subs and or finding a way to make them work faster and to mentally hack my mind to get results. Instead of following the instructions and taking more action. Overthinking yet again combined with over exposing.
4: Neglecting to take action and creating a false safety net " The next sub / upgrade will fix everything ". I don’t need to course correct, the subs will do it all for me. Over reliance on subs without fully understanding how to best utilize them.
5: Spending far too much time doing what is comfortable, despite my good results… which makes me wonder how much further could i be right now had i done things the right way.
6: As soon as i make a plan, structure and daily routine. It ends up being compromised by whatever small thing that interrupts it. Leading to loss of momentum, staying still in place and doing the cycle all over again.
7: Always having that magic pill wishful thinking in the back of my mind. Deluded optimism instead of taking action and believing in myself.
8: Taking in way too much information from too many sources, instead of taking what is needed and relevant to my need at the moment. And then calling that progress, since i am storing so much info, it will be used and it will be useful eventually.
9: Talking big and making promises to myself which i ended up breaking. With each broken promise, i had less confidence in myself. Massive potential, which often went everywhere yet nowhere.
And this is how i have remained in the same spot while deluding myself that i was progressing. Making minimal progress in the meantime. New Emperor is slowly making me aware of my own bs just like the old one did. I wonder why, wouldn’t doing things the right way sound and feel far simpler and effective than all those mental gymnastics i was doing for so long? The only way i consistently broke past the mental gymnastics were when i was cornered, followed by me doing things the right way and emerging victorious only to repeat the same cycle all over again… with more complicated mental gymnastics.
but why? Is it deep seated fear of success? what is it about this place that is so alluring in some way which makes me go back to it. The only answer i could come up with is habit. I have done this for so long it’s becoming who i am. Perhaps because I’ve never had a masculine role model, someone to help me find the right path. All alone, i did what my best with what i knew… Not knowing how ignorant i was.
So for now i will make no promises. I don’t need the " new thing " in order to change, and thus the " changed " version of me can do everything right. This whole damn paradigm is nothing but fighting ones self. So i will work with what i have and focus on what needs to be done. This is a slippery climb and a tough road. I simply need change the old habits with new ones. Change can happen on it’s own, or i can remain the same person forever. It matters not anymore. I am done overthinking and over complicating.
